BEETLE'S REVIEW OF JENNIFER'S BODY

This may very well be the biggest dissapointment of the year since Transformers 2. Diablo Cody decides to try her hand at horror and it's a swing and a miss.

The film follows Jennifer; a smokin hot cheer captain type; and her semi-nerdy BFF (or as they call themselves "Biffs") as after a particularly crazy night at a bar Jennifer is abducted by a hot boy band, a few hours later she shows back up at Needys house covered in blood with a crazed smile plastered onto her face and proceeds to devour a slab of raw meat and projectile Vomit black goo all over the kitchen floor. It isn't long after that that Jennifer begins her new diet consisting of unsuspecting Teenaged boys.



At first glance the story concept sounds like an idea that we could have alot of fun with, and that's the first problem with Jennifer's body. The story had such great potential to be a fun, kick-ass film but neither Diablo Cody or Karyn Kusama act upon this. Jennifer's Body could have been a fun, sexy, gory romp through our local cinema but because Cody and Kusama ignored the various opportunities the story provided, the film unfortunately fell flat.


The trailers promised many things to viewers. They promised us sexy Jennifer doin her thing, gory kills on the big screen, and Megan Fox naked. The film did not deliver any of the above, instead choosing to tease us all the way till the end. The closest we get to actually seeing Jennifer rip into a boy is via an extended shadow shot. There's not much blood or gore here, certainly not enough to satisfy the most rabid of fans. Yet another problem with the film was that even though the film was rated R it felt like a poorly done typical run-of-the mill horror film. I honestly don't know how this film got an R. It feels like a film made for only the most stupid and easily pleased of middle-schoolers


The main reason I went to this film was to see Megan Fox doin her usual queen of Sex routine, but we never get any closeups of her ass or even zooming shots over her body as she walks or dances. I'm convinced that with a male director the film could have delivered on the goods , but instead the film is surprisingly devoid of Megan's usual sexed-up persona, and as far as breast shots go the film was empty of that as well. There was a ton of internet hype about seeing Fox Boobage, even photos of the scene were leaked, but when we actually get to the scene it feels quickly edited to extract the said shots, showing everything BUT the objects we want to see, which is a huge dissapointment.


The film was advertised as a horror/comedy but fails to deliver in both categories. Diablo Cody seems to have wanted to make her version of a horror movie but can't seem to provide any suspense. She uses the oldest cliches in the book. The methods she uses have been done so many times that it gives the film a been there-done that feel. As far as comedy goes the film is terribly flat as well. There are a few giggles but nothing that you'll remember as you walk out of the theatre. You can expect Cody's usual sense of wit, but we already saw all that in Juno last year.

Just about the only scenes that actually work are with Needy and her boyfriend Chip (including a hilarious sex scene they share...once again; no boobs). They are just about the only characters that feel real and that you care about in the film. Together they have a natural charisma and charm that just draws the viewer in. Besides these the only other scene that is able to nab viewers attentions is the makeout scene between Needy and Jennifer, they get pretty up in there with each other and the scene quickly becomes pretty intense. It showed that Kusama and Cody knew what we wanted to see, but as to why they didn't make more scenes like this is a mystery.


The film, unfortunately, is more of a chick flick that was created to give girls a film to drag their BFFs to on a boring night. It offers absolutely nothing for men. Think Juno in a halloween costume.


All in all Jennifer's Body was not a very fun film to watch. Hindered by a less-than-worthy script (lots of bad lines), pretty mediocre directing, and a sloppy editing job the film had potential to be a smash-hit but fell short due to the efforts of Cody and Kusama. Jennifer's Body adds up to a dissapointing time at the movies.

Some ole Bullshit- 1 star

BEETLEJUICE'S SUMMER WRAP-UP

Hey there Beetle-heads. I've decided to wrap up the already long-gone summer with some quick movie awards.

FIRST COMES THE AWARD FOR BEST EFFORT

AND THE AWARD GOES TO: TERMINATOR SALVATION. I was one of the few people that actually enjoyed this flm. I thought that it's a misunderstood film for the most part. McG did his best to create a quality film but tragically fell short in the long run, failing to please most viewers.

