Normally, you would see my list for Best Films of 2012 go up around this time, but I haven't seen Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty, and Silver Linings Playbook yet and I don't want to put up an incomplete list so instead, today, for the first time ever, I present my Worst Films of 2012 list.
#10: Battleship- Contrary to popular belief it's really not a completely terrible film. it's got bad parts, good parts, and even a few awesome parts. That said it is indeed very silly and stupid, it steals elements from just about every facet of pop culture (Halo, Metroid, Transformers, etc.), and most of the acting is pretty bad (except for the old Navy guys, The black dude with no legs, Liam Neeson, Alexander Skaarsgard, and Rhianna.) It's really NOT an original, unique film. The film plays like a wild night of drinking: It's fun while you're watching, but after it's over you won't remember much and ur head will hurt.
#9: Piranha 3DD- Piranha 3DD ups the tits , but dilutes just about everything else that made the first film so great(Many more tits here...some nice, some not so nice. Unfortunately the film doesn't have fun with the nudity and doesnt even bother to linger on any of the body parts audiences are paying good money to see). It's very messy, poorly paced, lacks the fun atmosphere the first film created, and is badly acted by the leads. The only thing that saves the films are its talented cast of supporting roles/cameos. It's not particularly fun, chaotic, or bloody....but it does have its LOL moments. Don't expect much from this dud, except maybe a few laughs here and there. Piranha 3DD is, unfortunately, dead on arrival.
#8: Casa de Mi Padre- It's terrible, completely terrible....but that's kind of the point of the whole film. Will Ferrell is in it (that's all I can say about his performance here since he's considerably weaker than in other films), and Genesis Redriguez is super hot (easily the best part of the film, unfortunately her bare ass shots are that of a body double ). All in all, I'd say that the film just isn't all that funny or cool (I still get a headache thinking about it today).
#7: The Devil Inside- The film for the most part is really stupid, but it does start to get really interesting near the very end....and then it cuts to black. There is a definite ending to the film...it's just extremely fast and there is no resolution whatsoever and this leaves the viewer feeling vastly unsatisfied. The 2nd half of the film after the exorcism deals with some material that, if the filmmakers so wished, could really have made for a wholly interesting and different kind of film...instead they barely explore the situation they have set up. In the hands of someone else and with a slightly revised script this film could have been great. The parts before and during the exorcism are stupid and dull, the parts after the exorcism are pretty interesting, the end is a disappointment.
#6: ATM- It's bad....really bad. You don't care about the characters, and there are many parts that just don't make sense (see: the ending). Josh Peck and Alice Eve really are pretty talented but this fucking film gives them NOTHING to work with, not to mention it mistreats their characters in an unforgiveable way (Eve has ZERO character in the film, and Peck is portrayed as a snobbish well-to do and selfish ass hole, not to mention he gets what is essentially the worst treatment out of any character in the film). The film is really bad, really dull, and really boring. The characters have no character, and there are no scares.....really stupid, shitty film. Actually made me a lil bit angry.
#5: Paranormal Activity 4- It always makes me happy to get to bash on this terrible film.Paranormal Activity is a downright lazy, half-assed, and uninspired attempt. It's clear that the directors and writers had run the well of ideas and inspiration dry, and this is what we got. If you are walking in expecting a good story, good characters, a tense atmosphere, and some good scares then expect to be disappointed. Paranormal Activity 4 fails to advance the franchise, instead spinning it's wheels in the mud, managing to actually take the franchise as a whole several steps back (it even attempts to rip off the Shining). The story is uninspired and bland, the characters and scares are nonexistant. While there are a few glimmers of promise in this otherwise bland, blase film they are never taken full advantage of. It's clear that the writers and directors had no passion for this film and just didn't care about what they were making. Paranormal Activity 4 isn;t just the worst film in the franchise thus far, it's also the worst found footage film I've seen thus far (even the direct to dvd Grave Encounters was better than this shit).
