BITCHING ABOUT THE MOUSE

 My opinion about Walt Disney World has continually degraded since 2020. I had been frustrated with the direction of the company since 2010, and the frustration turned into downright anger in 2020, where one terrible decision created a domino effect for the company. Before we get to that decision, let's quickly talk about Maelstrom and Frozen Ever After. Maelstrom was the name of the popular and cult classic Norway boat ride. 

Maelstrom would take guests on a brief thrilling boat ride through the myths of Norway including, prominently, angry trolls. The main feature of the ride was an iconic backwards portion that ended with the back of guest's boats sailing partially outside the building and into view of waiting guests.  Maelstrom would close in 2014 to make way for a, let's be honest, cheap overlay themed to Frozen. When Frozen Ever After opened in 2016, guests found that the backwards portion remained intact, but the outdoor opening had been crudely shuttered. 

The audio-animatronics featured in the attraction had screen-projection faces, which guests openly rebelled against. EPCOT would replace the screen-projected faces in late 2025 with classic physical faces, everyone thought that Disney had learned their lesson, but we would later be proven wrong. In 2017, Disney made another questionable decision by closing The Great Movie Ride for Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railroad. This attraction I have been able to go on, and while it's nowhere near as good as The great Movie Ride, I still loved it. Now, onto that terrible company altering decision. 

In 2020, amidst the George Floyd protests, Disney caved to angry white people and announced the permanent closure of Splash Mountain for Tiana's Bayou Adventure. Walt Disney World stated the official reason for the closure was racist undertones/overtones within Splash Mountain. The only issue with this stated reason for closure is that Splash Mountain did not have any complaints about racism within the attraction for the decades it had been open before then. Having been on the attraction many times during my visits to Walt Disney World, I can attest to this fact myself. 

There was nothing racist about Splash Mountain. True, it was adapted from an incredibly racist film called Song of the South, but just because something is adapted from racist source material doesn't mean that the adaptation is automatically racist as well. For example: Splash Mountain removed all traces of the Tar Baby from the ride, thereby erasing one of the most problematic aspects of the movie and the original Brer Rabbit stories. Tiana's was announced to be set after the events of Princess and the Frog.

 Walt Disney World later confirmed that the fan favorite villain Dr. Facilier would not make an appearance in the ride. Why? Because Disney didn't want to scare small children. The only problem with this was that the ride still features a 50ft fall. Regardless of Disney removing Dr. Facilier, the ride would still scare youngsters due to it being, you know, A THRILL RIDE!!!

 By removing the good doctor, the ride would lose all pacing and tension, the falls no longer making sense within the story that is being told. Now, it's Mama Odie who sends us down the big fall because...reasons. Tiana's would feature some incredible, brand-new Audio-Animatronics but these would prove to be incredibly problematic as they suffer from frequent breakdowns and as of this writing aren't in the best of shape. It's almost like if Disney didn't kow-tow to the angry mob, the attraction would be in much better shape today. Instead, they carelessly tore out one of the iconic, defining attractions of the Disney parks (With Splash closing down in 2023 and Tiana's opening in 2024). 

They even went so far as to remove Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah from all park music loops. It's almost like they want to pretend that Splash Mountain never existed. To this day, I still have not been on Tiana's. Disney would also completely update The Country Bear Jamboree in 2024 because of supposedly offensive material in the original show (See: Liver Lips McGraw, Blood on the Saddle, Mama Don't Whoop Lil' Beauford), creating brand new animatronics and turning the Jamboree into a sing-along featuring Country Music versions of classic Disney tunes. I don't take as much offense with this update as I feel it could have turned out so much worse than it did. 

As it stands, I have not seen the current version in person, but judging from Youtube videos, it looks like the new Jamboree is enjoyable and watchable. In 2022, Walt Disney World added a much-requested fan-favorite lost ghost to The Haunted Mansion: The Hatbox Ghost would be added, but the placement of the new audio-animatronic would perturb some fans. The Hatbox Ghost was added to the hallway with the floating candelabra. The issue this time was that placing Hatbox here directly contradicts the story and flow of the Mansion. 

