SMALLS FRIGHT FEST: ONSLAUGHT

 In Onslaught, when a small super-soldier unit escapes from their secret military base, a divorced ex-military vet will have to protect her trailer park home and her young daughter from the unstoppable squad as they lay siege to the area. 

A step back in the right direction for Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett. There is indeed an onslaught in Onslaught, but the violence and action aren’t quite to the degree most are likely expecting. While the extended trailer park scene is quite good, the best action scene is the first one at the military base. 

Dan Stevens is entertaining and weird as Dr. Kammler, a Nazi scientist and head of the super soldier program. Michael Biehn is a welcome presence as one of the higher-ups at the company funding Kammler’s research. Unfortunately, both get minimal screen time. 

Adria Arjuna is likable as Celeste, our first lead. She is an army vet with some serious PTSD and the on-site manager of the trailer park. 

Eric Wareheim is entertaining as Kovacks, a pathetic loser cop and resident of the trailer park. Reginald VelJohnson (of Die Hard and Family Matters fame) is great as Josiah, a Vietnam vet who lives at the trailer park and is the only friend Celeste has. Drew Starkey plays Cyrus (my favorite character), an assassin sent to contain the situation. Cyrus has a lot of potential as he spends the majority of the film tripping on pure MDMA. Unfortunately, he is given very little to do. 

The screenplay by Simon Barrett isn’t the strongest. The story here is very simple, unfortunately to the film’s detriment. There are also sub-plots, reveals, and themes that go nowhere. While our cast is quirky and weird, you never feel fully invested in any of their fates. Celeste in particular hits upon the truth of the situation way too quickly. Her intuition is insanely good.

Our three man super-soldier unit is very cool, intimidating, and scary (I love how their eyes glow). They are memorable and are given brief, but interesting backstories. There aren’t many people living at the trailer park, so the “onslaught” isn’t quite as crazy as you hope it would be and the final fight between Celeste and the leader of the unit is over too quickly.

While Onslaught never quite settles into a comfortable rhythm (the film moves in starts and stops), the editing by Adam Avery and Josh Schaeffer and cinematography by Oren Soffer are very impressive and cool. The score by Matthew Pusti is deliciously synth-y and absolutely worth a purchase. 

Perhaps the most interesting thing about Onslaught is that it’s set in the world of The Guest. The super-soldier program is the next evolution of the same program that made David into the monster he is, KPG is never named in the film proper but has been heavily hinted at by director Adam Wingard to be the company at the heart of the film’s super-soldier program, and the town Onslaught is set in is Moriarty (the same town from The Guest). Moriarty doesn’t feel or look the same here, but that might be because there are minimal locations utilized and it seems the the trailer park is on the outskirts of the town. 

Onslaught is clearly heavily inspired by the films of John Carpenter, specifically his grindhouse fare like Assault on Precinct 13 and Escape from New York (I’d say this is more Escape from New York than Assault on Precinct 13, but maybe that’s just me). Onslaught is a weird grindhouse-action-horror-comedy-B Movie (with the emphasis on weird). There are a lot of plates it’s attempting to juggle, but it never does an impressive job at any of them. The plates do fall, but they don’t break. Onslaught has lofty aspirations it fails to reach. Luckily, even though it isn’t a super memorable movie, it’s still a ton of fun while it’s on.

3 STARS

SMALLS FRIGHT FEST: BUDDY

 “Bitch.”

In Buddy, a mysterious forgotten/lost kids show from the year 1999 takes a dark turn when it’s beloved host, a magical orange unicorn named Buddy, is revealed to secretly be an unhinged homicidal maniac. The kids trapped in the show decide that they must find a way to escape lest they become Buddy’s next victims. Meanwhile, the show seems to be altering our reality, with people going missing and all traces of their existence vanishing. 

A very fucked up and very funny riff on Barney. All the kids play their roles extremely well and resemble ones you’d find on a 90’s children television show. Keegan Michael-Key is perfection as Buddy. The film gets more mileage than you would expect from his voice and line delivery alone. The sound design is very effective at points as well. 

