IS THE MAGIC BACK?

 Recently, I’ve been bitching about the Disney Company. Well, I’ve been forced to eat crow. It would seem that they have started taking steps in the right direction. The D23 Parks panel happened last night. First off: Nothing was announced about our Space Mountain, so it seems my girl is safe for now. THANK GOD. With that out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the announcements and updates that came out of the event.

CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS: Bryan Cranston and Jamie Lee Curtis confirmed to voice Father and Mother at the new Carousel of Progress! It re-opens late Spring 2027!

SPACESHIP EARTH: Spaceship Earth update announced. New magic brought to every scene and a new story about progress made through human connection. The update will be “classically EPCOT”.

EXPEDITION EVEREST: Yeti is announced to be returning to movement at Disney’s Animal Kingdom!!!! That’s right, they are going to be fixing the Yeti!!! IT’S A DISNEY MIRACLE!!!!!

AVENGERS:INFINITY FORCE AND STARK FLIGHT LABS : Robert Downey will be reprising his role of Tony Stark/Iron Man for Avengers: Infinity Defense and Stark Flight Lab! The sets for Avengers: Infinity Defense look larger than life. Chris Hemsworth will also return as Thor, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and Anthony Mackie as Captain America for Avengers. Brie Larson will return as Captain Marvel for Stark Flight Lab. Both attractions will open at Disney’s California Adventure in 2028.

INDIANA JONES ATTRACTION: Harrison Ford will be the model for the Indiana Jones at the new Indy ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. The ride will be called Indiana Jones and the Myth of the Jade Serpent. Riders will explore an ancient Mayan temple in the 1950s, and will learn about Mayan culture and how it connects to nature. The ride will focus on a portal to the Mayan underworld and will feature gigantic mythological creatures including monstrous bats, scorpions, and serpents.

ENCANTO ATTRACTION: The Encanto ride is called Antonio’s Fiesta de Casita and all the voice actors will be returning. There will be more than 50 animals in the ride. There is no height requirement.

NEW CARS RIDE: The name of the new Cars ride coming to Magic Kingdom is Cars Ridge Run Rally. It will feature a variety of different environments including a ride up a mountain, through snowy peaks, down rough valleys, and through geysers.

MONSTROPOLIS: The show replacing Muppetvision is called Welcome to Monstropolis starring Mike and Sulley. Mike is planning a small homespun show but Sully has bigger plans. The idea is to show humans that monsters aren’t so different from us. The show will feature the first song Randy Newman has written for a Disney park.

Harryhaussen’s restaurant will feature a sushi chef AA.

In the Monsters Inc. door coaster, riders will be lifted 40ft in the air within 4 seconds and launched into the coaster.

The new Monsters Inc land at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will open next year, with the door coaster opening later!!!

VILLAINS LAND MAGIC KINGDOM: The name for Villains Land will be…VILLAINS LAND. The story for the land is entirely new. We enter through a dark forest where we encounter a broken wishing well. The forest is corrupted by the wishing wells toxic magic, created by a twisted wish. Cruella, Facilier, and more are drawn to the magic and use it to create a place for themselves. The coaster will be themed to Maleficent and will ride through her twisted briar. The second attraction will be a boat ride through the Evil Queen’s castle’s bowels, where we encounter the magic mirror and are sucked into the spirit realm.

So incredible to see Glen Close return as Cruella for D23!!! She’s still got it!!! In character, she demands Disney build a ride for Cruella but Disney doesn’t confirm that ride is coming.

TOMORROWLAND: Disneyland’s Tomorrowland is going to be re-imagined with optimism including new attractions.

JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT RE-DO: A new Journey into Imagination with Figment and Dreamfinder will debut at EPCOT!!!!

So, as you can see, the future of the Disney parks is looking surprisingly bright. It would seem the new management/creative leadership is back on the right path. So yes, I will admit that I might have jumped the gun with my complaints. If they are able to pull all of these off (and I think there’s a good chance they will), you can consider me a Dis-Fan again. Please don’t prove me wrong, Disney.

