BEETLE ATTENDS THE INSANEST PARTY EVER!!!!! PROJECT X

Project X is easily the craziest, most wild and insane party movie I have ever seen!!! It's one for the history books. Yes, it's a TON better than Superbad. Heck, Superbad isn't even in the same league as Project X!

Project X is about Thomas Cubb (Thomas Mann); a meek high schooler; and his friends Costa (Oliver Cooper); the one with an attitude issue; JB (Johnathan Daniel Brown); the awkward chubby one; and new friend Dax (Dax Flame); the creepy, silent one who will be filming the ensuing chaos; and what happens when Costa elbows Thomas into throwing a party. You see it's Thomas's 17th birthday, his parents are away and as the saying goes: When the parents are away the kids shall play. Costa invites what appears to be the whole school and MORE in an attempt to get himself and his friends into the popular circle. Needless to say the party quickly throbs into unseen heights and threatens to destroy the whole neighborhood.

Project X is indeed an insane film. I knew the film was going to be crazy, but I had not idea the heights it would reach. I was hoping it would blow my mind, and blow my mind it did, all across the fucking theater. For most of the running time the film has an awesome feel to it, but there are times where things do get a little bit scary, to the point where it starts to feel like you're watching the party apocalypse.

Project X is a found footage/faux-documentary film that actually kind of reminded me of Chronicle. Instead of using just the main camera (belonging to Dax), the film uses phones, news footage, dashboard cams etc. I'm not going to say it's the most creative idea (Chronicle did it first and better honestly), but it was the choice that made the most sense for the film. Eventually, it ceases to feel like a found footage film and like something....I don't know, else? It's pretty neat and another winner in the found footage/faux-documentary category.

Project X is a film that's plot is admittedly threadbare (There is also a sub-plot that is too minor to even mention that involves Thomas's attempts to woo his long time girly friend ), and there is SOME character development, but it's still not that much. Let's be honest with ourselves here, People who walk into Project X don't want a plot, or a story, or character development....they want to see the craziest party ever, they want to see kids making bad decisions and doing bad things. You want tits, you got em (and in DROVES, ), you want drugs, you got em.....you want a flamethrower, you got it! If you walked into Project X expecting a sophisticated art film then...dude, WHAT THE HELL, DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS??!!

The three leads do have a special sort of chemistry that works here. They are believable as regular high school kids, and it's believable that they'd be friends. In the film it feels like they became friends not because they wanted to, but because they were kind of forced together. They're all outcasts and losers and it's that that unites them. It would make sense that the losers would band together.

The film does have quite a few awesome aspects to it. There is a pool where the only rule is girls have to be naked in order to swim (just top half, they keep their panties on). There are also two young sophomores that act as security for the party. At first glance they would appear to be too young to be really effective, but I gotta admit they were HARDCORE and were easily one of my favorite parts of the film.

Project X is more so aimed at the High School -College Aged crowd. Chance are that if you're in your 30's or above you won't enjoy the film. For Adults it's quite possibly their worst nightmare, for teens it's their dream come true.

Project X is a film about a youth revolt that is both exciting and frightening in all the right ways, and Project X succeeds at showing both the glamorous and not so glamorous parts of the party and thusly it really nails the atmopshere I've experienced at most parties. It's the most realistic but non-realistic party film I've seen (if that makes sense)

There's a certian thrill and charm at getting to watch as a large party descends into utter madness and chaos, if that's your kind of thing than Project X is most definitely for you. The film doesn't try to please everyone and that was one of the best choices Project X made. You're either going to love it or hate it, it's bound to be one of the more polarizing films in recent years. For myself, Project X has already made it into the top 10 of my favorite films of 2012.

My advice to anyone going to see Project X is this: Don't treat this Project as a film, treat it like an experience and I GUARANTEE YOU that you'll get more out of it. And if you can, DEFINITELY go to see it in a theater, it's much more rewarding that way.

So, ultimately while Project X is not for everyone, the people that it was made for are bound to eat it up and the film succeeds in ways most probably wouldn't have imagined. To take a quote from the film: "I didn't know you had it in you." Project X is a chaotic and fun-filled time at the movies, no alcohol required. I'll definitely be buying this baby on Blu-Ray.

4.5/5 Stars

There is also a neat part at the end where they spoof an actual (like, it really occurred) news interview. You can find the actual interview they were spoofing on youtube, and it's the interview that inspired the film. Pretty neat.

BEETLE'S OSCAR PREDICTIONS

Better early than never I always say!

Hey there Beetle-heads, as a fan of film you can probably guess what I will be watching on February 26. That's right, The Oscars. Since it's fresh on my mind, I've decided to post my Oscar predictions for 2012. So let's delve right in, shall we?

We start out with the Best Song Category. Here are the Nominees

Real in Rio from Rio- I would be lying if I said this song wasn't infectious, because it definitely is. It's as infectious as a virus. I have not seen the film (yet), but luckily you can find the song on youtube. Watch at your own risk though, because there is a good chance you will catch the Rio rhythm.

* Man or Muppet from The Muppets- This song is my pick for the win. The song is pure comedy gold and is guaranteed to put a smile on your face, not to mention it features a brief cameo from Jim Parsons, better known to most as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. Shame on The Oscars for deciding to opt out of having these songs perform live, I would have given just about anything to see Jim Parsons, Jason Segal and The Muppets on stage together. Oh well, I guess these days we can't have nice things.

Visual Effects
Harry Potter- I would without a doubt say that this film had the 2nd best visual effects of the year. I've always loved HP, and yes, I may be a little bit biased but if it weren't for another film being on the list HP would have easily nabbed the gold here. Simply magical.