NEXT UP IS THE COMEBACK AWARD.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO: SAM RAIMI FOR HIS WORK IN DRAG ME TO HELL. Raimi had started out making great films in the 80s but then made the somewhat dissapointing Spiderman Series. With Drag Me To Hell Raimi has proven that he's still got it. He made the comeback of the Summer.

NOW FOR THE FUNNEST FILM AWARD.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO: DRAG ME TO HELL. While Inglourious Bastards was a really fun film, it was interspersed with some truely serious moments, which is why this award goes to Drag Me To Hell. Every second of this film was pure, unadulterated FUN! You did good Sam Raimi...you should be proud.

NEXT UP IS THE BIGGEST DISSAPOINTMENT AWARD.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO: STAR TREK. This film had been hyped up beyond belief. The result: It tragically could not live up to my high expectations.

NOW FOR THE BEST ACTOR AWARD

AND THE AWARD GOES TO: SHARLTO COPLEY in DISTRICT NINE. He gives a no-holds barred performance in his first ever role on the big screen. He brought a healthy dose of humanity to the role that was missing in the other offerings this summer. The result: The audience was treated to a breath of fresh air.

NEXT IS THE AWARD FOR BEST ACTRESS

AND THE AWARD GOES TO: ALISON LOHMAN in DRAG ME TO HELL. The crap she goes through in this film and the amount of energy and gusto she throws into the role is amazing to watch on the big screen.

And now we get to the BIG awards

WORST FILM OF THE SUMMER AWARD

This award is a hard one. when thinking about the worst films I've seen this Summer 2 ones come to mind: Transformers 2 and Halloween 2 (coincidence these are both sequels?). In the end the only way I could answer this is if I asked myself the question: Which film would I rather never see again. so, with that question firmly answered there is only one film that truely deserves this award

AND IT GOES TO: TRANSFORMERS 2. While Halloween 2 was truely a terribly film I could probably sit through it one last time because it had several cool visuals, but with Transformers 2 I'd rather shoot myself than be forced to sit through that shit-fest again. It was one of the rare films where I was anxious for it to be over. It was a tortuous experience.

NOW, THE AWARD FOR BEST DIRECTOR.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO: QUENTIN TARANTINO for INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS. In the film Quentin treated the viewer to an epic tale of WW2. It was one of the most unique experiences I've had at the movies in a while.

NOW FOR THE BEST FILM OF THE SUMMER AWARD.

As I said in an earlier review District Nine and Inglourious Bastards found themselves in a race for best film of the summer. The results were really close and really hard to call because they were both so amazingly good and so different. One was a pure, amazing escapist fantasy epic experience at the movies and the other was an intelligent low-budget film that had the balls to delve into the darkest corners of Humanity and show what it found on the big screen for all to see. this was the hardest award to call.

AND THE AWARD FOR BEST FILM GOES TO:......... DISTRICT NINE. While I really enjoyed Inglourious Bastards and believe it to be MY favorite film of the Summer, I beleieve the best, highest quality, overall most well done film of the summer was district Nine for all of it's engrossing themes and disturbing visuals. THAT is why it won the Best Film award.

Thats it for the awards and my summer wrap up, thank you for reading and I hope you ALL had an amazing time at the movies this Summer.

Recap
BEST FILM: DISTRICT NINE
2ND PLACE/ MY FAVORITE FILM AWARD: INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS
3RD PLACE:DRAG ME TO HELL
WORST FILM: TRANSFORMERS 2
2ND PLACE: HALLOWEEN 2
COMEBACK AWARD: SAM RAIMI FOR HIS WORK IN DRAG ME TO HELL
BEST EFFORT: TERMINATOR SALVATION
BIGGEST DISSAPOINTMENT: STAR TREK
BEST ACTRESS: ALISON LOHMAN in DRAG ME TO HELL
BEST ACTOR: SHARLTO COPLEY in DISTRICT NINE
BEST DIRECTOR: QUENTIN TARANTINO for INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS

BEETLE'S BUG JUICE: HALLOWEEN 3-D!!!??