ICE CREAM MAN MELTS IN YOUR HANDS, NOT YOUR MOUTH

I did not scream.

Let’s address the AI controversy first. There is indeed a moderate amount of AI used throughout the movie, both in animated sequences and live-action ones. I counted at least 15 shots that might have used AI (I only counted 2 kills that might have used AI. Most of the kills seem to rely on practical effects. It has been confirmed AI was used for the animated sequences and for a flashback scene, so the rest is speculation) . When the AI is there, it’s there for literally seconds at a time, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. This flick was clearly made on a very low budget, but that’s still not an excuse.

As for the quality of the film itself… it’s pretty bad. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man plays like an uninspired riff on The Crazies, but with homicidal ice cream crazed kids murdering all the adults in their town. It feels like one of those fake trailers that played before Grindhouse. There is no story or character development and the acting sucks across the board. 

Eli Roth gets a supporting role as the dad of our main kid. He’s mostly featured in a needless dinner scene that exists solely for padding. Charles Zeltzer is Jared, our lead. Like the rest of the actors, he’s not a great but is likable enough. Dylan Hawco plays Chris, our dime-store dim-witted Zach Effron who isn’t given much to do but be a romantic interest for one of our leads. 

Ari Millen as the mute Ice Cream Man (and no, we are never given a reason for why he doesn’t speak) is one of the only actors/characters with some presence. He is given a lame and weird backstory, but it’s never explained what he does to the ice cream to curse it (yes, the ice cream is literally cursed or demonic. The characters say this out right in the third act). It also doesn’t help that he isn’t given much to do. Charlie Storey as Piper, one of the Ice Cream kids is the only other character/actor with a bit of presence.  

The kills are entertaining enough, but that’s really all the film has going for it. The screenplay by Eli Roth and Noah Belson is painfully sub-par as well (I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if AI helped with the screenplay too). There’s an uncomfortable joke about a 12 year old with Bulemia. One semi-positive is one scene where Roth attempts to pay homage to the famous playground scene from The Birds, but even that fails to nail the landing.

Complete with an insulting and stupid non-ending, Ice Cream Man is the kind of horror film people who hate horror films think horror films are. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man literally just exists for mindless kills and gore. A shame, considering the core idea is actually pretty great. Ice Cream Man is basically just a visual effects sizzle reel. I don’t think Eli Roth will be able to bounce back after this.

1 STAR

IS SPACE MOUNTAIN NEXT???

 Ok, gather round kiddos, it's story time!!!

Back when I was a small kid, I used to be absolutely terrified of roller coasters. Like, literally paralyzed with fear. It was to the point where I did not ride Space Mountain at The Magic Kingdom until I was 18 years old. I was going to wait for my family at the Peoplemover escalators until they rode it and came back. I remember waiting, growing impatient, and finally deciding SCREW IT!!! 

That day, I rode Space Mountain for the first time all by myself, without my family or any friends. When I got off, I met back up with my very confused family at the escalators and informed them of the reason for my absence: I had FINALLY conquered a ride that had terrified me for so long. This would jump start an odd pattern where every big ride I conquered (Dr. Doom's Fear Fall, Dueling Dragons/Dragon's Challenge, The Incredible Hulk Coaster, Rock 'n' Roller Coaster, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, Velocicoaster) I would go on for the first time without my family present. I never plan these first-times to be without family, it's just the way they have always panned out.  While Space Mountain didn't cure me of my fear of coasters (That would happen with my first ride on Hulk 3 or 4 years later), I did immediately fall in love with this very special roller coaster. 

Space Mountain is actually a very important coaster. When it opened at The Magic Kingdom on January 15, 1975 it was the first ever fully enclosed roller coaster in the dark.. In other words, it was the first roller coaster to take place fully inside/indoors. It was also the first roller coaster to be fully controlled by a computer. To this day, very little has changed about the ride. 

