Wednesday, March 18, 2026

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter

 The Walt Disney World of today seems to have seriously lost its way. The Streets of America, Muppet*Vision 3-D, The Rivers of America, Tom Sawyer Island, Splash Mountain, The Fountain of Nations, and many other beloved attractions and areas have all been bulldozed in the name of "progress". Yes, yes...to live in the modern day and to think about Walt Disney World is to feel a pit open up in the bottom of your stomach. So, why not travel back to a better time for the parks? 

A time when Walt Disney World was the big cheese in Orlando and wasn't afraid to innovate and take risks. A time we call THE 90's. So precious little of the Walt Disney World of that era remains today, but that doesn't mean, with the help of some imagination, we can't rewind the years and take a fond look back at those halcyon years. Today, we travel back to the distant year of 1994 to examine one of the riskiest and scariest attractions Walt Disney World ever created: The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter.

Michael Eisner and Frank Wells became the CEOs of The Walt Disney Company in September, 1984. Both would oversee a period of rejuvenation for the company's animation and theme parks divisions. In the late 80s and early 90s, Eisner began to grow worried about the public perception of Walt Disney World and Disneyland. He feared that most saw the Disney parks as a place for children, leaving teens to avoid the theme parks. 

It didn't help that Eisner's teenage son, Breck, seemed to agree that the parks were "lame". In an effort to revitalize the brand, Eisner and the Disney Imagineers began to toy with concepts for an older teen demographic. A partnership between Disney and George Lucas birthed Star Tours; a motion-simulator themed around the Star Wars films. Star Tours would quickly become massively popular, leading it to be cloned for The Disney MGM Studios theme park in Orlando, Florida. 

Hoping to recreate the success of Star Tours, Michael Eisner set the Imagineers, the team of Lucas, Senior Vice president of Theme Park Productions Tom Fitzgerald, and Senior VP in charge of Creative Development Eric Jacobson to the task of creating a frightening attraction for the Tomorrowland in Disneyland (apparently George Lucas was barely involved in the creation of the attraction, only attending a grand total of one brainstorming meeting.). Eventually, the idea would be moved to Walt Disney World. One rumor is that originally the attraction was meant to be a shooter dark ride aboard the Nostromo from Alien. While this was a blue sky concept, according to Imagineers this was a separate idea unrelated to Alien Encounter. Meanwhile, over at Magic Kingdom's Tomorrowland, the old Mission to Mars attraction was badly in need of updating. This theater-in-the-round show took guests on a brief flight to Mars. 

The theater featured screens on the sides of the theater and in the center on the bottom of the floor. The attraction had originally opened on December 24, 1971 as Flight to the Moon. Flight to the Moon closed on April 15, 1975 and would re-open on March 21, 1975 as Mission to Mars. Clearly, Mission to Mars had aged greatly over the course of its decade-plus operation. It was badly in need of a re-tool and re-imagining. 

The Alien Encounter team saw the aging attraction as the perfect spot for their next horrifying creation. In 1987, Tom Fitzgerald delivered the first pitch for the attraction that would go on to become Alien Encounter. Tom Mission to Mars would close on November 2, 1992 for something a little more out-of-this-world. The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter would soft open on December 16, 1994. Sadly, Eisner's business partner Frank Wells wouldn't live to see Spielberg's, Lucas' and the Imagineers thrilling new addition. Wells would tragically die in a helicopter crash on April 3, 1994.

Even with the soft opening, The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter was far from out of the weeds. During a preview of the attraction, Michael Eisner walked out less-than-pleased. Some things needed fine-tuning. The pre-show featuring the peppy sales robot The X-S 2000 Technobotic Presentation Unit (voiced by Phil Hartman) was...how do we put this...too NICE...too cheery. In short, his demeanor wasn't adequately preparing guests for the scares of the main show. (I've read from various different sources that the official name for the 1994 robot is the Technobotic Oratorical Mechanism 2000, but every recording of the original version I've found the robot only refers to itself as The X-S 2000 Technobotic Presentation Unit.). The figure itself was a rebuild of Mr. Johnson from Mission to Mars (apparently half of the figure was the old Mr. Johnson).