Considering the flop that we now know as Halloween 2 failed epicly at the box office I thought it was finally safe to say that The Halloween saga had finally come to an end. Well, unfortunately it would appear that I was wrong and Hollywood has no concept of when to lay a franchise to rest.

From what I've heard is that yet another Halloween film has been green-lighted, but this time Rob Zombie is not set to direct. He seems to have grown tired and disillusioned with the series while he was in the middle of the 2nd film. This may explain why Halloween 2 was so poorly done and felt so rushed. Anyways, The new director is rumored to be either Steve Miner or Patrick Lussier.

BUT WAIT, it gets worse. You're gonna have to hold your nose for this one folks because it has been confirmed that Halloween 3 will be filmed entirely in 3-D. Hollywood has really taken a unique effect and just axed it to pieces. OH NO, BODY PARTS FLYING AT MY FACE!!! gag me. the last 2 really good 3-D films I've seen were Monsters Vs. Aliens and Coraline. With My Bloody Valentine 3-D and G-Force in 3-D it seems like 3-D is now being used to cover the fact that some films are really crappy, hoping that having random crap fly out at the audience will distract us from realizing that we're witnessing the death of American Cinema. It really saddens me.

With Halloween 3-D I'm guessing that we can expect to see flying blood, body parts, and a crappy production value. I can only hope and pray that Halloween 3 will be the stake in the coffin of cheap 3-D effects. Halloween 3-D is currently slated for a 2010 release, so if you like the idea of havin Michael Meyers stab you to death via some crappy 3-D effects you don't have much longer to wait.

Till then I'm Beetlejuice and you've just been BUGGED.

BEETLE'S RETRO REVIEW OF THE STRANGERS

Hey there Beetle-heads and welcome to my first ever RETRO REVIEW.

Here's how it works: A retro review could be of a film that came out a year ago or even 40 years ago. Today the review at hand is the contemporary horror classic: THE STRANGERS. So, let's get this puppy rollin.

The Strangers stars Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman as Kristen Mckay and James Hoyt (a couple of lovebirds) that after a long day retire to James' family's summer home. However, it doesn't take long before a knock at the door sends the couple spiraling down deeper and deeper into a world of terror that there is seemingly no escape from.

The film is incredibly well-paced and takes it's time establishing itself and setting the mood before it delves into some serious territory. Every scare and startle in this film is real. It doesn't pull any punches and is one of the rare horror films that refuses to cheat or trick it's audience.

The main thing I LOVE about this film is that; unlike newer horror films; it doesn't rely on heavy violence or copious amounts of blood and gore to induce a scare, instead The Strangers uses extreme amounts of suspense and tension to get you to grasp your chair tighter and release a few yelps.

I've seen this film a total of 3 times and my reaction has always been the same. It seems to just get better with repeated viewings. The "Strangers" of the title are spooky, ghost-like people that wear masks and like to toy with their victims before they decide to finish them off (will Krisyen and James survive?), relishing in the terror they create and savoring the look on their victims faces as they kill them. Their sick puppies, to put it politely.

Overall The Strangers is a brilliantly executed masterpiece of pure terror. It's my personal favorite horror film to come out the last few years. If you're looking for genuine scares, terror, and a great simplistic plot then The Strangers is the film for you.

BETTER THAN SEX- 5 STARS

BEETLEJUICE'S REVIEW OF HALLOWEEN 2

All I really have to say is: WHY???

Halloween 2 is the continuing story of Laurie Strode and her psychotic Frankenstein creation seriel killer of a brother Michael meyers.

The film has many beautiful visuals that pop up on screen and really had potential to become a welcome part of the on-going story. Unfortunately every good thing in this film is buried underneath a pile of pointless kills, unlikeable characters that you honestly don't give two shits about, and an almost non-existant story.

All The characters you love are back except this time Rob Zombie was somehow able to take away everything that got you to care about them. Loomis has been turned into a selfish, uncaring jerk. Laurie is slowly going insane. Annie barely gets any screen time at all. The only character that really put on a good performance was Brad Douriff as the Sheriff and you can't really bring yourself to care about him either.