The track layout remains the same, but the cars have been updated (the coaster cars that terrified me so as a child used to have glow-in-the dark strips on the side that I always thought made them look like shooting stars as I passed by on the Peoplemover. Those strips have since been removed), music has been added for the actual ride portion, and the moving walkway exit has been gutted. The original exit featured a moving walkway through scenes themed to space and the future. I always highly enjoyed this feature, as I found it to be comfortable, relaxing, and convenient. The walkway was ripped out in 2018 and replaced by *drumroll* carpet, meaning now you'd have to traverse the lengthy exit corridor on foot. BOO!!!!! Besides some changes, alterations, and removals, Space Mountain is much the same roller coaster guests rode back on opening day fifty-one years ago. 

Now, as current leadership has repeatedly shown, they aren't satisfied unless they are killing off all vestiges of classic Disney. Current unconfirmed rumors suggest Space Mountain might be next on the chopping block. Supposedly, Space Mountain is due for a complete track refurb. This has been done numerous times and normally entails replacing the entire track but retaining the original ride layout. This time, however, might be much different. 

The rumors are claiming that the entire queue, coaster cars, load stations, and track layout are to receive a full re-do (or as multiple outlets have worded it: a "reimagining"). This means the iconic, calming queue music might get the axe. This would also imply that the queue would have a different look and layout. Finally, this would mean that the entire coaster experience would be different from what the ride is today, as the track would follow a 100% different path. They might even get rid of the current two-track layout and make it one single track ala Disneyland's Space Mountain. Some other crazy rumors I've been hearing include: a new ride-building (no more iconic triangular Space Mountain building), Vekoma would be in charge of the re-do, the ride might go much faster (as in maybe 60mph instead of the current 27 mph), and it might be a launch coaster. UNFORGIVABLE!!! HOW LONG ARE THESE FUCKING BASTARDS GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS???!!! 

Space Mountain is my personal favorite coaster at Walt Disney World (Not the best, that honor goes to Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind). It is one of the rare rides that has personal meaning for me, as it initiated my still-ongoing journey with roller coasters. It was a large, foreboding part of my childhood and conquering it is still one of my core memories. Modern day Disney has no care for their fans or the history of their parks and attractions; all they care about is updating every single fucking thing that's deemed to be old or outdated, and if they don't care to update said old thing, then they just crumple it up and throw it away without a care or thought. Now, once again, nothing has been confirmed as of yet and there is the possibility that I'm just over-reacting. I sincerely hope that is the case, but until we get more details or a denial, I'll be over here spiraling.   

MINIONS AND MONSTERS IS ABSOLUTE CINEMA

 In Minions and Monsters, James (a minion) loves to tell stories. When he and his fellow Minions land in Hollywood, they fall in love with the art of making movies. James finds his calling in filmmaking, and dreams of winning an Oscar one day. It isn’t long before the Minions become stars of the silent film era. When Hollywood makes the transition to Talkies, the Minions are cast out due to their inability to speak English.

Dick, the harsh and abrasive leader of the Minions, takes most of them on a quest to find their next villainous boss. James and his friends, the loyal Henry and the hard of hearing Ed (who speaks in his own form of sign language), stay behind to dream up a monster movie in the hopes that might be their way back into Hollywood. When James, Henry, and Ed summon Goomi (Trey Parker), a pint-sized Cthulu-esque monster, the tiny terror promises to help them free his monster friends so James can make his big movie. Unfortunately, Goomi is nicknamed “The Deceiver” for good reason. He plans to trick our trio of Minions into summoning a Blob-esque monstrosity named Irene, who is also known as The Eater of Worlds.

An unabashed love letter to film, the history of film, silent films, sci-fi pictures, and monster movies. Minions and Monsters is chock full of references to classic movies (such as The Muybridge Experiment, From the Earth to the Moon, Modern Times, E.T., Citizen Kane, The Great Train Robbery, The Matrix, Safety Last!, and more), and famous actors and directors (including George Lucas, Charlie Chaplain, and Buster Keaton, just to name a few). It even opens with the very first logo for Universal Studios (which I had never seen before). 