Real Steel- I have not seen this one so I can't say what I though, that said the effects I witnessed in the trailer look good enough.

*Hugo- This film should get the award. The effects here were stunning and breathtaking, especially in 3D, where the film felt like a painting come to life. Hugo's effects made me believe in magic again and transported me back to my single digit years. Every where you look in this film there is immense, unbelievable depth and magic ....This film deserves best visual effects.

Rise of The Planet of The Apes- despite all the hype, I really wasn't wowed by the film or its visual effects. yes, they were cutting edge, but...I just couldn't fully get on board. I wouldn't be surprised if this won the award due to all the hype, but I still feel that Hugo deserves this one.

Transformers: Dark of The Moon- It was cool to get to see all my Autobot friends in glorious 3D. The visual effects sampled here are more than good, but still can't compare to other films on this list.


Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

*The Descendants- Right from the opening monologue I could tell that this screenplay was superbly written.

Hugo- Another great screenplay, easily second best of the year.

Ides of March- This one was pretty good.

Moneyball- Haven't seen it.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy- Haven't seen it


Animated Feature Film

Chico and Rita- I haven't seen this film. I can tell that it has stunning animation, and that's good, but the fact remains that it wasn't made in the U.S.A and that disqualifies it for me. Make a separate animated foreign film category if you must, but from now on please don't include foreign films in the best of categories.

A Cat in Paris- Another one with good animation that I haven't seen yet. The story looks really sloppy and wakward and it wasn't made in the U.S.A, so it's another one that shouldn't have been included in this list.

Kung Fu Panda 2- Haven't sen it yet.

Puss In Boots- Haven't seen it yet.

*Rango- Rango is a truly different animated film, and it gets a ton of bonus points for its uniqueness. Make no mistake, it's a very weird, awkward film, but I love it. It's the best animated film I have seen in a long, long time.


Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

The Artist- There's really not much of a screenplay here, the film is almost all silent and there are little to no title cards in the film. I'm sure there's lots of descriptions in the screenplay, but let's be honest here, words really are not the focus of a silent film, but instead the actor's/character's emotions and physical acting.

Bridesmaids- HAHAHA, NO! I could go on a VERY lengthy rant about why I COMPLETELY DETEST THIS STUPID LITTLE FILM (It's raunchy just for the sake of being raunchy, it's not really all that funny except for a few scenes, and the main character is a RAGING SELFISH BITCH), but I'll try to reel myself in. The screenplay is decent, but really nothing memeorable. It definitely did not deserve it's place in this category, I'd rather 50/50 have been nominated than this pile of dog feces.

Margin Call- I have not seen this one, yet. That said it definitely looks interesting.

*Midnight in Paris- This screenplay is just beautiful, very well crafted, but what else would you expect from Woody Allen?

A Separation- Haven't seen this one yet.


Sound Mixing (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)

*Hugo


Sound Editing (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)

*Drive


Art Direction (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)

*Hugo


Film Editing (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)

*Hugo


Cinematography

The Artist- Fantastic cinematography is on display here. The cinematography here is meant to capture the era of the silent movie, and it does so perfectly. I love the Black and White.

Girl With The Dragon Tattoo- Very bleak, dark colors that fit the super dark story to be found here. Overall, another great job.

*Hugo- The angles, shots, and cuts used in this film all help to add to the overwhelming magical feel that this cool little flick effortlessly emits.

The Tree of Life- Beautiful cinematography here, in fact the cinematography and images here are better than the story itself.

War Horse- Breathtaking images of the countryside and of a chaotic war field, and exquisite close ups of horses (one of my favorite animals) are all on display here. It's a fantastic job. Easily 2nd place here.


Costume Design

*The Artist- Simplistic but realistic, the costume design in The Artist is some of the best.

Hugo- The costume design here is like that of a fantastic play. It's easily 2nd best here.

Anonymous- I haven't seen this one.

Jane Eyre- I haven't seen this one.

W.E.- I haven't seen this one.


Makeup

Albert Nobbs- I haven't seen this one, but since the film is about Glenn Close having to look like man I imagine it's pretty tops.

*Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part Two- The war torn look of the characters and the always fantastic design of Voldemort are why I chose this one to win (that and it's the only film I actually saw in this category....so, not really fair, I know).

The Iron Lady- I haven't seen this one.


Music (Original Score)

The Adventures of Tintin- The music sampled here is very British, but also can have a fun quality to it at times. It's John Williams, so you know it's good.

*The Artist- The music here is simply fantastic. Simple yet magical. I can say from watching a few silent films that this score really does do the bygone days of film justice.

Hugo- Another fantastic score is on display here.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy- I haven't seen this one yet.

War Horse- The better John Williams score out of the two (at least, in my opinion). His score here swells and sweeps across the canvas like we'd expect it to, and it brings back memories of some of his best scoring work from the past. This is easily 2nd best here, and it killed me to give the win to The Artist, but that film deserves the win here.


Actress in a Supporting Role

*Berenice Bejo (The Artist)- Not only is she beautiful here, but she also captures the look of a girl in the '30s. She plays the optimistic and happy-go-lucky Peppy Miller, and she lights up the screen like it's nobodies business (not to mention she's a fantastic tap dancer). Let's hope she gets more American roles in the future.

Jessica Chastain (The Help)- This chick was in a lot of films this year, but my least favorite of hers has GOT to be The Help. She plays a somewhat stereotyped character (a common occurance in the film), and she kind of bugged me in this film. Sorry Jessica, I wish one of your other films had been nominated instead.

Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)- This girl has got chops. She was easily the best part of the other wise awful Bridesmaids. She plays Megan, the big hearted and spunky friend to Kristen Wiig's Annie. Always a joy to watch on screen, I'm still not completely convinced she deserved an Oscar nod though.

Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)-I haven't seen this one yet.

Octavia Spencer (The Help)- One of the best parts of this film, she plays the feisty black maid Minny Jackson. Her best scene is when she hand delivers a home made pie with a certain nasty ingredient to Bryce Dallas Howard's evil Hilly Holbrook. A complete joy to watch, and super loveable, she helps us stay invested in the film despite its numerous flaws.


Actor in a Supporting Role

Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn)- I haven't seen this one yet.

Jonah Hill (Moneyball)- I haven't seen this one yet.

Nick Nolte (Warrior)- He puts on a surprisingly affecting and sad performance here as the recovering alcoholic dad who has been outcast by his sons, whom he works constantly for their love in the film. His best scene is easily when he finally can't take any more of his sons beratement and falls back into his old alcoholic habits, leading towards a touching and sad scene between father and son that had me on the edge of tears.

Christopher Plummer (Beginners)-I haven't seen this one yet.

*Max Von Sydow (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)- This actor has always been a great one, and he proves his worth once again in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. He plays the mute Renter who decides to help Oskar Schell in his quest to find which lock fits the key he believes his dad left him. Emotions pour out of him like a faucet, and all this without ever uttering a single syllable. Completely captivating, his performance here makes the film all the more great.


Actress in a Leading Role

Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)-I haven't seen this one yet.

Viola Davis (The Help)- She puts on a great performance here as the main black maid, Aibleen Clark. I honestly though that Octavia Spencer stood out the most in this film, but Viola Davis was still good, but I wouldn't call her memorable.

*Rooney Mara (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo)- This girl is completely fearless in this film, and I have to give her my immense respect. A newcomer to the business, the role of Lisbeth Salander is easily a breakout role for the young star. She has a few full frontal nude scenes in the film (Real bravery there), and also perfectly captures the character of Lisbeth, the gothy, abused, but also extremely smart and vengeful hacker. She is easily the strongest role in the film (it's fun to see her easily dominate Daniel Craig's Mikael Blomkvist in their budding relationship). She is one of the very few positive role models for girls as she takes full control of her sexuality (never letting it define who she is and never letting it control her), is super intelligent, and doesn't need a man to be empowered. Ronny Mara deserves the gold here, and if Viola Davis wins it, it's a true shame.

Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)- I haven't seen this one yet.

Michelle Williams- I haven't seen this one yet.


Actor in a Leading Role

Demian Bichir (A Better Life)- I haven't seen this one yet.

*George Cloony (The Descendents)- No surprise here. He easily captures the conflicting emotions of a man who has just been told that his wife will not come out of her coma and that she was also sleeping with another man. He is perfect in every scene he's in, especially the opening monologue he gives and also during the final goodbye he gives to his wife (a real tearjerker that perfectly captures his character). He deserves the gold here, and he'll probably get it.

Jean Dujardin (The Artist)- He does a pretty goo job here as silent movie star George Valentin, who loses his shit when he is unable (mainly due to his stubborn pride) to make the switch to talkies. He captures the character pretty well, but he's easily at his best when he's all smiles and enthusiasm. Even when he's spiraling down into depression he still emits an infectious charm, and that's why he works here (Oh, and he's also an excellent tap dancer).

Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)- I'm a HUGE fan of Oldman, but I haven't seen this one yet.

Brad Pitt (Moneyball)- I've followed Brad Pitt's career pretty closely, but I have yet to see this film.


Directing

Michael Hazanavicius (The Artist)- You can tell this guy had great control over the aspects of production here, and that this was a personal project to him. He gets believable performances out of his actors, although I still felt that there was something left to be desired in Jean Dujardin's performance here.

*Alexander Payne (The Descendants)- He easily coaxes powerhouse, yet subtle and realistic performances out of the cast he is given. He also chose a fantastic location (Hawaii) to shoot. In other hands the story here could have gotten muddied and confusing, but he handles it masterfully and it never once gets overwhelming. Here is a man who is a master at balancing different aspects and elements , and boy does it show here.

Martin Scorcese (Hugo)- I LOVE Martin Scorsese. In his hands Hugo emerges as a film that is not just kiddie fodder or a 3D spectacle, but a magical film for all, from film enthusiast to little tyke.

Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris)- Beautiful cinematography, engaging characters, and one helluva setting, Allen's love for Paris pours out of this film every second.

Terrence Malick (The Tree of Life)- Not so good with actors, but a master when dealing with imagery. The Tree of Life was a personal project for Malick, maybe a little too personal. Images clash, as do storylines, making for a film that can be hard to watch or make sense of at times.


Best Picture

The Artist- A simple little story, but one of big importance in the modern day. A silent film star spirals down into depression when he is unable to make the switch to talkies. Not only is it entertaining, but it's also historical. The film is beautifully designed, and perfectly captures the essence of what a silent film is and the era of the '30s (how cool is it to see an audience applauding but to be unable to hear the applause). Shot in glorious Black and White, The Artist is easily a modern classic that I'm sure will quickly prove timeless.


