AN EPIC DAY AT EPIC UNIVERSE

My thoughts on the park have not changed. It's still one of the best parks on Earth, one of the top three in Orlando. That said, I did get to do some new things during my second visit.

At Pizza Moon, I got to try the Pizza Lunare. This is the pizza made with moon cheese. The pizza is made of purple colored dough, comes with bacon/meat cubes on top, pieces of garlic, and a mound of what I think is cream cheese on each slice. The moon cheese tastes like a mix of gorgonzola and swiss cheese. There is no tomato sauce on it. Overall, I found it to be very flavorful and unique. Pizza Moon remains the best pizza restaurant at any theme park I've been to. 

RATING: 5/5

For dinner, I ate at the Blue Dragon Pan-Asian Restaurant. The inside is themed to night, with floating lanterns, large steel statues of trees, and light-up neon art of dragons and tigers. The restaurant doesn't make food to order, but just continually makes menu items throughout the day on a kind of first-come first-served type basis. This means your food may not be delivered at the same time, and entrees might arrive before appetizers. I ordered the Peanut Shrimp Noodles. This is crispy shrimp, pan-fried noodles, shiitake mushrooms, gia lan, Thai peanut sauce, and toasted coconut. This dish was incredible. It was overflowing with fried/crispy shrimp drowning in Thai peanut sauce. I would highly recommend this, but with a caveat. The dish is more shrimp than noodles , so if you are unsure about peanut sauce flavored shrimp, maybe pass on this. 

RATING: 5/5

I FINALLY got to ride both sides of Stardust Racers at night and was completely blown away. I had heard murmurings that some consider this to be more intense than Velocicoaster, but I can't agree. That said, it's likely my favorite coaster in Orlando. The yellow side is more intense than the green side, but not by much. The dueling aspect is both magical and completely thrilling. It's like the next evolution of Dueling Dragons. There aren't many inversions. Green side only has one corkscrew/half-corkscrew, and the yellow side only has less than a handful. The green side is smooth as butter, the yellow side is a bit rougher but is still fairly smooth. Both sides are like riding racing/dueling shooting stars in the sky. The on-board music and dueling aspect add a lot to the experience. I'd dare say this is a roller-coaster most should be able to handle. Make sure you look at the back of the coaster cars to see Doc Brown's Flux Capacitor, which powers the vehicles.

RATING: 5/5 

The special thing about this visit was I got to drag my mom and brother along. Below I've hastily compiled their thoughts:

Mom says Epic universe wasn't anything like she was expecting it to be. She really struggled to wrap her head around it. The park wasn't crowded like we were expecting and the weather was very manageable. She said all the lands were spread out, but she thought there wasn't much to do in each land. 

Mom reluctantly rode Monsters Unchained, Mario Kart, and Battle at the Ministry. She didn't have motion-sickness issues with any of them. She liked each, but didn't love them. She said she would have liked Monsters Unchained more if she was a fan of the Universal Monsters. She really didn't have much of a response or reaction to Monsters Unchained/ Her response was muted. She had no real thoughts on the KUKA Arm ride system despite this being her first ever ride on a KUKA Arm. When asked further, she said she has been on other rides where your feet dangle, like 'Soarin. She said Monsters Unchained throws you around a lot but didn't seem to mean it in either a good or bad way, it was almost like more of an observation. My brother thought the ride was ok, he honestly wasn't a fan. He really didn't like Ygor and thought Victoria was mean. He thought it was more intense than Forbidden Journey, and I agree. He gave it a 6/10. Mom gave it a 9/10 on a technical level, but a 7/10 on a personal level. She found it hard to follow the story, but thought there was a lot of worth to the ride. She says it is a high quality experience, even if it wasn't really for her. 

She didn't like how thematically dark everything at Epic universe was. She thought Dark Universe, Wizarding World Paris, and How To Train Your Dragon: Isle of Berk were too thematically dark. I was surprised about Isle of Berk, but she explained that Dragins in mythology were violent and murderous, as were Vikings in real life. She seemed unable to make the leap in her mind that the Dragons and Vikings in the land were not like this and are based on a family animated film franchise.

Both Wes and her didn't care for Le Cirque Arcanus. They had issues with the story, structure, and pacing. Mom says the show needs work and it didn't make sense to her. I liked it more this time, but think it's still far from a perfect show. I just think it's cool.

Mom and Wes were not fans of Super Nintendo World. Both were overwhelmed by it and the large crowds inside. I couldn't spend much time there because there are a lot of stairs and I had sprained my right upper leg/hip at HHN the night before.

Mom's ranking is: 1. Monsters Unchained. 2. Battle at the Ministry 3. Mario Kart. She thought Ministry's effects were cool, but it was a weird ride. She didn't understand it and hasn't seen most of the films. She was also very confused why Epic's Harry Potter land was set in Paris and not London, but she hasn't seen the prequels either so that makes sense. 

Mom was really impressed by the food offerings at Dockside Inn and Epic universe. She really enjoyed her taste of my Pizza Lunare. She says the offerings are not the typical theme park/hotel food offerings. She said that if every theme park was like Epic in terms of structure, lay out, and operation she would be significantly happier and less stressed.

