I come before you humble readers today, on my hands and knees, begging forgiveness. I know I have bad-mouthed The Phantom Menace 3D quite recently, and I had every right to do so, but the fact of the matter is the last time I had seen the damned film was when I was nine. So, for whatever reason, I decided to make the trek to my local cinema yesterday to witness the highly hyped Phantom Menace 3D conversion. My humble readers, I made a grave mistake.
I suppose I was hoping that maybe time had been nice to the film, maybe it's one of the rare films where it's sucky when it first comes out but it gets better with age. After the first twenty minutes or so I realized to my horror that I had misjudged how bad one film could be.
So, what exactly is The Phantom Menace about??? Boring stuff, that's what, and what could more boring than....you guessed it, politics/government. Yup, There's a Star Wars film that is SOLELY about Government...this one. The whole film centers around a trade blockade around the planet Naboo. Jedi Knight Qui- Gon Jiin and his apprentice Obi Wan Kenobi are dispatched in an attempt to come to an agreement with The Trade Federation, the ones who set up the blockade. Of course, the blockade is not quite what it appears to be, as it is revealed that a member of The Galactic Senate set it up so he could commence his rise to power. Naturally, nobody else ever figures this out except for us, the audience. Either way the two Jedi's end up escaping an assassination attempt, rescuing the Naboo queen, and somehow find themselves stranded on Tattoine where they pick up young Vader-to-be Anakin Skywalker...Oh, and the infernally annoying Jar Jar Binks tags along for the ride (If you don't know who Jar Jar is...consider yourself lucky)
Jar Jar Binks and the tragic miscasting of Jake Lloyd as Anakin aside, what makes Episode One so bad, so unbearable??? Well, to put it as simply as possible: NOTHING. FUCKING. HAPPENS. Seriously, NOTHING HAPPENS, NOTHING!!!! Phantom Menace has got to be one of the most BORING films I've ever had to see. I'm seriously thinking about buying this film, just so I can put it on if I ever find myself stricken with a bad case of insomnia. The only important events that occur are minimal: Anakin leaves his mom (and the only reason that's important is that ends up becoming the catalyst for Anakin's turn to the dark side, that's right folks. Anakin's motivation to become one of the most evil, feared, and loved villains in movie history is because he's got mommy issues but that's a tale for episode two) and the blockade exists (and that's important because it helps Palpatine to become the feared Emperor, even though that arc won't be fully completed until a whopping two movies later). So, what events of importance happen in Episode one, barely any. But hey, at least there will be the exciting action scenes we've all come to know and love from Star Wars.
Whoops, there's only two. FUCKING TWO ACTION SCENES IN THE DAMNED FILM!!!! The rest of the film are characters talking about trivial bullshit and discussing politics and how Anakin should be trained as a Jedi/should not be trained as a Jedi. Remember how the original Star Wars Trilogy was exciting, had memorable characters, and kept us on the edge of the seats....yeah, don't expect that from Phantom Menace. So if hearing characters talk about uninteresting topics is what you call excitement, then Phantom Menace is chalk full of "excitement".
For most of the film, I was more so mildly annoyed and bored than I was outright angry...but for me the turning point in which I embraced my rage was during the final action scene. Why???? 1. Jar Jar WOULD NOT DIE. Allow me to explain, apparently the Gungan leader (that's the alien species Jar Jar belongs to) had some sort of severe brain hemorrhage and decides to promote Jar Jar, who had recently been banned from the Gungan underwater city due to his clumsiness in an effort to apparently stop him from eventually killing them all off, to the rank of general. FUCKING GENERAL. DUDE, for the whole film this retard-ate has done NOTHING but bumble around and you've decided to make him A FUCKING GENERAL???!!!!! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH???!!!!! So, a battle erupts between the droid army sent by The Trade Federation,and The Gungans and The Naboo, and Jar Jar finds himself trapped in the middle of it....yet, he makes it out in one piece, in fact his idiotic bumbling helps to save the day!!! Talk about a lapse in logic. Bumbling idiot+huge epic battle= INSTANT DEATH.....that's what should have happened, but NO....apparently because Jar Jar has the power of George Lucas on his side he makes it out alive, helps to save the day, and is declared a hero.