Traditionally, the first half of The Haunted Mansion features allusions to ghosts, but we don't see any full-bodied specters until madam Leota does her seance. Placing Hatbox in the first act therefore contradicts the established story. I suppose you could argue that Imagineers were following the story of the new Haunted Mansion movie where Hatbox is the villain and is unaffected by Leota's powers. Unfortunately, that film was fairly poorly received (I liked it!), so you could easily claim that choosing to make elements of that film canon was a bad idea. This is another addition I have not seen in person yet, though I'm more ambivalent on this one. From the videos I've seen, I think the figure looks great but agree that his placement wasn't the best. 

In 2025, Tom Sawyer Island, The Liberty Belle Riverboat, and The Rivers of America would all permanently close to make way for a new Cars Land complete with two new attractions. While the land is still under construction, I am not happy with how this played out. Cars simply does not fit into Frontierland, no matter how much Disney tries to retroactively change the meaning and theme of Frontierland. Magic Kingdom was built with the Rivers of America in mind, and having a body of water in the park helps to make the surroundings cooler (in temperature). I understand that Tom Sawyer Island and The Liberty Belle were not popular attractions and that the demolition was done in an effort to add capacity to the park, but this was still not a wise move. 

By ripping out the Rivers of America, they have fundamentally changed the look and structure of the entire Magic Kingdom park. I know it's a moot point by now, but Walt would not be pleased. Magic Kingdom will never again look like the park I grew up with. I know you could say the same thing about the closure of the 20000 Leagues Under the Sea lagoon, but my point still stands. 

2025 had another prominent closure of a beloved attraction: Muppet*Vision 3D. This shuttering hit hard due to this being the last project Jim Henson ever touched before his untimely death. Muppet*Vision 3D and the surrounding Muppet Courtyard were to be demolished for a new Monsters Inc. area that is to feature a hanging door coaster. While the demolition pissed off many fans (myself included), there was a light on the horizon. Disney would close Rock 'n' Roller Coaster in 2025 to make way for a Muppet overlay in 2026. 

While some fans were displeased with the final product (The coaster is a poor fit for the Muppets due to its intensity, they scream) and while I haven't ridden it yet, judging from Youtube vids, it looks like the rare W for Walt Disney World in recent years. The re-theming was done with a lot of passion for the Muppets, the new pre-show features a Scooter AA along with limited movement Penguin AAs, and Statler and Waldorf even get a brief cameo at the end of the ride. Some props from Muppet*Vision 3D made it into the queue, load area, and gift shop, such as the old poster of a Muppet-fied Jim Henson. I've always seen Rock 'n' Roller Coaster as a coaster that is meant to act as a steppingstone to the 'Big Boy' coasters like Hulk and Velocicoaster. I also feel the "intensity" perfectly fits the madcap mayhem the Muppets are known for. 

In 2025, Walt Disney World re-opened Test Track with a brand new re-theme. I already posted a mini-review for it, but I'll just repeat that it's another rare W for Walt Disney World and is likely the best version of the attraction we've gotten. This year, Walt Disney World unveiled their re-theme of Animation Courtyard. I haven't seen this yet, but just going off the pictures taken, I think it's yet another W for Walt Disney World. The area feels much more open with some fake grass placed here and there. 

There are many references to classic Disney animated characters, and figurines of some of these characters are placed about the area, some in easy to see spots and others in more hidden areas. This is one many weren't expecting much out of, and it seems most were pleasantly surprised. It's the rare time where Disney over-delivered. Just recently Walt Disney World closed down the Carousel of Progress for a complete overhaul with brand new scenes and new AAs (including one of Walt Disney himself). 

I already spoke my thoughts on this in an earlier post and they remain the same. There are other attractions that are more in need of an update than Carousel was, and I'm very much hurt I never got to say a final farewell. For the final update to discuss, we trek over to Disneyland in Anaheim, California to check out what the Imagineers and corporate did to the original classic: Pirates of the Caribbean. This directly relates back to the projected faces on Frozen Ever After and the placement of the Hatbox Ghost in Haunted Mansion. In the cave scenes, the powers that be removed the skeleton atop a mound of treasure and replaced him with a new AA with a screen-projected face. 