Wes's Favorite Land: Wizarding World Paris

Wes's Favorite Attraction: Harry Potter and the Battle at the Ministry

Mom's Favorite Land: How to Train Your Dragon: Isle of Berk

Mom's Favorite Attraction: The Untrainable Dragon show

Mom's Epic Universe rating: On a personal level he gives it a 6/10 or 3/5. For others she says its probably a 7/10 or 3.5/5.

Wes's Epic Universe rating: On a personal level he gives it 7/10 or 3.5/5. 

SMALLS FRIGHT FEST: TRIP REPORT FROM HHN 35

 This year I was lucky enough to visit the nation's premier Halloween event: Halloween Horror Nights 35 Orlando!!! Let's not waste any time and jump right into my thoughts!

ICONS

This year we got dual icons: Jack Schmidt/Jack the Clown and Richard Oddfellow. Oddfellow was the proprietor of the sideshow/carnival where Jack was employed in life. While Oddfellow was evil in his own right, he could not abide Jack's murders bringing authorities to the carnival. Jack lost control  and became chaos personified, forcing Oddfellow put an end to Jack's madness once and for all...or so he thought. Now, the two have become reluctant allies, putting their powers together to create the Infernal Carnival of Nightmares. Jack represents Chaos, Oddfellow represents Control. All are invited to attend, but not everyone will be leaving in one piece. The icons worked exceptionally well this year. I didn't see Oddfellow in the streets, but I did catch one glimpse of Jack in the Downtown Clowntown scarezone.

THEME

The theme for this year is the Infernal Carnival of Nightmares, a carnival that Jack and Oddfellow are creating together. See what happens when Chaos and Control work together to create the stuff nightmares are made of!

SCAREZONES

DOWNTOWN CLOWNTOWN

The city that never sleeps becomes a waking nightmare when it’s overrun by Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Art the Clown and other clownsfolk who can’t wait to tear you limb from limb.

The clowns have overrun Downtown NYC, laying siege to the area and claiming it as their own. With Chance the clown in charge, she's invited the Killer Klownz from Outer Space, Art the clown and his possessed posse, and her own gang of roving terrors to wreck their own special brand of chaos and terror. This is one of the best zones I have ever had the pleasure of walking through, and I got to spend a good deal of time in it. The zone is incredibly large, stretching from the entrance of the Minions Cafe all the way through NYC including Transformers alley and Delancey street. It feels enormous. There are multiple elaborate set pieces throughout including a main stage for Chance and Jack, and multiple mini-stages for different clowns (Art even gets his own Christmas themed mini-stage, including The Little Pale Girl, Possessed Vicki, and Sienna). This zone is full of many different clowns (Jack's brother, Eddie, is even featured. Yes, I got to see him while I was there), so the opportunities for scares are endless. Even if you don't get scared, you will doubtless be entertained. Downtown Clowntown ranks as one of the best Scarezones of all time. 

RATING: 5/5

INFERNAL CARNIVAL OF NIGHTMARES

 Jack and Dr. Oddfellow invite you to step right up and see what horrors hide in every shadow at a sinister spectacle decades in the making.

This is the entrance zone, which incorporate the classic Halloween Horror Nights truss (even if a good deal of the letters were non-functional during my visit). The zone includes a stand for both Jack and Oddfellow. Both icons were absent throughout the night, which was very disappointing. There isn't much to the zone, which is par for the course for the entrance zone during the last several years. There is a neat ticket booth included, which is more than we normally get. Past the truss there is signage for each of the Haunted Houses, and different characters from each house. This was not a very involved zone and despite the truss and ticket booth, was fairly disappointing.

RATING: 2.5/5

SIDESHOW OF DECAY

Cindy’s time has come. With Dr. Oddfellow’s dark sorcery, she opened a portal in the carnival’s junkyard — using it to resurrect decayed nightmares from the past that are back to haunt you.

This zone occupied the Hollywood section of the park. I was very hyped as it was meant to be this year's anniversary zone. It features multiple characters from HHN pat including Batricia, The Caretaker and Cindy (atop a parade float), the Cats from the Cat Lady of Crooked Lane scarezone, and more. Unfortunately, it didn't feel particularly cohesive but was still fairly cool regardless. The highlights were the Caretaker and Cindy, who had pre-recorded spiels throughout the night. 

RATING: 3.5/5

MEL'S DIE-IN ZOMBIES

Zombie carhops have swarmed Mel’s Die-In, and they aren’t just here for the burgers.

VERY disappointed in this zone. It's situated in/near Mel's Drive-In. The theme is cute and the zombies that are there are certainly doing their best, but there's not much theming and it's sparsely occupied with scareactors. 

RATING: 2/5

CLUB HORROR

The streets of San Francisco have been transformed into Club Horror,
where the DJ’s undead but the vibe is alive and well. 

Another disappointment. The zone occupies a very small area. The music blasting and thumping in it is ok. There is a DJ and less than a handful of dancers. Hopefully they ditch this "Zone' in favor of a full, uniquely themed one for future events. 

RATING: 1.5/5

CHAINSAW HORDE

 Led by the "Ringmistress", this roaming troupe of Chainsaw Carnies attack from the darkest corners of the midway.

