SMALLS' WORST FILMS OF 2015 (UPDATED)

Let's start with some dishonorable mentions

Vacation- It's not good....ok? That said, I don't think it's quite as bad as everyone has been making it out to be. The film comes surprisingly close to being quite good at times, but ultimately falls far short of it's goal.  feels like the film is begging the audience to PLEASE laugh at times. There are also way too many recreations/call backs to scenes from the original (I'm like, why not just remake the original if that's what you wanted to do?). Ed Helms is ok in the film (He has some funny lines and reactions), I still don't completely buy him as Rusty though. Christina Applegate is fine, and has what is quite possibly the funniest moment in the film. Steele Stibbons was alright as the younger brother, he had a few funny moments but was more annoying than anything else. Surprisingly,I found Skylar Gisondo as the older brother to be the best part of the film. I didn't necessarily find him funny, but I did believe him in the role. He was one of the only ones who felt real. The less said about Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo the better. There are some funny moments (Mainly in the first and last acts), and the story itself works well enough. I just hope they don't decide to to make more sequels, let this franchise die in peace.

Scouts Guide to The Zombie Apocalypse- The trailer made this look like it could be the next camp cult classic, plus it was the only Halloween-y film coming out in October. Unfortunately the jokes seemed to be of the variety that only middle schoolers or especially immature high schoolers would find funny. What made this all the more confusing is that the film was rated R. Dumb film, only semi-enjoyable part for myself was a zombie dancing to a Britney Spears song.

Point Break- A dull, uninteresting film. The action is good, but is shot fairly poorly except for a few seconds here or there and our two main actors are about as invested in their roles as cardboard. The way this film tries to re-invent Point Break for the new generation is just lame and uninspired. Bodhi is now doing what he does because he believes in a spiritual cause, saving the Earth and giving back what we take from it (Admittedly, a nice idea the film completely fails to sell) and Utah is an ex-extreme sports enthusiast/athlete who is now loosely employed by the FBI. Ray Winstone is just about the only good thing about this film, and thats not enough for me to recommend it (The movie even tries to re-do the famous shooting the gun into the air scene, but the new take is just terrible. The new take on the ending is also just lame). In the end, Point Break is more interested in being an EXTREME sports film, than a remake of the 1991 "classic" (as can be evidenced by the minimal amount of robbery/heist/theft scenes and the abundance of EXTREME sports scenes). It's a film that uses the Point Break name to make an EXTREME sports highlight reels. The characters aren't interesting, our actors are just bad, and the script is meh at best. A bad film, but not quite worst of the year.

The Lazarus Effect- The first hour or so of this film was actually interesting, however once you get into the part where things start to go wrong, the film nosedives drastically. A film that could have been good if it hat not gotten bogged down in the typical stupidity found in most half-assed horror films today. I'd say watch up until Olivia Wilde goes evil, and then TURN IT OFF. 

With those out of the way, let's move on to THE 10 WORST FILMS OF 2015. Every one of these films is truly terrible, and is deeply deserving of being ripped apart. I shall do my best to do exactly that. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.

10. TERMINATOR GENISYS- The film that finally completely broke my interest in the Terminator franchise. A sad day, indeed. I'm surprised by how disappointed I was with this film. Even going in with appropriately lowered expectations, I was still very much let down. It's not often you can say the best thing about the film was the 3-D, but that's the case here. The action scenes are fairly thrilling and well shot (though near the end, I began to wish it would all just be over with so I could go home). The plot is incredibly stupid (and really not as complex as you would think it would be once you figure out what's going on). The film does leave a good deal of unanswered questions as well. The actors all do ok jobs, but are all pretty unmemorable. There is also zero chemistry between Jai Courtney and Emilia Clarke, though to his credit he does seem like he's trying a little bit here (more than I can say for the other films I've seen him in). Emilia Clarke also doesn't seem all that interested in her role, and there is one big emotional moment with her that she completely fails to sell. By the end of the film, I realized what this film really was: A tangled mess of action set pieces strung together by a stupid plot with a bunch of boring parts in-between (That's right, I was actually BORED in a Terminator film....WTF?!). Can we please stop making Terminator films just to make Terminator films now....PLEASE?!