The events of the pre-show (and even most of the robot's dialogue) would remain the same, but Tim Curry would be re-cast in the role and The X-S 2000 Technobotic Presentation Unit would be re-named to Simulated Intelligence Robotics, S.I.R for short. S.I.R, with the help of Curry's pitch-perfect line delivery added just the right sinister tone of menace that Eisner was looking for. The main show itself was too serious, too dark. It also would need some tweaking. The main show would retain it's dark edge, but some sardonic wit would be inserted, the middle portion featuring an unlucky engineer would be slightly lengthened (in the new version, the overhead screens would be utilized, giving the guests a short reprieve from the terrors of the dark), and the ending would be changed from retrieving the unhappy chairman to focusing on inadvertently exploding the alien menace. Finally, The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter would officially be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public on June 20, 1995.

The story for the attraction was one of the most well-developed in the history of the Disney parks. With me as your guide, let's take a stroll through The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter. Heavy spoilers lie ahead. In a corner of Tomorrowland sits The Tomorrowland Interplanetary Convention Center, where various companies from across the galaxy showcase their latest products and inventions. The one currently occupying the space has something special to show you, something that might just change your life. Allow me to be the first to welcome you, weary travelers, to the great, big universe of X-S! 

X-S Tech is the galaxy's leader in innovative high technology and sophisticated technology. X-S Tech started as one small manufacturing plant on a planet far from Earth (80 light years from Earth, or 469 trillion 255 billion 680 million miles) and has now grown into the largest consumer-oriented research and development company in the universe. X-S Tech is number one in Electro Robotics, Cryo Cybernetics, Techno Surveillance, Planetary Restructuring, Genetic Engineering, and Hyperspatial Transport. L.C. Clench (Jeffrey Jones) is the current chairman of the company. His favorite motto is this: "If something can't be done with X-S, then it shouldn't be done at all." X-S Tech's official slogan is "We're Seizing the Future". 

X-S has arrived at The Tomorrowland Interplanetary Convention Center to demonstrate their newest technological invention: The X-S Series 1000, the first in a complete line of personal and commercial teleportation systems. Needless to say, X-S Tech isn't quite as beneficent as it would have us believe it is. In truth, X-S is a company that puts profits over people and safety. The name of the company itself (Excess tech) literally means too much technology and the attraction pokes fun at the way corporations think and operate. In the first room, guests are treated to a brief corporate video introducing them to X-S tech and what lies in store for them in the rooms ahead.

In the second-room, guests/future consumers are given a short demonstration of X-S teleportation technology by S.I.R and "lower life form"/adorable innocent alien Skippy (the official name of his species is a Floof McGoon Cliffhanger). In the original pre-show, the X-S 2000 Technobotic Presentation Unit chooses to continually up the power of the X-S Series 1000 in order to bean Skippy from one teleportation tube to the other, resulting in poor Skippy getting fried/burned (though remaining alive). In the second version of the pre-show, Skippy gets fried/burned purely from some fault with the process. S.I.R has a much harsher demeanor towards Skippy, and after the botched demonstration S.I.R indefinitely suspends Skippy's molecules (meaning poor Skippy is essentially killed).  

In the main chamber, guests take their seats and are introduced to X-S Management Supervisor Spidlock (Kevin Pollack)  and his assistant Dr. Feemis (Kathy Najimy). Much like the old Mission to Mars attraction, this is a theater-in-the-round show. On the walls are two large screens where Spidlock and Feemis broadcast a live tele-feed/Hyperlink from the X-S tech home planet to Earth. In the center of the room is a large and intimidating metallic glass tube. This is the teleportation tube. 

As our two hosts bicker, overhead restraints lower over our heads. This is where and how the magic happens. The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter was an attraction that mainly used binaural audio and some physical special effects (like water to simulate breaking glass and spit, warm air to stand in for the alien's breath, and a bouncing head restraint meant to mimic the Alien landing on top of you) all of which occur in near-total darkness. The overhead restraint and chair you sit in house the binaural audio and above-stated physical effects.