*The Descendents- The Descendants is the story of Hawaiian land baron Matt King (George Clooney) who learns that his wife will not be able to come out of the coma she's slipped into, and that she was also sleeping with another man behind his back. He must balance the tasks of finding a suitable second owner for the land (because he will lose possession of it in two years), of informing the family of his wife's imminent death, of traveling cross country with his two daughters (rebellious teen Alexandra King played to perfection by Shailene Woody and young Scottie King, played by Amara Miller) to confront the man with whom his wife was having an affair, and of having to adjust to the new role of single father. What follows is a touching, heartfelt story about the complexities of life, love, and loss. The Descendants is an extremely well rounded film that was ( at least in my opinion) easily the best film of 2011.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close- This was a truly phenomenal film. The story of a family torn apart by 9/11 and a young boy's search for meaning in a world that doesn't make sense any more is an epic, brilliant masterpiece. Thomas Horn as Oscar Schell is simply brilliant as the focal point of the story, a child with an unspecified learning disorder who, after finding a key left by his dad, sets out on a city wide search for the lock that goes with it. Tom Hanks is brilliant as Thomas Schell, Oskar's Father who is lost in the 9/11 attack, he inspired his son to think in different ways and now that he's gone it would appear that Oskar is unable to effectively cope with the tragedy. Sandra Bullock is brilliant (starting to see a trend here?) as Oskar's mother, Linda Schell, who seems out of place with the post 9/11 world and worries for her son. She brings a great deal of emotion to the role, and her and Oskar share some powerhouse scenes that are sure to tear most up. Max Von Sydow is extraordinary as the Mute Renter who helps Oskar along on his quest. The amount of emotions he conveys without saying a single word is amazing and proof positive that Sydow knows what he's doing. Every member of the cast (from leads to supporting to cameos) does a great job here, every role is well acted and there are no flat characters to be seen, the film is beautifully shot, and the story is a moving one. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close presents itself as a film about 9/11, but in reality it is really about a family unit broken by the tragedy and their efforts to rebuild what was lost in the smoke. The film doesn't offer many answers, and it doesn't shy away from its surprisingly dark themes (for example: Oskar begins to abuse himself shortly after 9/11) but the film is all the better for it. Don't listen to grouchy critics, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is easily the second best film in this category.

The Help- This film does NOT belong in the Best Picture Category. The Help is about Black and White relations in the south during the 1960's. An aspiring journalist, Skeeter Phelan (Played by Emma Roberts), sets out to make a book from the POV of the town's black maids. With help from ex-maid Minny (Octavia Spencer) and her friend Aibileen (Viola Davis) they set out to reveal the harsh working conditions that these maids must cope with every day. The acting in this film is probably the best thing about it, that said the film itself is set in a fantasy world, fails to accurately depict black/white relations, and the characters found within are heavily stereotyped and cliched. The Help is a film made by white people to make white people feel better about how they treated blacks in the 60s, and it is a very poor film for it. Maybe if they found a true story to base this film on instead of a fictional book (written by a white woman), I'd have given it a pass. As it is though, I can only reccommend it for the acting found within. (By the way, I myself am a 21 yr old white male)

Hugo- This may not be Martin Scorcese's best film, but it most definitely is his most magical. The setting of a busy train station is a fantastic one, the acting is pretty great, and the 3D is some of the best I've seen. The 3D here gives the film the look of a painting come to life, the depth sampled here is completely ridiculous, some settings seem to stretch on forever (like the archive that Hugo and Isabelle explore). The film is a technical marvel. The story here involves an orphan by the name of Hugo Cabret (Asa butterfield),Georges Melies (Ben Kingsley)who is an aging merchant with a secret; and Melies' grand daughter Isabelle (Chloe Grace Moretz). The film is about the history film, the joy of watching movies and reading books, and the thrill of a good mystery. As I've already said Hugo is a film that makes you believe in magic again, it also helps that Sacha Baron Cohen is cast to perfection as the bumbling and sad Station Inspector.

Midnight in Paris- Yet another great film from Woody Allen, this time he puts his love for one of the most beautiful cities on Earth, Paris, up on the big screen for all to see. The story here is of Gil (played perfectly by Owen Wilson), who is on a vacation to Paris with his annoying fiance Inez (played by Rachel Mc"booty"adams). Gil longs for the Paris of the roaring 20's and after a semi-drunk waltz through the street he gets his whisk as an old fashioned car whisks him away to his dream destination. The story is simple but sweet, Owen Wilson gives what will probably go down as his best performance, and Rachel Mcadam's booty does a fine performance as well. The real star here, make no mistake about it, is Paris herself. The film could act as a 90 minutes long ad for the city of love. The cinematography is breathtaking, I can't wait to buy this baby on blu-ray. The film's theme about Nostalgia isn't as strong as it could be, but Midnight in Paris is still a strong, beautiful film.

Moneyball- I haven't seen this one yet.

The Tree of Life- Many people claim this film to be unwatchable, and I agree. It's a miracle I was able to make it through this film, although I was constantly squirming in my seat. They say that Tree of Life was a personal project for Malick, I think maybe a bit too personal. When a director gets too attached to a certain project everything becomes blurry and the opinions of others are ignored, which is what I'm sure happened here. The first 30 minutes and last 20 are a symphony of seemingly unrelated images, the part in-between follows the life of one American family in the 50's , focusing mainly on a mother (Jessica Chastain), a father (Brad Pitt), and one of their sons (when young played by Hunter McCacken, when an adult played by Sean Penn although he barely appears in this film) who goes through a worldly crisis as he tries to make sense of this world, who he is, and how he fits into it all. As I said before, the film can be hair-rippingly impossible to make much sense of, and it's bound to turn many off due to it's overt religious themes. That said, while I'm not a fan of the film I do think it's neat.


War Horse- War Horse is the story of a boy and his horse, torn away from each other by the hardships of war. War Horse is a film that was made to explicitly tug at your heartstrings, and it does this with an alarming precision and skill. If you don't like films that try their hardest to make you shed a tear, then War Horse is not the film for you. I like films that are sentimental, and while I didn't cry (I don't cry easily) I definitely got choked up at the last scene. War Horse is by no means a perfect film, and while it does lose it's way in the first half it successfully finds a firm footing during the second and manages to deliver the goods we all were expecting. It's just fantastic to see both Spielberg and Williams back together again, weaving their own special brand of magic that only they can weave.