This is yet another change I have yet to see in person, but from everything I've seen...it looks (and sounds) BAD. According to Imagineering, this is the same character as before, but now we're getting to see how he became a skeleton. The idea of the pirate being caught in a perpetual loop of greed is a good one (The pirate drops a cursed coin. He comes back to life, looks around, picks up the coin out of greed, which causes him to turn into a skeleton. He flops back over, dropping the coin and breaking the curse. And on and on for eternity). The placement is, however, very poor as it ruins the creepy and foreboding atmosphere of the first act of the ride in the caves/grotto. He should have been placed at the very end of the ride, bringing the whole attraction full circle. 

The AA looks very cartoonish and silly, to the point where it distracts more than impresses and the goofy ass noises he makes disrupt the superb ambient noise and score during the first act of the ride. Imagineering touted this figure as "next-generation", even though we've seen this exact tech done to superior effect over at Epic universe in Monsters Unchained. In reality, the new Pirate AA is just a tweak to tech that's already existed for a decade now. It's apparently accomplished using Unreal Engine, which is the same software used for Fortnight. This explains why the new pirate is so goofy, ugly, and distracting. 

Corporate and Imagineering were more interested in satisfying their investors and shareholders than they were with keeping long-time fans happy, in the process diluting what is one of the best attractions on Earth (This one addition by no means destroys Pirates of the Caribbean, but it definitely detracts from or dilutes the atmosphere, pacing, and story of the ride. Heck, I'm not even a big fan of the Jack Sparrow and Barbosa AAs added to the POTC attractions back in 2006/2007.). Disney is no longer in the business of finding ways to stand out from the crowd or differentiate itself from its competitors. Remember when Fastpasses were free, for example? In the modern day, Disney is mostly concerned with chasing trends, finding ways to make their rides more kid-friendly and PC, and putting profit ahead of the guest experience. It's become abundantly clear in recently years that Disney could give less of a fuck about their guests and fans, and that is the most disappointing thing of all. The Disney brand used to mean something, now it means just about nothing. 

IS CITIZEN VIGILANTE THE WORST FILM OF 2026?

 “They might (go to jail for the rest of their lives), of course, we won’t know till the end of the trial, and that could take years. And of course you’d have to participate in that trial, telling the story of what those men did to you over and over in a room full of people who are going to call you a liar and try to poke holes in every detail of your story. And we’ll also have to get lucky with the judgement. You never know how those things are going to turn out. And then during that long and expensive trial, we have to hope and pray that the men who did this to you don’t do the same exact thing to somebody else. Is that the justice you want?”

“I’m here to help you take that control back. I’m here to show you that you are no longer the victims. I’m here to show you that it’s time to go out and show these fuckers they aren’t getting away with it anymore. Remember, I do this for you until you learn to do it for yourself.”

Genuinely one of the most abhorrent films I have ever seen. Actual cannibal Armie Hammer stars as the American owner of several apartment properties in Europe. He travels overseas without a passport or proper documents in an attempt to rid Europe of criminal immigrants. The original title of this movie was ‘The Dark Knight’. This makes sense as Hammer’s character is blatantly copied after Batman, except this time he’s evil.

This might as well be the nail in the coffin for Hammer’s career. There’s one scene where he frequents an apartment floor where prostitutes do business. He buys one, has sex with her, and then proceeds to complain about mold in the room, revealing he owns the building. The twist in reality is that it’s actually Hammer who is the whore, accepting money to star in a terrible movie with terrible values like this.

Citizen Vigilante’s politics are disgusting and sickening. Here is a film that culminates in the vigilante murdering an entire Muslim family because their son and his friends raped a fourteen year old girl (He also murders the son and his friends as well). The Vigilante also winds up killing numerous judges near the end because he doesn’t approve of their verdicts and even kills innocent people driving a car to prove a point. 

Citizen Vigilante has no business talking to audiences from a perceived high ground as in the previously stated prostitute scene, the camera openly ogles the numerous sex worker’s breasts and butts, objectifying them in the process.

