Better early than never I always say!
As a fan of film you can probably guess what I will be watching on February 26. That's right, The Oscars. Since it's fresh on my mind, I've decided to post my Oscar predictions for 2012. So let's delve right in, shall we?
We start out with the Best Song Category. Here are the Nominees
Real in Rio from Rio- I would be lying if I said this song wasn't infectious, because it definitely is. It's as infectious as a virus. I have not seen the film (yet), but luckily you can find the song on youtube. Watch at your own risk though, because there is a good chance you will catch the Rio rhythm.
* Man or Muppet from The Muppets- This song is my pick for the win. The song is pure comedy gold and is guaranteed to put a smile on your face, not to mention it features a brief cameo from Jim Parsons, better known to most as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. Shame on The Oscars for deciding to opt out of having these songs perform live, I would have given just about anything to see Jim Parsons, Jason Segal and The Muppets on stage together. Oh well, I guess these days we can't have nice things.
Visual Effects
Harry Potter- I would without a doubt say that this film had the 2nd best visual effects of the year. I've always loved HP, and yes, I may be a little bit biased but if it weren't for another film being on the list HP would have easily nabbed the gold here. Simply magical.
Real Steel- I have not seen this one so I can't say what I though, that said the effects I witnessed in the trailer look good enough.
*Hugo- This film should get the award. The effects here were stunning and breathtaking, especially in 3D, where the film felt like a painting come to life. Hugo's effects made me believe in magic again and transported me back to my single digit years. Every where you look in this film there is immense, unbelievable depth and magic ....This film deserves best visual effects.
Rise of The Planet of The Apes- despite all the hype, I really wasn't wowed by the film or its visual effects. yes, they were cutting edge, but...I just couldn't fully get on board. I wouldn't be surprised if this won the award due to all the hype, but I still feel that Hugo deserves this one.
Transformers: Dark of The Moon- It was cool to get to see all my Autobot friends in glorious 3D. The visual effects sampled here are more than good, but still can't compare to other films on this list.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
*The Descendants- Right from the opening monologue I could tell that this screenplay was superbly written.
Hugo- Another great screenplay, easily second best of the year.
Ides of March- This one was pretty good.
Moneyball- Haven't seen it.
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy- Haven't seen it
Animated Feature Film
Chico and Rita- I haven't seen this film. I can tell that it has stunning animation, and that's good, but the fact remains that it wasn't made in the U.S.A and that disqualifies it for me. Make a separate animated foreign film category if you must, but from now on please don't include foreign films in the best of categories.
A Cat in Paris- Another one with good animation that I haven't seen yet. The story looks really sloppy and wakward and it wasn't made in the U.S.A, so it's another one that shouldn't have been included in this list.
Kung Fu Panda 2- Haven't sen it yet.
Puss In Boots- Haven't seen it yet.
*Rango- Rango is a truly different animated film, and it gets a ton of bonus points for its uniqueness. Make no mistake, it's a very weird, awkward film, but I love it. It's the best animated film I have seen in a long, long time.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
The Artist- There's really not much of a screenplay here, the film is almost all silent and there are little to no title cards in the film. I'm sure there's lots of descriptions in the screenplay, but let's be honest here, words really are not the focus of a silent film, but instead the actor's/character's emotions and physical acting.
Bridesmaids- HAHAHA, NO! I could go on a VERY lengthy rant about why I COMPLETELY DETEST THIS STUPID LITTLE FILM (It's raunchy just for the sake of being raunchy, it's not really all that funny except for a few scenes, and the main character is a RAGING SELFISH BITCH), but I'll try to reel myself in. The screenplay is decent, but really nothing memeorable. It definitely did not deserve it's place in this category, I'd rather 50/50 have been nominated than this pile of dog feces.
Margin Call- I have not seen this one, yet. That said it definitely looks interesting.
*Midnight in Paris- This screenplay is just beautiful, very well crafted, but what else would you expect from Woody Allen?
A Separation- Haven't seen this one yet.
Sound Mixing (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)
*Hugo
Sound Editing (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)
*Drive
Art Direction (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)
*Hugo
Film Editing (I won't be posting explanations in this one, just the film I hope will win)
*Hugo
Cinematography
The Artist- Fantastic cinematography is on display here. The cinematography here is meant to capture the era of the silent movie, and it does so perfectly. I love the Black and White.
Girl With The Dragon Tattoo- Very bleak, dark colors that fit the super dark story to be found here. Overall, another great job.
*Hugo- The angles, shots, and cuts used in this film all help to add to the overwhelming magical feel that this cool little flick effortlessly emits.
The Tree of Life- Beautiful cinematography here, in fact the cinematography and images here are better than the story itself.
War Horse- Breathtaking images of the countryside and of a chaotic war field, and exquisite close ups of horses (one of my favorite animals) are all on display here. It's a fantastic job. Easily 2nd place here.
Costume Design
*The Artist- Simplistic but realistic, the costume design in The Artist is some of the best.
Hugo- The costume design here is like that of a fantastic play. It's easily 2nd best here.
Anonymous- I haven't seen this one.