This "Unofficial Scarezone" is located in the Springfield/Simpsons area of the park and has been a thing since 2015. Unfortunately, this zone has remained unchanged for as long as it's been at the event. The scareactors always deliver, but there is minimal theming and at this point it's become more annoying than scary.

RATING: 2.5/5

FORTNIGHTMARES

Trudge through this scare zone and brace for the Storm, because there’s no telling what horrors it’ll bring with it.

My least anticipated scarezone of the night. I'm not a fan of Fortnight and do not approve of HHN catering towards younger folk (I'm talking about middle-schoolers if not younger). That being said, this zone was surprisingly great. The scareactors/characters were colorful, lively, fun, and cool. My favorite was the character Wrath, who is absolutely dripping with aura. He wears a black trench coat, a black fedora, and his face is covered with a Rorsach-esque white mask. There are also dancing skeletons and a pumpkin cat lady who are also very enjoyable. There are industrial fans placed throughout the zone, but they only seemed to be operating at the beginning of the night. As you explore the zones, there are occasional sound effects of lasers/guns blasting and some characters indeed carry around colorful guns and pretend to blast at other characters. It really does feel like there is a bit of a battle going on. At the end of the zone is the iconic Fortnightmares bus, which indeed looks very colorful and cool. I wouldn't qualify this as a scary zone, but it was very fun to walk through. There are also IP characters that make an appearance. Jack has been known to pop his head in on occasion (He wasn't there the night I was attending), and a Statue of Liberty Purge character from The Purge: Election Year is a frequent roamer (This one I ran into multiple times). Overall, not a bad zone.

RATING: 4/5

FOOD OFFERINGS

This was the rare year where I was actually interested in some of the fare being offered at the event. 

There was a Meetz Meats booth set up at the beginning of the bridge that leads to Springfield from London/MIB. Meetz Meats is a deep-cut for HHN fans. It was a basis for the 2009 haunted house Leave It To Cleaver. The story is that Meetz Meats was a butcher shop based in Carey, Ohio that offered the freshest, most prime cuts of meat available. It was all the rage for the citizens of Carey. There was a catch though, the reason the meat was so fresh is because it was made from the slaughtered remains of the clientele's fellow neighbors and friends. I ordered the Bloody Bones, which are smoked and charred BBQ ribs with crispy jalapeño bits on top. I don't know what I was expecting but this was absolutely delicious. The ribs had a very smoky flavor and the jalapeño bits on top added just the right amount of kick. The offering is very messy, so grab plenty of napkins. This is one you'll want to eat with your hands.  

RATING: 5/5

The only other offering I was interested in was the Slurp Juice. Slurp Juice is a Fortnight staple. In the game it's used to quickly restore health and shield to players. At HHN it's made of Powerade Mountain Berry Blast, Sprite, pineapple juice, Blue Curaco Syrup, and silver edible glitter. It was absolutely delicious and tasted like blueberry pineapple Sprite. It was not pre-mixed, meaning you get to watch the bartender/server make it in front of you. I think you tasted the Sprite, pineapple juice, and blue curaco syrup the most. It was very refreshing and I could have easily drank two of them. This drink is non-alcoholic, meaning it's a great option for the entire family!

RATING: 5/5

HAUNTED HOUSES

STRANGER THINGS 5

Join the Hawkins gang for one last adventure. Try to survive an army of Demogorgons, face the Mind Flayer and defeat Vecna once and for all in this haunted house based on Stranger Things 5.

Stranger Thing Season 5 was very disappointing. While the house was definitely better than the season, I only really cared for the first half of the house. Overall, it didn't really offer much in terms of theming or scares.  A good deal of the scareactors were fan favorite characters like Hopper, Dustin, Lucas, Holly, and Derek. There were a few Vecnas and Demogorgons throughout, and the one scene of Mike discovering his powers was fine. The Mind-Flayer lair finale was accomplished by a screen. Not cool.  Not a bad house, but definitely the weakest of the night.

RATING: 3/5

OZZY OSBOURNE: PRINCE OF DARKNESS

You’re in Ozzy’s world now. Bow at the throne of the Prince of Darkness in this haunted house inspired by the twisted mind of one of rock ‘n’ roll’s greatest legends.

The story for this house is a cult has made it their mission to resurrect Ozzy Osbourne. The facade was cool as it seems to resemble a crumbling mausoleum. There were several pools of water (in reality just screens) that would reflect Ozzy's face. The second facade was even cooler as it looked like a crumbling castle with cult members standing about (some mannequins, some animatronics, and some scareactors).  There were rooms modeled after a dungeon, a crazy train (which resembled The Hogwarts Express with a rumbling floor), a rainy potion themed to outdoors with melting people, and a portion themed to a cemetery with a werewolf (this part lightly reminded me of Winter's Night). As you trek through the house, Ozzy's blaring music accompanies you. The last room is Ozzy sitting on a throne. I really dug this house. My only complaint is right when I was really starting to love the house, it ended. Ozzy is a moderate-short length house but it packs a whole bunch of atmosphere and coolness into the limited amount of space it has. Definitely one of the better houses of the night.

RATING: 4/5

MADLANDS: CAGED CANNIBALS

A defunct zoo is now the deadly domain of warring cannibal factions that have taken their animal instincts to extremes. They’re territorial. They’re hungry. And you’re lunch.