Unfortunately, the plot is pretty bare-bones and the pacing is poor. There are hints at background and lore thrown into the final 15 minutes or so, but these aren’t even attempted to be properly explored. Perhaps they are being saved for a potential sequel? Regardless, flawed though it may be, Buddy is still a very entertaining horror-comedy that likely works even better on the small screen.

3.5 STARS

COYOTE VS ACME IS FINALLY RELEASED!

If it’s ACME, it’s a gasser!”

In Coyote Vs. ACME, washed up small-time claims lawyer Kevin Avery (Will Forte) finds himself reluctantly entangled in Wile E. Coyote’s plan to sue ACME for all of its faulty products. Kevin will have to outwit Buddy Crane (John Cena), ACME’s chief legal consultant, and uncover a dark conspiracy involving ACME and all the Looney Tunes. Meanwhile, Coyote might have his own ulterior motives for suing ACME.

Coyote Vs. ACME is the first genuine follow-up to Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It’s set in a world where the Looney Tunes co-exist alongside humans. In other words, this might as well take place in the world of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. In this world, the ACME corporation has become a global conglomerate that also makes products for human use. ACME owns close to everything. 

The numerous interactions between toons and humans are entertaining and believable. The animation seems to be CGI that replicates the look of hand-drawn 2D animation, but is seamlessly and impressively integrated with the live-action world and human characters. It’s the best use of this format since Roger Rabbit. The film is also clearly modeled after Who Framed Roger Rabbit as we follow a washed-up authority figure who joins up with a toon in a search for justice. Like in Roger Rabbit, both characters start out as frenemeies before forming a genuine bond. 

Will Forte is superb as Kevin Avery, our lead. He’s very entertaining to watch and incredibly likable. He works at the law firm Avery, Jones, and Maltese. It’s a cute and clever nod to animators Tex Avery, Chuck Jones, and Michael Maltese. Forte’s Kevin feels right at home in this looney world.

The mute Wile E. Coyote is a lot of fun as the fly in the ointment or the wrench in the gears. His multiple antics often only make things more complicated for Kevin. Lana Condor is warm, sweet, and heartfelt as Paige, Kevin’s idealistic niece. She works at Kevin’s law firm and assists heavily with Wile E’s case. John Cena is clearly having a lot of fun as the evil and smarmy big-time corporate lawyer for ACME. He’s made it his mission to crush Kevin, Paige, and Wile E. (Perhaps literally). As usual, Cena’s a joy whenever he’s on-screen. 

Coyote Vs. ACME lovingly draws upon the rich history and legacy of the Looney Tunes. There are references aplenty to Looney Tunes characters and past cartoon shorts starring them. Luckily, there is more to this movie than just that. Included are incredibly poignant and timely messages about how big corporations have been screwing over the little guy for ages, about fighting the big guys, about never giving up, and about how it’s the decision to fight that’s important and not whether you win or lose.

The Looney Tunes continues to be an evergreen property. It’s wild to think that a film of such quality was almost shelved and never released (I think WB was against the film because of its aforementioned messages involving big evil corporations). Regardless, Coyote Vs. ACME landed a wide theatrical release, and we are all better for it. Looney Tunes fans and fans of live-action/animation hybrids have many reasons to rejoice. Coyote Vs. ACME is a little film with a big heart and multiple important messages. Support the little guy and buy your tickets NOW!

5 STARS

SMALL'S FRIGHT FEST: PEEPING TOM

 Welcome back, ghosties and ghoulies!!!! It's so nice to see you all again. That was quite a hibernation, but I'm back and boy does it feel good. Let's start this year's Fright Fest off with a bang by taking a look at Peeping Tom. Don't get caught!

Psycho if Psycho was a character study. Don’t expect many deaths or scares (There are a grand total of 3 deaths), though there is a good deal of tension throughout. Carl Boehm plays our protagonist/antagonist, Mark Lewis, who is very Norman Bates coded. Mark is an awkward, lonely “peeping tom” who works as a cinematographer by day and kills women for his “documentary” at night. He kills them either his camera, forcing them to watch the fear in their faces as they are being murdered.