Jane Eyre- I haven't seen this one.
W.E.- I haven't seen this one.
Makeup
Albert Nobbs- I haven't seen this one, but since the film is about Glenn Close having to look like man I imagine it's pretty tops.
*Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part Two- The war torn look of the characters and the always fantastic design of Voldemort are why I chose this one to win (that and it's the only film I actually saw in this category....so, not really fair, I know).
The Iron Lady- I haven't seen this one.
Music (Original Score)
The Adventures of Tintin- The music sampled here is very British, but also can have a fun quality to it at times. It's John Williams, so you know it's good.
*The Artist- The music here is simply fantastic. Simple yet magical. I can say from watching a few silent films that this score really does do the bygone days of film justice.
Hugo- Another fantastic score is on display here.
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy- I haven't seen this one yet.
War Horse- The better John Williams score out of the two (at least, in my opinion). His score here swells and sweeps across the canvas like we'd expect it to, and it brings back memories of some of his best scoring work from the past. This is easily 2nd best here, and it killed me to give the win to The Artist, but that film deserves the win here.
Actress in a Supporting Role
*Berenice Bejo (The Artist)- Not only is she beautiful here, but she also captures the look of a girl in the '30s. She plays the optimistic and happy-go-lucky Peppy Miller, and she lights up the screen like it's nobodies business (not to mention she's a fantastic tap dancer). Let's hope she gets more American roles in the future.
Jessica Chastain (The Help)- This chick was in a lot of films this year, but my least favorite of hers has GOT to be The Help. She plays a somewhat stereotyped character (a common occurance in the film), and she kind of bugged me in this film. Sorry Jessica, I wish one of your other films had been nominated instead.
Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)- This girl has got chops. She was easily the best part of the other wise awful Bridesmaids. She plays Megan, the big hearted and spunky friend to Kristen Wiig's Annie. Always a joy to watch on screen, I'm still not completely convinced she deserved an Oscar nod though.
Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)-I haven't seen this one yet.
Octavia Spencer (The Help)- One of the best parts of this film, she plays the feisty black maid Minny Jackson. Her best scene is when she hand delivers a home made pie with a certain nasty ingredient to Bryce Dallas Howard's evil Hilly Holbrook. A complete joy to watch, and super loveable, she helps us stay invested in the film despite its numerous flaws.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn)- I haven't seen this one yet.
Jonah Hill (Moneyball)- I haven't seen this one yet.
Nick Nolte (Warrior)- He puts on a surprisingly affecting and sad performance here as the recovering alcoholic dad who has been outcast by his sons, whom he works constantly for their love in the film. His best scene is easily when he finally can't take any more of his sons beratement and falls back into his old alcoholic habits, leading towards a touching and sad scene between father and son that had me on the edge of tears.
Christopher Plummer (Beginners)-I haven't seen this one yet.
*Max Von Sydow (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)- This actor has always been a great one, and he proves his worth once again in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. He plays the mute Renter who decides to help Oskar Schell in his quest to find which lock fits the key he believes his dad left him. Emotions pour out of him like a faucet, and all this without ever uttering a single syllable. Completely captivating, his performance here makes the film all the more great.
Actress in a Leading Role
Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)-I haven't seen this one yet.
Viola Davis (The Help)- She puts on a great performance here as the main black maid, Aibleen Clark. I honestly though that Octavia Spencer stood out the most in this film, but Viola Davis was still good, but I wouldn't call her memorable.
*Rooney Mara (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo)- This girl is completely fearless in this film, and I have to give her my immense respect. A newcomer to the business, the role of Lisbeth Salander is easily a breakout role for the young star. She has a few full frontal nude scenes in the film (Real bravery there), and also perfectly captures the character of Lisbeth, the gothy, abused, but also extremely smart and vengeful hacker. She is easily the strongest role in the film (it's fun to see her easily dominate Daniel Craig's Mikael Blomkvist in their budding relationship). She is one of the very few positive role models for girls as she takes full control of her sexuality (never letting it define who she is and never letting it control her), is super intelligent, and doesn't need a man to be empowered. Ronny Mara deserves the gold here, and if Viola Davis wins it, it's a true shame.
Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)- I haven't seen this one yet.
Michelle Williams- I haven't seen this one yet.
Actor in a Leading Role
Demian Bichir (A Better Life)- I haven't seen this one yet.
*George Cloony (The Descendents)- No surprise here. He easily captures the conflicting emotions of a man who has just been told that his wife will not come out of her coma and that she was also sleeping with another man. He is perfect in every scene he's in, especially the opening monologue he gives and also during the final goodbye he gives to his wife (a real tearjerker that perfectly captures his character). He deserves the gold here, and he'll probably get it.
Jean Dujardin (The Artist)- He does a pretty goo job here as silent movie star George Valentin, who loses his shit when he is unable (mainly due to his stubborn pride) to make the switch to talkies. He captures the character pretty well, but he's easily at his best when he's all smiles and enthusiasm. Even when he's spiraling down into depression he still emits an infectious charm, and that's why he works here (Oh, and he's also an excellent tap dancer).
Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)- I'm a HUGE fan of Oldman, but I haven't seen this one yet.
Brad Pitt (Moneyball)- I've followed Brad Pitt's career pretty closely, but I have yet to see this film.
Directing
Michael Hazanavicius (The Artist)- You can tell this guy had great control over the aspects of production here, and that this was a personal project to him. He gets believable performances out of his actors, although I still felt that there was something left to be desired in Jean Dujardin's performance here.
*Alexander Payne (The Descendants)- He easily coaxes powerhouse, yet subtle and realistic performances out of the cast he is given. He also chose a fantastic location (Hawaii) to shoot. In other hands the story here could have gotten muddied and confusing, but he handles it masterfully and it never once gets overwhelming. Here is a man who is a master at balancing different aspects and elements , and boy does it show here.
Martin Scorcese (Hugo)- I LOVE Martin Scorsese. In his hands Hugo emerges as a film that is not just kiddie fodder or a 3D spectacle, but a magical film for all, from film enthusiast to little tyke.
Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris)- Beautiful cinematography, engaging characters, and one helluva setting, Allen's love for Paris pours out of this film every second.
Terrence Malick (The Tree of Life)- Not so good with actors, but a master when dealing with imagery. The Tree of Life was a personal project for Malick, maybe a little too personal. Images clash, as do storylines, making for a film that can be hard to watch or make sense of at times.
Best Picture
The Artist- A simple little story, but one of big importance in the modern day. A silent film star spirals down into depression when he is unable to make the switch to talkies. Not only is it entertaining, but it's also historical. The film is beautifully designed, and perfectly captures the essence of what a silent film is and the era of the '30s (how cool is it to see an audience applauding but to be unable to hear the applause). Shot in glorious Black and White, The Artist is easily a modern classic that I'm sure will quickly prove timeless.
*The Descendents- The Descendants is the story of Hawaiian land baron Matt King (George Clooney) who learns that his wife will not be able to come out of the coma she's slipped into, and that she was also sleeping with another man behind his back. He must balance the tasks of finding a suitable second owner for the land (because he will lose possession of it in two years), of informing the family of his wife's imminent death, of traveling cross country with his two daughters (rebellious teen Alexandra King played to perfection by Shailene Woody and young Scottie King, played by Amara Miller) to confront the man with whom his wife was having an affair, and of having to adjust to the new role of single father. What follows is a touching, heartfelt story about the complexities of life, love, and loss. The Descendants is an extremely well rounded film that was ( at least in my opinion) easily the best film of 2011.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close- This was a truly phenomenal film. The story of a family torn apart by 9/11 and a young boy's search for meaning in a world that doesn't make sense any more is an epic, brilliant masterpiece. Thomas Horn as Oscar Schell is simply brilliant as the focal point of the story, a child with an unspecified learning disorder who, after finding a key left by his dad, sets out on a city wide search for the lock that goes with it. Tom Hanks is brilliant as Thomas Schell, Oskar's Father who is lost in the 9/11 attack, he inspired his son to think in different ways and now that he's gone it would appear that Oskar is unable to effectively cope with the tragedy. Sandra Bullock is brilliant (starting to see a trend here?) as Oskar's mother, Linda Schell, who seems out of place with the post 9/11 world and worries for her son. She brings a great deal of emotion to the role, and her and Oskar share some powerhouse scenes that are sure to tear most up. Max Von Sydow is extraordinary as the Mute Renter who helps Oskar along on his quest. The amount of emotions he conveys without saying a single word is amazing and proof positive that Sydow knows what he's doing. Every member of the cast (from leads to supporting to cameos) does a great job here, every role is well acted and there are no flat characters to be seen, the film is beautifully shot, and the story is a moving one. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close presents itself as a film about 9/11, but in reality it is really about a family unit broken by the tragedy and their efforts to rebuild what was lost in the smoke. The film doesn't offer many answers, and it doesn't shy away from its surprisingly dark themes (for example: Oskar begins to abuse himself shortly after 9/11) but the film is all the better for it. Don't listen to grouchy critics, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is easily the second best film in this category.
The Help- This film does NOT belong in the Best Picture Category. The Help is about Black and White relations in the south during the 1960's. An aspiring journalist, Skeeter Phelan (Played by Emma Roberts), sets out to make a book from the POV of the town's black maids. With help from ex-maid Minny (Octavia Spencer) and her friend Aibileen (Viola Davis) they set out to reveal the harsh working conditions that these maids must cope with every day. The acting in this film is probably the best thing about it, that said the film itself is set in a fantasy world, fails to accurately depict black/white relations, and the characters found within are heavily stereotyped and cliched. The Help is a film made by white people to make white people feel better about how they treated blacks in the 60s, and it is a very poor film for it. Maybe if they found a true story to base this film on instead of a fictional book (written by a white woman), I'd have given it a pass. As it is though, I can only reccommend it for the acting found within. (By the way, I myself am a 21 yr old white male)
Hugo- This may not be Martin Scorcese's best film, but it most definitely is his most magical. The setting of a busy train station is a fantastic one, the acting is pretty great, and the 3D is some of the best I've seen. The 3D here gives the film the look of a painting come to life, the depth sampled here is completely ridiculous, some settings seem to stretch on forever (like the archive that Hugo and Isabelle explore). The film is a technical marvel. The story here involves an orphan by the name of Hugo Cabret (Asa butterfield),Georges Melies (Ben Kingsley)who is an aging merchant with a secret; and Melies' grand daughter Isabelle (Chloe Grace Moretz). The film is about the history film, the joy of watching movies and reading books, and the thrill of a good mystery. As I've already said Hugo is a film that makes you believe in magic again, it also helps that Sacha Baron Cohen is cast to perfection as the bumbling and sad Station Inspector.