A post-apocalyptic house set inside an abandoned downtown zoo overrun by cannibalistic gangs. The gangs are in the middle of a territorial war, and you are caught in the middle. Each faction has taken over a section of the zoo (Zoo Safari, Lions, Rhinos, Bats, etc) and have modeled themselves after the animals that occupied that section. The costumes and sets were incredibly well-designed, the music was absolutely rockin', and the scares were mostly on-point. The bat portion of the house smelled like bat guano. There was a cool jeep with a machine gun turret and a rhino cart with a spiral drill on top. This was bloody, insane, atmospheric, and fun. It also smelled like a classic HHN house (with fog and other scents). This was surprisingly my favorite house of the night and it felt like a classic HHN house all the way.

RATING: 5/5

INVASION: ALIEN ABDUCTION

Make contact with horrors from worlds unknown in this haunted house, where a ship full of Grays have torn apart a remote homestead in search of fresh test subjects.

This house had the best facade of the night. The facade was a complete barn and shed with crashed alien ship pieces that would glow on occasion and a truck. Once inside the house, you get to witness the family that owns the farm besieged by classic Greys. The costumes and masks for the aliens weren't the best. Highlights include a hallway with rumbling floor, a slanted bedroom (sans slanted floor. Still a disorienting effect regardless), getting to see a child get lifted up through the ceiling (accomplished by the feet of a child animatronic disappearing through the roof. There are multiple characters that get a lifting/ebducted effect), and a small cat on the stairs sleeping peacefully through it all. This was a very cool house that mostly impressed, though it did leave me feeling that it was a bit lacking in the end. Still definitely worth a walk-though, though.

RATING: 4/5

H.R. BLOODENGUTZ PRESENTS: A HALLOWEEN FRIGHT-TACULAR

On a dark and stormy Halloween night, your favorite maître d’macabre returns to WKNB with a special scare-athon! Tune into a curated selection of H.R. Bloodengutz’ Halloween favorites in this haunted house complete with ghouls, gore and all the frights that keep you coming back for more.

This house is a deep-cut for long-time fans of HHN. H.R. Bloodengutz was the basis for a haunted house during my favorite year of the event: 2011. H.R. was the late night horror host for tv station WKNB, based in Carey, Ohio. When he was fired last minute before one of his shows was to air, H.R. went crazy, holding the tv station manager hostage. After killing the manager, H.R. was captured and placed in an insane asylum. Fifteen years later, he escapes from the asylum, hijacking a prison transport vehicle and hi-tailing it to his old WKNB station where he intends to host one final Halloween night broadcast. The offering this go-round include The Legend of Horseless Hallow, Monsters Night Out, The Grayscale Graveyard, Cult of the Pumpkin Lord, Conjure the Funk, Skoolhouse: Resurrection, The Madness of Dr. Pumpkinspice, Ho-Ho Homicide, and The Feaster Bunny. The facade is another one of the best of the night as it recreates the exterior of the WKNB station with H.R.'s stolen prison transport van parked outside, his orange prison jumpsuit discarded outside the door to the station, the door covered with yellow caution tape, and a hole cut in the wire fence as a makeshift entrance. The lights for the station continually blink on-and-off. There's also a queue video that plays featuring H.R.'s newest bloody broadcast. The video is not only in the queue for this house, but also featured in the queues for other houses as well. This house transported me straight back to the original H.R. Bloodengutz house and HHN 21. It feels exactly like the OG, but longer. Each movie gets one or two rooms, and each is very silly. My favorite movies were Monsters Night Out (which is set at a lively tiki bar), Cult of the Pumpkin Lord (A sequel to 2021's Wicked Growth: Realm of the Pumpkin), Conjure the Funk (A zombie disco dance party), Skoolhouse: Resurrection (A sequel to 2008's scarezone The Skoolhouse), and The Madness of Dr, Pumpkinspice (featuring a wacky, silly version of Dr. Frankenstein). I wanted to love The Legend of Horseless Hallow as the concept is very silly: The Headless Horseman loses his horse. Unfortunately, not much was really done with it. Overall, the creatives got this one right. They absolutely nailed it!!! I had the misfortune of going-through during a cast change so I missed The Pumpkin Lord and a highlighted dancing zombie from Conjure the Funk. This was this year's humor/fun house and it was an absolute joy getting to re-visit a fan favorite. I also adored the opening and closing rooms, which featured H.R. killing/torturing security guards/staff. Definitely one of the best houses of the night. I wanted to go through this one a second time, but was unable to.

RATING: 4/5

HELLRAISER

Enter a realm of eternal suffering where Pinhead and his Cenobites derive their immense pleasure in this haunted house based on the original Hellraiser trilogy.

I'm not a huge fan of the Hellraiser films, but I can safely say I adored this house. Here you get to travel through the first two Hellraiser films. You start out in Frank's house from the first movie before entering the Lament Configuration and traveling through the realm of the Cenobites. While Pinhead didn't look exactly as he does in the films, they clearly did the best they could. Every other character was pretty-much spot-on. That said, the real draw of this was the environments created. They re-create the environments from the first two films and some new ones along the way. Once in the realm of the Cenobites you start out having to maneuver through hanging chains which quickly turn into hanging, fleshy intestines. Very gross but very cool. There was a room where holes in the wall had bursts of blue light piercing through the fog/smoke. A very cool effect. You truly feel like you are in the world of the Hellraiser films. This is definitely one of the best HHN houses I've walked through. 