SO there you have it, my complete Oscar list. It took me at least a week to write this list, so i hoped you enjoyed it. Till then this is your ghost host with the most most saying I'll see you all on Oscar Sunday!

BEETLE ENDURED WHAT MAY BE THE MOST UNPLEASANT AND PAINFUL MOVIE-GOING EXPERIENCE OF HIS LIFE: STAR WARS: EPISODE ONE THE PHANTOM MENACE 3-D

I come before you humble readers today, on my hands and knees, begging forgiveness. I know I have bad-mouthed The Phantom Menace 3D quite recently, and I had every right to do so, but the fact of the matter is the last time I had seen the damned film was when I was nine. So, for whatever reason, I decided to make the trek to my local cinema yesterday to witness the highly hyped Phantom Menace 3D conversion. My humble readers, I made a grave mistake.

I suppose I was hoping that maybe time had been nice to the film, maybe it's one of the rare films where it's sucky when it first comes out but it gets better with age. After the first twenty minutes or so I realized to my horror that I had misjudged how bad one film could be.

So, what exactly is The Phantom Menace about??? Boring stuff, that's what, and what could more boring than....you guessed it, politics/government. Yup, There's a Star Wars film that is SOLELY about Government...this one. The whole film centers around a trade blockade around the planet Naboo. Jedi Knight Qui- Gon Jiin and his apprentice Obi Wan Kenobi are dispatched in an attempt to come to an agreement with The Trade Federation, the ones who set up the blockade. Of course, the blockade is not quite what it appears to be, as it is revealed that a member of The Galactic Senate set it up so he could commence his rise to power. Naturally, nobody else ever figures this out except for us, the audience. Either way the two Jedi's end up escaping an assassination attempt, rescuing the Naboo queen, and somehow find themselves stranded on Tattoine where they pick up young Vader-to-be Anakin Skywalker...Oh, and the infernally annoying Jar Jar Binks tags along for the ride (If you don't know who Jar Jar is...consider yourself lucky)

Jar Jar Binks and the tragic miscasting of Jake Lloyd as Anakin aside, what makes Episode One so bad, so unbearable??? Well, to put it as simply as possible: NOTHING. FUCKING. HAPPENS. Seriously, NOTHING HAPPENS, NOTHING!!!! Phantom Menace has got to be one of the most BORING films I've ever had to see. I'm seriously thinking about buying this film, just so I can put it on if I ever find myself stricken with a bad case of insomnia. The only important events that occur are minimal: Anakin leaves his mom (and the only reason that's important is that ends up becoming the catalyst for Anakin's turn to the dark side, that's right folks. Anakin's motivation to become one of the most evil, feared, and loved villains in movie history is because he's got mommy issues but that's a tale for episode two) and the blockade exists (and that's important because it helps Palpatine to become the feared Emperor, even though that arc won't be fully completed until a whopping two movies later). So, what events of importance happen in Episode one, barely any. But hey, at least there will be the exciting action scenes we've all come to know and love from Star Wars.

Whoops, there's only two. FUCKING TWO ACTION SCENES IN THE DAMNED FILM!!!! The rest of the film are characters talking about trivial bullshit and discussing politics and how Anakin should be trained as a Jedi/should not be trained as a Jedi. Remember how the original Star Wars Trilogy was exciting, had memorable characters, and kept us on the edge of the seats....yeah, don't expect that from Phantom Menace. So if hearing characters talk about uninteresting topics is what you call excitement, then Phantom Menace is chalk full of "excitement".

For most of the film, I was more so mildly annoyed and bored than I was outright angry...but for me the turning point in which I embraced my rage was during the final action scene. Why???? 1. Jar Jar WOULD NOT DIE. Allow me to explain, apparently the Gungan leader (that's the alien species Jar Jar belongs to) had some sort of severe brain hemorrhage and decides to promote Jar Jar, who had recently been banned from the Gungan underwater city due to his clumsiness in an effort to apparently stop him from eventually killing them all off, to the rank of general. FUCKING GENERAL. DUDE, for the whole film this retard-ate has done NOTHING but bumble around and you've decided to make him A FUCKING GENERAL???!!!!! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH???!!!!! So, a battle erupts between the droid army sent by The Trade Federation,and The Gungans and The Naboo, and Jar Jar finds himself trapped in the middle of it....yet, he makes it out in one piece, in fact his idiotic bumbling helps to save the day!!! Talk about a lapse in logic. Bumbling idiot+huge epic battle= INSTANT DEATH.....that's what should have happened, but NO....apparently because Jar Jar has the power of George Lucas on his side he makes it out alive, helps to save the day, and is declared a hero.

The second thing that really got my blood boiling is that Anakin, a young ten year old boy, single-handedly wins the above mentioned battle by ACCIDENTALLY blowing up the Trade Federation ship's core. Once again let me repeat that, A ten year old boy accidentally blows up the bad guy's ship core and saves the day. Ten year old kid, by accident, blows up ship, wins battle.....DOES. NOT . COMPUTE!!!!! Now I'm not saying that a ten year old purposefully blowing up a ships core would make any more sense to me....what I'm saying is that the ten year old should not have been included in the battle. There are dozens of hardened battle vets that are fighting against that ship, and they are epicly failing, suddenly a ten year old comes in and does the thing that hardened fighters could not BY FUCKING ACCIDENT??!! NO, FUCK YOU GEORGE LUCAS....NO!!!!

In an effort to appease the fans Lucas threw popular characters into Phantom menace in almost non-existent roles. C-3P0 shows up for maybe a total of three minutes, Jabba The Hut stops in to say hi and disappears just as quickly, and R2-D2 pops his head in every now and then just to say BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP. It feels like Lucas was cheaply trying to please long time fans by throwing in familiar faces. this would be ok, if he actually gave them worthwhile roles, but he doesn't. So the result is more disappointing than anything else.