Midnight in Paris- Yet another great film from Woody Allen, this time he puts his love for one of the most beautiful cities on Earth, Paris, up on the big screen for all to see. The story here is of Gil (played perfectly by Owen Wilson), who is on a vacation to Paris with his annoying fiance Inez (played by Rachel Mc"booty"adams). Gil longs for the Paris of the roaring 20's and after a semi-drunk waltz through the street he gets his whisk as an old fashioned car whisks him away to his dream destination. The story is simple but sweet, Owen Wilson gives what will probably go down as his best performance, and Rachel Mcadam's booty does a fine performance as well. The real star here, make no mistake about it, is Paris herself. The film could act as a 90 minutes long ad for the city of love. The cinematography is breathtaking, I can't wait to buy this baby on blu-ray. The film's theme about Nostalgia isn't as strong as it could be, but Midnight in Paris is still a strong, beautiful film.
Moneyball- I haven't seen this one yet.
The Tree of Life- Many people claim this film to be unwatchable, and I agree. It's a miracle I was able to make it through this film, although I was constantly squirming in my seat. They say that Tree of Life was a personal project for Malick, I think maybe a bit too personal. When a director gets too attached to a certain project everything becomes blurry and the opinions of others are ignored, which is what I'm sure happened here. The first 30 minutes and last 20 are a symphony of seemingly unrelated images, the part in-between follows the life of one American family in the 50's , focusing mainly on a mother (Jessica Chastain), a father (Brad Pitt), and one of their sons (when young played by Hunter McCacken, when an adult played by Sean Penn although he barely appears in this film) who goes through a worldly crisis as he tries to make sense of this world, who he is, and how he fits into it all. As I said before, the film can be hair-rippingly impossible to make much sense of, and it's bound to turn many off due to it's overt religious themes. That said, while I'm not a fan of the film I do think it's neat.
War Horse- War Horse is the story of a boy and his horse, torn away from each other by the hardships of war. War Horse is a film that was made to explicitly tug at your heartstrings, and it does this with an alarming precision and skill. If you don't like films that try their hardest to make you shed a tear, then War Horse is not the film for you. I like films that are sentimental, and while I didn't cry (I don't cry easily) I definitely got choked up at the last scene. War Horse is by no means a perfect film, and while it does lose it's way in the first half it successfully finds a firm footing during the second and manages to deliver the goods we all were expecting. It's just fantastic to see both Spielberg and Williams back together again, weaving their own special brand of magic that only they can weave.
SO there you have it, my complete Oscar list. It took me at least a week to write this list, so i hoped you enjoyed it. Till then this is your ghost host with the most most saying I'll see you all on Oscar Sunday!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
SMALLS ENDURED WHAT MAY BE THE MOST UNPLEASANT AND PAINFUL MOVIE-GOING EXPERIENCE OF HIS LIFE: STAR WARS: EPISODE ONE THE PHANTOM MENACE 3-D
I come before you humble readers today, on my hands and knees, begging forgiveness. I know I have bad-mouthed The Phantom Menace 3D quite recently, and I had every right to do so, but the fact of the matter is the last time I had seen the damned film was when I was nine. So, for whatever reason, I decided to make the trek to my local cinema yesterday to witness the highly hyped Phantom Menace 3D conversion. My humble readers, I made a grave mistake.
I suppose I was hoping that maybe time had been nice to the film, maybe it's one of the rare films where it's sucky when it first comes out but it gets better with age. After the first twenty minutes or so I realized to my horror that I had misjudged how bad one film could be.