#4: Rock of Ages- I wish this film would stop rollin, rock n rollin. You would not believe how many people I talk to that thought this was a great film...how anyone could sit through this and walk out singing it's praises dumbfounds me. As a love letter to rock n' roll and as a rousing musical Rock of Ages fails on both counts. The story is limper than a wet noodle, the two main leads lack charisma, Alec Baldwin seems like he would rather be anywhere else, and the first 20 minutes is mind-achingly bad. The best part of this film is Russel Brand, who is the only one who appears to be enjoying himself here (besides Hey Man the Baboon) and is easily the beating heart of this film. While some of the musical numbers are fun (Most fall flat on their face), the film itself is quite tedious and is false in its proposed love of Rock n Roll. I really disliked this film, heavily disliked it. This film should have been a joyous ode to 80's rock n' roll, but instead it more so resembles a half-hearted desperate cash-grab fueled by misplaced nostalgia and ulterior motives. A terrible film, plain and simple.
#3: House at the End of the Street: My god this film was bad!!! The first hour is your typical teen soap opera, and the last 41 minutes is your typical beat for beat (by some act of God all the lead players wind up at the main house for the big finale), paint by the numbers, bloodless (literally, people get stabbed numerous times but we never see any blood) horror film. There are a few twists near the end, but they are fairly easy to predict early on. As if this weren't enough, there is a painful, ear-bleedingly bad phoned in score that plays throughout....words fail to describe how awful that score truly is. Overall, while the teen soap opera parts are pretty dull, at least they aren't downright painful like the horror parts are.
#2: Lovely Molly- If you like this film then you are a terrible, ugly human being. The film tries to be a new kind of horror film, one that has a hidden message about female empowerment (and God knows how much I fucking hate female empowerment films, the only one I've ever enjoyed was Girl With the Dragon Tattoo). However, it doesn't help that the main character of Molly is a complete psycho bitch, and the few times where the other characters can do something to prevent her insanity they falter and hesitate. This film is fucking terrible, I hated every character in it and I hated where it decides it go. It's a film that thinks it's edgy to have it's main character kill a young child. I hated this movie and everything it stands for. Fuck this film, fuck the filmmakers and fuck the actors that signed on to partake in this disgusting, dark, despicable and downright ugly drama. If this film teaches us anything at all, it's that some women are not to be trusted, no matter how hot they may be (and yes, Gretchen Lodge is indeed quite hot as the film has no problem showing with some full frontal nudity). This is one film that deserves to be buried far underneath the ground, where no one can see it and where I can pretend it doesn't exist. Lovely Molly is a film that hates men and spends most of it's time wagging it's finger in your face, I HATE films like that....I really do. That said, at least this one had effort put into it, at least it had a script and actors attempting to act....all things which the number one film on this list lack. Yes, while Lovely Molly is easily my least favorite film of 2012, the honor of worst film of 2012 goes to....
#1: Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie- Dear God, I hope this film didn't really cost a billion dollars to make. Surprisingly, there are a few chuckle-worthy parts in this film and the first 20 minutes is fairly entertaining, unfortunately the film is still every bit as terrible as you have heard due to a lack of a script ( I DARE you to find me a copy of a script, the whole thing reeks of bad improv) and a refusal to atempt to act. The two main characters are completely unlikable idiots, and most of the celebrity cameos suck HARD, but that's not what makes this film so bad. The film throws the most raunchy material in your face and thinks it's being funny, but it isn't (like a scene where a character is forced to sit in a tub while small children defecate all over him till he is drowning in shit.... actually, that's a pretty good metaphor for how it feels to sit and watch this film. Another example of the kind of humor found in this film is Tim's "adoption" of a janitor's young son against both the son and the janitor's will....I could give you more examples but I'll show mercy and stop there). It's just being painfully juvenile and immature. Some comedies pull this type of humor off pretty well, but Tim and Eric approach it like a kid who just let a smelly, loud one rip and giggles at it. I'm filing this one under DO NOT WATCH....EVER and SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN MADE and WHY GOD WHY!!!
So, there you have it folks, my Worst Of 2012 list. It is my hope that making this list today has saved you from watching some real stinkers. Be on the lookout for my Best Of list, which will hopefully be up by early february. Till then, Stay Classy!!
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