Oh, and one last thing: Midi-chlorians. What does that word mean???? It means bullshit and a ton of rage and hurt for longtime Star Wars fans. It's a middle finger to fans and is George Lucas's ultimate bastardization of a crucial element to The Star Wars Saga: The Force. According to Phantom Menace Midi-chlorians are microscopic organisms that reside within everything and either are The Force or help us to detect the presence of The Force or some bullshit like that. Either way, it doesn't make sense and only serves to tarnish The Force itself. Oh, and apparently Anakin was created purely by midi-chlorians since they seem to have an unusually high presence in the boy's blood...oh, and Anakin wasn't produced by a dad (hence why the two Jedi assume The Force/midi-chlorians produced the boy). That's right folks, Lucas is trying to turn Darth Vader into Jesus. FACEPALM


So as you can see, I was angered....enraged even. The simple act of watching this film is enough to turn any Jedi Knight over to the dark side. But enough about the nonsensical bullshit that makes up this film, it's time to talk about the 3D.

The 3D, for what it is, is surprisingly impressive and breathtaking most of the time. The scenes in space give space an eerie and beautiful depth that make those scenes more jaw-dropping than ever, The scenes on Coruscant are fantastic, and the two action set pieces (The pod race and final war) are made even more amazing in 3D. That said, for the most part the 3D was uneven and inconsistent. We'd go from scenes with amazing depth to scenes that felt flat, like cardboard almost. We'd go from scenes with crystal quality, to scenes where everything was blurry. While for the most part the 3D works fine (more than fine in fact), there are areas where the 3D doesn't shine like it should or even hurts the film. It's a far from perfect conversion, but it will be sure to hold your attention nonetheless and I've got to say that without the 3D I would have walked out of this film half way through...so that's got to be worth something....right?

Star Wars Episode one The Phantom Menace 3D is the first film ever where I caught myself actually trying to take a nap in the film....that's how bored I was, where a good snooze was preferable to watching the film. For a film that bears the Star Wars name....that's really sad....in fact, unacceptable. So, overall I'd give Episode one itself half a star out of five (a big ole FUCK YOU. I figure since Lucas gave me the finger, it's only fair I give him the finger in return), the 3D I'd give three stars out of five...it was good for what it was, but it did need some tweaking here and there....at least it's obvious that Lucas and team didn't half-ass it here and actually put forth a good deal of effort. So, what would I rate the overall experience???? One star, one measly little star.

So, while I can't recommend this film to anyone, I can say that if by some strange reason you find yourself attending a screening of this film, feel comforted by the fact that you will be getting your extra money's worth as far as the 3D goes....I just wish I could say more for the film itself.

1/5 Stars SOME OLE BULLSHIT

Oh, and my theater was packed to the brim with people, most of whom cheered and applauded when the end credits rolled. Morons.

BEETLE SAYS SKIP PHANTOM MENACE 3D AND SEE CHRONICLE INSTEAD

Chronicle chronicles the lives of three ordinary turned extraordinary teens who, after making a fantastic discovery, realize they have been given the gift of telekinesis. The teens decide to use the new gift for entertainment purposes,and it's all fun and games until one of them decides to use the gift to unleash years of pent up rage.

The teen who turns bad is Andrew (Dane DeHaan), the main focal point of our story. He has been picked on for years by his peers and by his own father as well, who seems to take joy in beating Andrew senseless. Andrew is one of the ultimate social outcasts, and I assume many audience members would be able to relate to his character and his actions throughout the film. He is essentially what Darth Vader/Anakin should have been in the Star Wars prequels. When he finally loses control, it's a completely liberating and yet terrifying thing to watch. The other teens in the story are Steve (Michael B. Jordan), the popular kid in school who is running for class president, and Matt (Alex Russel), Andrew's cousin who acts as the main "hero" of the film.

One of the strongest things about the film is the friendship dynamic found within it. It is completely believable that these three characters are best friends, and it's fun to watch their bond strengthen before it ultimately falls apart at the end.

I really do love this film, but if I had to choose one element that I consider to be the weakest, it would have to be the found footage angle. It doesn't feel as if characters are recording this with cameras, and this aspect of the film is never used to its full potential until the final, exhilarating fight that serves as the climax for the film. During this fight, multiple cameras are used to capture the action including news footage, Iphones/cameras, police dashboard cams, etc. It's very fast-paced and is sure to leave your head spinning in a good a way. This scene marks one of the most original uses of the found footage gimmick I've seen, it's too bad the rest of the film only shows glimmers of the greatness to come. Also, some of the effects could have been better, but that never really detracted from my experience here.

Chronicle runs at a swift hr and 24 mins, it does its job and then leaves, never outstaying it's welcome. Many may claim it's short running time to be a detractor, but I say it's a plus. It's also fun to be able to watch these characters play with their powers, Flying through clouds, playing pranks on unsuspecting people in a toy store and finally putting on one heck of a talent show that not only wows the on-screen audience, it wows us too!!! It's nice that the film allows us to have fun with the characters before it all goes to hell (in a good way!!!).

The film does raise some interesting questions for the viewer. If given these powers, what would you do with them? Honestly, I'm not so sure I'd use them for good.

Chronicle is a very different kind of film, and it's actually pretty hard to describe what it is. To say it's a super-hero film would be lying because these teens aren't super-heroes nor do they act like super-heroes. I guess the best way to describe Chronicle is that it's a new kind of found footage film that puts a new twist on a story we have seen before. While it does take a while to get to the good stuff, once it does it's just about impossible to turn away. I'd say Chronicle feels like everything the Star Wars Prequels should have been. With Phantom Menace 3D being released tomorrow, my advice is see Chronicle instead. Not only is it the better film, but since it's not in 3D it costs less, so you'll be saving some hard earned dough.