So, what exactly is The Phantom Menace about??? Boring stuff, that's what, and what could more boring than....you guessed it, politics/government. Yup, There's a Star Wars film that is SOLELY about Government...this one. The whole film centers around a trade blockade around the planet Naboo. Jedi Knight Qui- Gon Jiin and his apprentice Obi Wan Kenobi are dispatched in an attempt to come to an agreement with The Trade Federation, the ones who set up the blockade. Of course, the blockade is not quite what it appears to be, as it is revealed that a member of The Galactic Senate set it up so he could commence his rise to power. Naturally, nobody else ever figures this out except for us, the audience. Either way the two Jedi's end up escaping an assassination attempt, rescuing the Naboo queen, and somehow find themselves stranded on Tattoine where they pick up young Vader-to-be Anakin Skywalker...Oh, and the infernally annoying Jar Jar Binks tags along for the ride (If you don't know who Jar Jar is...consider yourself lucky)
Jar Jar Binks and the tragic miscasting of Jake Lloyd as Anakin aside, what makes Episode One so bad, so unbearable??? Well, to put it as simply as possible: NOTHING. FUCKING. HAPPENS. Seriously, NOTHING HAPPENS, NOTHING!!!! Phantom Menace has got to be one of the most BORING films I've ever had to see. I'm seriously thinking about buying this film, just so I can put it on if I ever find myself stricken with a bad case of insomnia. The only important events that occur are minimal: Anakin leaves his mom (and the only reason that's important is that ends up becoming the catalyst for Anakin's turn to the dark side, that's right folks. Anakin's motivation to become one of the most evil, feared, and loved villains in movie history is because he's got mommy issues but that's a tale for episode two) and the blockade exists (and that's important because it helps Palpatine to become the feared Emperor, even though that arc won't be fully completed until a whopping two movies later). So, what events of importance happen in Episode one, barely any. But hey, at least there will be the exciting action scenes we've all come to know and love from Star Wars.
Whoops, there's only two. FUCKING TWO ACTION SCENES IN THE DAMNED FILM!!!! The rest of the film are characters talking about trivial bullshit and discussing politics and how Anakin should be trained as a Jedi/should not be trained as a Jedi. Remember how the original Star Wars Trilogy was exciting, had memorable characters, and kept us on the edge of the seats....yeah, don't expect that from Phantom Menace. So if hearing characters talk about uninteresting topics is what you call excitement, then Phantom Menace is chalk full of "excitement".
For most of the film, I was more so mildly annoyed and bored than I was outright angry...but for me the turning point in which I embraced my rage was during the final action scene. Why???? 1. Jar Jar WOULD NOT DIE. Allow me to explain, apparently the Gungan leader (that's the alien species Jar Jar belongs to) had some sort of severe brain hemorrhage and decides to promote Jar Jar, who had recently been banned from the Gungan underwater city due to his clumsiness in an effort to apparently stop him from eventually killing them all off, to the rank of general. FUCKING GENERAL. DUDE, for the whole film this retard-ate has done NOTHING but bumble around and you've decided to make him A FUCKING GENERAL???!!!!! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH???!!!!! So, a battle erupts between the droid army sent by The Trade Federation,and The Gungans and The Naboo, and Jar Jar finds himself trapped in the middle of it....yet, he makes it out in one piece, in fact his idiotic bumbling helps to save the day!!! Talk about a lapse in logic. Bumbling idiot+huge epic battle= INSTANT DEATH.....that's what should have happened, but NO....apparently because Jar Jar has the power of George Lucas on his side he makes it out alive, helps to save the day, and is declared a hero.
The second thing that really got my blood boiling is that Anakin, a young ten year old boy, single-handedly wins the above mentioned battle by ACCIDENTALLY blowing up the Trade Federation ship's core. Once again let me repeat that, A ten year old boy accidentally blows up the bad guy's ship core and saves the day. Ten year old kid, by accident, blows up ship, wins battle.....DOES. NOT . COMPUTE!!!!! Now I'm not saying that a ten year old purposefully blowing up a ships core would make any more sense to me....what I'm saying is that the ten year old should not have been included in the battle. There are dozens of hardened battle vets that are fighting against that ship, and they are epicly failing, suddenly a ten year old comes in and does the thing that hardened fighters could not BY FUCKING ACCIDENT??!! NO, FUCK YOU GEORGE LUCAS....NO!!!!
In an effort to appease the fans Lucas threw popular characters into Phantom menace in almost non-existent roles. C-3P0 shows up for maybe a total of three minutes, Jabba The Hut stops in to say hi and disappears just as quickly, and R2-D2 pops his head in every now and then just to say BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP. It feels like Lucas was cheaply trying to please long time fans by throwing in familiar faces. this would be ok, if he actually gave them worthwhile roles, but he doesn't. So the result is more disappointing than anything else.
Oh, and one last thing: Midi-chlorians. What does that word mean???? It means bullshit and a ton of rage and hurt for longtime Star Wars fans. It's a middle finger to fans and is George Lucas's ultimate bastardization of a crucial element to The Star Wars Saga: The Force. According to Phantom Menace Midi-chlorians are microscopic organisms that reside within everything and either are The Force or help us to detect the presence of The Force or some bullshit like that. Either way, it doesn't make sense and only serves to tarnish The Force itself. Oh, and apparently Anakin was created purely by midi-chlorians since they seem to have an unusually high presence in the boy's blood...oh, and Anakin wasn't produced by a dad (hence why the two Jedi assume The Force/midi-chlorians produced the boy). That's right folks, Lucas is trying to turn Darth Vader into Jesus. FACEPALM
So as you can see, I was angered....enraged even. The simple act of watching this film is enough to turn any Jedi Knight over to the dark side. But enough about the nonsensical bullshit that makes up this film, it's time to talk about the 3D.