Despite Mark being an unwell killer, he’s likable and sympathetic while still managing to be unsettling and creepy when he needs to be. It’s revealed that Mark spent his whole childhood being filmed by and tormented by his father, a biologist who wanted to study fear while also recoding a young boy’s maturation. The result leaves Mark emotionally stunted, and practically unable to go to most places without his beloved camera attached to his hip. Boehm plays the role exceptionally well and reminded me of Peter Lorre. 

Mark’s love interest, 21 year old Helen, is played by Anna Massey. Helen is Mark’s opposite as she is outgoing and lively. Both Mark and her are kind people, and Mark continually struggles to be a good person. Helen challenges Mark in fundamental and healthy ways. Massey is great in the role. 

Maxine Audley makes a strong impression as Helen’s blind mother, who, much like her daughter, challenges Mark in healthy ways. She inspires Mark to consider getting help before it’s too late. Maxine rounds out the strong cast. She makes for another very memorable character.

The cinematography doesn’t call attention to itself, though there are occasionally impressive uses of lighting and color. The cons here are some over-acting typical of the time period. The deaths all essentially occur off camera as well. This film might as well be rated PG. Peeping Tom is technically a “horror movie”, but don’t expect a typical one.

The aim here is to get audiences to sympathize and empathize with Mark, a big ask considering the very first scene is one of Mark’s murders. That said, Peeping Tom succeeds in its goal. You do feel for Mark (and Helen) by the end. Peeping Tom also explores themes of voyeurism and how it relates to filmmaking. 

Movies are an inherently voyeuristic medium that places the audience in the role of voyeur. What is a movie if not the viewer “peeping” in on someone’s private life without their knowledge or consent? Peeping Tom came out two months before Psycho, technically making it the first “slasher” movie. Some horror experts consider it the first found footage film as well since some scenes are shot from the POV of Mark’s camera. Peeping Tom is an influential and important horror film that is recommended viewing for film students, horror students, and fans of horror.

IS THE MAGIC BACK?

 Recently, I’ve been bitching about the Disney Company. Well, I’ve been forced to eat crow. It would seem that they have started taking steps in the right direction. The D23 Parks panel happened last night. First off: Nothing was announced about our Space Mountain, so it seems my girl is safe for now. THANK GOD. With that out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the announcements and updates that came out of the event.

CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS: Bryan Cranston and Jamie Lee Curtis confirmed to voice Father and Mother at the new Carousel of Progress! It re-opens late Spring 2027!

SPACESHIP EARTH: Spaceship Earth update announced. New magic brought to every scene and a new story about progress made through human connection. The update will be “classically EPCOT”.

EXPEDITION EVEREST: Yeti is announced to be returning to movement at Disney’s Animal Kingdom!!!! That’s right, they are going to be fixing the Yeti!!! IT’S A DISNEY MIRACLE!!!!! Disney has confirmed that the Yeti will be repaired, not replaced, and will remain in his current location on the ride.

AVENGERS:INFINITY FORCE AND STARK FLIGHT LABS : Robert Downey will be reprising his role of Tony Stark/Iron Man for Avengers: Infinity Defense and Stark Flight Lab! The sets for Avengers: Infinity Defense look larger than life. Chris Hemsworth will also return as Thor, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and Anthony Mackie as Captain America for Avengers. Brie Larson will return as Captain Marvel for Stark Flight Lab. Both attractions will open at Disney’s California Adventure in 2028.

INDIANA JONES ATTRACTION: Harrison Ford will be the model for the Indiana Jones AA at the new Indy ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. The ride will be called Indiana Jones and the Myth of the Jade Serpent. Riders will explore an ancient Mayan temple in the 1950s and will learn about Mayan culture and how it connects to nature. The ride will focus on a portal to the Mayan underworld and will feature gigantic mythological creatures including monstrous bats, scorpions, and serpents.

ENCANTO ATTRACTION: The Encanto ride is called Antonio’s Fiesta de Encanto and all the voice actors will be returning. There will be more than 50 animals in the ride. There is no height requirement.

NEW CARS RIDE: The name of the new Cars ride coming to Magic Kingdom is Cars Ridge Run Rally. It will feature a variety of different environments including a ride up a mountain, through snowy peaks, down rough valleys, and through geysers.

