SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: BATES MOTEL

 The Bates Motel is under new management. Does this mean the screams will finally stop?

When Norman Bates passes away in the sanitarium, he bequeaths his house and the Bates Motel to Alex West (Bud Cort), his best friend at the sanatorium who he took under his wing when Alex was just a young boy. Released from the sanitarium, Alex makes his way to the infamous hotel with plans for renovations. New friends assist while old ghosts stand in his way.

Lori Petty co-stars as Willie, a down-on-her luck woman who was squatting in the old Bates house. Petty is pretty bad. She’s grating and unlikable. Moses Gunn plays Henry Watson, the only other friend to Alex and another character struggling with personal problems. Moses is likely the best actor here.

Gregg Henry appears as Tim Fuller, a bank manager with his own plans for the motel. Henry is fine, doing exactly what is required of him. This is not one of his more memorable roles, though. Jason Bateman cameos as Tony (a clear reference to Anthony Perkins), a lovelorn teen who rents a room for the night. There’s not much to say about him as he has little screen time.

Bud Cort as Alex is certainly trying his best, but is stuck in one mode: awkward. He’s clearly trying to do something similar to Anthony Perkins’ Norman but completely fails to sell the role. He plays the whole thing with a wide-eyed shock and overall timidness/meekness that gets old fast. He even manages to read some of his lines wrong, in so much as some are meant to be questions but he doesn’t read them as such. 

Bates Motel was released in 1987, after Psycho 2 and 3. It makes the unwise decision to erase those films and pick up where the original classic left off before fast-forwarding to present day 1987. It’s an odd and baffling choice that, in better hands, could possibly work but definitely doesn’t here. As far as I could tell, this film doesn’t utilize the original classic sets, instead choosing to re-create them. The attempt isn’t terrible, but the look of the renovated Bates Motel is just bad. 

Richard Rothstein directs and penns the screenplay. He created and wrote the tv show The Hitchhiker, penned the screenplay for Universal Soldier, and directed two episodes of The Hitchiker. The direction is poor and the screenplay is atrocious. The writing and story might be the worst parts of this movie.

Bates Motel opts for a lighter tone that veers into comedy at times, but more often aims for supernatural mystery. A large part of this film deals with the possibility that the ghost of Mrs. Bates still haunts the grounds. Insulting and stupid. It doesn’t help matters that Bates Motel even contradicts the original classic at times (Mrs. Bates is accidentally dug up in a coffin during construction and it’s implied she might have murdered her lover, Jake).

As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, there’s even a 13th hour sub-plot involving the  ghosts of 50’s teens who died by suicide. You heard that right, actual real ghosts are included in the proceedings. It’s also very disappointing that this film doesn’t include a single death/murder. Not a one! 

Bates Motel was a made-for-tv movie that aimed to spawn a future tv series picking up after the events of the film. Luckily, this would not come to pass. The Bates Motel series that aired in 2013 is not affiliated with this failed feature-length pilot and was much better than whatever this was. If Alex West offers you a room at his renovated Bates Motel, I’d suggest you drive on by.

1 STAR

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: GUS VAN SANT'S PSYCHO

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SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: MONKEY'S MAGIC MERRY GO ROUND

 In this very special episode of Monkey’s Magic Merry Go Round, someone has stolen James’ memories!! Help him solve the case along with his pals Marty the Mailbox, King Roary the Lion, Foxy, Beaver, Octopus, Bird, and Weasel.

Michael Gilio plays children’s tv show host James, who at first glance appears like a typical, normal Mr. Roger’s stand-in. Unfortunately, he suffers from severe memory loss. As James attempts to remember, the children’s show he hosts slowly devolves into a surreal nightmare. Who is responsible for James’ lost memories? Will he ever be able to remember?

Michael Gilio is perfect as our lead. He nails both the children’s tv show host and the more unhinged parts of his personality very well. He’s equal parts hospitable and friendly, and freaky and unnerving. Franky Cesario as Monkey, on the other hand, is uncomfortable from the get go, made even more so with his unnatural human-like hands and high-pitched, wild voice. Is it James or Monkey who is the antagonist? You’ll have to watch to find out.

For the first act, this film excels at mimicking a children’s tv show. However, the longer it goes on the more it descends into something else entirely. James consistently breaks the 4th wall throughout, even well after the show has morphed into a dark, bloody acid-trip. There isn’t much story here, you could argue the children’s show aesthetics don’t last as long as they maybe should, and the film definitely loses its footing at times, but this is still a highly entertaining pitch-dark horror-comedy that should please anyone who grew up watching Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, Blues Clues, Sesame Street, or other shows like those.

4  STARS

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: SCARY MOVIE (2026)

 This time, no one is safe.

The Wayans Bros return to the Scary Movie franchise after 25 years. They don’t direct (that responsibility falls to Michael Tiddes), but they do pen the screenplay. Having missed 25 years of horror, you can feel their eagerness to play catch-up. They mostly spoof newer horror films and mainstream movies, but also include films they missed in-between (like Final Destination 3, for example).

The cast from the OG Scary Movie return, some in lead roles, some as supporting characters, and some as cameos. A new, younger cast of characters appear as well. Hell, even big names like Teyana Taylor make brief appearances. Everyone understands the film they are in, and seem to enjoy getting to relax, unwind, and not take things too seriously. The stand-outs are Anna Farris, Regina Hall, Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Dave Sheridan, Cameron Scott Roberts, and Teyana Taylor.

This sixth outing brings the franchise back to its R rated roots. It’s very stupid, very meta, and very hilarious. It definitely feels more in line with Scary Movie 1 and 2. Scary Movie 6 takes the usual throw everything at the wall and see what sticks approach. A good deal of the jokes fall flat, but a lot hit their mark. Admittedly, it does drag at points but there is always a good joke or several waiting just around the corner.

No one comes to a Scary Movie for character development or plot. They come to laugh and enjoy themselves. Scary Movie looks to entertain, and easily accomplishes its simple goal. If all you want is to laugh your behind off, Scary Movie 6 is a guaranteed good time.

3 STARS

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: EXIT 8

 In Exit 8, a meek and scared young man with asthma finds himself trapped in a liminal looping hallway that never ends. He’ll have to follow the rules and pay attention for any anomalies if he’s going to find a way out and back to his pregnant ex girlfriend. He’s not sure if he’s ready to be a father, but he’ll have plenty of time for contemplation while trapped in the hallway from Hell.

Thin on plot, but with plenty of good messages about people trapped in their own personal loops, sleepwalking through life, and the importance of waking up, deciding to take action, and finding ways to break yourself out of your own loop. Our lead gets a pretty decent arc and is competently portrayed by Kazunari Ninomiya. His little companion who pops up around half-way through the film, played by Naru Asanuma, is quite good as well. Both are likable and easy to root for.

The cinematography by Keisuke Imamura and editing by Sakura Seya don’t break any new grounds but are very competent, cool, and impressive. The production design by Kenta Tsutsumi is sparse but effective, perfectly replicating the look of the game. Genki Kawamura directs and co-writes the screenplay with Kentaro Hirase. The direction is confident and handled well.

The screenplay is fine, never really standing out or impressing. It gets the job done. Yamato Kochi as Walking Man and Kotone Hanase as High School Girl make for unsettling and effective supporting roles. The film isn’t really scary, but is consistently tense and freaky throughout. 

Exit 8 faithfully adapts not just the look, but also the experience of playing the video game it’s based on. It’s a simple but effective flick. Exit 8 doesn’t overstay its welcome and adds just enough filmic spice (character development, character arcs, messages) to make this one liminal space worth getting trapped in. It’s certainly one of the better and more impressive PG-13 horror films out there.

3.5 STARS

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST: FACES OF DEATH

 A film that wants to say something important about desensitization, the ethics of content moderation companies, and the “attention economy” of today. Unfortunately, it doesn’t find very much to say at all and the societal commentary aspect (which is just about the only thing this film has going for it) is mostly forgotten about by the third act. The killer, played by Dacre Montgomery, is very silly and has little motivation except that he wants to be famous. Montgomery is a great actor, but he is awful here as he mugs for the camera, does odd body movements, and screams into the camera for most of the run time.

Barbie Ferreria as our lead is definitely trying, but this flick doesn’t do her much favors. At least she’s better than Dacre. The editing by Taylor Levy and cinematography by Isaac Bauman are competent, shining most during a home invasion late into the film. Throughout the run time characters act in unrealistic ways and make really dumb decisions to further the plot. Much of it stretches believability, and the third act devolves into complete silliness.

Faces of Death isn’t terrible, but it also isn’t terribly good either. It’s entertaining enough for an average horror film, but isn’t as memorable, cool, effective, or timely as it should be. How disappointing.

2.5 STARS

SMALLS FRIGHT FEST: EYES OF LAURA MARS

"Death is a sacred thing."

Fashion photographer Laura Mars is famous for her faux tableaus of violence and murder. She aims to force people to confront violence of all kinds. When she unexpectedly develops the ability to voyeuristically watch murders through the eyes of a killer, it will be she who is forced to confront violence and death. 

Many view Eyes of Laura Mars as an American Giallo film, and they aren't wrong. This film has a surprisingly stacked cast including Raúl Juliá, Faye Dunaway, Tommy Lee Jones, Brad Dourif, and René Auberjonois (the film’s secret MVP). It’s also got one of the best uses of the POV shot in film. Between this and Halloween, 1978 was a damn good year for the POV shot. 

The Eyes of Laura Mars has more on its mind than just death. It’s a film about violence, voyeurism, and the spectator’s role in art. It isn’t afraid to interrogate its subject matter and it forces the audience to confront its part in viewing horror films. It’s definitely a different kind of horror flick. Think of it as horror by way of high art. 

The killer’s reveal is a bit last-minute, feels rushed, and doesn’t fully satisfy. That said, everything that comes before is of quality. The cinematography by Victor J. Kemper (Dog Day Afternoon, Xanadu, Slap Shot, The Jerk, Beethoven, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Clue, Cohen and Tate, Tommy Boy, Jingle All the Way) is impressive at moments. 

The editing is handled by Michael Kahn (Close Encounters of the Third Kind, 1941, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Poltergeist, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, The Goonies, The Color Purple, Fatal Attraction, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Arachnophobia, Hook, Jurassic Park, Schindler’s List, Casper, Twister, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Saving Private Ryan, A.I. Artificial Intelligence, The Terminal, The BFG, The Post, Bridge of Spies, Minority Report, Catch Me if You Can, War of the Worlds 2005, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Munich, Ready Player One, The Adventures of Tintin, War Horse, Lincoln, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, West Side Story 2021, The Fabelmans) and he does a great job. 