The 3D, for what it is, is surprisingly impressive and breathtaking most of the time. The scenes in space give space an eerie and beautiful depth that make those scenes more jaw-dropping than ever, The scenes on Coruscant are fantastic, and the two action set pieces (The pod race and final war) are made even more amazing in 3D. That said, for the most part the 3D was uneven and inconsistent. We'd go from scenes with amazing depth to scenes that felt flat, like cardboard almost. We'd go from scenes with crystal quality, to scenes where everything was blurry. While for the most part the 3D works fine (more than fine in fact), there are areas where the 3D doesn't shine like it should or even hurts the film. It's a far from perfect conversion, but it will be sure to hold your attention nonetheless and I've got to say that without the 3D I would have walked out of this film half way through...so that's got to be worth something....right?
Star Wars Episode one The Phantom Menace 3D is the first film ever where I caught myself actually trying to take a nap in the film....that's how bored I was, where a good snooze was preferable to watching the film. For a film that bears the Star Wars name....that's really sad....in fact, unacceptable. So, overall I'd give Episode one itself half a star out of five (a big ole FUCK YOU. I figure since Lucas gave me the finger, it's only fair I give him the finger in return), the 3D I'd give three stars out of five...it was good for what it was, but it did need some tweaking here and there....at least it's obvious that Lucas and team didn't half-ass it here and actually put forth a good deal of effort. So, what would I rate the overall experience???? One star, one measly little star.
So, while I can't recommend this film to anyone, I can say that if by some strange reason you find yourself attending a screening of this film, feel comforted by the fact that you will be getting your extra money's worth as far as the 3D goes....I just wish I could say more for the film itself.
1/5 Stars SOME OLE BULLSHIT
Oh, and my theater was packed to the brim with people, most of whom cheered and applauded when the end credits rolled. Morons.
I suppose I was hoping that maybe time had been nice to the film, maybe it's one of the rare films where it's sucky when it first comes out but it gets better with age. After the first twenty minutes or so I realized to my horror that I had misjudged how bad one film could be.
So, what exactly is The Phantom Menace about??? Boring stuff, that's what, and what could more boring than....you guessed it, politics/government. Yup, There's a Star Wars film that is SOLELY about Government...this one. The whole film centers around a trade blockade around the planet Naboo. Jedi Knight Qui- Gon Jiin and his apprentice Obi Wan Kenobi are dispatched in an attempt to come to an agreement with The Trade Federation, the ones who set up the blockade. Of course, the blockade is not quite what it appears to be, as it is revealed that a member of The Galactic Senate set it up so he could commence his rise to power. Naturally, nobody else ever figures this out except for us, the audience. Either way the two Jedi's end up escaping an assassination attempt, rescuing the Naboo queen, and somehow find themselves stranded on Tattoine where they pick up young Vader-to-be Anakin Skywalker...Oh, and the infernally annoying Jar Jar Binks tags along for the ride (If you don't know who Jar Jar is...consider yourself lucky)
Jar Jar Binks and the tragic miscasting of Jake Lloyd as Anakin aside, what makes Episode One so bad, so unbearable??? Well, to put it as simply as possible: NOTHING. FUCKING. HAPPENS. Seriously, NOTHING HAPPENS, NOTHING!!!! Phantom Menace has got to be one of the most BORING films I've ever had to see. I'm seriously thinking about buying this film, just so I can put it on if I ever find myself stricken with a bad case of insomnia. The only important events that occur are minimal: Anakin leaves his mom (and the only reason that's important is that ends up becoming the catalyst for Anakin's turn to the dark side, that's right folks. Anakin's motivation to become one of the most evil, feared, and loved villains in movie history is because he's got mommy issues but that's a tale for episode two) and the blockade exists (and that's important because it helps Palpatine to become the feared Emperor, even though that arc won't be fully completed until a whopping two movies later). So, what events of importance happen in Episode one, barely any. But hey, at least there will be the exciting action scenes we've all come to know and love from Star Wars.
Whoops, there's only two. FUCKING TWO ACTION SCENES IN THE DAMNED FILM!!!! The rest of the film are characters talking about trivial bullshit and discussing politics and how Anakin should be trained as a Jedi/should not be trained as a Jedi. Remember how the original Star Wars Trilogy was exciting, had memorable characters, and kept us on the edge of the seats....yeah, don't expect that from Phantom Menace. So if hearing characters talk about uninteresting topics is what you call excitement, then Phantom Menace is chalk full of "excitement".
For most of the film, I was more so mildly annoyed and bored than I was outright angry...but for me the turning point in which I embraced my rage was during the final action scene. Why???? 1. Jar Jar WOULD NOT DIE. Allow me to explain, apparently the Gungan leader (that's the alien species Jar Jar belongs to) had some sort of severe brain hemorrhage and decides to promote Jar Jar, who had recently been banned from the Gungan underwater city due to his clumsiness in an effort to apparently stop him from eventually killing them all off, to the rank of general. FUCKING GENERAL. DUDE, for the whole film this retard-ate has done NOTHING but bumble around and you've decided to make him A FUCKING GENERAL???!!!!! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH???!!!!! So, a battle erupts between the droid army sent by The Trade Federation,and The Gungans and The Naboo, and Jar Jar finds himself trapped in the middle of it....yet, he makes it out in one piece, in fact his idiotic bumbling helps to save the day!!! Talk about a lapse in logic. Bumbling idiot+huge epic battle= INSTANT DEATH.....that's what should have happened, but NO....apparently because Jar Jar has the power of George Lucas on his side he makes it out alive, helps to save the day, and is declared a hero.