X-S Tech's idea is to scan the audience for a guest who has the right biology for transportation. Said guest would then be transported to X-S Tech's home planet where Spidlock, Feemis, and Clench would subject them to a sales pitch. Before the unlucky guest can be teleported, though, Chairman Clench barges in demanding the demonstration be halted (much to the relief of Dr. Feemis, who is well-aware of the X-S Series 1000 limitations and malfunctions. She is the only one with any morals or ethics whatsoever). Clench had been "seized" with a new idea: Why not teleport himself down to Earth instead, so he can give his sales pitch to the entire theater. Before Dr. Feemis can lock-on to the tube's coordinates on Earth and panicked Spidlock responds to the impatient chairman by initiating the teleportation process. Unfortunately for everyone, a rogue planet gets in the way of the transmission path, resulting in Chairman Clench getting lost. 

Dr. Feemis scans the planet and discovers an organism that might be Clench, but before she can confirm, Spidlock re-initiates the teleportation process sending whatever the organism is into our theater. Bad news: It isn't Clench. It's a flying, carnivorous alien. Worse: It's angry. Everyone in the theater is in great danger. 

The alien shatters the "unbreakable" teleportation tube, and Dr. Feemis activates a force field meant to contain the alien. Unfortunately, the X-S Series 1000 and the tech that went into crafting this theater wasn't meant to take such abuse, and the power goes out. With the power, so goes the lights and the force field, our only means of protection. The force field down, the Alien is able to escape into the theater and terrorize the guests.  

A hapless mechanic is sent in to restore power to the theater and the tube. He's able to reconnect a cable, but is eaten shortly afterwards by the Alien, his blood showering down onto the guests below. The room returns to darkness, ending the brief respite from the Alien's horrors. After another minute or so of pure terror, Dr. Feemis hits upon a solution. The Alien is drawn to sound. 

Power is suddenly restored (looks like the doomed mechanic managed to save the day before he became Alien chow), and Dr. Feemis screams into the theater's speakers, luring the Alien back into the tube where the force field traps it once again. With no time to lose, Dr. Feemis and Spinlock boost the power to the theater's tube so they can quickly teleport the Alien away. The Alien proves unequipped to handle so much power and explodes right as Spinlock and Dr. Feemis close the tube, but not before guests are blasted with water meant to represent the Alien's guts.  In the original version of the show, the Alien is successfully teleported away and Clench is beamed into our tube where he can be heard yelling in anger as guests leave. The final version of Alien Encounter ends with the Alien exploding and the fate of Chairman Clench remains uncertain.

The video portions of The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter were directed by Jerry Rees, who also directed other Disney attractions like 'Back to Neverland' (the short starring Robin Williams that would play before guests entered The Art of Animation), 'Cranium Command', the pre-show for 'Dinosaur'/'Countdown to Extinction', 'Sounds Dangerous Starring Drew Carrey', The pre-show for 'Rockin' Roller Coaster', and 'CineMagique' for Disneyland Paris. He also directed several full-length theatrical films: 'The Brave Little Toaster', 'The Marrying Man', and 'Susie's Hope'. It is unknown who wrote the script for the attraction. Kevin Rafferty, Daniel Molitor, and Mike West acted as some of the show writers.

The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter was the scariest attraction at the Walt Disney World resort for less than a decade. Parents and regular guests lobbed complaints about the attraction's intensity, even though there were numerous signs posted outside the building blatantly stating that Alien Encounter was going to be very scary. I only got to experience it once in 2002 or 2003, and my memories of it aren't quite as clear as I would prefer. I remember some of the pre-show (mostly Skippy) and the portion of the main show featuring the unlucky mechanic. I was twelve or thirteen at the time, and the attraction had me screaming and crying in the theater. It was traumatic but memorable. 

Unfortunately, The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter was never going to last forever. It's fear factor alone would inevitably seal it's fate in due time, plus it was apparently expensive to run. (not to mention Jeffrey Jones would be arrested in November 2002 on charges of possessing Child Sexual Abuse Material/Child Porn). On October 12, 2003 The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter would cease terrifying and traumatizing guests forever. It lasted close to eight years. This isn't the end of our tale, though.