The screenplay by John Carpenter and David Zelag Goodman (Straw Dogs, Logan’s Run) is strong. The same goes for the directing by Empire Strikes Back’s Irvin Kershner (He also directed Robocop 2). The Eyes of Laura Mars is an under-appreciated horror movie that is absolutely worth a watch or several. Don’t look away.

SMALLS FRIGHT FEST: ONSLAUGHT

 In Onslaught, when a small super-soldier unit escapes from their secret military base, a divorced ex-military vet will have to protect her trailer park home and her young daughter from the unstoppable squad as they lay siege to the area. 

A step back in the right direction for Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett. There is indeed an onslaught in Onslaught, but the violence and action aren’t quite to the degree most are likely expecting. While the extended trailer park scene is quite good, the best action scene is the first one at the military base. 

Dan Stevens is entertaining and weird as Dr. Kammler, a Nazi scientist and head of the super soldier program. Michael Biehn is a welcome presence as one of the higher-ups at the company funding Kammler’s research. Unfortunately, both get minimal screen time. 

Adria Arjuna is likable as Celeste, our first lead. She is an army vet with some serious PTSD and the on-site manager of the trailer park. 

Eric Wareheim is entertaining as Kovacks, a pathetic loser cop and resident of the trailer park. Reginald VelJohnson (of Die Hard and Family Matters fame) is great as Josiah, a Vietnam vet who lives at the trailer park and is the only friend Celeste has. Drew Starkey plays Cyrus (my favorite character), an assassin sent to contain the situation. Cyrus has a lot of potential as he spends the majority of the film tripping on pure MDMA. Unfortunately, he is given very little to do. 

The screenplay by Simon Barrett isn’t the strongest. The story here is very simple, unfortunately to the film’s detriment. There are also sub-plots, reveals, and themes that go nowhere. While our cast is quirky and weird, you never feel fully invested in any of their fates. Celeste in particular hits upon the truth of the situation way too quickly. Her intuition is insanely good.

Our three man super-soldier unit is very cool, intimidating, and scary (I love how their eyes glow). They are memorable and are given brief, but interesting backstories. There aren’t many people living at the trailer park, so the “onslaught” isn’t quite as crazy as you hope it would be and the final fight between Celeste and the leader of the unit is over too quickly.

While Onslaught never quite settles into a comfortable rhythm (the film moves in starts and stops), the editing by Adam Avery and Josh Schaeffer and cinematography by Oren Soffer are very impressive and cool. The score by Matthew Pusti is deliciously synth-y and absolutely worth a purchase. 

Perhaps the most interesting thing about Onslaught is that it’s set in the world of The Guest. The super-soldier program is the next evolution of the same program that made David into the monster he is, KPG is never named in the film proper but has been heavily hinted at by director Adam Wingard to be the company at the heart of the film’s super-soldier program, and the town Onslaught is set in is Moriarty (the same town from The Guest). Moriarty doesn’t feel or look the same here, but that might be because there are minimal locations utilized and it seems the the trailer park is on the outskirts of the town. 

Onslaught is clearly heavily inspired by the films of John Carpenter, specifically his grindhouse fare like Assault on Precinct 13 and Escape from New York (I’d say this is more Escape from New York than Assault on Precinct 13, but maybe that’s just me). Onslaught is a weird grindhouse-action-horror-comedy-B Movie (with the emphasis on weird). There are a lot of plates it’s attempting to juggle, but it never does an impressive job at any of them. The plates do fall, but they don’t break. Onslaught has lofty aspirations it fails to reach. Luckily, even though it isn’t a super memorable movie, it’s still a ton of fun while it’s on.

3 STARS

SMALLS FRIGHT FEST: BUDDY

 “Bitch.”

In Buddy, a mysterious forgotten/lost kids show from the year 1999 takes a dark turn when it’s beloved host, a magical orange unicorn named Buddy, is revealed to secretly be an unhinged homicidal maniac. The kids trapped in the show decide that they must find a way to escape lest they become Buddy’s next victims. Meanwhile, the show seems to be altering our reality, with people going missing and all traces of their existence vanishing. 

A very fucked up and very funny riff on Barney. All the kids play their roles extremely well and resemble ones you’d find on a 90’s children television show. Keegan Michael-Key is perfection as Buddy. The film gets more mileage than you would expect from his voice and line delivery alone. The sound design is very effective at points as well. 

Unfortunately, the plot is pretty bare-bones and the pacing is poor. There are hints at background and lore thrown into the final 15 minutes or so, but these aren’t even attempted to be properly explored. Perhaps they are being saved for a potential sequel? Regardless, flawed though it may be, Buddy is still a very entertaining horror-comedy that likely works even better on the small screen.

3.5 STARS

COYOTE VS ACME IS FINALLY RELEASED!

If it’s ACME, it’s a gasser!”

In Coyote Vs. ACME, washed up small-time claims lawyer Kevin Avery (Will Forte) finds himself reluctantly entangled in Wile E. Coyote’s plan to sue ACME for all of its faulty products. Kevin will have to outwit Buddy Crane (John Cena), ACME’s chief legal consultant, and uncover a dark conspiracy involving ACME and all the Looney Tunes. Meanwhile, Coyote might have his own ulterior motives for suing ACME.

Coyote Vs. ACME is the first genuine follow-up to Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It’s set in a world where the Looney Tunes co-exist alongside humans. In other words, this might as well take place in the world of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. In this world, the ACME corporation has become a global conglomerate that also makes products for human use. ACME owns close to everything. 

The numerous interactions between toons and humans are entertaining and believable. The animation seems to be CGI that replicates the look of hand-drawn 2D animation, but is seamlessly and impressively integrated with the live-action world and human characters. It’s the best use of this format since Roger Rabbit. The film is also clearly modeled after Who Framed Roger Rabbit as we follow a washed-up authority figure who joins up with a toon in a search for justice. Like in Roger Rabbit, both characters start out as frenemeies before forming a genuine bond. 

Will Forte is superb as Kevin Avery, our lead. He’s very entertaining to watch and incredibly likable. He works at the law firm Avery, Jones, and Maltese. It’s a cute and clever nod to animators Tex Avery, Chuck Jones, and Michael Maltese. Forte’s Kevin feels right at home in this looney world.

The mute Wile E. Coyote is a lot of fun as the fly in the ointment or the wrench in the gears. His multiple antics often only make things more complicated for Kevin. Lana Condor is warm, sweet, and heartfelt as Paige, Kevin’s idealistic niece. She works at Kevin’s law firm and assists heavily with Wile E’s case. John Cena is clearly having a lot of fun as the evil and smarmy big-time corporate lawyer for ACME. He’s made it his mission to crush Kevin, Paige, and Wile E. (Perhaps literally). As usual, Cena’s a joy whenever he’s on-screen. 

Coyote Vs. ACME lovingly draws upon the rich history and legacy of the Looney Tunes. There are references aplenty to Looney Tunes characters and past cartoon shorts starring them. Luckily, there is more to this movie than just that. Included are incredibly poignant and timely messages about how big corporations have been screwing over the little guy for ages, about fighting the big guys, about never giving up, and about how it’s the decision to fight that’s important and not whether you win or lose.

The Looney Tunes continues to be an evergreen property. It’s wild to think that a film of such quality was almost shelved and never released (I think WB was against the film because of its aforementioned messages involving big evil corporations). Regardless, Coyote Vs. ACME landed a wide theatrical release, and we are all better for it. Looney Tunes fans and fans of live-action/animation hybrids have many reasons to rejoice. Coyote Vs. ACME is a little film with a big heart and multiple important messages. Support the little guy and buy your tickets NOW!

5 STARS

SMALL'S FRIGHT FEST: PEEPING TOM

 Welcome back, ghosties and ghoulies!!!! It's so nice to see you all again. That was quite a hibernation, but I'm back and boy does it feel good. Let's start this year's Fright Fest off with a bang by taking a look at Peeping Tom. Don't get caught!

Psycho if Psycho was a character study. Don’t expect many deaths or scares (There are a grand total of 3 deaths), though there is a good deal of tension throughout. Carl Boehm plays our protagonist/antagonist, Mark Lewis, who is very Norman Bates coded. Mark is an awkward, lonely “peeping tom” who works as a cinematographer by day and kills women for his “documentary” at night. He kills them either his camera, forcing them to watch the fear in their faces as they are being murdered.

Despite Mark being an unwell killer, he’s likable and sympathetic while still managing to be unsettling and creepy when he needs to be. It’s revealed that Mark spent his whole childhood being filmed by and tormented by his father, a biologist who wanted to study fear while also recoding a young boy’s maturation. The result leaves Mark emotionally stunted, and practically unable to go to most places without his beloved camera attached to his hip. Boehm plays the role exceptionally well and reminded me of Peter Lorre. 

Mark’s love interest, 21 year old Helen, is played by Anna Massey. Helen is Mark’s opposite as she is outgoing and lively. Both Mark and her are kind people, and Mark continually struggles to be a good person. Helen challenges Mark in fundamental and healthy ways. Massey is great in the role. 

Maxine Audley makes a strong impression as Helen’s blind mother, who, much like her daughter, challenges Mark in healthy ways. She inspires Mark to consider getting help before it’s too late. Maxine rounds out the strong cast. She makes for another very memorable character.

The cinematography doesn’t call attention to itself, though there are occasionally impressive uses of lighting and color. The cons here are some over-acting typical of the time period. The deaths all essentially occur off camera as well. This film might as well be rated PG. Peeping Tom is technically a “horror movie”, but don’t expect a typical one.

The aim here is to get audiences to sympathize and empathize with Mark, a big ask considering the very first scene is one of Mark’s murders. That said, Peeping Tom succeeds in its goal. You do feel for Mark (and Helen) by the end. Peeping Tom also explores themes of voyeurism and how it relates to filmmaking. 

Movies are an inherently voyeuristic medium that places the audience in the role of voyeur. What is a movie if not the viewer “peeping” in on someone’s private life without their knowledge or consent? Peeping Tom came out two months before Psycho, technically making it the first “slasher” movie. Some horror experts consider it the first found footage film as well since some scenes are shot from the POV of Mark’s camera. Peeping Tom is an influential and important horror film that is recommended viewing for film students, horror students, and fans of horror.

IS THE MAGIC BACK?

 Recently, I’ve been bitching about the Disney Company. Well, I’ve been forced to eat crow. It would seem that they have started taking steps in the right direction. The D23 Parks panel happened last night. First off: Nothing was announced about our Space Mountain, so it seems my girl is safe for now. THANK GOD. With that out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the announcements and updates that came out of the event.

CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS: Bryan Cranston and Jamie Lee Curtis confirmed to voice Father and Mother at the new Carousel of Progress! It re-opens late Spring 2027!

SPACESHIP EARTH: Spaceship Earth update announced. New magic brought to every scene and a new story about progress made through human connection. The update will be “classically EPCOT”.

EXPEDITION EVEREST: Yeti is announced to be returning to movement at Disney’s Animal Kingdom!!!! That’s right, they are going to be fixing the Yeti!!! IT’S A DISNEY MIRACLE!!!!! Disney has confirmed that the Yeti will be repaired, not replaced, and will remain in his current location on the ride.

AVENGERS:INFINITY FORCE AND STARK FLIGHT LABS : Robert Downey will be reprising his role of Tony Stark/Iron Man for Avengers: Infinity Defense and Stark Flight Lab! The sets for Avengers: Infinity Defense look larger than life. Chris Hemsworth will also return as Thor, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and Anthony Mackie as Captain America for Avengers. Brie Larson will return as Captain Marvel for Stark Flight Lab. Both attractions will open at Disney’s California Adventure in 2028.

INDIANA JONES ATTRACTION: Harrison Ford will be the model for the Indiana Jones AA at the new Indy ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. The ride will be called Indiana Jones and the Myth of the Jade Serpent. Riders will explore an ancient Mayan temple in the 1950s and will learn about Mayan culture and how it connects to nature. The ride will focus on a portal to the Mayan underworld and will feature gigantic mythological creatures including monstrous bats, scorpions, and serpents.

ENCANTO ATTRACTION: The Encanto ride is called Antonio’s Fiesta de Encanto and all the voice actors will be returning. There will be more than 50 animals in the ride. There is no height requirement.

NEW CARS RIDE: The name of the new Cars ride coming to Magic Kingdom is Cars Ridge Run Rally. It will feature a variety of different environments including a ride up a mountain, through snowy peaks, down rough valleys, and through geysers.

MONSTROPOLIS: The show replacing Muppetvision is called Welcome to Monstropolis starring Mike and Sulley. Mike is planning a small homespun show but Sully has bigger plans. The idea is to show humans that monsters aren’t so different from them. The show will feature the first song Randy Newman has written for a Disney park.

Harryhaussen’s restaurant will feature a sushi chef AA.

In the Monsters Inc. door coaster, riders will be lifted 40ft in the air within 4 seconds and launched into the coaster.

The new Monsters Inc land at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will open next year, with the door coaster opening later!!!

VILLAINS LAND MAGIC KINGDOM: The name for Villains Land will be…VILLAINS LAND. The story for the land is entirely new. We enter through a dark forest where we encounter a broken wishing well that has been corrupted by a dark or twisted wish. The forest is corrupted by the wishing well's toxic magic. Cruella, Facilier, The Evil Queen, and more are drawn to the magic and use it to create a place for themselves. 

The coaster will be themed to Maleficent and will ride through her twisted briars surrounding her castle. 

The second attraction will be a boat ride through the Evil Queen’s castle’s bowels, where we encounter the magic mirror and are sucked into the spirit realm.

So incredible to see Glen Close return as Cruella for D23!!! She’s still got it!!! In character, she demands Disney build a ride for Cruella but Disney doesn’t confirm that ride is coming.

TOMORROWLAND: Disneyland’s Tomorrowland is going to be re-imagined with optimism including new attractions.

JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT RE-DO: A new Journey into Imagination with Figment and Dreamfinder will debut at EPCOT!!!!

So, as you can see, the future of the Disney parks is looking surprisingly bright. It would seem the new management/creative leadership is back on the right path. So yes, I will admit that I might have jumped the gun with my complaints. If they are able to pull all of these off (and I think there’s a good chance they will), you can consider me a Dis-Fan again. Please don’t prove me wrong, Disney.

ICE CREAM MAN MELTS IN YOUR HANDS, NOT IN YOUR MOUTH

I did not scream.

Let’s address the AI controversy first. There is indeed a moderate amount of AI used throughout the movie, both in animated sequences and live-action ones. I counted at least 15 shots that might have used AI (I only counted 2 kills that might have used AI. Most of the kills seem to rely on practical effects. It has been confirmed AI was used for the animated sequences and for a flashback scene, so the rest is speculation) . When the AI is there, it’s there for literally seconds at a time, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. This flick was clearly made on a very low budget, but that’s still not an excuse.

As for the quality of the film itself… it’s pretty bad. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man plays like an uninspired riff on The Crazies, but with homicidal ice cream crazed kids murdering all the adults in their town. It feels like one of those fake trailers that played before Grindhouse. There is no story or character development and the acting sucks across the board. 

Eli Roth gets a supporting role as the dad of our main kid. He’s mostly featured in a needless dinner scene that exists solely for padding. Charles Zeltzer is Jared, our lead. Like the rest of the actors, he’s not a great but is likable enough. Dylan Hawco plays Chris, our dime-store dim-witted Zach Effron who isn’t given much to do but be a romantic interest for one of our leads. 

Ari Millen as the mute Ice Cream Man (and no, we are never given a reason for why he doesn’t speak) is one of the only actors/characters with some presence. He is given a lame and weird backstory, but it’s never explained what he does to the ice cream to curse it (yes, the ice cream is literally cursed or demonic. The characters say this out right in the third act). It also doesn’t help that he isn’t given much to do. Charlie Storey as Piper, one of the Ice Cream kids is the only other character/actor with a bit of presence.  

The kills are entertaining enough, but that’s really all the film has going for it. The screenplay by Eli Roth and Noah Belson is painfully sub-par as well (I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if AI helped with the screenplay too). There’s an uncomfortable joke about a 12 year old with Bulemia. One semi-positive is one scene where Roth attempts to pay homage to the famous playground scene from The Birds, but even that fails to nail the landing.

Complete with an insulting and stupid non-ending, Ice Cream Man is the kind of horror film people who hate horror films think horror films are. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man literally just exists for mindless kills and gore. A shame, considering the core idea is actually pretty great. Ice Cream Man is basically just a visual effects sizzle reel. I don’t think Eli Roth will be able to bounce back after this.

1 STAR

IS SPACE MOUNTAIN NEXT???

 Ok, gather round kiddos, it's story time!!!

Back when I was a small kid, I used to be absolutely terrified of roller coasters. Like, literally paralyzed with fear. It was to the point where I did not ride Space Mountain at The Magic Kingdom until I was 18 years old. I was going to wait for my family at the Peoplemover escalators until they rode it and came back. I remember waiting, growing impatient, and finally deciding SCREW IT!!! 

That day, I rode Space Mountain for the first time all by myself, without my family or any friends. When I got off, I met back up with my very confused family at the escalators and informed them of the reason for my absence: I had FINALLY conquered a ride that had terrified me for so long. This would jump start an odd pattern where every big ride I conquered (Dr. Doom's Fear Fall, Dueling Dragons/Dragon's Challenge, The Incredible Hulk Coaster, Rock 'n' Roller Coaster, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, Velocicoaster) I would go on for the first time without my family present. I never plan these first-times to be without family, it's just the way they have always panned out.  While Space Mountain didn't cure me of my fear of coasters (That would happen with my first ride on Hulk 3 or 4 years later), I did immediately fall in love with this very special roller coaster. 

Space Mountain is actually a very important coaster. When it opened at The Magic Kingdom on January 15, 1975 it was the first ever fully enclosed roller coaster in the dark.. In other words, it was the first roller coaster to take place fully inside/indoors. It was also the first roller coaster to be fully controlled by a computer. To this day, very little has changed about the ride. 

The track layout remains the same, but the cars have been updated (the coaster cars that terrified me so as a child used to have glow-in-the dark strips on the side that I always thought made them look like shooting stars as I passed by on the Peoplemover. Those strips have since been removed), music has been added for the actual ride portion, and the moving walkway exit has been gutted. The original exit featured a moving walkway through scenes themed to space and the future. I always highly enjoyed this feature, as I found it to be comfortable, relaxing, and convenient. The walkway was ripped out in 2018 and replaced by *drumroll* carpet, meaning now you'd have to traverse the lengthy exit corridor on foot. BOO!!!!! Besides some changes, alterations, and removals, Space Mountain is much the same roller coaster guests rode back on opening day fifty-one years ago. 

Now, as current leadership has repeatedly shown, they aren't satisfied unless they are killing off all vestiges of classic Disney. Current unconfirmed rumors suggest Space Mountain might be next on the chopping block. Supposedly, Space Mountain is due for a complete track refurb. This has been done numerous times and normally entails replacing the entire track but retaining the original ride layout. This time, however, might be much different. 

The rumors are claiming that the entire queue, coaster cars, load stations, and track layout are to receive a full re-do (or as multiple outlets have worded it: a "reimagining"). This means the iconic, calming queue music might get the axe. This would also imply that the queue would have a different look and layout. Finally, this would mean that the entire coaster experience would be different from what the ride is today, as the track would follow a 100% different path. They might even get rid of the current two-track layout and make it one single track ala Disneyland's Space Mountain. Some other crazy rumors I've been hearing include: a new ride-building (no more iconic triangular Space Mountain building), Vekoma would be in charge of the re-do, the ride might go much faster (as in maybe 60mph instead of the current 27 mph), and it might be a launch coaster. UNFORGIVABLE!!! HOW LONG ARE THESE FUCKING BASTARDS GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS???!!! 

Space Mountain is my personal favorite coaster at Walt Disney World (Not the best, that honor goes to Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind). It is one of the rare rides that has personal meaning for me, as it initiated my still-ongoing journey with roller coasters. It was a large, foreboding part of my childhood and conquering it is still one of my core memories. Modern day Disney has no care for their fans or the history of their parks and attractions; all they care about is updating every single fucking thing that's deemed to be old or outdated, and if they don't care to update said old thing, then they just crumple it up and throw it away without a care or thought. Now, once again, nothing has been confirmed as of yet and there is the possibility that I'm just over-reacting. I sincerely hope that is the case, but until we get more details or a denial, I'll be over here spiraling.   

MINIONS AND MONSTERS IS ABSOLUTE CINEMA

 In Minions and Monsters, James (a minion) loves to tell stories. When he and his fellow Minions land in Hollywood, they fall in love with the art of making movies. James finds his calling in filmmaking, and dreams of winning an Oscar one day. It isn’t long before the Minions become stars of the silent film era. When Hollywood makes the transition to Talkies, the Minions are cast out due to their inability to speak English.