The second thing that really got my blood boiling is that Anakin, a young ten year old boy, single-handedly wins the above mentioned battle by ACCIDENTALLY blowing up the Trade Federation ship's core. Once again let me repeat that, A ten year old boy accidentally blows up the bad guy's ship core and saves the day. Ten year old kid, by accident, blows up ship, wins battle.....DOES. NOT . COMPUTE!!!!! Now I'm not saying that a ten year old purposefully blowing up a ships core would make any more sense to me....what I'm saying is that the ten year old should not have been included in the battle. There are dozens of hardened battle vets that are fighting against that ship, and they are epicly failing, suddenly a ten year old comes in and does the thing that hardened fighters could not BY FUCKING ACCIDENT??!! NO, FUCK YOU GEORGE LUCAS....NO!!!!
In an effort to appease the fans Lucas threw popular characters into Phantom menace in almost non-existent roles. C-3P0 shows up for maybe a total of three minutes, Jabba The Hut stops in to say hi and disappears just as quickly, and R2-D2 pops his head in every now and then just to say BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP. It feels like Lucas was cheaply trying to please long time fans by throwing in familiar faces. this would be ok, if he actually gave them worthwhile roles, but he doesn't. So the result is more disappointing than anything else.
Oh, and one last thing: Midi-chlorians. What does that word mean???? It means bullshit and a ton of rage and hurt for longtime Star Wars fans. It's a middle finger to fans and is George Lucas's ultimate bastardization of a crucial element to The Star Wars Saga: The Force. According to Phantom Menace Midi-chlorians are microscopic organisms that reside within everything and either are The Force or help us to detect the presence of The Force or some bullshit like that. Either way, it doesn't make sense and only serves to tarnish The Force itself. Oh, and apparently Anakin was created purely by midi-chlorians since they seem to have an unusually high presence in the boy's blood...oh, and Anakin wasn't produced by a dad (hence why the two Jedi assume The Force/midi-chlorians produced the boy). That's right folks, Lucas is trying to turn Darth Vader into Jesus. FACEPALM
So as you can see, I was angered....enraged even. The simple act of watching this film is enough to turn any Jedi Knight over to the dark side. But enough about the nonsensical bullshit that makes up this film, it's time to talk about the 3D.
The 3D, for what it is, is surprisingly impressive and breathtaking most of the time. The scenes in space give space an eerie and beautiful depth that make those scenes more jaw-dropping than ever, The scenes on Coruscant are fantastic, and the two action set pieces (The pod race and final war) are made even more amazing in 3D. That said, for the most part the 3D was uneven and inconsistent. We'd go from scenes with amazing depth to scenes that felt flat, like cardboard almost. We'd go from scenes with crystal quality, to scenes where everything was blurry. While for the most part the 3D works fine (more than fine in fact), there are areas where the 3D doesn't shine like it should or even hurts the film. It's a far from perfect conversion, but it will be sure to hold your attention nonetheless and I've got to say that without the 3D I would have walked out of this film half way through...so that's got to be worth something....right?
Star Wars Episode one The Phantom Menace 3D is the first film ever where I caught myself actually trying to take a nap in the film....that's how bored I was, where a good snooze was preferable to watching the film. For a film that bears the Star Wars name....that's really sad....in fact, unacceptable. So, overall I'd give Episode one itself half a star out of five (a big ole FUCK YOU. I figure since Lucas gave me the finger, it's only fair I give him the finger in return), the 3D I'd give three stars out of five...it was good for what it was, but it did need some tweaking here and there....at least it's obvious that Lucas and team didn't half-ass it here and actually put forth a good deal of effort. So, what would I rate the overall experience???? One star, one measly little star.
So, while I can't recommend this film to anyone, I can say that if by some strange reason you find yourself attending a screening of this film, feel comforted by the fact that you will be getting your extra money's worth as far as the 3D goes....I just wish I could say more for the film itself.
1/5 Stars SOME OLE BULLSHIT
Oh, and my theater was packed to the brim with people, most of whom cheered and applauded when the end credits rolled. Morons.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
SMALLS SAYS SKIP PHANTOM MENACE 3D AND SEE CHRONICLE INSTEAD
Chronicle chronicles the lives of three ordinary turned extraordinary teens who, after making a fantastic discovery, realize they have been given the gift of telekinesis. The teens decide to use the new gift for entertainment purposes,and it's all fun and games until one of them decides to use the gift to unleash years of pent up rage.