Those looking for action or violence won’t get much of it as the majority of the film consists of Armie Hammer walking around, pouting, inspecting buildings, and monologuing to the camera and to characters on and off screen. When there is violence, it’s gratuitous and gory (often with bad CGI). This flick delights and revels in it. It ogles violence the same way it ogled those sex workers’ bodies.

The technical aspects are awful. The editing is some of the worst I’ve seen, jumping back and forth in time with very little rhyme or reason. The cinematography is ugly and amateurish, and the score is tough to listen to. The direction by Boll is what we’ve come to expect from him, which is to say it’s bad. Costas Mandylor co-stars as an interpol official determined to bring the vigilante to justice. Shame on him for agreeing to act in this movie.

Citizen Vigilante is not a movie, it’s an excuse for Uwe Bill to get on a soapbox and scream his disgusting and abhorrent politics at us. He hates all immigrants, legal or not, and is incredibly racist. It’s a film meant to trigger liberals and doesn’t attempt to hide its true purpose: to incite violence. This is not just a terrible movie, it’s a dangerous one as well and it’s all but guaranteed to leave you feeling dirty and unclean by the end. 

0.5 STARS

SUPERGIRL IS SUPER DISAPPOINTING

 Let me start by saying I did not hate this film. Overall, I’m pretty ambivalent about it. It’s trying to be a mixture of Guardians of the Galaxy and Star Wars, but doesn’t do either well. There are elements here that work well enough on their own. Too bad they’re attached to a dud.

The editing by Fred Raskin and Tatiana S. Riegel is a jumbled, god-awful, convoluted, non-sensical mess. The screenplay by Ana Nogueira doesn’t fare much better. She gives us zero reason to get invested in either of the two main plot lines. There are great, meaningful messages that land with a thud due to the film they’re attached to not being very good. There are also contrivances and conveniences aplenty. I honestly was expecting a multitude of people to be credited for the screenplay with how poor and messy it turned out.

Matthias Schoenaerts is the worst offender of the actors as main villain, Krem. He’s a space bully who is more annoying than he is threatening, intimidating, or memorable. Krem is about on the same level of bad as many First Phase MCU villains, if not worse. I fucking hated him.

Eve Ridley as Ruthye is not good. She is a more annoying version of Athena from Tomorrowland, but with far less to do.  Ruthye had her family butchered in front of her by Krem, and Kara had Krypto shot with a slow-acting poison by Krem. This is what binds our two heroines together and sets the plot into motion.

Milly Alcock as Supergirl, Jason Momoa as Lobo (who only gets around 15 minutes of screen time), David Corenswet as Superman, and David Krumholtz as Zor-El are the stand-outs acting and character wise. Jason Momoa is letting loose and having fun as Lobo, a bounty hunter with a real devil-may-care attitude. He’s a lot of fun but isn’t of much import to the proceedings. Maybe one day he’ll get his own movie. I’d say he deserves one (so long as the talent behind the camera is of higher quality than the crew we have here).

David Corenswet continues to prove he’s perfect as Superman in his few all-too-brief scenes. Milly Alcock as Supergirl does great (the scattered scenes of her backstory are certainly better than most of the rest of the film). Kara is essentially the female version of Star-Lord. Her development is very well done and it’s appreciated that she is heavily flawed.

It’s a shame that the film bearing Supergirl’s name doesn’t live up to her character. She deserves a better movie than this. I can only hope she has roles to play in upcoming films, maybe then she can truly fly. There is no unified, creative vision for this movie. It feels like Craig Gillespie did not have full creative control (studio meddling?).

Supergirl, unlike its main lead, lacks personality and a unique identity. I genuinely don’t know who to blame for this one. Did James Gunn or the studio take too much of a hands on approach? Does Ana Noguiera deserve to take most of the blame for her poor screenwriting skills and lack of vision for the product she churned out?  Did editors Fred Raskin and Tatiana S. Riegel kneecap the movie with their choppy, confusing, and scattershot job? Maybe it’s all three? Either way, the end result is the same: a disappointing, unexciting superhero flop that sinks instead of soars.