Dick, the harsh and abrasive leader of the Minions, takes most of them on a quest to find their next villainous boss. James and his friends, the loyal Henry and the hard of hearing Ed (who speaks in his own form of sign language), stay behind to dream up a monster movie in the hopes that might be their way back into Hollywood. When James, Henry, and Ed summon Goomi (Trey Parker), a pint-sized Cthulu-esque monster, the tiny terror promises to help them free his monster friends so James can make his big movie. Unfortunately, Goomi is nicknamed “The Deceiver” for good reason. He plans to trick our trio of Minions into summoning a Blob-esque monstrosity named Irene, who is also known as The Eater of Worlds.

An unabashed love letter to film, the history of film, silent films, sci-fi pictures, and monster movies. Minions and Monsters is chock full of references to classic movies (such as The Muybridge Experiment, From the Earth to the Moon, Modern Times, E.T., Citizen Kane, The Great Train Robbery, The Matrix, Safety Last!, and more), and famous actors and directors (including George Lucas, Charlie Chaplain, and Buster Keaton, just to name a few). It even opens with the very first logo for Universal Studios (which I had never seen before). 

Pierre Coffin voices all of the Minions, co-pens the screenplay with Brian Lynch, and directs. He does an excellent job at each. You can feel the passion and love for the film he is making as well as film itself in every frame. The voice cast is surprisingly stacked. Allison Janey voices the narrator (named Olivia), Jesse Eisenberg voices Dort (The Minion’s latest ‘Big Boss’), Jeff Bridges voices Frank and Elwood Bright (Owners of the movie studio the Minions were employed at), Trey Parker voices Goomi (and sounds very much like Cartman throughout), Christoph Waltz voices Max (The director for many of the films the Minions star in, he kindly takes James under his wing and encourages him to follow his passion), and George Lucas voices himself (in a cameo). 

Minions and Monsters is the best an Illumination film has ever looked, thanks to the work of art director Charlotte Hutchinson. The scenes of old Hollywood are sumptuous and the entire movie has a borderline French look to it. Simply put, it looks consistently beautiful and gorgeous. The 3-D doesn’t add much to the proceedings, but Minions and Monsters still looks colorful and pretty in this format, meaning you won’t waste your hard earned dollar should you opt for the extra dimension. The score by John Powell is beautiful as well, with plenty of homages to classic Hollywood scores and songs (like ‘Hooray for Hollywood’ or the ‘Casablanca’ theme). The score is also Illumination’s best. 

The only real complaint is that the second act drags a bit. Dick and the minions follow Dort around (who strikes up a very cute relationship with Suffragette Debbie, voiced by Zoey Deutch). Meanwhile, Goomi takes James, Henry, and Ed to a far off island where two of his monster pals are frozen. These portions aren’t unwatchable, but they don’t captivate like what came before and what comes after. You shouldn’t feel the length of a ninety minute movie, but you start to during these parts.

Cinephiles should find much to delight in here, but this is more than just a film about film. There is a strong undercurrent involving friendship, following your dreams, and how there is nothing you can’t do if you dedicate yourself to a purpose and have good friends to support you. There is plenty of the zaniness/silliness you have come to expect from those chaotic little bastards known as the Minions, but this third outing in the Minions franchise surprises with its charm, sweetness, and earnestness. It’s easy to become invested in the friendship between James and Henry, and it’s this friendship that, unexpectedly, is the beating heart of the movie.

Minions and Monsters is a totally winsome film. It’s very possible this little beauty will not only get kids to fall in love with film, it very well might inspire a whole new generation to try their hands at filmmaking. The visual gags land more than they miss, the humor and chaos is strong, and this one can hit you lightly in the feels with it’s themes about friendship and following your dreams no matter what. Minions and Monsters celebrates both the big names and the underdogs of film. There is plenty here for both adults, kids, and film obsessives to love and enjoy, making Minions and Monsters the rare superb Illumination film.

4.5 STARS

BITCHING ABOUT THE MOUSE

 My opinion about Walt Disney World has continually degraded since 2020. I had been frustrated with the direction of the company since 2010. The frustration turned into downright anger in 2020, where one terrible decision created a domino effect for the company. Before we get to that decision though, let's quickly talk about Maelstrom and Frozen Ever After. 

MAELSTROM/FROZEN EVER AFTER

Maelstrom was the name of the popular and cult classic Norway boat ride. Maelstrom would take guests on a brief thrilling boat ride through the myths of Norway including, prominently, angry trolls. The main feature of the ride was an iconic backwards portion that ended with the back of guest's boats sailing partially outside the building and into view of waiting guests.  Maelstrom would close in 2014 to make way for a, let's be honest, cheap overlay themed to Frozen. When Frozen Ever After opened in 2016, guests found that the backwards portion remained intact, but the outdoor opening had been crudely shuttered. 

The audio-animatronics featured in the attraction had screen-projection faces, which guests openly rebelled against. EPCOT would replace the screen-projected faces in late 2025 with classic physical faces, everyone thought that Disney had learned their lesson, but we would later be proven wrong. In 2017, Disney made another questionable decision by closing The Great Movie Ride for Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railroad. This attraction I have been able to go on, and while it's nowhere near as good as The great Movie Ride, I still loved it. Now, onto that terrible company altering decision. 

SPLASH MOUNTAIN/TIANA'S

In 2020, amidst the George Floyd protests, Disney caved to angry white people and announced the permanent closure of Splash Mountain for Tiana's Bayou Adventure. Walt Disney World stated the official reason for the closure was racist undertones/overtones within Splash Mountain. The only issue with this stated reason for closure is that Splash Mountain did not have any complaints about racism within the attraction for the decades it had been open before then. Having been on the attraction many times during my visits to Walt Disney World, I can attest to this fact myself. 

There was nothing racist about Splash Mountain. True, it was adapted from an incredibly racist film called Song of the South, but just because something is adapted from racist source material doesn't mean that the adaptation is automatically racist as well. For example: Splash Mountain removed all traces of the Tar Baby from the ride, thereby erasing one of the most problematic aspects of the movie and the original Brer Rabbit stories. Tiana's was announced to be set after the events of Princess and the Frog.

 Walt Disney World later confirmed that the fan favorite villain Dr. Facilier would not make an appearance in the ride. Why? Because Disney didn't want to scare small children. The only problem with this was that the ride still features a 50ft fall. Regardless of Disney removing Dr. Facilier, the ride would still scare youngsters due to it being, you know, A THRILL RIDE!!!

 By removing the good doctor, the ride would lose all pacing and tension, the falls no longer making sense within the story that is being told. Now, it's Mama Odie who sends us down the big fall because...reasons. Tiana's would feature some incredible, brand-new Audio-Animatronics but these would prove to be incredibly problematic as they suffer from frequent breakdowns and as of this writing aren't in the best of shape. It's almost like if Disney didn't kow-tow to the angry mob, the attraction would be in much better shape today. Instead, they carelessly tore out one of the iconic, defining attractions of the Disney parks (With Splash closing down in 2023 and Tiana's opening in 2024). They even went so far as to remove Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah from all park music loops. It's almost like they want to pretend that Splash Mountain never existed. To this day, I still have not been on Tiana's. 

COUNTRY BEAR JAMBOREE AND THE HAUNTED MANSION

Disney would also completely update The Country Bear Jamboree in 2024 because of supposedly offensive material in the original show (See: Liver Lips McGraw, Blood on the Saddle, Mama Don't Whoop Lil' Beauford), creating brand new animatronics and turning the Jamboree into a sing-along featuring Country Music versions of classic Disney tunes. I don't take as much offense with this update as I feel it could have turned out so much worse than it did. 

As it stands, I have not seen the current version in person, but judging from Youtube videos, it looks like the new Jamboree is enjoyable and watchable. In 2022, Walt Disney World added a much-requested fan-favorite lost ghost to The Haunted Mansion: The Hatbox Ghost would be added, but the placement of the new audio-animatronic would perturb some fans. The Hatbox Ghost was added to the hallway with the floating candelabra. The issue this time was that placing Hatbox here directly contradicts the story and flow of the Mansion. 

Traditionally, the first half of The Haunted Mansion features allusions to ghosts, but we don't see any full-bodied specters until madam Leota does her seance. Placing Hatbox in the first act therefore contradicts the established story. I suppose you could argue that Imagineers were following the story of the new Haunted Mansion movie where Hatbox is the villain and is unaffected by Leota's powers. Unfortunately, that film was fairly poorly received (I liked it!), so you could easily claim that choosing to make elements of that film canon was a bad idea. This is another addition I have not seen in person yet, though I'm more ambivalent on this one. From the videos I've seen, I think the figure looks great but agree that his placement wasn't the best. 

TOM SAWYER ISLAND/RIVERS OF AMERICA/THE LIBERTY BELLE

In 2025, Tom Sawyer Island, The Liberty Belle Riverboat, and The Rivers of America would all permanently close to make way for a new Cars Land complete with two new attractions. While the land is still under construction, I am not happy with how this played out. Cars simply does not fit into Frontierland, no matter how much Disney tries to retroactively change the meaning and theme of Frontierland. Magic Kingdom was built with the Rivers of America in mind, and having a body of water in the park helps to make the surroundings cooler (in temperature). I understand that Tom Sawyer Island and The Liberty Belle were not popular attractions and that the demolition was done in an effort to add capacity to the park, but this was still not a wise move. 

By ripping out the Rivers of America, they have fundamentally changed the look and structure of the entire Magic Kingdom park. I know it's a moot point by now, but Walt would not be pleased. Magic Kingdom will never again look like the park I grew up with. I know you could say the same thing about the closure of the 20000 Leagues Under the Sea lagoon, but my point still stands. 

MUPPET*VISION 3D AND MUPPETS COASTER

2025 had another prominent closure of a beloved attraction: Muppet*Vision 3D. This shuttering hit hard due to this being the last project Jim Henson ever touched before his untimely death. Muppet*Vision 3D and the surrounding Muppet Courtyard were to be demolished for a new Monsters Inc. area that is to feature a hanging door coaster. While the demolition pissed off many fans (myself included), there was a light on the horizon. Disney would close Rock 'n' Roller Coaster in 2025 to make way for a Muppet overlay in 2026. 

While some fans were displeased with the final product (The coaster is a poor fit for the Muppets due to its intensity, they scream) and while I haven't ridden it yet, judging from Youtube vids, it looks like the rare W for Walt Disney World in recent years. The re-theming was done with a lot of passion for the Muppets, the new pre-show features a Scooter AA along with limited movement Penguin AAs, and Statler and Waldorf even get a brief cameo at the end of the ride. Some props from Muppet*Vision 3D made it into the queue, load area, and gift shop, such as the old poster of a Muppet-fied Jim Henson. I've always seen Rock 'n' Roller Coaster as a coaster that is meant to act as a steppingstone to the 'Big Boy' coasters like Hulk and Velocicoaster. I also feel the "intensity" perfectly fits the madcap mayhem the Muppets are known for. 