RATING: 5/5

SINNERS

Head to Club Juke as the Smokestack Twins fend off bloodthirsty vampires in this haunted house based on the award-winning film.

This house had been highly hyped and advertised by the creative team this year but was ultimately very disappointing. None of the big scenes were effectively recreated ( the big dance party created by Sammy's song and the finale with vampires burning outside, for example). The environments were mostly fine. Many are calling this a book-report house, and they are correct. The best part is when you enter Club Juke several scenes into the house and are greeted by Smoke and Stack. Sinners is one of the most successful and innovative horror films of all time. It deserved a better haunted house than this.

RATING: 3.5/5

EVIL DEAD BURN

An infernal force has taken hold of a family home, and it’s hungry for its next victim. Dodge Deadites hell-bent on bloodshed in this haunted house based on the new film, Evil Dead Burn.

I was a sizable fan of the film this house was based on, and luckily this house did the film justice. The opening scene with the overturned burning car was cool and the interiors of the Price house are faithfully recreated from the movie. This was a mixture of a classic haunted house and an Evil Dead movie, which is to say it was very cool and very fun. I especially appreciated the last few rooms where you are walking through the house while it is burning down (mostly accomplished by screens, but still cool nonetheless). All the characters from the film make an appearance, including the poor possessed doggo. If you at all enjoyed the film, you'd likely enjoy this house too. Definitely reccomended.

RATING: 4/5

CYBERGORIA

Awaken thousands of years in the future in this haunted house and brave a cold world driven by machines with a singular goal: to make you live forever, even if it kills you.

The idea behind this house is you are customers of a new company called Bio-Immortal, which promises to freeze you now and thaw you out later when they have discovered the secret to immortality. Unfortunately, the cyborgs designed to assist humans in the process have decided the best way to make humans immortal is to turn us into cyborgs, even if it kills us. This house had the potential to be the next Chaos: Dogs of War. It's definitely the scariest and most intense house of the night. I loved the concept and story behind the house, even if the environments are fairly one-note. The demented cyborgs are bloody, gory, scary, and very in-your face. Luckily, they each have a different look or vibe to them. I likely would have enjoyed this one more if the two twenty-something women behind me weren't performatively screaming their lungs out every single second of the way. It really ruined the house for me as I felt like I had permanent hearing loss by the end of the house. 

RATING: 4/5

JACK AND ODDFELLOW: CHAOS AND CONTROL

Witness Jack the Clown’s unholy origins, then enter Dr. Oddfellow’s wickedly twisted universe where two of the most powerful forces in horror face off in a deathmatch of chaos versus control.

That's right, you get to actually experience Jack the Clown's origin and murder at the hands of Dr. Richard Oddfellow at the beginning of this house. You even get to see Jack without the makeup on (He just looks like a normal, balding, sad, old man. There's a cool effect where Jack's face is laid over the face of Jack sans makeup in a mirror before he turns to look at us. The first section is Jack's origin, the second portion is Dr. Oddfellow's dimension in the suitcase/trunk he shoves Jack into, the third portion is the dimension Jack creates in the suitcase/trunk, and the final portion is Jack and Oddfellow teaming up to create the Infernal Carnival of Nightmares. Most of this house after the first portion felt like the spiritual successor to 2011's The In-Between, but without the 3D. There was lots of black-light, a room with glow-in-the-dark string/yarn you had to pass through, a short spinning tunnel (or as I lovingly call it: The Vomit Tunnel. This year it's accomplished by a wrap-around screen and isn't as disorienting or dizzying as previous iterations), and a slanted floor room. I was very impressed by this house, but thought the Dr. Oddfellow's Twisted Origins house from HHN 32 was better themed and scarier.

RATING: 4/5

FINAL THOUGHTS

HHN 33 had really destroyed my expectations and hopes for Halloween Horror Nights. While HHN 35 doesn't rank as one of the best years I've attended, it's still one of the better event years of late. It felt like classic HHN, even though it could definitely use more fog (I appreciate some of the houses had a good deal of fog and that you could usually smell the fog while waiting in line. The scarezones had minimal fog, which was very disappointing). I also found the event to not be all that scary, even though I might just be desensitized by this point (I have attended fourteen years, after all).  This year served to rekindle my faith in Halloween Horror Nights and proved the creatives could still put on a quality product. I SAY BRING ON HHN 36!!!

RATING: 4/5 

SCAREZONE RANKINGS

1. DOWNTOWN CLOWNTOWN

2. FORTNIGHTMARES

3. SIDESHOW OF DECAY

4. INFERNAL CARNIVAL OF NIGHTMARES

5. CHAINSAW HORDE

6. MEL'S DIE-IN ZOMBIES

7. CLUB HORROR

HAUNTED HOUSE RANKINGS

1. MADLAND: CAGED CANNIBALS

2. HELLRAISER

3. H.R. BLOODENGUTZ PRESENTS: A HALLOWEEN FRIGHT-TACULAR

4. JACK AND ODDFELLOW: CHAOS AND CONTROL

5. CYBERGORIA

6. OZZY OSBOURNE: PRINCE OF DARKNESS

7. EVIL DEAD BURN

8. INVASION: ALIEN ABDUCTION

9. SINNERS

10. STRANGER THINGS 5

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: LATE REVIEW FOR EVIL DEAD BURN

 Evil runs in the family.