MONSTROPOLIS: The show replacing Muppetvision is called Welcome to Monstropolis starring Mike and Sulley. Mike is planning a small homespun show but Sully has bigger plans. The idea is to show humans that monsters aren’t so different from them. The show will feature the first song Randy Newman has written for a Disney park.

Harryhaussen’s restaurant will feature a sushi chef AA.

In the Monsters Inc. door coaster, riders will be lifted 40ft in the air within 4 seconds and launched into the coaster.

The new Monsters Inc land at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will open next year, with the door coaster opening later!!!

VILLAINS LAND MAGIC KINGDOM: The name for Villains Land will be…VILLAINS LAND. The story for the land is entirely new. We enter through a dark forest where we encounter a broken wishing well that has been corrupted by a dark or twisted wish. The forest is corrupted by the wishing well's toxic magic. Cruella, Facilier, The Evil Queen, and more are drawn to the magic and use it to create a place for themselves. 

The coaster will be themed to Maleficent and will ride through her twisted briars surrounding her castle. 

The second attraction will be a boat ride through the Evil Queen’s castle’s bowels, where we encounter the magic mirror and are sucked into the spirit realm.

So incredible to see Glen Close return as Cruella for D23!!! She’s still got it!!! In character, she demands Disney build a ride for Cruella but Disney doesn’t confirm that ride is coming.

TOMORROWLAND: Disneyland’s Tomorrowland is going to be re-imagined with optimism including new attractions.

JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT RE-DO: A new Journey into Imagination with Figment and Dreamfinder will debut at EPCOT!!!!

So, as you can see, the future of the Disney parks is looking surprisingly bright. It would seem the new management/creative leadership is back on the right path. So yes, I will admit that I might have jumped the gun with my complaints. If they are able to pull all of these off (and I think there’s a good chance they will), you can consider me a Dis-Fan again. Please don’t prove me wrong, Disney.

ICE CREAM MAN MELTS IN YOUR HANDS, NOT IN YOUR MOUTH

I did not scream.

Let’s address the AI controversy first. There is indeed a moderate amount of AI used throughout the movie, both in animated sequences and live-action ones. I counted at least 15 shots that might have used AI (I only counted 2 kills that might have used AI. Most of the kills seem to rely on practical effects. It has been confirmed AI was used for the animated sequences and for a flashback scene, so the rest is speculation) . When the AI is there, it’s there for literally seconds at a time, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. This flick was clearly made on a very low budget, but that’s still not an excuse.

As for the quality of the film itself… it’s pretty bad. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man plays like an uninspired riff on The Crazies, but with homicidal ice cream crazed kids murdering all the adults in their town. It feels like one of those fake trailers that played before Grindhouse. There is no story or character development and the acting sucks across the board. 

Eli Roth gets a supporting role as the dad of our main kid. He’s mostly featured in a needless dinner scene that exists solely for padding. Charles Zeltzer is Jared, our lead. Like the rest of the actors, he’s not a great but is likable enough. Dylan Hawco plays Chris, our dime-store dim-witted Zach Effron who isn’t given much to do but be a romantic interest for one of our leads. 

Ari Millen as the mute Ice Cream Man (and no, we are never given a reason for why he doesn’t speak) is one of the only actors/characters with some presence. He is given a lame and weird backstory, but it’s never explained what he does to the ice cream to curse it (yes, the ice cream is literally cursed or demonic. The characters say this out right in the third act). It also doesn’t help that he isn’t given much to do. Charlie Storey as Piper, one of the Ice Cream kids is the only other character/actor with a bit of presence.  

The kills are entertaining enough, but that’s really all the film has going for it. The screenplay by Eli Roth and Noah Belson is painfully sub-par as well (I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if AI helped with the screenplay too). There’s an uncomfortable joke about a 12 year old with Bulemia. One semi-positive is one scene where Roth attempts to pay homage to the famous playground scene from The Birds, but even that fails to nail the landing.

Complete with an insulting and stupid non-ending, Ice Cream Man is the kind of horror film people who hate horror films think horror films are. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man literally just exists for mindless kills and gore. A shame, considering the core idea is actually pretty great. Ice Cream Man is basically just a visual effects sizzle reel. I don’t think Eli Roth will be able to bounce back after this.