Pierre Coffin voices all of the Minions, co-pens the screenplay with Brian Lynch, and directs. He does an excellent job at each. You can feel the passion and love for the film he is making as well as film itself in every frame. The voice cast is surprisingly stacked. Allison Janey voices the narrator (named Olivia), Jesse Eisenberg voices Dort (The Minion’s latest ‘Big Boss’), Jeff Bridges voices Frank and Elwood Bright (Owners of the movie studio the Minions were employed at), Trey Parker voices Goomi (and sounds very much like Cartman throughout), Christoph Waltz voices Max (The director for many of the films the Minions star in, he kindly takes James under his wing and encourages him to follow his passion), and George Lucas voices himself (in a cameo). 

Minions and Monsters is the best an Illumination film has ever looked, thanks to the work of art director Charlotte Hutchinson. The scenes of old Hollywood are sumptuous and the entire movie has a borderline French look to it. Simply put, it looks consistently beautiful and gorgeous. The 3-D doesn’t add much to the proceedings, but Minions and Monsters still looks colorful and pretty in this format, meaning you won’t waste your hard earned dollar should you opt for the extra dimension. The score by John Powell is beautiful as well, with plenty of homages to classic Hollywood scores and songs (like ‘Hooray for Hollywood’ or the ‘Casablanca’ theme). The score is also Illumination’s best. 

The only real complaint is that the second act drags a bit. Dick and the minions follow Dort around (who strikes up a very cute relationship with Suffragette Debbie, voiced by Zoey Deutch). Meanwhile, Goomi takes James, Henry, and Ed to a far off island where two of his monster pals are frozen. These portions aren’t unwatchable, but they don’t captivate like what came before and what comes after. You shouldn’t feel the length of a ninety minute movie, but you start to during these parts.

Cinephiles should find much to delight in here, but this is more than just a film about film. There is a strong undercurrent involving friendship, following your dreams, and how there is nothing you can’t do if you dedicate yourself to a purpose and have good friends to support you. There is plenty of the zaniness/silliness you have come to expect from those chaotic little bastards known as the Minions, but this third outing in the Minions franchise surprises with its charm, sweetness, and earnestness. It’s easy to become invested in the friendship between James and Henry, and it’s this friendship that, unexpectedly, is the beating heart of the movie.

Minions and Monsters is a totally winsome film. It’s very possible this little beauty will not only get kids to fall in love with film, it very well might inspire a whole new generation to try their hands at filmmaking. The visual gags land more than they miss, the humor and chaos is strong, and this one can hit you lightly in the feels with it’s themes about friendship and following your dreams no matter what. Minions and Monsters celebrates both the big names and the underdogs of film. There is plenty here for both adults, kids, and film obsessives to love and enjoy, making Minions and Monsters the rare superb Illumination film.

4.5 STARS

BITCHING ABOUT THE MOUSE

 My opinion about Walt Disney World has continually degraded since 2020. I had been frustrated with the direction of the company since 2010. The frustration turned into downright anger in 2020, where one terrible decision created a domino effect for the company. Before we get to that decision though, let's quickly talk about Maelstrom and Frozen Ever After. 

MAELSTROM/FROZEN EVER AFTER

Maelstrom was the name of the popular and cult classic Norway boat ride. Maelstrom would take guests on a brief thrilling boat ride through the myths of Norway including, prominently, angry trolls. The main feature of the ride was an iconic backwards portion that ended with the back of guest's boats sailing partially outside the building and into view of waiting guests.  Maelstrom would close in 2014 to make way for a, let's be honest, cheap overlay themed to Frozen. When Frozen Ever After opened in 2016, guests found that the backwards portion remained intact, but the outdoor opening had been crudely shuttered. 