9. THE COBBLER- Proving that just because a film starring Adam Sandler isn't written or produced by his buddies, doesn't mean it's going to be good. The film has an ok story, but winds up being just another in the latest pile of dreck that Sandler can add to his ever growing list. The ending is what really cinches the deal. The Cobbler is a  silly, stupid, and needlessly convoluted mess that drags itself over the finish line.

8. AREA 51- WOW was this bad. The editing is sloppy, choppy and just all around terrible. It comes across like those involved with the film just didn't care. The main characters are your typical found footage douchy bros with a cute female thrown in (Who's only characteristic is she's cute). The film itself follows many of your typical beats (it goes pretty much exactly where you think it would go. No real twists, turns, surprises, or even scares). You know your movie is in trouble when the douche-iest bro is the only one who starts talking sense. I wasn't crazy about the first Paranormal Activity, but at least it used it's minimalistic settings to its advantage (Here we get to explore your typical office, locker room, office staircase, and a few tunnels), was competently made, and actually had some scares. Not to mention the CGI and effects in Area 51  (when there are any) are super weak. There are a few pieces that could have come across as clever in better hands. In the end, Area 51 is just a bunch of stupid 20-somethings wandering around, doing nothing, with absolutely nothing happening until it's predictable and laughably bad ending finally comes around. A very unimpressive, boring, and dull film that travels in a straight line from beginning to end. Area 51 could have been a really cool film, and it's premise does hold potential (even if it has been done before). Unfortunately, this is just your dime-a-dozen, paint-by-numbers, lifeless and listless found-footage style movie. No wonder it never got a theatrical release.

7.  PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION-  It actually does tie most of everything together, unfortunately that can't stop this latest, and hopefully last, outing from being a completely boring slog. The characters aren't likable (The main two male leads are complete douchebags), the SFX aren't impressive, and what's worst: The film is curiously devoid of any hint of potential or scares (that includes jump scares. This is a franchise who's biggest selling point was jump scares, after all, and to have an outing without any actually feels kind of wrong. That's right, this is a film that makes you wish you had some jump scares, even if they were only weak ones). Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension proves that this franchise had given up a long time ago.

6. UNFINISHED BUSINESS- It's not super funny, and it continually embarrasses it's strong cast (Vince Vaughn; who is reduced to wearing women's sportswear at one point as the camera lingers on his seeming lack of a crotch, Tom Wilkinson; who is a sex-starved and horny old man; Dave Franco; who is a legitimately mentally disabled person which makes his treatment in the film that much worse; and Nick Frost; who is reduced to being a gay bear who enjoys wearing an embarrassing tight leather outfit and glory-holing. That was the tipping point for me). While I did laugh on occasion that does not redeem this awful mess of a film (did I mention the actual plot is boring, and not once did I care about Vince Vaughn's family subplot). By the time the film ended I was just grateful it was over. 

5.  FANTASTIC FOUR- Or as I STILL call it, Fant4stic (Thank you marketing department!). I've pretty much covered all the bases on this one in my previous review (Check it out HERE: http://www.beetlejuiceshangout.blogspot.com/2016/01/fantastic-four-is-fantastic-mess.html), so I'll just quickly summarize: Here is a film that didn't seem like it wanted to be a superhero film and didn't feel like it had any love for the Fantastic Four characters or story. I still say it would have been better if Fox had just given Trank free reign to create his own original super hero team. That likely could have produced an interesting film. As is, Fantastic Four is a fantastic mess.

4. PIXELS- The biggest mistake this film made was hiring Sandler and his goons to write and act in it. It's not funny, the script is awful, the characters (all of them) are unlikable, it's attitude towards women is abhorrent, but the action scenes and SFX are fine. Even if the promise of some arcade-turned-real-life action sounds cool, just stay away. It's all just a cruel ruse. Pixels is lame, uninspired, and just not fun. STAY AWAY.