The teen who turns bad is Andrew (Dane DeHaan), the main focal point of our story. He has been picked on for years by his peers and by his own father as well, who seems to take joy in beating Andrew senseless. Andrew is one of the ultimate social outcasts, and I assume many audience members would be able to relate to his character and his actions throughout the film. He is essentially what Darth Vader/Anakin should have been in the Star Wars prequels. When he finally loses control, it's a completely liberating and yet terrifying thing to watch. The other teens in the story are Steve (Michael B. Jordan), the popular kid in school who is running for class president, and Matt (Alex Russel), Andrew's cousin who acts as the main "hero" of the film.
One of the strongest things about the film is the friendship dynamic found within it. It is completely believable that these three characters are best friends, and it's fun to watch their bond strengthen before it ultimately falls apart at the end.
I really do love this film, but if I had to choose one element that I consider to be the weakest, it would have to be the found footage angle. It doesn't feel as if characters are recording this with cameras, and this aspect of the film is never used to its full potential until the final, exhilarating fight that serves as the climax for the film. During this fight, multiple cameras are used to capture the action including news footage, Iphones/cameras, police dashboard cams, etc. It's very fast-paced and is sure to leave your head spinning in a good a way. This scene marks one of the most original uses of the found footage gimmick I've seen, it's too bad the rest of the film only shows glimmers of the greatness to come. Also, some of the effects could have been better, but that never really detracted from my experience here.
Chronicle runs at a swift hr and 24 mins, it does its job and then leaves, never outstaying it's welcome. Many may claim it's short running time to be a detractor, but I say it's a plus. It's also fun to be able to watch these characters play with their powers, Flying through clouds, playing pranks on unsuspecting people in a toy store and finally putting on one heck of a talent show that not only wows the on-screen audience, it wows us too!!! It's nice that the film allows us to have fun with the characters before it all goes to hell (in a good way!!!).
The film does raise some interesting questions for the viewer. If given these powers, what would you do with them? Honestly, I'm not so sure I'd use them for good.
Chronicle is a very different kind of film, and it's actually pretty hard to describe what it is. To say it's a super-hero film would be lying because these teens aren't super-heroes nor do they act like super-heroes. I guess the best way to describe Chronicle is that it's a new kind of found footage film that puts a new twist on a story we have seen before. While it does take a while to get to the good stuff, once it does it's just about impossible to turn away. I'd say Chronicle feels like everything the Star Wars Prequels should have been. With Phantom Menace 3D being released tomorrow, my advice is see Chronicle instead. Not only is it the better film, but since it's not in 3D it costs less, so you'll be saving some hard earned dough.
4.5 / 5 Stars
The teen who turns bad is Andrew (Dane DeHaan), the main focal point of our story. He has been picked on for years by his peers and by his own father as well, who seems to take joy in beating Andrew senseless. Andrew is one of the ultimate social outcasts, and I assume many audience members would be able to relate to his character and his actions throughout the film. He is essentially what Darth Vader/Anakin should have been in the Star Wars prequels. When he finally loses control, it's a completely liberating and yet terrifying thing to watch. The other teens in the story are Steve (Michael B. Jordan), the popular kid in school who is running for class president, and Matt (Alex Russel), Andrew's cousin who acts as the main "hero" of the film.
One of the strongest things about the film is the friendship dynamic found within it. It is completely believable that these three characters are best friends, and it's fun to watch their bond strengthen before it ultimately falls apart at the end.
I really do love this film, but if I had to choose one element that I consider to be the weakest, it would have to be the found footage angle. It doesn't feel as if characters are recording this with cameras, and this aspect of the film is never used to its full potential until the final, exhilarating fight that serves as the climax for the film. During this fight, multiple cameras are used to capture the action including news footage, Iphones/cameras, police dashboard cams, etc. It's very fast-paced and is sure to leave your head spinning in a good a way. This scene marks one of the most original uses of the found footage gimmick I've seen, it's too bad the rest of the film only shows glimmers of the greatness to come. Also, some of the effects could have been better, but that never really detracted from my experience here.
Chronicle runs at a swift hr and 24 mins, it does its job and then leaves, never outstaying it's welcome. Many may claim it's short running time to be a detractor, but I say it's a plus. It's also fun to be able to watch these characters play with their powers, Flying through clouds, playing pranks on unsuspecting people in a toy store and finally putting on one heck of a talent show that not only wows the on-screen audience, it wows us too!!! It's nice that the film allows us to have fun with the characters before it all goes to hell (in a good way!!!).
The film does raise some interesting questions for the viewer. If given these powers, what would you do with them? Honestly, I'm not so sure I'd use them for good.
Chronicle is a very different kind of film, and it's actually pretty hard to describe what it is. To say it's a super-hero film would be lying because these teens aren't super-heroes nor do they act like super-heroes. I guess the best way to describe Chronicle is that it's a new kind of found footage film that puts a new twist on a story we have seen before. While it does take a while to get to the good stuff, once it does it's just about impossible to turn away. I'd say Chronicle feels like everything the Star Wars Prequels should have been. With Phantom Menace 3D being released tomorrow, my advice is see Chronicle instead. Not only is it the better film, but since it's not in 3D it costs less, so you'll be saving some hard earned dough.
4.5 / 5 Stars
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