On June 21, 2002 American audiences were introduced to an adorably destructive blue alien called Stitch. Disney went all-in on the Stitch hype train and would re-theme The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter to a Stitch themed show. Stitch's Great Escape would open on November 16, 2004 to even more hatred than Alien Encounter had received. The story this time involved guests entering the Galactic Federation Prisoner Teleport Center to be trained as security guards. In the middle of training, The Galactic Federation captures Stitch and beams him down for us to keep watch over him as he's processed. Stitch escapes, managing to obliterate at least half of the theater/recruits before hi-tailing it to The Magic Kingdom. 

S.I.R, Skippy, and Scruffy remained for the pre-show, but S.I.R was given a make-over and a fat-suit being turned into the useless SARGE who was supposed to over-see our training until Stitch requires a change in plans. Luckily, Skippy and Scruffy make it out to see the next day in this downgrade.The main theater remains mostly unchanged. There's still the teleportation tube in the middle with screens placed around the theater. There's still the lowering head restraints. There's still warm air to simulate breath, water to simulate spit, and the head restraints still bounce to simulate Stitch jumping on us. 

Added are two impressive-looking cannons which swivel around the theater and inadvertently blast at guests/recruits due to Stitch's mayhem, as well as an incredibly unpleasant chili dog burp scent which was foul enough to make any one sick to their stomach. In a weird way, Stitch's Great Escape was much meaner and crueler than The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter ever was. Stitch's Great Escape used Stitch to lure unsuspecting families in, only to confront them with Experiment 626, who's main goal is to murder those assigned to keep watch over him (He spits on recruits so the cannons will gun them down). True, Stitch's Great Escape was heavily watered down in an attempt to cater towards families but most of the show still took place in near-total darkness. Those in charge would eventually have to shorten the portions that took place in the dark, but it still wasn't enough for families not to be terrified. For most, this cheap re-tooling amounted to a mean-spirited bait-and-switch. 

I am gifted to be able to say I am a part of the history of The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter, albeit tangentially so. In August 2015, I was hired by Walt Disney World to work three attractions in Tomorrowland: The Astro Orbiter, The Peoplemover, and Stitch's Great Escape. A decent amount of Alien Encounter remained for Stitch. I already listed some remnants in the previous paragraph, but here are some others I saw for myself: X-S Tech branding can still clearly be seen in the hallway leading to the main theaters and on the teleportation tube in the main theater, the covers for seats that are broken bear an X-S logo and say Temporarily Seized (yes, these seat covers were originally used for Alien Encounter),  the ambient noise that plays in the main theater before the start of a show is a direct left-over from Alien Encounter, as is the wires leading to the teleportation tube shaking as Stitch is teleported to us. Having worked the show for a good three months, I can say with confidence that Stitch's Great Escape sucked. 

When all the technical elements were working as they were supposed to (which wasn't often), the show could be visually appealing. The two cannons swinging wildly around the theater while firing at guests always looked cool. The use of bursts of fog was also a cool element. The Stitch AA was also far more realistic and impressive than the AA for the Alien ever was. Stitch's Great Escape was always a production that was better to sit back and watch than it was to get strapped in and experience for yourself. Most agree it was a failure. I would have to concur. Luckily, Stitch would be forced to cease his antics for good on January 6, 2018. This means Stitch would go uncaptured for close to fourteen years, outliving Alien Encounter by around six years. How unfair.

Today, the building that housed The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter and Stitch's Great Escape sits unused. The large, intimidating silver doors still stand, waiting to open once again for a new attraction. A Cast Member station stands near-by, covered up. This is where Cast Members would voice announcements and safety spiels for both attractions, as well as control when those doors would open and etc. It's too much to hope for a new take on Alien Encounter. The Disney of today is very risk-averse and has fully embraced their agreed upon perception as a place for kids. 

Never again will we see a truly frightening attraction like Alien Encounter, or even something along those lines. I'm not even sure what could realistically go into that space today. There were rumors of a Wreck-It-Ralph attraction replacing Stitch, but that speculation has died away. The sad reality is that building may remain empty forever. A sad waste of what could be very good space. 

The least they could do is put up some posters advertising The Tomorrowland Interplanetary Convention Center, maybe showcase some fictional past exhibits (including X-S Tech's botched teleportation demonstration) as well as never-to-be future exhibits. The only issue with this it might get guests excited for the building to re-open, which it likely never will. The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter remains the scariest attraction ever brought to life. Those who were lucky enough to experience Alien Encounter first-hand, as well as those fortunate enough to have worked the attraction (and Stitch as well), will carry with them the memories of the screams of frightened children forever. 


