THE WORST FILMS OF 2014

Well, 2014 has officially come to a close so you know what that means. It's time for my worst films of 2014 list. Coming in at Number 10 we have....

10. The Fault In Our Stars- I had heard a lot of buzz about this film, and finally gave in and gave it a watch after some ravings from a family member about how great it was. I was less than enthused. First off, Gus (Ansel Elgort) came across as more of the perfect teen girl fantasy guy. He's slightly dangerous (because he's dying or WAS dying), seems intelligent (he's really not though), is a virgin (this part had me laughing pretty hard.), and even has abs. I mean, COME ON!!! He wasn't at all believable as a real human being. I wouldn't really even fault Ansel Elgort though as much as I would the film's script, which paints our two star-crossed lovers as typically stupid teens who are inconsiderate and think they are super deep (even though they aren't). The film switches back and forth between being a perfect teen fantasy (like the parts in Amsterdam), and a super dark tragedy (like the final 45 minutes or so). I will say Shailene Woodley was more believable in her role, she definitely seemed more like a real teen, faults and all (for example, she's really inconsiderate to her parents and those who are trying to help her). In the end, the best parts of this film are Laura Dern as Woodley's grieving mother, and Willem Dafoe as a cranky reclusive author (I can't really blame him for the way he acts towards our teen heroes). In the end, this film will hit the bullseye for it's target demographic: young teen girls, anyone who has stars in their eyes, and anyone who is idealistic. However, if you are even a bit cynical then this film is most definitely not for you. What it wants to do it pulls off fairly ok (the sad parts are really painful to watch, almost to an uncomfortable degree, like one scene where a boy who is about to become blind due to cancer learns his girlfriend is breaking up with him). I've seen better YA adaptations (like The Giver or The Hunger Games), and I've seen better Make-You-Cry films (like Old Yeller, Marley and Me, and Dead Poets Society). The Fault In Our Stars is a film that has many faults inside, while the sad parts are a little too effective this film is in reality nothing more than just another typical YA adaptation....filled with schmaltz. It's got a lot of sound, but signifies nothing.

9. Annie- Ok, this film wasn't as god-awful or terrible as I had thought it would be....but that still doesn't make it any good. Yes, the songs are awful (and the film actually makes 3 brand new songs, and changes some of the lyrics to existing songs. Unaccapetable, when they have more than enough material at their disposal. This film had no business making new songs.), and I'm not a fan of how they urbanized the existing songs (it's all hip hoppy now...ugh). Cameron Diaz is also easily the worst actor here as Ms. Hannigan. She is not funny, nor mean enough and her last second change of heart at the end feels unearned and way too fast. Annie is a fairly harmless film, and it even has some good parts to it (I'm looking at you Jaime Foxx), but in the end Annie is quite possibly the perfect example of an unnecessary and unneeded remake. Let's face it folks, Annie holds absolutely no relevance to the world today and no matter how much you try to urbanize the characters and the songs this doesn't change that fact.

8. That Awkward Moment- Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Zac Efron, Imogen Poots, and Mackenzie Davis are all great and work great together (they all have real chemistry). That said, the plot  is as cliched and typical as you can get. It's also not funny, and some characters make painfully, obviously bad decisions. The talent here is ultimately wasted on a film and script that is subpar.

7. Let's Be Cops- Occasionally funny, Let's Be Cops has a promising premise but fails to deliver on the goods. We don't buy our leads as friends, nor are we invested enough in them to actually care when they find themselves in real danger. I had high expectations for this film, it could have been a hilarious and bad-ass films....as is, it's neither of those things (though the action scenes near the end are good).

6. Transcendence- The film definitely had a great deal of potential, but unfortunately they gathered the exact wrong people to work on it. With a more experienced director, a better scriptwriter/more scriptwriters, and more touch-ups on the script this film could have been amazing. The film wants to be an intelligent parable about humanity and technology, but unfortunately it's just dumb.....really really really dumb. The actors have all proven they can act in previous films, but in this movie they flounder and flop  around like fish out of water (none are given much to work with, and there isn't a single good performance in the bunch, although Rebecca Hall makes for nice eye candy). The cinematography is also pretty nice at times (there is one shot of a truck running through a puddle that actually took my breath away). Transcendence could have been a huge, smart, blockbuster thriller....the kind of thing movies have been in need of for a while....as it is it's definitely got a big budget but it's just dumb, slow, and even a bit confusing at points. Don't see it, don't even rent it.