The second thing that really got my blood boiling is that Anakin, a young ten year old boy, single-handedly wins the above mentioned battle by ACCIDENTALLY blowing up the Trade Federation ship's core. Once again let me repeat that, A ten year old boy accidentally blows up the bad guy's ship core and saves the day. Ten year old kid, by accident, blows up ship, wins battle.....DOES. NOT . COMPUTE!!!!! Now I'm not saying that a ten year old purposefully blowing up a ships core would make any more sense to me....what I'm saying is that the ten year old should not have been included in the battle. There are dozens of hardened battle vets that are fighting against that ship, and they are epicly failing, suddenly a ten year old comes in and does the thing that hardened fighters could not BY FUCKING ACCIDENT??!! NO, FUCK YOU GEORGE LUCAS....NO!!!!
In an effort to appease the fans Lucas threw popular characters into Phantom menace in almost non-existent roles. C-3P0 shows up for maybe a total of three minutes, Jabba The Hut stops in to say hi and disappears just as quickly, and R2-D2 pops his head in every now and then just to say BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP. It feels like Lucas was cheaply trying to please long time fans by throwing in familiar faces. this would be ok, if he actually gave them worthwhile roles, but he doesn't. So the result is more disappointing than anything else.
Oh, and one last thing: Midi-chlorians. What does that word mean???? It means bullshit and a ton of rage and hurt for longtime Star Wars fans. It's a middle finger to fans and is George Lucas's ultimate bastardization of a crucial element to The Star Wars Saga: The Force. According to Phantom Menace Midi-chlorians are microscopic organisms that reside within everything and either are The Force or help us to detect the presence of The Force or some bullshit like that. Either way, it doesn't make sense and only serves to tarnish The Force itself. Oh, and apparently Anakin was created purely by midi-chlorians since they seem to have an unusually high presence in the boy's blood...oh, and Anakin wasn't produced by a dad (hence why the two Jedi assume The Force/midi-chlorians produced the boy). That's right folks, Lucas is trying to turn Darth Vader into Jesus. FACEPALM
So as you can see, I was angered....enraged even. The simple act of watching this film is enough to turn any Jedi Knight over to the dark side. But enough about the nonsensical bullshit that makes up this film, it's time to talk about the 3D.
The 3D, for what it is, is surprisingly impressive and breathtaking most of the time. The scenes in space give space an eerie and beautiful depth that make those scenes more jaw-dropping than ever, The scenes on Coruscant are fantastic, and the two action set pieces (The pod race and final war) are made even more amazing in 3D. That said, for the most part the 3D was uneven and inconsistent. We'd go from scenes with amazing depth to scenes that felt flat, like cardboard almost. We'd go from scenes with crystal quality, to scenes where everything was blurry. While for the most part the 3D works fine (more than fine in fact), there are areas where the 3D doesn't shine like it should or even hurts the film. It's a far from perfect conversion, but it will be sure to hold your attention nonetheless and I've got to say that without the 3D I would have walked out of this film half way through...so that's got to be worth something....right?
Star Wars Episode one The Phantom Menace 3D is the first film ever where I caught myself actually trying to take a nap in the film....that's how bored I was, where a good snooze was preferable to watching the film. For a film that bears the Star Wars name....that's really sad....in fact, unacceptable. So, overall I'd give Episode one itself half a star out of five (a big ole FUCK YOU. I figure since Lucas gave me the finger, it's only fair I give him the finger in return), the 3D I'd give three stars out of five...it was good for what it was, but it did need some tweaking here and there....at least it's obvious that Lucas and team didn't half-ass it here and actually put forth a good deal of effort. So, what would I rate the overall experience???? One star, one measly little star.
So, while I can't recommend this film to anyone, I can say that if by some strange reason you find yourself attending a screening of this film, feel comforted by the fact that you will be getting your extra money's worth as far as the 3D goes....I just wish I could say more for the film itself.
1/5 Stars SOME OLE BULLSHIT
Oh, and my theater was packed to the brim with people, most of whom cheered and applauded when the end credits rolled. Morons.
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