Here is a link to an article by Jim Hill on the History of Alien Encounter if you still want to know more: The ExtraTERRORestrial Files - Jim Hill Media 

  

Monday, March 16, 2026

UNDERTONE UNDERWHELMS

 Evie is stuck caring for her dying mom while attempting to record her paranormal podcast with co-host Justin. They are sent a series of audio recordings from an anonymous email, and as Evie listens to the recordings over multiple days or weeks, odd things begin to happen around the house. When Justin and her reach the final recording, all hell will break loose.

A modern-day Paranormal Activity with a great gimmick. Unfortunately,  terrible pacing and poor direction de-rail what could otherwise have been a worthy entry into acoustic horror. The cinematography and sound design are strong, but this flick splits its time up between our lead taking care of her near-death mom and recording her audio podcast. Her day-to-day duties involving her mom are uninteresting and most of the scary things that occur involve a water faucet turning itself on or her mom appearing to say prayers (which shouldn’t be possible considering her condition). 

There are enough freaky or creepy moments here that a viewing (or a listen) isn’t a total waste. The audio recordings our protagonists are sent starting to slowly correlate to what’s going on with our lead actress is certainly concerning enough, and the final minutes of pure auditory chaos is pretty cool. As far as actors go, Adam DiMarco as Justin is the stand-out. He only ever appears as a voice but he fully and believably inhabits his role. This should have been exceptional, unfortunately it’s only average. See it in a theatre at matinee price or wait till you can stream it with headphones on.

3 STARS

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE OSCARS

 Let's chat about some of the Oscar wins/losses.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Thrilled to see Amy Madigan win this. An incredibly deserved win and a fantastic start to the night. What an acceptance speech as well!

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Mr. Nobody Against Putin won this one, and it's definitely a doc I would like to see. The acceptance speech was an all-timer.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: KPop Demon Hunters won. Total slop won. So disappointing. This is the only other animated film this year I was unable to finish. I get what it's going for, but so many other films have tackled the same exact themes and messages in such a profound, better, and more meaningful way. Just a very basic film and a disappointing choice. Let's be real, the only reason this won was for Korean representation. Also really funny when one of the winners said something about how this is for everyone who never thought they'd see people that look like them on screen. Like, A. This is an ANIMATED film. B. Have you seriously never heard of Crazy Rich Asians, Crazy Rich Asians 2, Parasite, etc? Seriously, shut the fuck up.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: Golden won this, undeservedly so. You can't look me in the eye and tell me this basic-ass song from a basic-ass film was better than 'I Lied to You'. Once again, the ONLY reason this won is because of KPop representation (as in the music genre, not the film). 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Sean Penn nabbed the win, but I'm not upset about it. He played the best villain of last year. Just wish he was a better sport about the whole thing. Penn didn't even have the decency to make an appearance at any of the awards shows, including the Oscars. What an asshole.

BEST DIRECTOR: Paul Thomas Anderson is finally recognized for the talent that he is. He wasn't my personal pick, but that doesn't change the fact that this was a long time coming. A very well-deserved win.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: ^ ^ ^ ^  See above  ^ ^ ^ ^

BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM: Sentimental Value finally gets its flowers. Certainly not the most important, pertinent, or timely film in the category but absolutely the best. Consider me happy.

BEST ACTOR: And now we arrive at the biggest controversy of the night - Michael B. Jordan winning Best Actor. Oh boy, where do I start. Michael, I'm going to let you finish, but my boy Timothee Chalamet was the best leading male performance last year. Let's count the reasons why MBJ won... 1. Timothee kept saying stupid, controversial ish during the press rounds. 2. MBJ played two roles in one film (unconvincingly, if you ask me. I had trouble telling the two apart most of the time). 3. MBJ is black. Yeah, I said it. His skin color was absolutely one of the deciding factors that went into him winning the award. I don't mean to sound racist, but the truth is the truth. Decades (if not shorter than that) later, we're all going to look back at this win and be pissed. The most undeserved and unearned win of the night. I'm so sorry, Chalamet. The Oscars did you dirty. What a bunch of stupid fucking assholes.