TEST TRACK 3.0, ANIMATION COURTYARD, AND CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS

In 2025, Walt Disney World re-opened Test Track with a brand new re-theme. I already posted a mini-review for it, but I'll just repeat that it's another rare W for Walt Disney World and is likely the best version of the attraction we've gotten. This year, Walt Disney World unveiled their re-theme of Animation Courtyard. I haven't seen this yet, but just going off the pictures taken, I think it's yet another W for Walt Disney World. The area feels much more open with some fake grass placed here and there. 

There are many references to classic Disney animated characters, and figurines of some of these characters are placed about the area, some in easy to see spots and others in more hidden areas. This is one many weren't expecting much out of, and it seems most were pleasantly surprised. It's the rare time where Disney over-delivered. Just recently Walt Disney World closed down the Carousel of Progress for a complete overhaul with brand new scenes and new AAs (including one of Walt Disney himself). I already spoke my thoughts on this in an earlier post and they remain the same. There are other attractions that are more in need of an update than Carousel was, and I'm very much hurt I never got to say a final farewell. 

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

For the final update to discuss, we trek over to Disneyland in Anaheim, California to check out what the Imagineers and corporate did to the original classic: Pirates of the Caribbean. This directly relates back to the projected faces on Frozen Ever After and the placement of the Hatbox Ghost in Haunted Mansion. In the cave scenes, the powers that be removed the skeleton atop a mound of treasure and replaced him with a new AA with a screen-projected face. This is yet another change I have yet to see in person, but from everything I've seen...it looks (and sounds) BAD. 

According to Imagineering, this is the same character as before, but now we're getting to see how he became a skeleton. The idea of the pirate being caught in a perpetual loop of greed is a good one (The pirate drops a cursed coin. He comes back to life, looks around, picks up the coin out of greed, which causes him to turn into a skeleton. He flops back over, dropping the coin and breaking the curse. And on and on for eternity). The placement is, however, very poor as it ruins the creepy and foreboding atmosphere of the first act of the ride in the caves/grotto. He should have been placed at the very end of the ride, bringing the whole attraction full circle. 

The AA looks very cartoonish and silly, to the point where it distracts more than impresses and the goofy ass noises he makes disrupt the superb ambient noise and score during the first act of the ride. Imagineering touted this figure as "next-generation", even though we've seen this exact tech done to superior effect over at Epic universe in Monsters Unchained. In reality, the new Pirate AA is just a tweak to tech that's already existed for a decade now. It's apparently accomplished using Unreal Engine, which is the same software used for Fortnight. This explains why the new pirate is so goofy, ugly, and distracting. 

Corporate and Imagineering were more interested in satisfying their investors and shareholders than they were with keeping long-time fans happy, in the process diluting what is one of the best attractions on Earth (This one addition by no means destroys Pirates of the Caribbean, but it definitely detracts from or dilutes the atmosphere, pacing, and story of the ride. Heck, I'm not even a big fan of the Jack Sparrow and Barbosa AAs added to the POTC attractions back in 2006/2007.). 

WRAP-UP

Disney is no longer in the business of finding ways to stand out from the crowd or differentiate itself from its competitors. Remember when Fastpasses were free, for example? In the modern day, Disney is mostly concerned with chasing trends, finding ways to make their rides more kid-friendly and PC, and putting profit ahead of the guest experience. It's become abundantly clear in recent years that Disney could give less of a fuck about their guests and fans. That is the most disappointing thing of all. The Disney brand used to mean something, now it means just about nothing. 

IS CITIZEN VIGILANTE THE WORST FILM OF 2026?

 “They might (go to jail for the rest of their lives), of course, we won’t know till the end of the trial, and that could take years. And of course you’d have to participate in that trial, telling the story of what those men did to you over and over in a room full of people who are going to call you a liar and try to poke holes in every detail of your story. And we’ll also have to get lucky with the judgement. You never know how those things are going to turn out. And then during that long and expensive trial, we have to hope and pray that the men who did this to you don’t do the same exact thing to somebody else. Is that the justice you want?”

“I’m here to help you take that control back. I’m here to show you that you are no longer the victims. I’m here to show you that it’s time to go out and show these fuckers they aren’t getting away with it anymore. Remember, I do this for you until you learn to do it for yourself.”

Genuinely one of the most abhorrent films I have ever seen. Actual cannibal Armie Hammer stars as the American owner of several apartment properties in Europe. He travels overseas without a passport or proper documents in an attempt to rid Europe of criminal immigrants. The original title of this movie was ‘The Dark Knight’. This makes sense as Hammer’s character is blatantly copied after Batman, except this time he’s evil.

This might as well be the nail in the coffin for Hammer’s career. There’s one scene where he frequents an apartment floor where prostitutes do business. He buys one, has sex with her, and then proceeds to complain about mold in the room, revealing he owns the building. The twist in reality is that it’s actually Hammer who is the whore, accepting money to star in a terrible movie with terrible values like this.

Citizen Vigilante’s politics are disgusting and sickening. Here is a film that culminates in the vigilante murdering an entire Muslim family because their son and his friends raped a fourteen year old girl (He also murders the son and his friends as well). The Vigilante also winds up killing numerous judges near the end because he doesn’t approve of their verdicts and even kills innocent people driving a car to prove a point. 

Citizen Vigilante has no business talking to audiences from a perceived high ground as in the previously stated prostitute scene, the camera openly ogles the numerous sex worker’s breasts and butts, objectifying them in the process.

Those looking for action or violence won’t get much of it as the majority of the film consists of Armie Hammer walking around, pouting, inspecting buildings, and monologuing to the camera and to characters on and off screen. When there is violence, it’s gratuitous and gory (often with bad CGI). This flick delights and revels in it. It ogles violence the same way it ogled those sex workers’ bodies.

The technical aspects are awful. The editing is some of the worst I’ve seen, jumping back and forth in time with very little rhyme or reason. The cinematography is ugly and amateurish, and the score is tough to listen to. The direction by Boll is what we’ve come to expect from him, which is to say it’s bad. Costas Mandylor co-stars as an interpol official determined to bring the vigilante to justice. Shame on him for agreeing to act in this movie.

Citizen Vigilante is not a movie, it’s an excuse for Uwe Bill to get on a soapbox and scream his disgusting and abhorrent politics at us. He hates all immigrants, legal or not, and is incredibly racist. It’s a film meant to trigger liberals and doesn’t attempt to hide its true purpose: to incite violence. This is not just a terrible movie, it’s a dangerous one as well and it’s all but guaranteed to leave you feeling dirty and unclean by the end. 

0.5 STARS

SUPERGIRL IS SUPER DISAPPOINTING

 Let me start by saying I did not hate this film. Overall, I’m pretty ambivalent about it. It’s trying to be a mixture of Guardians of the Galaxy and Star Wars, but doesn’t do either well. There are elements here that work well enough on their own. Too bad they’re attached to a dud.

The editing by Fred Raskin and Tatiana S. Riegel is a jumbled, god-awful, convoluted, non-sensical mess. The screenplay by Ana Nogueira doesn’t fare much better. She gives us zero reason to get invested in either of the two main plot lines. There are great, meaningful messages that land with a thud due to the film they’re attached to not being very good. There are also contrivances and conveniences aplenty. I honestly was expecting a multitude of people to be credited for the screenplay with how poor and messy it turned out.

Matthias Schoenaerts is the worst offender of the actors as main villain, Krem. He’s a space bully who is more annoying than he is threatening, intimidating, or memorable. Krem is about on the same level of bad as many First Phase MCU villains, if not worse. I fucking hated him.

Eve Ridley as Ruthye is not good. She is a more annoying version of Athena from Tomorrowland, but with far less to do.  Ruthye had her family butchered in front of her by Krem, and Kara had Krypto shot with a slow-acting poison by Krem. This is what binds our two heroines together and sets the plot into motion.

Milly Alcock as Supergirl, Jason Momoa as Lobo (who only gets around 15 minutes of screen time), David Corenswet as Superman, and David Krumholtz as Zor-El are the stand-outs acting and character wise. Jason Momoa is letting loose and having fun as Lobo, a bounty hunter with a real devil-may-care attitude. He’s a lot of fun but isn’t of much import to the proceedings. Maybe one day he’ll get his own movie. I’d say he deserves one (so long as the talent behind the camera is of higher quality than the crew we have here).

David Corenswet continues to prove he’s perfect as Superman in his few all-too-brief scenes. Milly Alcock as Supergirl does great (the scattered scenes of her backstory are certainly better than most of the rest of the film). Kara is essentially the female version of Star-Lord. Her development is very well done and it’s appreciated that she is heavily flawed.

It’s a shame that the film bearing Supergirl’s name doesn’t live up to her character. She deserves a better movie than this. I can only hope she has roles to play in upcoming films, maybe then she can truly fly. There is no unified, creative vision for this movie. It feels like Craig Gillespie did not have full creative control (studio meddling?).

Supergirl, unlike its main lead, lacks personality and a unique identity. I genuinely don’t know who to blame for this one. Did James Gunn or the studio take too much of a hands on approach? Does Ana Noguiera deserve to take most of the blame for her poor screenwriting skills and lack of vision for the product she churned out?  Did editors Fred Raskin and Tatiana S. Riegel kneecap the movie with their choppy, confusing, and scattershot job? Maybe it’s all three? Either way, the end result is the same: a disappointing, unexciting superhero flop that sinks instead of soars.

2 STARS

PRIDE MONTH HORROR: LEVITICUS

 Leviticus wants to be It Follows for queer people, but doesn’t exactly succeed in its goal. The concept of a murderous entity taking the form of the one you love most is a very scary, freaky concept. It’s scarier than anything that actually happens in the film. Running at approximately 90 minutes, the quickness of the sequence of events can feel rushed or even nonsensical at times. This is another one that would have gained a bit by extending its run time.

This flick is grappling with some deep, meaningful themes such as the importance of human connection, some people’s desire to keep queer lovers apart, the deadly consequences of forced isolation, religion’s effects on queer people (the way they see each other and their love), and more. It doesn’t execute all of these themes well, but it gets enough right. We never learn much about the evil religious healer who summons the deadly entity, and the rules for this entity aren’t fully fleshed out. It’s also somewhat unrealistic that not a single other person in this film is supportive of our leads’ relationship.