1 STAR

IS SPACE MOUNTAIN NEXT???

 Ok, gather round kiddos, it's story time!!!

Back when I was a small kid, I used to be absolutely terrified of roller coasters. Like, literally paralyzed with fear. It was to the point where I did not ride Space Mountain at The Magic Kingdom until I was 18 years old. I was going to wait for my family at the Peoplemover escalators until they rode it and came back. I remember waiting, growing impatient, and finally deciding SCREW IT!!! 

That day, I rode Space Mountain for the first time all by myself, without my family or any friends. When I got off, I met back up with my very confused family at the escalators and informed them of the reason for my absence: I had FINALLY conquered a ride that had terrified me for so long. This would jump start an odd pattern where every big ride I conquered (Dr. Doom's Fear Fall, Dueling Dragons/Dragon's Challenge, The Incredible Hulk Coaster, Rock 'n' Roller Coaster, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, Velocicoaster) I would go on for the first time without my family present. I never plan these first-times to be without family, it's just the way they have always panned out.  While Space Mountain didn't cure me of my fear of coasters (That would happen with my first ride on Hulk 3 or 4 years later), I did immediately fall in love with this very special roller coaster. 

Space Mountain is actually a very important coaster. When it opened at The Magic Kingdom on January 15, 1975 it was the first ever fully enclosed roller coaster in the dark.. In other words, it was the first roller coaster to take place fully inside/indoors. It was also the first roller coaster to be fully controlled by a computer. To this day, very little has changed about the ride. 

The track layout remains the same, but the cars have been updated (the coaster cars that terrified me so as a child used to have glow-in-the dark strips on the side that I always thought made them look like shooting stars as I passed by on the Peoplemover. Those strips have since been removed), music has been added for the actual ride portion, and the moving walkway exit has been gutted. The original exit featured a moving walkway through scenes themed to space and the future. I always highly enjoyed this feature, as I found it to be comfortable, relaxing, and convenient. The walkway was ripped out in 2018 and replaced by *drumroll* carpet, meaning now you'd have to traverse the lengthy exit corridor on foot. BOO!!!!! Besides some changes, alterations, and removals, Space Mountain is much the same roller coaster guests rode back on opening day fifty-one years ago. 

Now, as current leadership has repeatedly shown, they aren't satisfied unless they are killing off all vestiges of classic Disney. Current unconfirmed rumors suggest Space Mountain might be next on the chopping block. Supposedly, Space Mountain is due for a complete track refurb. This has been done numerous times and normally entails replacing the entire track but retaining the original ride layout. This time, however, might be much different. 

The rumors are claiming that the entire queue, coaster cars, load stations, and track layout are to receive a full re-do (or as multiple outlets have worded it: a "reimagining"). This means the iconic, calming queue music might get the axe. This would also imply that the queue would have a different look and layout. Finally, this would mean that the entire coaster experience would be different from what the ride is today, as the track would follow a 100% different path. They might even get rid of the current two-track layout and make it one single track ala Disneyland's Space Mountain. Some other crazy rumors I've been hearing include: a new ride-building (no more iconic triangular Space Mountain building), Vekoma would be in charge of the re-do, the ride might go much faster (as in maybe 60mph instead of the current 27 mph), and it might be a launch coaster. UNFORGIVABLE!!! HOW LONG ARE THESE FUCKING BASTARDS GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS???!!! 

Space Mountain is my personal favorite coaster at Walt Disney World (Not the best, that honor goes to Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind). It is one of the rare rides that has personal meaning for me, as it initiated my still-ongoing journey with roller coasters. It was a large, foreboding part of my childhood and conquering it is still one of my core memories. Modern day Disney has no care for their fans or the history of their parks and attractions; all they care about is updating every single fucking thing that's deemed to be old or outdated, and if they don't care to update said old thing, then they just crumple it up and throw it away without a care or thought. Now, once again, nothing has been confirmed as of yet and there is the possibility that I'm just over-reacting. I sincerely hope that is the case, but until we get more details or a denial, I'll be over here spiraling.