In This film Rob Zombie once again trys to play psycho-analyst as he delves even deeper into Laurie's and Meyer's minds. The only problem is that Zombie is NOT a psycho-analyst so these parts end up having nothng to say, nothng to add to the story, and only ends up confusing the viewer.

This Time Zombie ups the violence and has us witness increasingly more and more disturbingly violent murders. It's one thing to have kills that actually add something to the story and make sense...but this film is filled with pointless kills that add nothing but more pointless and unneeded violence to the film.

Zombie trys to convince us that there is indeed a story somewhere in this awful mess but as hard as I look I can't find it. Maybe it's buried underneath all the violence...but I doubt it. the film is basically about the battle for Laurie's soul. kinda lame.

Halloween 2 is a hollow shell of a movie. It looks kind of nice on the outside but it's got nothin nice goin on inside. If you were to open it up all you would find is a lot of blood and nothingness. Halloween 2 is basically a series of pointless, unneeded violence carelessly strung together by a limp, weak storyline. I wouldn't recommend this film to anyone in all honesty. It's just not an enjoyable film to see.

Some ole Bullshit- 1 star

Although the rated edition was terrible, The unrated was much better. The kills were more scattered throughout so it didn't feel like overkill (pardon the bad pun), the characters were more developed and had more complete arcs, and the ending was more satisfying (Michael SPEAKS!!!). I feel that the failure of the rated edition was due to the restraints the MPAA placed on Zombie and with those restraints taken off, Zombie is given the chance to show his complete disturbing vision for his Halloween film.
Unrated: 4/5

BEETLE'S REVIEW OF INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS

I may have spoken too soon when I said that District Nine was the best movie of the Summer...quite possibly the year, for a week after District Nine came out another film debuted that almost knocked D-9 off its feet. That film...was INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS.

The film follows a group of Americans during WW2 that have a dream: To hunt, torture, kill and scalp Nazis. The group's name is The Inglourious Bastards but are simply referred to as the Bastards thru-out the whole film. Given that the plot in itself sounds pretty bad-ass, the fact that the film is somehow able to surprise you and end up being even more bad-ass than you could have imagined was a thousand point bonus.

I had forgotten what a true quality film feels like and had gone into Bastards expecting your typical mindless action film. Let's get one thing straight here: Quentin Tarantino does not do mindless action. He rigs explosives to the big screen, attaches an amazingly well-thought out storyline, a well-written script and a cast of great actors (including Brad Pitt) to the explosives and sets the fucker to blow all over your mind. I walked out of the theatre shell-shocked and at a loss for words to describe this film.

To be fair I feel that I must point out some things that annoyed me about the film. First: It feels like Quentin trys too hard to make the Nazis unlikeable. They spit out cracks on just about every American Minority (Mainly Blacks)...even on America itself. Most Americans already hate Nazis, so it was like he was trying too hard to convince the audience of something we already know and believe.

The second thing that kind of annoyed me about the film is that even though the film is called the Inglorious Bastards the Bastards themselves are only in about 70% of the film. The rest consist of a secondary story arc about a Jewish chick named Shosanna that was able to escape the Nazis when she was younger and now hatches her own plot to destroy the whole of the Nazi army. It makes for a fairly interesting side-story but I came to see The Bastards; not some young, attractive chick grow some balls (not litterally) and come up with her own plan.

While I found these things annoying in no way did they prevent me from overall enjoying this masterpiece, and it should be the same for whoever buys a ticket to "Bastards".

In my opinion Bastards is right up there with Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. It's definently a classic. I recently saw the film for a 2nd time in theatres and it was just as good as I remembered it being. When it ended I once again found myself cheering in my seat. A true testament to this films power.

Inglourious Bastards is easily one of the funnest and most guilt-free movies that's come along in a LONG time (You have no problem cheering when you watch one of the Nazi's get bludgeoned to death by a baseball bat). It's a bloody, rip-roarin good time at the movies that gives that other intelligent film D-9 a good run for it's money.

Overall "Bastards" adds up to a bad-ass time at your local theatre. Refuse to see it at your own risk.



Better than sex- 5 stars