2 STARS

PRIDE MONTH HORROR: LEVITICUS

 Leviticus wants to be It Follows for queer people, but doesn’t exactly succeed in its goal. The concept of a murderous entity taking the form of the one you love most is a very scary, freaky concept. It’s scarier than anything that actually happens in the film. Running at approximately 90 minutes, the quickness of the sequence of events can feel rushed or even nonsensical at times. This is another one that would have gained a bit by extending its run time.

This flick is grappling with some deep, meaningful themes such as the importance of human connection, some people’s desire to keep queer lovers apart, the deadly consequences of forced isolation, religion’s effects on queer people (the way they see each other and their love), and more. It doesn’t execute all of these themes well, but it gets enough right. We never learn much about the evil religious healer who summons the deadly entity, and the rules for this entity aren’t fully fleshed out. It’s also somewhat unrealistic that not a single other person in this film is supportive of our leads’ relationship.

The strongest things about Leviticus are the performances of Joe Bird and Stacy Clausen, and the chemistry they share. The love these two have for each other is palpable and feels real. Clausen’s Ryan doesn’t get quite as much screen time as Joe Bird’s Naim, which feels a bit odd (the film is told purely from the pov of Naim). Both actors sell the hell out of their roles and the material they are given. They are a large part of the reason why this flick works as well as it does.

Leviticus is far from a perfect film. It’s certainly flawed (for example: the too quick ending, or that the solution to our leads’ problem isn’t too hard to guess for those paying attention), but it’s tense, sad, freaky, effective at times, and perfectly captures part of the queer experience. It’s genuinely trying to say something meaningful. I really appreciate the effort.

3.5 STARS

IT'S TIME TO PUT THE TOYS BACK ON THE SHELF: TOY STORY 5

Cute, harmless, but doesn’t do enough to justify its existence by the end. While Toy Story 5 bills itself as a tech vs toys story, it’s ultimately a check Toy Story 5 cant cash, nor does it really want to. The story this go-round is more about Jessie coming to terms with her traumatic past. Luckily, everything that has to do with this is fairly solid, it’s the parts surrounding it that come up lacking. This 5th outing is disjointed and uneven as the film spends most of its time juggling sub-plots and locations. 

Jessie and Bullseye find themselves stranded at Jessie’s old house after her attempt to follow Bonnie along on a sleepover goes south. Buzz is at Bonnie’s house trying to keep things in order while stressing over how to properly proclaim his love for her. Woody winds up at Bonnie’s house after a jumbled communication from Jessie leaves him thinking she needs his help. Meanwhile a horde of updated Buzz Lightyear toys attempt to survive in the wild. All this while our beloved toys struggle to face potential obsolescence at the hands of screens and tech.

Toy Story 5 never finds a comfortable balance between all of these subplots. The Buzz Lightyear horde don’t serve much of a purpose except as filler and a 13th hour deus ex machina. The toys vs tech element is mostly forgotten about by the start of the second act, and the conclusion that “tech are toys too” is more than a little underwhelming. Buzz and Woody are essentially after thoughts. The main plot concerning Jessie and her past is very well done, and it’s conclusion gave me serious feels and chills. 

The MVP of the film is Conan O’Brien’s Smarty Pants, a sarcastic potty training device that sounds drunk when low on batteries. He winds up befriending Jessie and helps her find her way home. Toy Story 5 is not a bad movie, but it doesn’t come anywhere near the ridiculous highs of the first 3 films. In the end, it makes a strong argument that it might be time to put the toys away as, at this point, much like the main plot of the film, this franchise is being used mainly to appeal to nostalgia while offering very little that’s new or of import to say. Our beloved toys are being used solely to make a quick buck.

3 STARS

THE FURIOUS IS HERE TO KICK ASS AND CHEW GUM...AND IT'S ALL OUT OF GUM

 Oh yeah, this hit the spot. It gives you the The Raid: Redemption fix you didn’t know you needed. The story is simple: a father (Miao Xie) looking for his abducted daughter and a detective (Joe Taslim, of The Raid: Redemption fame) searching for his missing wife team up to track down the men responsible and bring them to justice. It doesn’t take long before they realize they’ve started a war with a child trafficking ring.