3. MORTDECAI- One of Depp's worst films to date. The film has an strange and uncomfortable love triangle subplot between Depp, Paltrow and McGregor,plus another subplot about Mortdecai's new mustache that he adores but his wife (and almost everyone else) hates. The characters are thinly written,the constant  voice-over narration by Depp is unnecessary and pointless, and each character is given one special trait that is constantly repeated in just about every scene (McGregor wants to bang Paltrow, so in every scene he is hitting on her. Mortdecai is always talking about his mustache and just mustaches in general, Jock is always screwing some random girl, and Paltrow is always complaining about the new mustache). The film would also appear to barely have a script as characters are left to ad-lib, improv, repeat silly lines ("I don't like it!") and make funny noises (yes, really). As if all this weren't enough, the women in this film exist solely to be objectified (Like Paltrow, who is constantly hit on in just about every scene as several characters try to take her to bed, in fact Depp's main goal with her character is to bed her although they are married....so why is this a big deal?). Depp is awful here, he has turned into a complete cartoon with ZERO character. He is one dimensional and spends most of the film aggressively mugging as hard as he can (Careful there Johnny, don't want to break your face). The film also IS NOT FUNNY...AT ALL. This is one of the films that would have been better with a PG-13 rating, the sexual innuendos that pepper this film are neither clever nor funny, but are instead offensive and juvenile. The only good thing about this film is Jeff Golblum, who only appears in one scene  and is overall pretty useless. I would actually compare this film to Old Dogs. If you had walked into this film right when the end credits had started to roll and asked if you had missed anything? I'd answer with No. Mortdecai is one film that should be burned, a complete embarrassment for everyone involved.

2. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY-  Another film I pretty much covered all the bases on in my earlier review. Apparently people just don't learn because they are indeed making A GODDAMNED SEQUEL TO THIS PIECE OF SHIT! A stupid person wrote this shit (on her blackberry), another stupid person decided to adapt it into a film, stupid people paid money to see this, stupid people loved it, a stupid studio decided to green light a sequel (guaranteeing this will become a stupid trilogy) and more stupid people are going to flock in droves to see it. This is super depressing guys, really. We deserve better than this, WOMEN deserve better than this. I just....I can't guys. I just can't.


1. THE RIDICULOUS SIX- Because Vanilla Ice playing a ghetto-ized Mark Twain is something that should never happen.  Sandler drags his family and a large cast consisting of both genuinely talented and untalented people along with him here including Terry Crews, Jorge Garcia (The fat guy from Lost), Taylor Lautner (as a severely mentally handicapped buffoon), Rob Schneider (as an ugly Mexican stereotype), Luke Wilson, Will Forte, Steve Zahn, Harvey Keitel, Nick Nolte, Jon Lovitz, David Spade, Danny Trejo, Nick Swardson, Blake Shelton (As Wyatt Earp), Steve Buscemi, John Tuturro (as Abner DoubleDay), Chris Parnell, Jared Sandler, Jackie Sandler (His wife, who plays an indian named Never-Wears-Bra), Sadie Sandler, Sunny Sandler, Norm MacDonald, and Chris Kattan. There were only two bits that I found even remotely funny, the rest of this film rates from ok to so bad it causes physical pain (much like Grown Ups 2 or various other Sandler films I've seen in the past). It's not the number one worst film Sandler has starred in (I still say that's likely Grown Ups 2), but it is definitely up there. Sandler fans will likely enjoy it (I'll never understand how anyone could be a fan of this guy, let alone enjoy one of his more recent films) but for everyone else I'd say KEEP AWAY. Also, in case you weren't keeping track that makes three Sandler films that made it onto this list, why anyone continues to give money to this ass-hat I'll never understand. At least with Fifty Shades, you know the pain will be over after three, maybe four films. Sandler is a different story, he's going to continue to make atrocious, ugly films until the day he dies...and that in and of itself is a terrible, scary thing. 

There you have it guys. I hope you all enjoyed my pain. You can expect my BEST OF list by the end of next week (HOPEFULLY). Till next time, please don't see the Fifty Shades Darker....PLEASE!!!!

PREPARE YOURSELVES....10 CLOVERFIELD LANE IS COMING

Updated with the official HD trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saHzng8fxLs



A long time ago, in 2007 to be exact, Transformers was released. I remember sitting in that theater, and before the movie started, being treated to one hell of an intriguing, mysterious trailer for a secretive film. The footage showed a group of partyers rushing outside after a tremendous earthquake and a fiery explosion, only to be met by a city in chaos and the Statue of Liberty's head being tossed down the street. It ended with only a date, 1-18-08. The trailer was met with great interest, confusion, and debate. Was it a new Godzilla film? Was it Voltron? Answer was, none of the above. It was actually a trailer for a completely new American monster film named Cloverfield, and boy was it great. I was one of the many who took part in the massive viral campaign for the film, which included several websites, passwords, and lots and lots of sleuthing around as we tried to piece together the individual pieces of the puzzle. Unfortunately, no answers were really given and the film itself only paid a few very tiny nods towards the numerous info and questions the campaign had raised.