Alice (Souheila Yacoub) and Will (George Pullar) are unhappily married. Will has a cruel rage that is often directed at her. When Will dies by Deadite, Alice is invited to a family get together in his memory by Will's kind but cowardly brother, Joe (Hunter Doohan), who aspires to be a writer. While at the family home, Alice has to reluctantly rub elbows with matriarch Susan (Tandi Wright), Joe's girlfriend Thya (Lucianne Buchanan), rage-a-holic patriarch Edgar (Erroll Shand ), and Alzheimer's ridden grandma Polly (Maude Davey). 

Unfortunately for Alice, everyone gathered there hates her (except for Joe and Thya) and she knows it. When Joe's research for his first book unearths his family's connection to the Deadites, he uncovers a dagger that can stop them. Sensing their Kryptonite has been discovered, the Deadites lay siege to the house, possessing and mutilating anyone who stands in their way. Their mission: destroy the dagger at any cost.

Sébestien Vanicek directs this latest outing in the Evil Dead franchise and mostly does not disappoint. He co-pens the screenplay with Florent Bernard. The aim this time is to up the violence/brutality and to find a way to connect all the previous Evil Dead films together. He excels at both of these. The cinematography by Philip Lozano and editing by Maxime Caro are superb, creative, and playful as well. It’s also appreciated that fire plays a large role in the film, giving this movie the reason for its title. 

The violence this go-round is the best/worst and the most disturbing in the entire franchise. Sébestian is French, and the mutilations and deaths border on being on the same level as those found in the films of the New French Extremity. This isn’t torture porn, but the violence found here is grueling, mean, and sadistic (there is a really bad and distracting CGI effect near the end, though). Dog lovers would be wise to sit this one out. While it wasn’t exactly my cup of tea, I have to commend Vanicek for going all the way and not holding back (except for the dog murder. You wrong for that, dude). 

Another problematic aspect is the way Polly is handled. Her Alzheimer’s is often used as a punchline. While one instance of this was easily the funniest joke of the whole movie, the Alzheimer’s jokes didn’t sit well with me overall. Alzheimer’s is a serious, terrible disease. It’s no laughing matter, I would know since it runs in my family. 

The stand-outs acting wise were Souheila Yacoub as Alice, Hunter Doohan as Joe, Lucianne Buchanan as Thya, and Erroll Shand as Edgar. Shand as Edgar is particularly scary, even before he becomes a Deadite. His underlying rage is always bubbling under the surface, threatening to boil over. Lucian’s Buchanan most impresses as her Deadite form, where she is essentially Burn’s version of Mia from Evil Dead 2013. The way she is prepared for her Deadite possession is particularly mean and extensive as well.  

Hunter Doohan is very likable as Joe, whom is the closest we’ve gotten to Ash from the first Evil Dead in the modern day. I do love me a good coward, and Doohan plays the role exceptionally well (I would have liked more development for his role though).  Souheila Yacoub is an empathetic presence as Alice, who finds herself torn between self-preservation and feeling obligated to assist this rotten, borderline cursed family. She gets the sharp end of the knife  quite a bit here and the abuse she takes is sure to make you wince. 

There is a good deal to recommend here, but unfortunately Burn winds up feeling a bit empty by the end. Characters aren’t fully fleshed out and the plot is pretty thin. You won’t really care about most of the characters when they are in danger. Luckily all the backstory, lore, and family connections are incredibly strong and cool.

Evil Dead Burn fits nicely into the Evil Dead franchise even if it is pretty different from previous Evil Dead movies tonally. It does share some similarities with the previous entry, Evil Dead Rise. Both films deal heavily with themes of family, and in both movies you get to watch the complete and total disintegration of a family unit. This one’s purely for the fans, so if you are unfamiliar with the Evil Dead films this would not be a good place to start. 

Evil Dead Burn is a flawed film, but what it does well, it does really well. This is one of the less fun entries in the franchise (the mutilations and deaths are not fun to watch), but it’s still a mostly solid entry regardless. The focus here is on the brutality and finding connective tissue between the films, which means the plot and character development often come up lacking. That said, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love this movie. Evil Dead Burn is worth a watch if you think you have the stomach for it. This one might traumatize you.

4 STARS

SMALLS SEES EVERYTHING WITH YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING

Documentary of the decade? You Can See Everything is an intoxicating mixture of The Rehearsal and an actual documentary. The results are likely to make your head hurt (in a good way). Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim are given unprecedented, full, unrestricted access to the life of Elizabeth Holmes and her boyfriend Billy Evans one month before she is to turn herself in for her 11-year federal prison sentence. 

A thoroughly engrossing and totally engaging character study of two real life villains and their relationship. There are several shocking surprises in the second half that turn this documentary into an unexpected thriller as Nathan Fielder attempts to peel back the layers of both Holmes and Evans, trying to discover the truth of it all. You Can See Everything is close to three hours long, but it’s never boring. I’m not sure what I would cut to make it shorter as not a minute is wasted. 