The direction by Kenji Tanigaki, the cinematography by Meteor Chung, and the editing by Chris Tonick are all perfection. The fight choreography by Kensuke Sonomura is fast, furious, and beautiful. It’s like watching a perfectly timed dance. The entire film is pretty much non-stop, high-octane action. The final fight in particular had a big, goofy grin plastered on my face for the duration of it.

The actors all do convincing jobs. It’s good to see Joe Taslim back on the big screen in a martial arts film. Miao Xie impresses mightily as the mute father. His fighting is the best out of all the characters. Yayan Ruhian (also of The Raid: Redemption fame) shines as the second in command of the child trafficking ring. If you’ve seen his previous work you know what he is capable fighting wise, and he does not disappoint. Joe Taslim and him get to fight each other again, which feels great to see.

Brian Le is surprisingly memorable as a dim-witted goon who’s built like a tank and doesn’t know when to stay down. He’s destined to become a fan-favorite character. Joey Iwanaga leaves an impression as the head of the nefarious operation. He doesn’t really take center-stage until the third act, but he plays his unhinged role well. 

The only real negatives is some of the blood looks CGI and the dubbing (English over English) is noticeably off. It’s almost like they had some actors mouth the words so an English voice-actor could come in later and dub-over their lip-syncing. That’s it for the bad. It’s really small potatoes when weighed against the scale of everything else this film does oh-so right.

The Furious is an instant classic. It’s bloody, breathless, fast-paced, and totally exhilarating. It’s also easily one of the best films of 2026. If you are a fan of action-films done right, you would do wise to seek this one out ASAP. It will have you leaving the theater feeling bruised, battered, but victorious and screaming for more.

5 STARS

TIME TO CELEBRATE PRIDE MONTH WITH MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

 “Let’s fist some bad guys!”

Gay icon He-Man RETURNS!!!! Masters of the Universe is like watching a self-aware live-action Saturday morning cartoon. This film embraces its silly roots, and never takes itself too seriously. It even pokes fun at itself in some moments. Everyone assembled is perfectly cast, from the lead players like Jared Leto as Skeletor, Nicholas Galitzine as Adam/He-Man, Idris Elba as Duncan/Man-At-Arms, and Camila Mendes as Teela, to supporting players like Jóhannes Haukur Jóhannesson as Fisto, Jon Xue Zhang as Ram Man, Kristen Wiig as Roboto, and Christian Vuniopola as Hussein. Everyone is having an absolute blast

Jared Leto puts on his best performance in years as Skeletor. The voice isn’t quite right, but he looks perfect and his personality is highly entertaining. He owns every scene he’s in. His laugh is perfect!

Nicholas Galitzine as Adam nails his role as well. For the first act he is a total pussy, but once he wields his mighty sword, he gets a lot better and a lot more attractive (It’s not just his body that gets an upgrade, but his hair as well). He makes for a pretty good role model for kids as he is in touch with his emotions, consistently shows vulnerability, and while he isn’t above throwing fists, he believes in the value of attempting to talk things out first. Camila Mendes as Teela, Adam's love interest, is very likable and unbelievably hot. She's essentially second lead.

All the best parts of Masters of the Universe take place in Eternia, and 90% to 95% of the film take place here. Less than 30 minutes take place on Earth (around 20 to 25 minutes are on Earth). The production design by Guy Hendrix Dyas and the costume design by Richard Sale are beautiful and very cool. Everything is consistently appealing to look at. The score by Daniel Pemberton (with Queen's Brian May on guitar) is incredibly cool and adds much adrenaline to the proceedings. It’s very sonically pleasing. 

There is a good deal of action, and every fight scene is excellent and fun. That said, there are plenty of lulls in-between where characters take time to talk to each other and get caught up with events they had missed. While Masters of the Universe isn’t non-stop action, it always manages to hold your attention and entertain.

With strong direction by Travis Knight (CEO of Laika and sin of Nike founder Phil Knight), this adaptation of Masters of the Universe feels like you are watching a live-action Saturday morning cartoon. I’ve never seen the source material and I imagine it differs a good deal from the show people grew up with, but this is still a quality product. Masters of the Universe is a guilt-free, highly entertaining good time.

3.5 STARS