The audio-animatronics featured in the attraction had screen-projection faces, which guests openly rebelled against. EPCOT would replace the screen-projected faces in late 2025 with classic physical faces, everyone thought that Disney had learned their lesson, but we would later be proven wrong. In 2017, Disney made another questionable decision by closing The Great Movie Ride for Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railroad. This attraction I have been able to go on, and while it's nowhere near as good as The great Movie Ride, I still loved it. Now, onto that terrible company altering decision. 

SPLASH MOUNTAIN/TIANA'S

In 2020, amidst the George Floyd protests, Disney caved to angry white people and announced the permanent closure of Splash Mountain for Tiana's Bayou Adventure. Walt Disney World stated the official reason for the closure was racist undertones/overtones within Splash Mountain. The only issue with this stated reason for closure is that Splash Mountain did not have any complaints about racism within the attraction for the decades it had been open before then. Having been on the attraction many times during my visits to Walt Disney World, I can attest to this fact myself. 

There was nothing racist about Splash Mountain. True, it was adapted from an incredibly racist film called Song of the South, but just because something is adapted from racist source material doesn't mean that the adaptation is automatically racist as well. For example: Splash Mountain removed all traces of the Tar Baby from the ride, thereby erasing one of the most problematic aspects of the movie and the original Brer Rabbit stories. Tiana's was announced to be set after the events of Princess and the Frog.

 Walt Disney World later confirmed that the fan favorite villain Dr. Facilier would not make an appearance in the ride. Why? Because Disney didn't want to scare small children. The only problem with this was that the ride still features a 50ft fall. Regardless of Disney removing Dr. Facilier, the ride would still scare youngsters due to it being, you know, A THRILL RIDE!!!

 By removing the good doctor, the ride would lose all pacing and tension, the falls no longer making sense within the story that is being told. Now, it's Mama Odie who sends us down the big fall because...reasons. Tiana's would feature some incredible, brand-new Audio-Animatronics but these would prove to be incredibly problematic as they suffer from frequent breakdowns and as of this writing aren't in the best of shape. It's almost like if Disney didn't kow-tow to the angry mob, the attraction would be in much better shape today. Instead, they carelessly tore out one of the iconic, defining attractions of the Disney parks (With Splash closing down in 2023 and Tiana's opening in 2024). They even went so far as to remove Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah from all park music loops. It's almost like they want to pretend that Splash Mountain never existed. To this day, I still have not been on Tiana's. 

COUNTRY BEAR JAMBOREE AND THE HAUNTED MANSION

Disney would also completely update The Country Bear Jamboree in 2024 because of supposedly offensive material in the original show (See: Liver Lips McGraw, Blood on the Saddle, Mama Don't Whoop Lil' Beauford), creating brand new animatronics and turning the Jamboree into a sing-along featuring Country Music versions of classic Disney tunes. I don't take as much offense with this update as I feel it could have turned out so much worse than it did. 

As it stands, I have not seen the current version in person, but judging from Youtube videos, it looks like the new Jamboree is enjoyable and watchable. In 2022, Walt Disney World added a much-requested fan-favorite lost ghost to The Haunted Mansion: The Hatbox Ghost would be added, but the placement of the new audio-animatronic would perturb some fans. The Hatbox Ghost was added to the hallway with the floating candelabra. The issue this time was that placing Hatbox here directly contradicts the story and flow of the Mansion. 

Traditionally, the first half of The Haunted Mansion features allusions to ghosts, but we don't see any full-bodied specters until madam Leota does her seance. Placing Hatbox in the first act therefore contradicts the established story. I suppose you could argue that Imagineers were following the story of the new Haunted Mansion movie where Hatbox is the villain and is unaffected by Leota's powers. Unfortunately, that film was fairly poorly received (I liked it!), so you could easily claim that choosing to make elements of that film canon was a bad idea. This is another addition I have not seen in person yet, though I'm more ambivalent on this one. From the videos I've seen, I think the figure looks great but agree that his placement wasn't the best. 