The strongest things about Leviticus are the performances of Joe Bird and Stacy Clausen, and the chemistry they share. The love these two have for each other is palpable and feels real. Clausen’s Ryan doesn’t get quite as much screen time as Joe Bird’s Naim, which feels a bit odd (the film is told purely from the pov of Naim). Both actors sell the hell out of their roles and the material they are given. They are a large part of the reason why this flick works as well as it does.

Leviticus is far from a perfect film. It’s certainly flawed (for example: the too quick ending, or that the solution to our leads’ problem isn’t too hard to guess for those paying attention), but it’s tense, sad, freaky, effective at times, and perfectly captures part of the queer experience. It’s genuinely trying to say something meaningful. I really appreciate the effort.

3.5 STARS

IT'S TIME TO PUT THE TOYS BACK ON THE SHELF: TOY STORY 5

Cute, harmless, but doesn’t do enough to justify its existence by the end. While Toy Story 5 bills itself as a tech vs toys story, it’s ultimately a check Toy Story 5 cant cash, nor does it really want to. The story this go-round is more about Jessie coming to terms with her traumatic past. Luckily, everything that has to do with this is fairly solid, it’s the parts surrounding it that come up lacking. This 5th outing is disjointed and uneven as the film spends most of its time juggling sub-plots and locations. 

Jessie and Bullseye find themselves stranded at Jessie’s old house after her attempt to follow Bonnie along on a sleepover goes south. Buzz is at Bonnie’s house trying to keep things in order while stressing over how to properly proclaim his love for her. Woody winds up at Bonnie’s house after a jumbled communication from Jessie leaves him thinking she needs his help. Meanwhile a horde of updated Buzz Lightyear toys attempt to survive in the wild. All this while our beloved toys struggle to face potential obsolescence at the hands of screens and tech.

Toy Story 5 never finds a comfortable balance between all of these subplots. The Buzz Lightyear horde don’t serve much of a purpose except as filler and a 13th hour deus ex machina. The toys vs tech element is mostly forgotten about by the start of the second act, and the conclusion that “tech are toys too” is more than a little underwhelming. Buzz and Woody are essentially after thoughts. The main plot concerning Jessie and her past is very well done, and it’s conclusion gave me serious feels and chills. 

The MVP of the film is Conan O’Brien’s Smarty Pants, a sarcastic potty training device that sounds drunk when low on batteries. He winds up befriending Jessie and helps her find her way home. Toy Story 5 is not a bad movie, but it doesn’t come anywhere near the ridiculous highs of the first 3 films. In the end, it makes a strong argument that it might be time to put the toys away as, at this point, much like the main plot of the film, this franchise is being used mainly to appeal to nostalgia while offering very little that’s new or of import to say. Our beloved toys are being used solely to make a quick buck.

3 STARS

THE FURIOUS IS HERE TO KICK ASS AND CHEW GUM...AND IT'S ALL OUT OF GUM

 Oh yeah, this hit the spot. It gives you the The Raid: Redemption fix you didn’t know you needed. The story is simple: a father (Miao Xie) looking for his abducted daughter and a detective (Joe Taslim, of The Raid: Redemption fame) searching for his missing wife team up to track down the men responsible and bring them to justice. It doesn’t take long before they realize they’ve started a war with a child trafficking ring.

The direction by Kenji Tanigaki, the cinematography by Meteor Chung, and the editing by Chris Tonick are all perfection. The fight choreography by Kensuke Sonomura is fast, furious, and beautiful. It’s like watching a perfectly timed dance. The entire film is pretty much non-stop, high-octane action. The final fight in particular had a big, goofy grin plastered on my face for the duration of it.

The actors all do convincing jobs. It’s good to see Joe Taslim back on the big screen in a martial arts film. Miao Xie impresses mightily as the mute father. His fighting is the best out of all the characters. Yayan Ruhian (also of The Raid: Redemption fame) shines as the second in command of the child trafficking ring. If you’ve seen his previous work you know what he is capable fighting wise, and he does not disappoint. Joe Taslim and him get to fight each other again, which feels great to see.

Brian Le is surprisingly memorable as a dim-witted goon who’s built like a tank and doesn’t know when to stay down. He’s destined to become a fan-favorite character. Joey Iwanaga leaves an impression as the head of the nefarious operation. He doesn’t really take center-stage until the third act, but he plays his unhinged role well. 

The only real negatives is some of the blood looks CGI and the dubbing (English over English) is noticeably off. It’s almost like they had some actors mouth the words so an English voice-actor could come in later and dub-over their lip-syncing. That’s it for the bad. It’s really small potatoes when weighed against the scale of everything else this film does oh-so right.

The Furious is an instant classic. It’s bloody, breathless, fast-paced, and totally exhilarating. It’s also easily one of the best films of 2026. If you are a fan of action-films done right, you would do wise to seek this one out ASAP. It will have you leaving the theater feeling bruised, battered, but victorious and screaming for more.

5 STARS

TIME TO CELEBRATE PRIDE MONTH WITH MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

 “Let’s fist some bad guys!”

Gay icon He-Man RETURNS!!!! Masters of the Universe is like watching a self-aware live-action Saturday morning cartoon. This film embraces its silly roots, and never takes itself too seriously. It even pokes fun at itself in some moments. Everyone assembled is perfectly cast, from the lead players like Jared Leto as Skeletor, Nicholas Galitzine as Adam/He-Man, Idris Elba as Duncan/Man-At-Arms, and Camila Mendes as Teela, to supporting players like Jóhannes Haukur Jóhannesson as Fisto, Jon Xue Zhang as Ram Man, Kristen Wiig as Roboto, and Christian Vuniopola as Hussein. Everyone is having an absolute blast

Jared Leto puts on his best performance in years as Skeletor. The voice isn’t quite right, but he looks perfect and his personality is highly entertaining. He owns every scene he’s in. His laugh is perfect!

Nicholas Galitzine as Adam nails his role as well. For the first act he is a total pussy, but once he wields his mighty sword, he gets a lot better and a lot more attractive (It’s not just his body that gets an upgrade, but his hair as well). He makes for a pretty good role model for kids as he is in touch with his emotions, consistently shows vulnerability, and while he isn’t above throwing fists, he believes in the value of attempting to talk things out first. Camila Mendes as Teela, Adam's love interest, is very likable and unbelievably hot. She's essentially second lead.

All the best parts of Masters of the Universe take place in Eternia, and 90% to 95% of the film take place here. Less than 30 minutes take place on Earth (around 20 to 25 minutes are on Earth). The production design by Guy Hendrix Dyas and the costume design by Richard Sale are beautiful and very cool. Everything is consistently appealing to look at. The score by Daniel Pemberton (with Queen's Brian May on guitar) is incredibly cool and adds much adrenaline to the proceedings. It’s very sonically pleasing. 

There is a good deal of action, and every fight scene is excellent and fun. That said, there are plenty of lulls in-between where characters take time to talk to each other and get caught up with events they had missed. While Masters of the Universe isn’t non-stop action, it always manages to hold your attention and entertain.

With strong direction by Travis Knight (CEO of Laika and sin of Nike founder Phil Knight), this adaptation of Masters of the Universe feels like you are watching a live-action Saturday morning cartoon. I’ve never seen the source material and I imagine it differs a good deal from the show people grew up with, but this is still a quality product. Masters of the Universe is a guilt-free, highly entertaining good time.

3.5 STARS

EPCOT 2.0

 The last time I had been to EPCOT was way back in 2015, when it was still construction wall city. A lot has changed since then, and I just recently had the chance to re-visit the park. What are my thoughts? I will say the entrance is a ton better than the old one. They've added trees, greenery, and a little fountain with a sculpture directly in front of Spaceship Earth.

 Very nice, very aesthetically pleasing. There's also a new background loop which might be better than the old one that used to play in this area. World Showcase still has the same layout, but Future World has been re-vamped considerably. Gone is the Fountain of Nations (R.I.P.), replaced by a concrete area with a garden structure in the middle and some greenery and trees surrounding it. It doesn't feel as open as the area used to, and overall it's not very inviting. 

The trees and greenery surrounding the new structure light up and glow at night, but the garden structure itself does not (it's still broken). Innoventions has been ripped out, and in its place are a large open stage and a new building called Communicore Hall. Communicore Hall is essentially a large hallway where temporary exhibits can be housed. When I visited, it was hosting "Goofy-Core", which basically uses the space as an area for kids to go crazy and play in. In the middle is a round DJ stage where a cast member instructs kids on what to do, even though many seemed to disregard instructions and choose to just play-fight with each other instead. 

There was very little theming to Goofy-Core, the extent of which was some colorful banners that adorned the walls. Very disappointing as there's not much to do inside and the open air stage is outdoors in the sweltering heat with very little shade. Overall, Communicore Hall is a LARGE downgrade from Innoventions. The only other things worth mentioning is that in the UK area they added a bunch of freaking adorable tiny fairy homes situated around a Tinkerbell topiary. I don’t know if this is just for the Flower and Garden Festival, but I hope it’s a permanent addition. 

The model train garden in the Germany area is cute as heck too (as it always is).  What about the rides and restaurants in EPCOT, I hear you ask. Well, take a seat and get comfy. Let's discuss.

SPACESHIP EARTH - This will always and forever be one of my favorite attractions of all time. It's just so comfy, chill, and cool. That said, it needs a refurb. The narration by Judy Dench is by no means bad, but it is outdated with some very cringe-y jokes and the entire descent to the unload area needs a total re-do. The video you are forced to watch during this portion is very cheap and embarrassing. It resembles something you could create on JibJab back in the day and utilizes effects that were outdated even when it was first introduced. 

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY: COSMIC REWIND - WHAT A THRILL!!! WHAT A RUSH!!! The planet Xandar from the first Guardians of the Galaxy film has set-up an informational exhibit in EPCOT that aims to inform visitors about how cool and great Xandar is, as well as the many similarities Earth and Xandar share, including that both were formed by The Big Bang. During a demonstration of some teleportation technology, the Celestial Eson crashes the proceedings. He steals the Cosmic Generator, which is used to create portals in space to transport vehicles from point a to point b in a flash. 

Eson aims to use this device to travel back to before The Big Bang to prevent the creation of Earth and mankind. It's up to us and the Guardians of the Galaxy to stop him, mainly by acting as a distraction until the Nova fleet (Xandar's military) can arrive and contain him. This was my first time on the attraction, and I wasn't expecting much. Boy was I wrong! This baby reaches speeds of 60 MPH and features randomized 80s pop music.

 I got 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World', and it RULED!!! The queue for the attraction is serviceable. There are total of 4 pre-shows (if you count the initial holding area you wait in for the first pre-show to reset). The first pre-show with Glen Close is great and effective, with some minimal (inadvertent?) motion-simulator elements.  The next two featuring Terry Crews...eh, not so much. 