5. TMNT- This film is lame, however it isn't completely terrible. The opening sequence is pretty cool, and the turtles themselves are pretty cool (although their design sucks). It is wonderfully bizarre at times ( a whole gang getting beat by a giant rat and his mutated ninja turtles, how embarrassing that must be), and the backstory of the turtles and Splinter is pretty cool (however I didn't like how April O'NEal is such a big part of it). Shredder is a completely CGI creation when he's in the suit, and so is Splinter and the Turtles plus a good deal of the action (how lame and disappointing). While watching this film, I couldn't help but think that I'd rather be watching any of the four Transformers films. Maybe that's because this movie is modeled after those films, but Transformers does it better. The action is meh, Meghan Fox is ok as O'Neal, although the film kept forcing her to do sexy things like jump on a trampoline and lean out of a car window so the viewer can get a good look at her butt. Fox is trying way too hard to prove she is still hot. I got exactly what I expected from this: a dumb, stupid and mind-numbing film that really did not need to be made (and what's worse it actually beat Guardians of The Galaxy for one whole week....ARGH!).

4. V/H/S Viral- I was really hoping for another great, fun outing since the first two V/H/S films are some of my favorite horror anthologies. Unfortunately, all the passion and creativity seems to have suddenly been drained from this franchise. Not only is this outing shorter with less segments, it's also nowhere near as bizarre, scary, creepy, fun, or creative. It says a lot when the best segment in the whole thing is about some punk skateboarders fighting off a creepy, skeleton cult. I was sorely disappointed, and am beginning to feel that maybe the V/H/S franchise should just end before it gets any worse.

3. Endless Love- Horrendous, bland, cheesy crap. It's just an awful film. I'm not even sure why I chose to watch it. The acting is bad for the most part and the story is typical teen-romance. Why was this film made? I have no idea, but it should not have been. The only good thing about this film is that it's not hard at all to erase the memory of it from your mind.

2. Tusk- The two worst scenes in 2014 are both in this movie. Justin Long, Michael Parks, and Genesis Rodriguez (who is stunningly gorgeous and sexy here) all put on fine performances (for the most part), with Rodriguez being the best out of the three I'd say. . Unfortunately, the script is pretty awful, the sfx are quite hokey (the walrus suit looks downright silly), and Johnny Depp almost hijacks the film every time he's on screen (I mean this in a bad way, the camera keeps running for way too long in almost every scene he's in, and he seems to improvise and get carried away quite a bit). I will say Depp creates a full character here, but his Guy Lapointe is almost too silly (complete with a silly accent and Depp's signature silly hat) to be taken seriously as the "hero" of the film or as a competent investigator. I would be slightly more forgiving, but the ending is just atrocious and a slap in the face to anyone who even dared to get even semi-emotionally invested in the characters. Kevin Smith seems to have made this film purely for his own entertainment and while it is enjoyably bizarre at points, and pretty interesting during it's first act this film is never funny enough or scary/creepy/tense enough for it to be considered a success. Tusk is a bad movie, and one you would be wise to skip (and don't get me started on the sole scene Johnny Depp and Michael Parks share, or on the walrus fight scene between Justin Long and Michael Parks....just awful).

1. Sex Tape- I love Jason Segal, he is easily one of my favorite comedic actors out there right now and BOY did it hurt having to watch him happily become a shameless corporate whore for Apple. First of all, There is no nudity at all in this film (sorry for those who went in hoping to se Cameron Diaz's  boobs, you don't get them here). Why the hell make a film about a sex tape if you don't ever get to see the actors either naked (and the sex tape itself isn't seen by the audience until the very end and it's one of the most un-sexiest things you will ever see....why were these two afraid of this getting out and being seen by others? Maybe they didn't want to be embarrassed?). However, that's not the reason this film made it onto my number one spot. The reason why this film is the worst film of 2014 is because it's barely a film....in reality Sex Tape is a poorly disguised 94 minute ad for the iPad and Apple products (and even YouPorn and many other pornograpic websites in one scene). There are numerous scenes where Jason Segal spouts off lines about how cool, advanced and durable the new iPad is. It's downright insulting and disgusting.  Films like this DO NOT EVER need to be made, by paying money to see shit like this audiences are sending Hollywood a VERY DANGEROUS MESSAGE and are encouraging filmmakers to make more movies like this one. Sex Tape is not sexy, funny, clever, or well-written. As I said before the film disgusted me that it was so easily able to pull the wool over audiences eyes, and often patted itself on the back for thinking it had so easily fooled everyone. I hated having to watch one of my favorite actors sell out in one of the biggest, most obvious and humiliating ways possible, smiling while doing so (Yes, Segal seemed very happy and more than eager to sell out). Sex Tape is the worst kind of film imaginable, and may it burn in the fiery pits of hell where it damn well belongs!

So, there you have it. My Worst films of 2014.  My Best Of list probably won't be ready for a little while as I go back and try to catch up on all the great films I haven't viewed yet. I promise you though: it is coming, and it will be glorious. Till then, thanks for sitting through these stinkers with me (I really hope you didn't watch any of these films), and be sure to stay tuned for more coming soon-ish!