TOM SAWYER ISLAND/RIVERS OF AMERICA/THE LIBERTY BELLE

In 2025, Tom Sawyer Island, The Liberty Belle Riverboat, and The Rivers of America would all permanently close to make way for a new Cars Land complete with two new attractions. While the land is still under construction, I am not happy with how this played out. Cars simply does not fit into Frontierland, no matter how much Disney tries to retroactively change the meaning and theme of Frontierland. Magic Kingdom was built with the Rivers of America in mind, and having a body of water in the park helps to make the surroundings cooler (in temperature). I understand that Tom Sawyer Island and The Liberty Belle were not popular attractions and that the demolition was done in an effort to add capacity to the park, but this was still not a wise move. 

By ripping out the Rivers of America, they have fundamentally changed the look and structure of the entire Magic Kingdom park. I know it's a moot point by now, but Walt would not be pleased. Magic Kingdom will never again look like the park I grew up with. I know you could say the same thing about the closure of the 20000 Leagues Under the Sea lagoon, but my point still stands. 

MUPPET*VISION 3D AND MUPPETS COASTER

2025 had another prominent closure of a beloved attraction: Muppet*Vision 3D. This shuttering hit hard due to this being the last project Jim Henson ever touched before his untimely death. Muppet*Vision 3D and the surrounding Muppet Courtyard were to be demolished for a new Monsters Inc. area that is to feature a hanging door coaster. While the demolition pissed off many fans (myself included), there was a light on the horizon. Disney would close Rock 'n' Roller Coaster in 2025 to make way for a Muppet overlay in 2026. 

While some fans were displeased with the final product (The coaster is a poor fit for the Muppets due to its intensity, they scream) and while I haven't ridden it yet, judging from Youtube vids, it looks like the rare W for Walt Disney World in recent years. The re-theming was done with a lot of passion for the Muppets, the new pre-show features a Scooter AA along with limited movement Penguin AAs, and Statler and Waldorf even get a brief cameo at the end of the ride. Some props from Muppet*Vision 3D made it into the queue, load area, and gift shop, such as the old poster of a Muppet-fied Jim Henson. I've always seen Rock 'n' Roller Coaster as a coaster that is meant to act as a steppingstone to the 'Big Boy' coasters like Hulk and Velocicoaster. I also feel the "intensity" perfectly fits the madcap mayhem the Muppets are known for. 

TEST TRACK 3.0, ANIMATION COURTYARD, AND CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS

In 2025, Walt Disney World re-opened Test Track with a brand new re-theme. I already posted a mini-review for it, but I'll just repeat that it's another rare W for Walt Disney World and is likely the best version of the attraction we've gotten. This year, Walt Disney World unveiled their re-theme of Animation Courtyard. I haven't seen this yet, but just going off the pictures taken, I think it's yet another W for Walt Disney World. The area feels much more open with some fake grass placed here and there. 

There are many references to classic Disney animated characters, and figurines of some of these characters are placed about the area, some in easy to see spots and others in more hidden areas. This is one many weren't expecting much out of, and it seems most were pleasantly surprised. It's the rare time where Disney over-delivered. Just recently Walt Disney World closed down the Carousel of Progress for a complete overhaul with brand new scenes and new AAs (including one of Walt Disney himself). I already spoke my thoughts on this in an earlier post and they remain the same. There are other attractions that are more in need of an update than Carousel was, and I'm very much hurt I never got to say a final farewell. 

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

For the final update to discuss, we trek over to Disneyland in Anaheim, California to check out what the Imagineers and corporate did to the original classic: Pirates of the Caribbean. This directly relates back to the projected faces on Frozen Ever After and the placement of the Hatbox Ghost in Haunted Mansion. In the cave scenes, the powers that be removed the skeleton atop a mound of treasure and replaced him with a new AA with a screen-projected face. This is yet another change I have yet to see in person, but from everything I've seen...it looks (and sounds) BAD. 