The teleportation effect is very cool and impressive, but Terry Crews is simply atrocious and annoying. It feels like he was miscast. The coaster itself more than makes up for these flaws though. It's essentially a mixture of Rock 'n' Roller Coaster (The randomized music tracks) and Space Mountain (a family coaster in the dark with star fields projected on the walls and support beams). There are no falls or inversions. 

This is an incredible and very fun "omni-coaster", so called because the coaster cars rotate to face screens placed throughout the ride which display the Guardians of the Galaxy fighting Eson. The attraction doesn't exactly fit the original mission statement of EPCOT (You could easily argue it doesn't belong or fit in EPCOT at all) despite some minimal educational aspects in the queue. All that being said, I never thought I would say this, but Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind is easily the best coaster in all of Walt Disney World. Be aware there is no single rider option for this attraction, so be prepared to wait upwards of an hour to board (I feel like the long wait times are mostly due to the time spent in the multiple pre-shows).

SOARIN' ACROSS AMERICA - This was perfect. I haven't been on Soarin' Around the World, so all I have to compare this to is the original Soarin'. 'America' certainly isn't as great as 'California', but it would appear to be leagues better than 'World', judging just from videos I've seen of 'World'. This is a genuine throwback to the OG. I LOVE that they brought back the LEGEND Bruce Broughtner to score this temporary update. Jerry Goldsmith scored California and World, but Broughtner scored many classic EPCOT attractions such as 'Honey, I Shrunk the Audience', the Judy Dench version of Spaceship Earth, and Ellen's Energy Adventure. 

The score for 'America' is very reminiscent of that for 'California', but with some tweaks that help to differentiate it a bit. The first portion of the queue is home to multiple stylized travel posters that pay homage to the previous iterations of the attraction while also teasing some of the new locations we'll be visiting this go-round. The attraction itself is very relaxing, calming and pleasing, with plenty of scents that are utilized including grass, ocean spray, and Louisiana Bayou swamp. The first few scenes do feature some egregious CGI, but it doesn't take long for 'America' to settle into it's rhythm and utilize actual footage of real locations. Overall, this is a total win and should just totally replace 'World' altogether. 

LIVING WITH THE LAND - I used to only care about the first indoor potion, but I find that I equally enjoyed the outdoor greenhouse area this time as well. I'm shocked to say that, as of right now, this is likely the overall best attraction at EPCOT.

GRAN FIESTA TOUR - This is obviously not my first time riding this attraction. It's a good ride, and I'll always go on it, but I miss the calm tone and cool (and at times creepy) atmosphere of El Rio del Tiempo. Gran Fiesta Tour is very chaotic and fast-paced, which isn't bad. It's just not my preferred flavor of boat ride. Still worth a ride or several though.

SAN ANGEL INN - This is where we ate lunch/dinner. It's the restaurant located inside the Mexico pavilion and is situated by the first scene of Gran Fiesta Tour (which features a large Mayan pyramid and an erupting volcano). San Angel Inn is basically Walt Disney World's version of the Blue Bayou restaurant at Disneyland. It's always nighttime inside the Mexico pavilion, and this creates a fantastic, cool, and relaxing atmosphere for dining guests. The quality of the food was superb and the menu items weren't exorbitantly priced. 

THE AMERICAN ADVENTURE - Always and forever a timeless attraction, even it isn't always fully historically accurate. Some of the audio-animatronics need a bit of work as it looks like some figures' mouths no longer move . That being said, you can't help but be completely bowled over and wow'd with the scale of the show and the dedication and love that went into making it. It never fails to impress, It always gives me chills throughout, and I always tear up at the end. The best show in all of Walt Disney World PERIOD!

REMY'S RATATOUILLE ADVENTURE - Underwhelmed. It works well enough without the 3-D, but you can definitely feel that something is missing (I never got to ride the 3D version, but I could sense its removal). It needs more sets and props as the majority of the attraction is just screens with little theming. 

My favorite scene is the pantry, where some of the ride vehicles hide the way real rats would. This is a cute ride that has adorable ride vehicles with personality (I honestly think the ride vehicles are the best part of this attraction). I wouldn't wait longer than 30 minutes to ride this.

CANADA FAR AND WIDE - Not as good as the previous two versions, but still pleasing, beautiful, and occasionally moving. Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara (R.I.P.) make for decent and entertaining narrators/guides. This is one of the most underrated films/attractions at EPCOT and is always worth a watch. I LOVE Circlevision 360, and this is one of the few of this type of attraction we have left. 

JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT - Easily the weakest ride at EPCOT. Badly in need of a total overhaul. I don't know why I continue to go on this. It's cute enough and the theming is decent at times. 

I also dig the queue (Where else can you see the real Weebo from Flubber?) Not a fan of the chaos demon this attraction turns Figment into. He's very unlikable and annoying, and this Figment isn't true to the original Figment from the original Journey into Imagination. This attraction is harmless, but it's well past time it's replaced with something better.

TEST TRACK - None of the versions of Test Track have been perfect, but this one is the closest we've gotten. It could use some explanation concerning the male and female voices (maybe a brief pre-show/queue video). The male is human, the female is our car, but what is his role and what exactly are we doing? This isn't exactly a "test track" anymore, but more of a journey into the future of automobiles. 

The screens in the 'house of the future' portion are the weakest part. BRING BACK THE SPRAYING ROBOTS!!! They would fit the theme of that section, which concerns updating and working on your car at home. The first scene of the ride, where a city street fades into a trillion points of bright blue light, is incredible. 

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the 'Fun to be Free' forest joy ride portion before the 65 MPH section. While the outdoor 65 MPH speed section is still thrilling and invigorating as hell, I'd actually say the 'Fun to be Free' portion is the best part of this attraction. I wouldn't say this third iteration of Test Track is perfect, but it's close. BRAVO!!!!

And now, with our tour of EPCOT 2.0 coming to its inevitable end, that means it's time to head back to our hotel. My family stayed at the Coronado Springs Resort and boy, was it gorgeous!!! The main tower, which is inspired by a Disney animated short with a neat history called 'Destino' and opened July 2019, is beautiful. We stayed in the older original area, though and it's equally as beautiful as the new tower, just more homey. Our room had multiple art themed to The Three Caballeros adorning the walls. 

The food court was very nice. The morning empanadas I ate were some of the best I've had in a while. Very delicious. Overall, I absolutely adored my time here and would more than happily choose to stay here again.

So, that's it for EPCOT 2.0. Overall, I'd say EPCOT 2.0 is a lateral move from the EPCOT of the 2000s. A little bit was gained, and a good deal was lost, but it still mostly feels like the same EPCOT. That being said, there is a good deal of attractions in the park that are badly in need of work or updating, which begs the question: Why is Carousel of Progress getting updated first when there are other offerings more in need of upgrades and renovations in EPCOT? Oh, that's right, because corporate demands their lifelike Walt audio-animatronic be placed in one of their parks. Regardless, I highly enjoyed my time at EPCOT 2.0 and look forward to visiting again, hopefully soon. 

GET LOST IN BACKROOMS

“If you're not careful and you noclip out of reality in the wrong areas, you'll end up in the Backrooms, where it's nothing but the stink of old moist carpet, the madness of mono-yellow, the endless background noise of fluorescent lights at maximum hum-buzz, and approximately six hundred million square miles of randomly segmented empty rooms to be trapped in. God save you if you hear something wandering around nearby, because it sure as hell has heard you.”

In Backrooms, failed architect turned unsuccessful furniture salesman Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofor) stumbles into an alternate world consisting of liminal spaces and misremembered objects and places. Fascinated, he spends the following weeks mapping out and exploring this alternate world.. When Mary (Renate Reinsve), Clark’s therapist, receives a concerning voicemail, she decides to search for him, inadvertently finding herself trapped in The Backrooms. Unfortunately for both Clark and Maria, there is much more to fear in The Backrooms than just getting lost.

Backrooms is directed by twenty-year-old Kane Parsons, adapted from his YouTube series, which itself is based on the Backrooms Creepypasta. His directing is superb and feels immediate, youthful, experimental, daring, and fresh. The screenplay was penned by forty-five-year-old Will Soodik, and is superb as well. It’s very rich, thoughtful, and Jungian. Our characters are fully fleshed out and three-dimensional as well.

Jeremy Cox handles cinematography, and Greg Ng is in charge of editing. Both do excellent jobs. The cinematography can be dizzying at times and always excels at disorienting the viewer. Backrooms is mostly shot traditionally, but there are refreshing portions that rely on found footage or shaky cam. These portions work better than most recent found-footage films.

Danny Vermette is production designer for Backrooms and does phenomenal work. Backrooms’ locations are incredibly uncanny, liminal, and unsettling, and the 90s aesthetics are accurate and nostalgia-inducing. This is definitely one place you would not want to be trapped in. The score is composed by Kane Parsons and Edo Van Breeman. It’s striking, strong, and very synth-y, adding tension and unease to the proceedings throughout.

Chiwetel Ejiofor and Renate Reinsve both turn in compelling and engaging performances. Ejiofor knows how to switch between nuance and extremity. His role requires a lot from him and he delivers. Reinsve, on the other hand, is more subdued and quiet throughout. That said, she portrays terror exceptionally well. 

Unfortunately, Backrooms doesn’t give Lukita Maxwell or Finn Bennett much opportunity to shine. Mark Duplass fares better as Phil, an Async employee tasked with exploring and documenting the Backrooms. Duplass is sprinkled in sporadically throughout the proceedings. He takes a nothing character and makes him interesting and memorable.

Backrooms doesn’t rely on jump scares to frighten its audience. It chooses to instead drop them into a world of tension and unease and forces them to stew in it. It is filled with heady concepts that it wants audiences to ponder.  Fans of psychology and Jung might find themselves pleasantly surprised with the proceedings. 

Backrooms has so much going for it, so where does it go wrong? Unfortunately, the film chooses to constrain itself to less than an hour and forty-five minutes of run time. This means character arcs are rushed, weeks to months are skipped over, and the interior workings and psyches of our leads could have been more fully explored. An extra twenty minutes or more would have given this almost-masterpiece and its characters more room to breathe. Another potentially polarizing element is this: The lore from the Backrooms Creepypasta remains intact, but Parsons makes a choice that might anger some die-hards regarding whether or not an entity lurks within. Luckily you don’t need to be familiar with said lore to enjoy this film.

While there could have been more to Backrooms, what we’re given is still very strong, and works mostly exceptionally well on its own. There is so much to Backrooms that this movie could easily spawn an entire franchise, with new characters populating each additional entry. This first entry works as a sturdy, strong foundation for future films. Only a fraction of The Backrooms is explored here, and you can only imagine what more there is to see in this terrifying alternate world. 