4.5 / 5 Stars

HAHA: BEETLE REVEALS THE PURPOSE OF HIS LAST POST

If you've read my last post, you may be wondering what is up. Please, allow me to explain. There is NO SUCH THING as an actual Hollywood Tower Hotel. So, why did I post a review of it??? Why, as an introduction to the actual review today.

The Hollywood Tower Hotel only exists in your imagination, and at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Guests are welcome to book a stay there, but don't expect to be checking out anytime soon.

The Hollywood Tower Hotel at Disney's Hollywood Studio is home to one of the most thrilling and well themed attractions in the industry: The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. This attraction is an elaborate free-fall ride that sends guests on a hair-raising runaway elevator ride up and down and up and down thirteen scream inducing stories. Don't be surprised if you need to take some time out after your adventure to catch your breath.

The story is the same as the history of the hotel I posted in the previous thread. Hollywood Tower Hotel is a beacon for the Hollywood elite, but on one night a fateful lightning storm would send an entire floor of the hotel along with an elevator carrying some notable guests crashing straight into The Twilight Zone. Now, the hotel has re-opened and you, the new unwitting guests are offered the chance to book a stay there....but your room lies beyond the 5th dimension and you have to take a service elevator to get there. That's right, tonight you will be starring in your very own episode of the Twilight Zone, narrated by Rod Serling himself.

The Hotel itself is quite breathtaking. Right from the scarred and charred exterior (a truly imposing and threatening structure if I ever saw one), you can tell not all is right with The Hollywood Tower. Should you make the wise choice to book a stay at the hotel, you will find yourself first winding through a densely overgrown exterior queue which I refer to as The Gardens. Lush trees and bushes tower over you and surround you, luckily there are signs that will point you in the right direction. As you wind your way closer to the entrance , you will come across a defunct fountain (dried and cracked) and several decrepit and creepy statues. Eventually, you make it through the doorway and straight into the decaying Lobby of The Hollywood Tower Hotel. The centerpiece is a decrepit owl statue surrounded by dead roses and flowers. The whole lobby is covered in cobwebs and the people who used to occupy this area seem to have disappear mid-activity. There is luggage strewn around, a hat and cane, a Mahjong game that is stuck mid-move, a book with a page frozen mid-turn, and other really neat and creepy touches. We can clearly see the Front Desk, but no one is manning it. A bellhop will escort you to The Library (filled with props from The Twilight Zone television series, please feel free to browse around) while you wait for them to finish preparing your room. As you make your way to the Library entrance you will pass by the main elevator doors which appear to have been blown outwards by some strong force inside, they have a sign placed around them saying Out Of Order.

Once inside The Library, a particularly fierce storm seems to have started outside, lighting strikes and plunges the room into darkness and a TV flashes on. The into to The Twilight Zone Plays and Rod Serling appears to inform us what we are about to experience, should we choose to trek on wards. After this the back door of the Library slides open, and a bellhop informs us that our room is now ready and we are to board a maintenance Service elevator which will take us up to our room. We exit the Library and make our way through the dark, atmospheric, and creepy Boiler Room. At the center of the room we meet another bellhop who will direct us to an elevator and assign us a row. Once the elevator doors open, you move into the creepy looking elevator and take your seat. The elevators used to have lap bars, but those were later replaced by seat belts...thus most seats don't have something you can hold onto. This is why I usually aim for the seat closest to the wall...the wall has a small lever that I tend to grasp onto tightly for the duration of the ride. After you are buckled in and your bellhop finishes the safety check and dispenses a few final words of wisdom, the elevator doors slide shut and your're on your own as the elevator ascends into it's very own episode of The Twilight Zone.

This is where my review stops, I don't want to give too much away after all. All I can say is that the ride itself will take you on a very quick tour of the hotel, after which you will enter the 5th dimension for a harrowing series of ups and downs (the elevators reach a top speed of 39 MPH in the span of 1.5 seconds, the biggest drop on the ride is 13 stories and there is a good chance you will experience a fall from this height several times) that seem to never end. Each drop sequence is chosen at random by the Tower itself (Not even the bellhops or ride operators know which drop sequence you will experience, and each time you ride you will wind up with a different series of drops so, like the old tagline used to say, it's never the same fear twice).

Now, a word of encouragement. I, myself, have a decent sized fear of heights and falling, called Acrophobia. I DO NOT like free fall rides, but I have been on a few in my time and The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror is probably the one I enjoy the most. The combination of the unique storytelling method, elaborate theming, and intense thrills actually lead to me to consider it as more of a unique thrill ride than a free fall ride. That's right, I do not consider The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror a free fall ride. In fact, I actually LOVE this ride, and look forward to going on it whenever I'm in the Studios and I used to be one of the wimpiest guys you'd know. Just the sight of a roller coaster would send me running for the hills, I'm much braver now though. So, if someone like me can not only handle The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, but also thoroughly enjoy it and run back in line numerous times to ride it again...well, I'm sure then that even the most spineless of wimps (of which I used to be one) will find themselves enjoying this unique and fun little ride (That only lasts a total of around 3 minutes, the actual free fall portion only lasts for a good minute).