According to Imagineering, this is the same character as before, but now we're getting to see how he became a skeleton. The idea of the pirate being caught in a perpetual loop of greed is a good one (The pirate drops a cursed coin. He comes back to life, looks around, picks up the coin out of greed, which causes him to turn into a skeleton. He flops back over, dropping the coin and breaking the curse. And on and on for eternity). The placement is, however, very poor as it ruins the creepy and foreboding atmosphere of the first act of the ride in the caves/grotto. He should have been placed at the very end of the ride, bringing the whole attraction full circle. 

The AA looks very cartoonish and silly, to the point where it distracts more than impresses and the goofy ass noises he makes disrupt the superb ambient noise and score during the first act of the ride. Imagineering touted this figure as "next-generation", even though we've seen this exact tech done to superior effect over at Epic universe in Monsters Unchained. In reality, the new Pirate AA is just a tweak to tech that's already existed for a decade now. It's apparently accomplished using Unreal Engine, which is the same software used for Fortnight. This explains why the new pirate is so goofy, ugly, and distracting. 

Corporate and Imagineering were more interested in satisfying their investors and shareholders than they were with keeping long-time fans happy, in the process diluting what is one of the best attractions on Earth (This one addition by no means destroys Pirates of the Caribbean, but it definitely detracts from or dilutes the atmosphere, pacing, and story of the ride. Heck, I'm not even a big fan of the Jack Sparrow and Barbosa AAs added to the POTC attractions back in 2006/2007.). 

WRAP-UP

Disney is no longer in the business of finding ways to stand out from the crowd or differentiate itself from its competitors. Remember when Fastpasses were free, for example? In the modern day, Disney is mostly concerned with chasing trends, finding ways to make their rides more kid-friendly and PC, and putting profit ahead of the guest experience. It's become abundantly clear in recent years that Disney could give less of a fuck about their guests and fans. That is the most disappointing thing of all. The Disney brand used to mean something, now it means just about nothing. 

IS CITIZEN VIGILANTE THE WORST FILM OF 2026?

 “They might (go to jail for the rest of their lives), of course, we won’t know till the end of the trial, and that could take years. And of course you’d have to participate in that trial, telling the story of what those men did to you over and over in a room full of people who are going to call you a liar and try to poke holes in every detail of your story. And we’ll also have to get lucky with the judgement. You never know how those things are going to turn out. And then during that long and expensive trial, we have to hope and pray that the men who did this to you don’t do the same exact thing to somebody else. Is that the justice you want?”

“I’m here to help you take that control back. I’m here to show you that you are no longer the victims. I’m here to show you that it’s time to go out and show these fuckers they aren’t getting away with it anymore. Remember, I do this for you until you learn to do it for yourself.”

Genuinely one of the most abhorrent films I have ever seen. Actual cannibal Armie Hammer stars as the American owner of several apartment properties in Europe. He travels overseas without a passport or proper documents in an attempt to rid Europe of criminal immigrants. The original title of this movie was ‘The Dark Knight’. This makes sense as Hammer’s character is blatantly copied after Batman, except this time he’s evil.

This might as well be the nail in the coffin for Hammer’s career. There’s one scene where he frequents an apartment floor where prostitutes do business. He buys one, has sex with her, and then proceeds to complain about mold in the room, revealing he owns the building. The twist in reality is that it’s actually Hammer who is the whore, accepting money to star in a terrible movie with terrible values like this.

Citizen Vigilante’s politics are disgusting and sickening. Here is a film that culminates in the vigilante murdering an entire Muslim family because their son and his friends raped a fourteen year old girl (He also murders the son and his friends as well). The Vigilante also winds up killing numerous judges near the end because he doesn’t approve of their verdicts and even kills innocent people driving a car to prove a point. 

Citizen Vigilante has no business talking to audiences from a perceived high ground as in the previously stated prostitute scene, the camera openly ogles the numerous sex worker’s breasts and butts, objectifying them in the process.