Lack of any real concrete answers aside (What was that monster? Where did it come from? Is it still alive after the end of the film? Was it created, or a natural undiscovered creature? What role did Slusho have to play in all this? Could Rob and Beth possibly have survived the end of the film?), I still thought the film was pretty great, and made for quite a fun ride (I still associate Sephora with the film due to it being a location during one of the more hectic scenes). I, like many others, wanted a sequel very badly. Now, 8 years later (ironic, considering 08 played a key part in the original trailer) we may be getting a sequel....or maybe not. Either way, it stars John motherfucking Goodman and that's more than enough for me to sign myself up.

The first word we see of the title is Cloverfield, and indeed we linger on that word for a good few seconds. The font is also that classic Cloverfield font. Surely this was intentional. JJ Abrams had this to say: “The idea came up a long time ago during production. We wanted to make it a blood relative of Cloverfield. The idea was developed over time. We wanted to hold back the title for as long as possible.” So....maybe this won't be a direct sequel to Cloverfield, but more like a cousin, kind of like a weird spin-off. Will we see the monster from Cloverfield? Will there be some kind of recognition of the events seen in Cloverfield? Will this film deal with the after-effects of the events of Cloverfield? Will this film have it's own unique monster, or will it not feature any monsters at all and instead just take place in the same universe as Cloverfield? Is Cloverfield going to be a title used for a new series of loosely connected anthology films? Already so many questions.

The apparent plot revolves around a young woman played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who is in some sort of car crash. A doomsday prepper played by Goodman rescues her and holds her against her will in a cellar along with John Gallagher Jr.  Winstead offers more plot details:  “He ( John Goodman's character) tells me that basically the world is over outside because there’s been a nuclear fall-out. It does have similarity to Faults (another film Winstead recently starred in), in some ways, because you don’t know who’s telling the truth or who to believe. There’s a lot of, who’s manipulating who, and all of that. Tonally, it’s very different, but it has some of those same themes.”

Already this is sounding very different, but somewhat similar to Cloverfield. All I know for sure is that there is a film that is related to Cloverfield in some way, being released March 16th of this year (JUST A FEW MONTHS AWAY) and it stars three phenomenal actors. I CAN'T FRIGGIN WAIT!!! Let's just hope there's some sort of viral campaign to go along with this film. I am more than ready to put my sluethin' cap back on, it's been gathering dust on my shelf for far too long.

FANTASTIC FOUR IS A FANTASTIC MESS

Yes, I know this came out a very long time ago in theaters but I just saw it for the first time and I HAVE to talk about it.

Fantastic Four (or as all the ads would have you call it, Fant4stic) is the story of teen science whiz Reed Richards (Miles Teller), his best friend Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell), Super-smart but super awkward and isolated Sue Storm (Kate Mara, who is very pretty. This is one of the only good things I will say about this film.), and her hot-headed brother Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan). Sulky, rich, internet troll/hacker Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell) tags along for the fun. They are all brought onto a special project that hopes to perfect inter-dimensional teleportation (ok, admittedly Ben is not a part of the project, but is invited to join the team for their first inter-dimensional trip by Reed, who feels some sort of obligation after having short-shafted his friend before). Naturally, things do not quite go as planned and out of horrific tragedy, the Fantastic Four are born.

Wow, was this film bad. I mean, I had heard tales but I had no idea. This is really one of those rare cases where it has to be seen to be believed. By now we've all heard the reports that director Josh Trank would show up to set either drunk or f-ed out of his mind on drugs, and that originally Doom was to be called Domashev (Something I had earlier reported on, and indeed appears to be true since the name change seems to have been done last second. Every time his name is said, it sounds like it was dubbed over, and the first time we see his name on screen is a quick shot that feels like an add-on). A film with this many production issues normally does not fare well.