So next time you're in Disney's Hollywood Studios, feel free to book a stay at The Hollywood Tower Hotel (or at least walk through the queue if you don't think you can handle the ride, although trust me, you can) I guarantee that you won't regret it. Till next time, this is your Ghost Host with the most most saying...Happy Landings. MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Tower of Terror gets a 9.7/ 10 Stars (I wish the ride portion was a bit longer)

BEETLE DROPS BY THE HOLLYWOOD TOWER HOTEL

My feet were killing me. I had walked a long ways to get here, but what stood before me made the pain completely worth it. A symbol of the bygone days of Hollywood, a relic from a lost era....The Hollywood Tower Hotel.

Opened in 1917, The Hollywood Tower Hotel used to be the it spot for movie stars of the time, a beacon for the Hollywood elite. It's popularity would be tragically short lived but the Hollywood Tower Hotel would live on in infamy forever. In 1959, during a Hollywood party an intense storm hit Hollywood, and The Hollywood Tower Hotel was struck by lightning. The elevators were lost during the strike as well as a whole floor of the hotel along with some Hollywood guests that just happened to be riding in one of the elevators, which crashed. Their bodies were never recovered. Shortly afterwards, the Hollywood Tower Hotel was condemned...it seemed that a Hollywood Icon would remain shuttered forever, looking down on the changing area like a ghost of the past.

Luckily, as fate would have it, a wealthy landowner was able to buy the Hotel and successfully re-opened the Hotel in 1994. the Hollywood Tower Hotel was back in business again.

Of course, I could never resist the chance to stay in a place with such a rich history and that played host to one of the most tragic events to ever hit Hollywood, so last year I made my reservation and booked a room in the Hotel. Let me tell you, I was not disappointed. The whole Hotel, exterior and interior have been kept intact from the way it was all the way back when the hotel first opened...the effect is absolutely stunning. When you step foot into the hotel it's almost as if you are stepping back in time.

The rooms are stocked with all the usual amenities (shampoo, towels, TV). The beds are comfortable, and there is room service provided. The staff on hand at the hotel are courteous and eager to help, I have to give a shout-out to the bellhops at the hotel...they go above and beyond in the call of duty. The Hotel also has some tennis courts, a pool, and some gardens...all of which are worth your time should you choose to visit them.

When you leave, you are given a free certificate stating that you were a guest at the hotel on whatever date you arrived. The guest and staff made my visit a more than pleasant one and made it clear that I was welcome back if ever I should choose to return.

A neat thing about the hotel that I have to point out is that, after the famous storm of '39 the main elevators were rendered inoperable and despite the new managements best efforts it seems that they shall remain this way. This means that in order to reach your room, guests will have to take the maintenance Service Elevators which more than do the job. They may not look as pretty, but they definitely get the job done. It helps to remind you that, despite it's former glory, that the road to get where the hotel is today was not necessarily an easy one.

So, I have to give The Hollywood Tower Hotel 5 Stars and my shining recommendation. So, next time you are in the Hollywood area, please do drop in to The Hollywood Tower Hotel. The staff is DYING to satisfy your every need, and there is usually a vacancy or two available.

BEETLE GETS WRAPPED UP IN RUBBER: SPOILERS!!!!

I love Rubber. I know there are people out there who definitely would not enjoy this film, but let's face it...a film about a sentient tire with psycho-kinetic abilities that goes around exploding people's heads isn't exactly a film that's aimed to please large crowds...luckily I'm part of it's target audience, and I've come here to explain the film to those who just won't be able to understand why it's so brilliant. I'm not knockin you if you can't understand the film, if you can't it's really not your fault. The beauty of Rubber is that if you get it, then you're meant to get it and if you don't, then you never were supposed to in the first place...you dig?...I'm confusing you, aren't I?

Rubber starts out with a fantastic opening monologue about the importance of "No Sense" in films and in life. Not only does this speech explain and warn us what we are about to watch, but it also introduces what is arguably the best character in the film, Sherriff Chet (Stephen Spinella). Chet acts as a guide of sorts on our journey, acting as a character inside the film and also as an actor in real life. Most of the memorable scenes in Rubber feature Chet, and he is a fascinating man to watch. The film also has some other actors in it (the only other notable ones being Jack Plotnick as the dweebish and nasty Accountant, and Roxanne Mesquida as the super hot Sheila), but the main billing here really goes to Chet and Robert The Killer Tire.

Rubber presents itself as an homage to "No Sense", but in reality it is actually a fairly deep commentary on the art of film itself. From the first scene, in which a random group of people (dubbed "The Audience") are plopped down in the middle of a desert and given binoculars through which they will watch the proceedings, you know you are in for something really special and different. One of the things Rubber does is analyze the audience's reactions to the proceedings and their tendency to over-analyze certain aspects of the film. The film makes a strong statement about the audience when it kills all but one picky critic off (who then becomes the catalyst for the rest of the film) by feeding them a poisoned turkey. What exactly that means I'm not sure, but either way it can't be good for us.

One of my favorite things in Rubber is it's comment on when a film begins to run a bit too long. Rubber itself does run a bit too long, and the film acknowledges this by having Chet, after a failed attempt at stopping Robert, burst into Robert's house and point blank shoot him. Chet's actions are not done because he is heroic, they are done because Chet is tired of the film running on for so long and just wants the damned thing to end (The kicker??? Robert is quickly reincarnated as a tricycle shortly after Chet storms out of the picture). These are just two examples of some of the commentary you will find in this extraordinary film.

Rubber is a twisted, warped, absurd, and hysterical commentary on film. Not much really happens in Rubber, but the film is brilliant nontheless. It's bound to turn some people off, but the film seems unfazed by this because it was never targeted at a large audience to begin with. Rubber is a unique, different film that was created by film fans for film fans, so chances are if you are a film fan that you will more likely than not enjoy this weird little flick...however, if you do not fall into this category why don't you slip in that coveted DVD of Shark Night and leave this one to us big boys.

5/5 Stars