Those looking for action or violence won’t get much of it as the majority of the film consists of Armie Hammer walking around, pouting, inspecting buildings, and monologuing to the camera and to characters on and off screen. When there is violence, it’s gratuitous and gory (often with bad CGI). This flick delights and revels in it. It ogles violence the same way it ogled those sex workers’ bodies.

The technical aspects are awful. The editing is some of the worst I’ve seen, jumping back and forth in time with very little rhyme or reason. The cinematography is ugly and amateurish, and the score is tough to listen to. The direction by Boll is what we’ve come to expect from him, which is to say it’s bad. Costas Mandylor co-stars as an interpol official determined to bring the vigilante to justice. Shame on him for agreeing to act in this movie.

Citizen Vigilante is not a movie, it’s an excuse for Uwe Bill to get on a soapbox and scream his disgusting and abhorrent politics at us. He hates all immigrants, legal or not, and is incredibly racist. It’s a film meant to trigger liberals and doesn’t attempt to hide its true purpose: to incite violence. This is not just a terrible movie, it’s a dangerous one as well and it’s all but guaranteed to leave you feeling dirty and unclean by the end. 

0.5 STARS

SUPERGIRL IS SUPER DISAPPOINTING

 Let me start by saying I did not hate this film. Overall, I’m pretty ambivalent about it. It’s trying to be a mixture of Guardians of the Galaxy and Star Wars, but doesn’t do either well. There are elements here that work well enough on their own. Too bad they’re attached to a dud.

The editing by Fred Raskin and Tatiana S. Riegel is a jumbled, god-awful, convoluted, non-sensical mess. The screenplay by Ana Nogueira doesn’t fare much better. She gives us zero reason to get invested in either of the two main plot lines. There are great, meaningful messages that land with a thud due to the film they’re attached to not being very good. There are also contrivances and conveniences aplenty. I honestly was expecting a multitude of people to be credited for the screenplay with how poor and messy it turned out.

Matthias Schoenaerts is the worst offender of the actors as main villain, Krem. He’s a space bully who is more annoying than he is threatening, intimidating, or memorable. Krem is about on the same level of bad as many First Phase MCU villains, if not worse. I fucking hated him.

Eve Ridley as Ruthye is not good. She is a more annoying version of Athena from Tomorrowland, but with far less to do.  Ruthye had her family butchered in front of her by Krem, and Kara had Krypto shot with a slow-acting poison by Krem. This is what binds our two heroines together and sets the plot into motion.

Milly Alcock as Supergirl, Jason Momoa as Lobo (who only gets around 15 minutes of screen time), David Corenswet as Superman, and David Krumholtz as Zor-El are the stand-outs acting and character wise. Jason Momoa is letting loose and having fun as Lobo, a bounty hunter with a real devil-may-care attitude. He’s a lot of fun but isn’t of much import to the proceedings. Maybe one day he’ll get his own movie. I’d say he deserves one (so long as the talent behind the camera is of higher quality than the crew we have here).

David Corenswet continues to prove he’s perfect as Superman in his few all-too-brief scenes. Milly Alcock as Supergirl does great (the scattered scenes of her backstory are certainly better than most of the rest of the film). Kara is essentially the female version of Star-Lord. Her development is very well done and it’s appreciated that she is heavily flawed.

It’s a shame that the film bearing Supergirl’s name doesn’t live up to her character. She deserves a better movie than this. I can only hope she has roles to play in upcoming films, maybe then she can truly fly. There is no unified, creative vision for this movie. It feels like Craig Gillespie did not have full creative control (studio meddling?).

Supergirl, unlike its main lead, lacks personality and a unique identity. I genuinely don’t know who to blame for this one. Did James Gunn or the studio take too much of a hands on approach? Does Ana Noguiera deserve to take most of the blame for her poor screenwriting skills and lack of vision for the product she churned out?  Did editors Fred Raskin and Tatiana S. Riegel kneecap the movie with their choppy, confusing, and scattershot job? Maybe it’s all three? Either way, the end result is the same: a disappointing, unexciting superhero flop that sinks instead of soars.

2 STARS