BEST PICTURE: One Battle After Another wins. At least The Academy got this award correct. Lots of people pissed that Sinners lost (seems to be mostly black people. Gosh, I wonder why?), but OBAA really is the superior movie. Sinners was a phenomenal, fantastic movie but OBAA was the better of the two. Plus, it was more timely and pertinent to what's going on in our world right now. 

I have to mention Javier Bardem going on to announce Best International Feature Film and refusing to mince words. Right out the gate, wasting zero time, he says: "No more wars. Free Palestine." So fucking cool. A+

Kumail Nanjiani wins for best presenter speech. He presented the award for Best Live Action Short Film and had one of the rare hilarious bits. His whole schtick was about how films are too long, and he came up with ideas for titles for shorter films, for example: One Battle After Another would be One Battle. "You just get one." Hilarious stuff. Even funnier when the award was a tie, leading Nanjiani to quip that it's ironic that Live Action Short Film is going to be twice as long. Maybe he should be the host for next year?

The Bridesmaid reunion was a bit much, but Melissa McCarthy managed to mostly salvage it with some superior comedic timing and genuinely funny bits. 

Conan was a great host as usual. His opening and closing skits were absolute all-timers. Seeing him become Aunt Gladys and then be disposed of Sean Penn style after the show was over was freaking hilarious.

Friday, March 13, 2026

IT'S TIME TO HOP WITH HOPPERS

In Hoppers, rebellious nineteen year old Mabel is on a quest to save her beloved glen from the careless mayor Jerry. When she stumbles upon secretive "Hopper" tech developed by her college, she decides to use it as a way to turn the tide in her favor. Unfortunately, her best-laid plans go disastrously awry putting mayor Jerry and all of her town's inhabitants at risk. Now, Mabel and her small crew of animal friends will have to fight if they're going to save their glen and the town's population.   

The best original movie Pixar has made in eleven years. The humor is weird but funny, our cast of animals are cute as heck (You gotta love King George), the third act is unhinged, and there is plenty of heart throughout. It’s very cool our heroine is nineteen years old. It’s unexpected, but appreciated. 

The voice cast is strong. The stand-outs are Piper Curda as Mabel, Bobby Moynihan as King George, Kathy Najimy as Dr. Sam, Jon Hamm as Mayor Jerry, and Dave Franco as Titus. Jesse Andrews (Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, Every Day, Luca) is the sole credited screenwriter. His work here is strong. Daniel Chong (Creator of We Bare Bears) directs and does a very solid job. 

The main villain isn’t who you would expect, and how he looks in the third act is actually frightening. It feels like it’s been forever since we’ve had a fantastic villain in a Disney/Pixar film, and we finally get one here. The message is great as well, but isn’t what most will walk away remembering from this. A feel-good, highly entertaining flick that doesn’t always go where you would expect it to. PIXAR IS BACK!!!

4.5 STARS

"WUTHERING HEIGHTS" DESERVES TO BE IN QUOTATION MARKS

 An interesting but loose adaptation of the unforgettable novel that favors style and sexuality over accuracy and faithfulness (It literally opens with a man getting a boner from being hanged to death). It gets some things right, but most things wrong. It adapts scenes from the novel or lines of dialogue well enough, but gets the overall story or meaning of the whole thing wrong. 

The characters’ personalities are mostly faithful, and it ALMOST gets the relationship between Heathcliff and Catherine correct until they fuck like rabbits later on. This is a complete misunderstanding of the novel as the whole point of their love is that it is unrequited. As far as I recall, H&C never even kiss in the source material. It’s the pain of never getting to be together, physically or otherwise, that shapes our two leads and having them “get it on” only dilutes and weakens their relationship. 

All the actors perform their roles superbly. Jacob Elordi as Heathcliff, Margot Robbie as Catherine, Hong Chau as Nelly, and Shazad Latif all impress. The cinematography by Linus Sandgren, score by Anthony Willis, production design by Suzie Davies (with set decoration by Charlotte Dirickx), costume design by Jacqueline Durran, and the vibrant colors are all intoxicating and easily sweep you away into Emerald Fennell’s lush world.

