In Black Christmas we follow a group of Sorority sisters who are left behind on their college campus during winter break. After an ill-advised prank on the main frat on campus (named DKO, Deke for short. Get it? Cause it sounds like dick! FACEPALM), they begin receiving threatening text messages from an unknown person. It doesn't take long for the sisters' numbers to start to drop, and on Christmas Eve it will be up to the remaining girls to fight for their lives.
Black Chistmas stars Imogen Poots as Riley (who is still recovering from a previous date rape), Aleyse Shannon as Kris (A crazed, man-hating, feminist extremest), Lily Donoghue as Marty, Brittany O'Grady as Jesse, Madeline Adams as Helena, and Nathalie Morris as Fran. These ladies make up our group of protagonists. Most of them are interchangeable and given very few defining characteristics/character traits or character development (except for Riley and Kris). You don't really care or feel for any of them. Cary Elwes plays Professor Gelson, who is currently under fire from a petition (started by Kris) that wants him removed from the campus because his literary curriculum consists of white males writers. He is understandably upset by this. There are also two "good guys" in the film: Caleb Eberhardt as Landon (love interest for Riley) and Simon Meade as Nate (Boyfriend to Marty). They, for the most part, are on the girls' side. However, when Nate tries to have a healthy dialogue/discussion with the girls about their views (Essentially his point is that not all men are rapists and evil. It's not good to lump us all together) the girls throw him out of the sorority house because he doesn't agree with them. Truly great, reasonable, fair-minded role models for young girls *sigh*.
Before we delve even further into the negatives (And yes, there is A LOT to unpack here), let's first look at the positives. Black Christmas has a strong cast (that the film doesn't know what to do with or how to properly utilize). The Cinematography by Mark Schwartzbard manages to be striking and effective at times (It's quite competent). The first kill (that happens within the first five minutes of the film) ain't bad either. Unfortunately, that's the only good I have to say about this rotten little flick.
So, where did this film go wrong? How about that it's one of the worst remakes you can sample in the modern day. It has no connection to Black Christmas except for its bare basic plot (Sorority is terrorized by unknown killer/killers on Christmas Eve), and it features some references to the original classic (and one reference to The Exorcist 3). Besides that, this is a remake in name only. The film does look appropriately wintry, with plenty of snow and decorations, but Christmas acts more as wallpaper (or wrapping). Black Christmas could have been set during any other time of the year, and nothing would have been lost. In short: It's just not a Christmas movie, or a Black Christmas movie.
What else is rotten about Black Christmas? Well, mostly everything. The script (by April Wolfe and Sophia Takal) is abysmal and the directing (by Sophia Takal) is poor. The film is terribly paced as well. The first hour is dull and boring as our protagonists basically walk around campus and talk about how evil men are while they wait for the film to kick into gear (nothing happens). The last 20-30 minutes go completely off-the-rails. It's revealed early on who the killer is, but the how and why are saved for the end. The explanation is bonkers, silly, stupid, ridiculous and insulting. Black Christmas wants us to take the reveal dead seriously, but it's so ridiculously presented that it's impossible to. It comes across as more humorous than anything else.
Black Christmas is never tense, scary, atmospheric, or suspenseful. It was clearly edited down during post-production to get a PG-13 rating (this decision was explained by Takal and Wolfe. They felt their "message" was so timely that it needed to be seen by 13 year olds ). This shows during the 3rd act as the kills are heavily edited down so the audience essentially doesn't see anything. Unfortunately, an R rating would not have been able to save this film. We would have gotten more gore and brutality, but that alone does not a great film make.
Black Christmas is not so much interested in being a proper horror film, than it is with being a message film. The only problem is that its message is terrible and does more harm than good. You'd think they'd want as many people as possible to take up the cause of feminism, but instead the film insists that feminism is a girls-only thing. The filmmakers don't want any guys involved at all (Unless they are weak, subservient losers like Landon and Nate, and even then they don't really matter because men's true nature is inherently evil. Really, the film says this.). It doesn't help that Black Christmas has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face. The message is shoved forcefully down our throats (and THIS is what you want 13 year old girls to learn? That all men are evil, want to rape them or force them to submit? That men feel threatened by them gaining more power than us or them taking power away from men, which we feel inherently belongs to us? Yes, some men are terrible human beings...but not all of us are like that! Even the bad ones can see the err of their ways and change for the better!).
It's shocking that anyone thought that this film was a good idea, or that it even got green-lit to begin with. Blumhouse was actually doing pretty well, and thus film only serves as mud on their face. It's hard to believe that Imogen Poots and Cary Elwes would even allow themselves to get tangled up in this mess (Cary Elwes basically allows himself to be portrayed as an evil, one-dimensional villain who only exists to further drive the message home/further illustrate the message). Both are incredibly talented actors who deserve far better roles than these.
In the end, it's hard to say what's worse in Black Christmas: The dull, boring first hour or the insane, silly, ridiculous, insulting final 20 minutes or so. It's easy to see who is responsible for sinking this film: Sophia Takal (Who has done mostly acting, directing only 2 films before this. She only has two previous screenwriting credits to her name, one of which was for an episode of Hulu's Into The Dark) and April Wolfe (Who previously worked as a film critic for LA Weekly and Village Voice, as of now Black Christmas is the only screenwriting credit to her name.). The directing and script easily sink the film, and Black Christmas is a poor calling card for the two women.
Black Christmas doesn't attempt to properly remake the influential classic, instead stealing its title and using it to spread a hateful, toxic message to anyone unwise enough to fork over their hard-earned dollar to see it. It's easily one of the worst (if not THE worst) film to come out of 2019. Black Christmas is one "treat" you would hate to find in your stocking come Christmas-time. Black Christmas can get stuffed!
0.5 STARS
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