Lance Oppenheim and Nathan Fielder are the power duo of the year. By the end this isn’t just a portrait of an odd relationship, it’s also a documentary about documentaries. Check it out and see if you can uncover the truth for yourself!

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: SMALLS' GOES BACK TO CAMP AT CRYSTAL LAKE

 It's been seventeen long years, but Camp Crystal Lake is FINALLY back open!! In Crystal Lake, Pamela Vorhees (Linda Cardellini) attempts to recover from the trauma of losing her beloved son, Jason (11-year-old Jason is played by Callum Vinson), in a tragic drowning incident nine months earlier. When Camp Crystal Lake is revealed to be re-opening for the summer season, Pamela begins to spiral. Meanwhile, Sheriff Levon Brooks (William Catlett) and Officer Dorfman (Cameron Scoggins) attempt to solve the mystery of two dead bodies they find in the woods. Their investigation leads them to the truth behind the origins of Pamela and Jason. 

Crystal Lake is a comfortably familiar yet bold new take on the Friday the 13th franchise. It's spearheaded by Brad Caleb Kane, who also helped write four episodes. The other writers include Evan Endicott (two episodes), Josh Stoddard (two episodes), Karl Taro Greenfeld (one episode), Laura Marks (one episode), and Jen Silverman (one episode). As for the directors, they include Logan George (co-directed three episodes), Celine Held (co-directed three episodes), Michael Lennox (two episodes), and Quyen Tran (two episodes). 

Crystal Lake is set in 1971 to 1972, a good eight or nine years before the first Friday the 13th film (Yes, this does directly contradict the canon year of Jason’s drowning, 1957, but I’m ok with the change). From the costumes by Cristina Spiridakis to the general attitudes and sensibilities of the characters to the multiple 70s cultural references, the show looks and feels authentic to the time period. The show was filmed in Jersey City, West Milford, Clifton, and Blairstown. Some parts were even filmed at Camp No-Be-Bo-Sco, the original location of Camp Crystal Lake in the first Friday the 13th movie. The town of Crystal Lake looks exactly like the town in the first two to three Friday the 13th films. Everything looks accurate to how it was in the beloved film franchise.

Familiar characters make a return including Trudy (Bernadette Quigley), Claudette (Danielle Kotch), Barry (Phoenix Parnevik), Officer Dorfman/Dorf (Cameron Scoggins), Steve Christy (Dan Thompson), John Christy (Brian J. Carter), Kay Christy (Nancy Nagrant), and Crazy Ralph (Nick Cordileone). Zachary Branch plays a very cool surprise character.  Nick Cordileone is absolutely perfect as Ralph. He looks and acts the part, and every time he is on screen is an absolute joy. Long live the GOAT!! Dorf is a mostly ineffectual and dumb deputy who has an interesting friendship with the sheriff. He shines most during the last episode. 

Linda Cardellini is fantastic and gripping as Pamela Vorhees. She doesn't get quite as many murderous or unhinged scenes as you might expect, but she sparkles every second she is on screen. Surprisingly, the stand-out of the cast might be William Catlett as Sheriff Levon Brooks. Brooks gets a good backstory and has numerous funny one-liners. His character arc is very engaging and interesting and he’s an all-around lovable character.

Gwendolyn Sundstrom plays Grace, Jason’s best friend. She gets a good deal of meat to chew on and an interesting and unexpected character arc. Drew Scheid (aka Oscar from Halloween 2018) plays a minor role as Shutterbug, a camera-loving member of a hippie group. He plays his role very well and is not annoying like he was in Halloween 2018. Hamish Linklater plays Elias Wittering, a threatening and mysterious man from Pamela's past. As per usual, he does a fantastic job and his character is multi-layered. 

Crystal Lake is trying to act as a prequel to the first Friday the 13th film and an origin story for the characters of Pamela and Jason Vorhees. The origin aspect likely has some fans worried, and for good reason. Normally, it's best to leave things unexplained instead of trying to shoe-horn in an explanation. Luckily, the exploration of Jason's origins actually work. I agree that the origin and explanation are unneeded, but the answers they cook up actually make sense and fit with what we know about Jason and have witnessed him do. I'd actually accept the explanation here as canon (Not saying I consider the answers to be canon, but if I were asked to accept them as such, I would). 

Those walking in to Crystal Lake expecting bloodshed and murder won't get much of what they are looking for. There are some deaths and mutilations, but these are few and far between. When they occur, they are of quality and are satisfying, but that's not what Crystal Lake is most interested in. This is a drama and a mystery first and foremost (Shouldn't be surprising since this is an A24 production). Those hoping for some Jason action...well, I'm not going to spoil anything. All I'll say is you'll have to tune in to find out.

Crystal Lake likely isn't what most are expecting or want. After close to two decades of absence, people want Jason. This series is focused squarely on Pamela Vorhees, which might perturb some. There is some satisfying, impressive, and well-done bloodshed sprinkled sparingly throughout, but the majority of this series is following Pamela's dark spiral, exploring her character, and uncovering her past. In case you forgot, most of the first Friday the 13th was just camp shenanigans, so the minimal deaths really didn't bother me. 