It’s a shame this isn’t really the novel. As is, it only resembles Wuthering Heights, but Wuthering Heights this is not. Let’s call it Withering Heights. Fennell’s version of the timeless story is not without its charms and merits, but fans of the source material will surely be disappointed. All that said, this is likely Fennell’s most accessible film to date as the sexuality is more-so implied than thrown in your face (for example: there is no nudity). In the end, if this gets more people to check out the novel, I suppose it’s worth it.

2.5 STARS

DON'T GET MARRIED TO THE BRIDE!

 In The Bride!, a dead Mary Shelley yearns to create a sequel to Frankenstein, and so partially possesses and kills escort Ida. Shortly afterwards, Frankenstein’s creature/Frank arrives in Chicago looking to re-animate a corpse and make it his bride. He enlists the help of Dr. Cordelia Euphronious, and together they dig up a corpse which just so happens to be Ida, bringing her back to life. When Frank brutally murders two men who were attempting to rape Ida, both go on the run from the law. Along for the pursuit are a detective and his secretary, and mob underlings sent to silence Ida. 

Jessie Buckley stars as Ida/Penelope/Penny/The Bride. Yes, Mary Shelley continues to partially possess her for the entirety of the film, leading to some painful and cringe outbursts as Ida waffles between two personalities. Buckley is the absolute worst, so much so that it makes you question her frontrunner status for Best Actress. 

Christian Bale puts on a good performance as Frankenstein/Frank. He is essentially the creature from the classic novel. In The Bride!, he has developed a love for film and dancing. Movie theaters are featured prominently throughout, though there is no deeper meaning to their usage and nothing really comes from it. There are also several dance sequences in The Bride!, including one (bafflingly) set to ‘Puttin’ on the Ritz’ which involves possession, an ability Frank only acquires for this one scene and goes unexplained. Bale brings some gravitas and pathos to his portrayal of Frank and is one of the only bright spots in the movie.

Peter Sarsgaard plays Jake Wiles, a determined and well-meaning detective who knew Ida before she died. He’s another bright spot. He’s likable enough and his sub-plot is fine, though it goes nowhere in the end, he serves very little purpose, and is even carelessly discarded at the beginning of the third act. His friendship with his secretary played by Penelope Cruz is cute, though she proves to be every bit as useless as he is, if not more so, by the end. 

Annette Bening plays Dr. Cordelia Euphronious, author of Event Horizon. Against her better judgement, she gets involved in the story of Frank and The Bride out of what appears to be a scientific curiosity. She isn’t given much to do, but makes an impression regardless.

The Bride! is written and directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal (the film even features Jake Gyllenhaal in a memorable supporting role). The screenplay is simply atrocious and bad. Gyllenhaal also fails to impress as director. It doesn’t take long at all for her to lose total control of her movie.

The Bride! is a wild, crazed sequel to Frankenstein with heavy Feminist overtones (the crimes of our duo inspires women all over the country to dress up like The Bride and commit similar crimes, another subplot that, once again, goes nowhere). The creativity on display is without boundaries, but this means there is also zero focus. This flick comes speeding at you and either you jump on board or are flattened like a pancake. It’s a hard one to keep up with.

The Bride! is overflowing with ideas (some interesting, some not-so-much), but every one of them falls flat and isn’t followed up on or explored. While you have to give credit for the insane creativity on display, The Bride! is a mess. It feels like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s take on Poor Things, a lesser take. The Bride! amounts to a gigantic, visually appealing/pretty, and very silly train wreck that wears out its welcome well before the end credits roll.

2 STARS

Tuesday, March 10, 2026

SMALLS' TOP 25 FILMS OF 2025

25. Thunderbolts*

24. The Fantastic Four: First Steps

23. Friendship

22. Little Amelie or The Character of Rain

21. The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Loony Tunes Movie

20. The Lost Bus

19. Hamnet

18. Frankenstein

17. Jay Kelly

16. Companion

15. No Other Choice

14. The Long Walk

13. F1

12. If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

11. The Voice of Hind Rajab

10. Bring Her Back

9. The Life of Chuck

8. Wake Up Dead Man

7. Train Dreams

6. Weapons

5. Warfare

4. Sinners

3. Sentimental Value

2. Marty Supreme

1. One Battle After Another