Trank does not seem like he has any love for The Fantastic Four, in fact it feels like he is reluctantly making this film. He certainly seems interested in their individual powers, and has some somewhat interesting ideas about them (mainly as a government run fighting team used to carry out secret/special missions). It feels as if the movie was done without enthusiasm, passion, or drive. It's almost like Trank's heart just wasn't in the project. This is a Fantastic Four film that doesn't want to be a Fantastic Four film, but instead a new, weird take on the super-hero genre. If anything, it aspires to be more of a science fiction film than anything else (after all, it does center around a new dimension, named Planet Zero, that scientists hope they can use to answer questions about Earth). Now, Trank's ideas aren't awful in and of themselves (I did like the body horror element he brought to a few scenes, although it really didn't belong in a Fantastic Four film), but he shouldn't have cannibalized an already well established and beloved property like The Fantastic Four in order to present them. He should have just been given free reign to make his own, original super hero team film instead.

What about the characters? Well, they have little to no character and are poorly developed (They are never referred to as their super hero monikers, and there's not even a romance between Sue and Reed! None of them are really all that likable either). The actors don't seem invested in their roles, and lack chemistry with each other (Sad, since they have all already been proven to be fine actors. Here, it feels like they all just want to get this over and done with so they can move on to something else. Never a good sign. In fact, the only actors who do good jobs are Tim Blake Nelson as Dr. Allen, a government man, and Reg. E. Cathy as Dr. Franklin Storm, the head of the science project and father to Johnny and Sue). I couldn't buy any of them as friends. In fact, I'd say the characters don't even feel like the Fantastic Four characters we know and love.

The character guiltiest of this is Victor Von Doom. He's in the beginning, disappears for most of the rest of the film (for reasons I won't spoil....not that there's really much to spoil here), and then his alter-ego is haphazardly thrown into the last 30 minutes so the Four can have someone to fight. His motivations don't make sense, and indeed, he's not Dr. Doom (His whole thing is protecting the new dimension which he now considers his home. He feels he has to destroy Earth in order to do this.). If you've read my previous posts you know Doom is my favorite villain in the Marvel universe, but tragic mishandling of his character here aside, I just can't bring myself to be upset about how they use him here. He doesn't look like Doom (the film's new take on his mask, and their explanation for it being how it is is just silly. It's also funny how they threw in his cape here for no good reason), his motivations are silly and dumb, and he really does feel carelessly thrown into the film because a Fantastic Four film just HAS to have Dr. Doom in it. As he is though, he's not Dr. Doom (like, at all. Only in name).

Possibly the worst part of this film is the last twenty minutes or so, which feels like it was quickly re-written and re-shot by the studio in an attempt to bring the project in line with what they wanted it to be: a typical super-hero film ( If that's what you wanted, why did you hire Trank? I guess cause Chronicle made a lot of money and was popular). This is the big climax where the Four are teleported back into Planet Zero to fight Dr. Doom. This is the part where it's emphasized that the Four have to team up because individually, they don't stand a chance against Doom. It's done in the most lazy, careless, obvious way that it kind of made me angry. I suppose that I could be wrong and this was the "grand" ending Trank had envisioned for his film all along, but I seriously doubt that (Maybe he really couldn't have cared less after all).

In the end, Fantastic Four is a film that is very poorly put together (and poorly written too). Just about everything about it is wrong, wrong, wrong! The wrong director was chosen to helm and write it (Apparently two other people helped write it, I have to assume they were chosen to re-write Trank's script which the studio didn't approve of), the director's vision was way different from the product the studio had wanted him to churn out, the whole production was plagued by troubles, and the film itself is dour, grey, dull, and dark (Something a Fantastic Four film should not be). It's also curious for a film that had a one hundred twenty million dollar budget that the special effects are this atrocious and ugly to look at (REALLY bad CGI). The whole film is a fantastic, spectacular mess. It left me scratching my head in jaw-dropped disbelief at what I was watching.  This is the kind of film that should be shown in film schools as the perfect example of how not to make a film, and how very wrong a film can go if left in all the wrong hands. Fantastic Four has A LOT of sound and fury, but signifies absolutely nothing. How disappointing.

1 STAR