The drama, mystery, and story for Crystal Lake are all very well done. This series won't be to everyone's tastes, but what it does, it does incredibly well. While it's not a perfect series, it's still mostly great.  It all adds up to an immensely entertaining, fun, engrossing, and occasionally bloody good time at camp.  Hopefully if this series does well we can get more of Jason doing his thing in the future. 

4 STARS

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: DON'T TAKE CARRIE 2026 TO THE PROM

SPOILERS!!!!

What starts out as a 4 star show for the first 3 to 4 episodes, ends as a 2 star show by the last. The entire cast gives strong performances (except Thalia Dudek as Emmaline, fuck that c**t…Emmaline, not Thalia), and the editing is exceptional at times. As far as adaptations go, this series gets some things right (really appreciate that they destroy the entire town at the end like the novel does), but a whole lot wrong (like never allowing Carrie to be a monster, even during her climactic murder spree they give her an easy out as she’s allowing Emmaline to “take the wheel”).

So much is added in order to make this into a series that by the end it barely feels like Carrie any more. From a coven that the show insists is a force for good even though the results say otherwise, to a vicious instagram account run by Chris Hargensen, to Margaret White starting a SJW crusade (yes, really), and more. This series wants to bring Carrie into the modern day, making the whole thing about how impossible it is to be a teen these days. Unfortunately, the effort is wasted. Flanagan usually is the best when it comes to adapting Stephen King, but he strikes out big time here. Carrie 2026 is easily the worst adaptation of the source material so far.

2 STARS

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: TEENAGE SEX AND DEATH AT CAMP MIASMA

 “This is your place.”

“Now if it gets too real, you can always turn it off.”

“Let’s do it. Let’s make a movie.”

Miasma- an oppressive or unpleasant atmosphere which surrounds or emanates from something.

In Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma , we follow Kris Williams (Hannah Einbinder), a young gender-fluid filmmaker who has been tasked with crafting a remake/lega-sequel/reboot of the undead 80s slasher franchise, Camp Miasma (a horror film hybrid of Sleepaway Camp and Friday the 13th with a killer named Little Death, a clear reference to climaxing). A mega fan of the franchise, Kris struggles to find her own unique take on the project.  She travels to the location used for the titular camp in the movies, Camp Tivoli, now owned by the original film’s starring actress Billy Presley.

Billy has turned into a Norma Desmond-esque recluse who is obsessed with the first film and spends her free time painting and drawing. Kris aims to talk to Billy, whom she wants to appear in her film, and hopefully find some creative inspiration. As the two form an intense relationship, Kris finds herself delving deep into her own psyche, unlocking trauma, desire, and repression along the way. 

Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma is queer wunderkind Jane Schoenbrun’s latest filmic fantasy. They use a filmic language to convey emotions and themes throughout. Schoenbrun is a long-time fan of the horror genre, something they fearlessly make known by lovingly sprinkling their film with references and deep cuts to horror films of the past. Some could argue Teenage Sex and Death relies a little too heavily on the references, but luckily Jane has more on their mind here. They explore the interconnectedness of sex and violence in horror films, the modern horror movie landscape, the relationship between queerness and horror movies, the prevalence of meta-textual commentary in the horror pictures of today, the melding of real life and movies that occurs for many super-fans of film, horror audiences’ subconscious wants and desires, and so much more.

As per usual, Schoenbrun writes and directs with passion and enthusiasm. They continue to display a very unique and personal voice you don’t see very often. They remain a true generational talent. The multiple needle drops featured here help to establish a sense of tone and place that, much like in ‘I Saw the TV Glow’, draws the viewer in and places them under Schoenbrun’s spell. Eric Yue is cinematographer and consistently wows with his visuals. The film often looks like our leads have stepped foot into a painting. Matt Hyland and Brandon Tonner share production designer duties and craft backgrounds, landscapes, and sets that look gorgeously fake and perfectly filmic. The editing by Graham Mason is stellar as well.

Hannah Einbinder makes for a very cute and likable lead as Kris, whom most horror fans will likely be able to relate to. It’s easy to get invested in Kris’ journey as she struggles to create her own unique film while dodging studio interference and the demands of her agent, fellow creatives, and actors. Gillian Anderson (affecting a classic, filmic, transatlantic accent), however, is the real star here as Billy. She makes her character kooky and unpredictable, keeping audiences on their toes as to what she will do next, the secrets she may or may not be hiding, and her motivations. Anderson easily commands the screen, and when she’s on it’s hard to tear your eyes away from her.

Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma is another hypnotic and transportive movie from Jane Schoenbrun. Don’t expect your typical horror film as this is more about Kris’ psyche than following a slasher-killer. It’s very talkative and cerebral, and is painfully unique, original, and fearless. It’s quite unlike any movie I’ve seen this year so far and will likely remain that way. Schoenbrun makes exactly the movie they want to make. There are quite a few unexpected and out-there scenes throughout (such as an extended portion where we get to watch a good deal of the original Camp Miasma with our leads). Did I mention this film is also fun and cool as hell? The bigger a fan of horror you are, the more likely it is you will enjoy this wild, weird, and meaningful little flick (same goes double if you’re queer).

4.5 STARS