Backrooms is a very strong outing for first-time director Kane Parsons. It’s the kind of film only a twenty-year-old could make, and I mean that in the best way possible. It’s heady horror that wants audiences to engage with its many ideas. It plays like an episode of the Twilight Zone mixed with House of Leaves. What’s here is very satisfying, but I want more and eagerly look forward to future installments.

4.5 STARS

CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS CHANGING: WILL THERE STILL BE A GREAT, BIG, BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW?

"There's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day.

There's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow,

And tomorrow's just a dream away.

Man has a dream and that's the start.

He follows his dream with mind and heart.

And when it becomes a reality,

It's a dream come true for you and me.

So there's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day.

There's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow,

Just a dream away."

Walt Disney's Carousel of Progress premiered at the 1964 World's Fair and returned for the 1965 World's Fair. Created by Imagineers Bob Gurr, Roger E. Broggie, and others, the show aimed to take guests on a journey from the 1900s all the way to an imagined future, showing progress and innovation throughout the turn of the century, and how things deemed impossible at the time would eventually become excitingly real. The show depicted an optimistic and humorous vision of the past and future. It reminded guests that there is always a great, big, beautiful tomorrow waiting for all of us, and that the wheels of progress are ever in motion. 

The Carousel of Progress opened on July 2, 1967, with minimal changes from its initial version. It would close on September 9, 1973, and move to the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World where it would open to guests January 15, 1975. This time extensive changes were made to the production. This iteration would move counterclockwise opposed to the clockwise rotation of the previous two versions. The original versions featured stunning kaleidoscopic screens in the load and unload theaters. These screens would stretch from one wall to the other and featured a giant GE logo in the center. For the Magic Kingdom show, these screens were replaced with silver curtains and a GE logo in the middle.  Colored lights would shine onto the logo. 

A new song was written for the Florida show, at the behest of sponsor GE. This song was called "The Best Time of Your Life." The song would be retired in 1994, and replaced by the original song for the attraction, "There's A Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow" (Both songs were created by The Sherman Brothers). New audio-animatronics (including those for Father and his family) would be created for the Walt Disney World Carousel of Progress, and a new voice cast was hired to voice them. The original voice of Father, Rex Allen, would be replaced by Andrew Duggan. The breed of Rover would be changed too. The sets for each time period would under-go design changes as well, and the finale would be updated to "New Year's Eve in the Home of the 1970s". In 1981, the finale would be changed once again to "New Year's Eve in the home of the 1980s".

GE would choose not to renew their sponsorship of the attraction on March 10, 1985. The Carousel of Progress would close shortly after to remove all references to GE, and the GE logo in the load/unload theaters would be covered up by a round blueprint logo for the show. Despite Disney's best efforts, The GE logo could still be seen on a select handful of appliances in the attraction. On August 16, 1993, The Carousel of Progress was closed yet again for an extensive refurb to bring the attraction closer to the theme of "The Future That Never Was". The theaters were re-designed to feature cogs and gears, which were prevalent throughout Tomorrowland at the time, and a Cog/Gear version of the show's logo would replace the blueprint logos in the load/unload theaters. The finale was changed to "Christmas in the House of 2000". Jean Shepherd would replace Andrew Duggan as the voice of Father, and Rex Allen would return to voice Grandfather in the finale. This version would debut on November 23, 1994. 

Speaking of progress, Walt Disney World announced on May 28, 2026, that The Carousel of Progress would be closing July 5, 2026. The show is set to receive a complete update for 2027. An Audio-Animatronic of Walt Disney is to be added in a scene inspired by 1964's "Disneyland Goes to the World's Fair", where Walt first pitched the idea of the carousel. Every show scene would change eras/decades, as well. The first scene/act would now be set in the summer of 1969 and feature our carousel family gathering around the tv to watch the moon landing. The second scene/act is Halloween Night 1985. During this portion, Sarah (aka Mother) will take over to show off the different gadgets and appliances in the home. The third scene/act will take place New Year's Eve 1999 and will focus on the advent of the internet. The 4th scene/act/finale will zero in on our carousel family in the far future and will feature a helpful robot (Really hope this part isn't pro-AI). Supposedly this final act will draw inspiration from sketches drawn by Imagineer John Hench. 

I grew up with the 1994 version of The Carousel of Progress, and it quickly became one of my most beloved attractions at any of the parks. Growing up in a troubled family, the show's catchphrase "There's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow, shining at the end of every day" helped to inspire me and get me through rough days. I grew to love our carousel family, and the show became a comfortable, nostalgic blanket for myself. The Carousel of Progress wasn't a particularly popular offering, but it remained beloved and cherished by all. Much like Splash Mountain, it's a Disney staple and a classic attraction that has weathered and stood the test of time. The finale has badly been in need of an update for quite some time now, but there was nothing wrong with the rest of the show. There are rumors swirling that the reason for the total overhaul is because of the controversial and less savory aspects of the early 1900s, and this renovation/re-tool is being done so that audiences will only remember what Disney wants them to, effectively sweeping the displeasing dust of the past under the proverbial rug. 

I want to be optimistic about this update, but even with the recent successes of Animation Courtyard and the Muppets' re-theme of Rock 'n' Roller Coaster, I can't help but be skeptical of the current leadership at Walt Disney World and the Disney Company at large. After all, these are the idiots who killed Splash Mountain because "Racism" and tore out Tom Sawyer's Island, The Liberty Belle, and The Rivers of America because "Them kids just LOVE the Cars films, let's plop a new Cars land down in an area where it doesn't fit". So, for the time being there will be no "great, big, beautiful tomorrow, shining at the end of every day" and only time will tell if tomorrow will still be great, big, and beautiful when the show re-opens next year. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for now, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. 

 Below is the full announcement:

A Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow: The Ever-Changing Carousel of Progress - Disney Parks Blog

HALLOWEEN HORROR NIGHTS FAVORITES

 Since it's *checks calendar* May, and I'm already in the Halloween spirit (Yeah, I know. Sue me.) I figured why not post some lists of my favorite Halloween Horror Nights years, houses, and scarezones. These lists are not ranked or numbered. 

*** = The best of the best! 

Let's start with story time!!! Way back in the 90s, when I was in the single-digits, I lived next door to a neighbor who would go to HHN every year without fail. Since my family and theirs always went on walks together, during the Halloween season they would regale me with tales of their experiences at Halloween Horror Nights. It all sounded so cool and so scary to me. What appealed most was their descriptions of the theming and stories behind the scarezones, houses, and Icons. I never thought I would have the courage to attend the event, but I quickly became a mega-huge fan of HHN regardless. 2007 was the first year I considered going and 2008 was the first year I finally bit the bullet and attended my first ever HHN. My first house ever was Dead Exposure, which was intense, dark, and scary. I remember thinking that if the rest of the event was like Dead Exposure, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Luckily, the other houses had more lighting and theming, and so I realized that I could actually handle HHN!!! The whole event had a fun Halloween carnival/party type atmosphere that was infectious and fun. While the atmosphere has changed a good deal over the years, I still remain a mega-huge fan of the event to this day. 

Now, onto the Zones!!

SCAREZONES

***Streets of Blood (HHN 18)

***The Skoolhouse (HHN 18)

***Fractured Tales (HHN 18)

***Asylum in Wonderland (HHN 18)

***Horrorwood Die-In (HHN 19)

***Containment (HHN 19)

***Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (HHN 19)

The Coven (HHN 20)

***Saws N Steam (HHN 20)

Acid Assault (HHN 21)

Grown Evil (HHN 21)

Canyon of Dark Souls (HHN 21)

***Nightmaze (HHN 21)

*** The Purge: Anarchy (HHN 24)

***Icons: HHN (HHN 25)

Invasion! (HHN 27)

***Rob Zombie's Hillbilly Deluxe (HHN 29)

Vikings: Undead (HHN 29)

Gorewood Forest (HHN 30)

***Jungle of Doom: Expedition Horror (HHN 32)

Shipyard 32: Horrors Unhinged (HHN 32)

HOUSES

***The Hallow (HHN 18)

Creatures (HHN 18)

***Body Collectors: Collections of the Past (HHN 18)

Dead Exposure (HHN 18)

***Silver Screams (HHN 19)

***Leave it to Cleaver (HHN 19)

Frankenstein: Creation of the Damned (HHN 19)

Dracula: Legacy in Blood (HHN 19)

Hades: The Gates of Ruin (HHN 20)

Psychoscareapy: Echoes of Shadybrook (HHN 20)

***Zombigeddon (HHN 20)

Catacombs: Black Death Rising (HHN 20)

Legendary Truth: The Wyandot Estate (HHN 20)

***Havoc: Dogs of War (HHN 20)

Horror Nights: The Hallowed Past (HHN 20)

The Thing (HHN 21)

***The Forsaken (HHN 21)

***The In-Between (HHN 21)

***Winter's Night: The Haunting of Hawthorne Cemetery (HHN 21)

***Nightingales: Blood Prey (HHN 21)

Nevermore: The Madness of Poe (HHN 21)

***Saws N Steam: Into the Machine (HHN 21)

H.R. Bloodengutz Presents: Holidays of Horror (HHN 21)

***Dead End (HHN 22)

Gothic (HHN 22)

***An American Werewolf in London (HHN 23)

AVP (HHN 24)

Roanoke: Cannibal Colony (HHN 24)

***Halloween (HHN 24)

***Insidious (HHN 25)

***Freddy vs. Jason (HHN 25)

***Jack Presents: 25 Years of Monsters and Mayhem (HHN 25)

***Body Collectors: Recollections (HHN 25)

AHS: Vol 2 (HHN 27)

***Scarecrow: The Reaping (HHN 27)

The Shining (HHN 27)

Dead Waters (HHN 27)

The Fallen (HHN 27)

Hive (HHN 27)

***Graveyard Games (HHN 29)

***Universal Monsters (HHN 29)

House of 1000 Corpses (HHN 29)

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (HHN 29)

Welcome to SCarey: Horror in the Heartland (HHN 30)

***HHN Icons: Captured (HHN 30)

***Case Files: Legendary Truth (HHN 30)

***Texas Chainsaw Massacre (HHN 30)

***Wicked Growth: Realm of the Pumpkin (HHN 30)

***Puppet Theater: Captive Audience (HHN 30)

Revenge of the Tooth Fairy (HHN 30)

***Dr. Oddfellow's Twisted Origins (HHN 32)

***Dueling Dragons: Choose Thy Fate (HHN 32)

***Blood Moon: Dark Offerings (HHN 32)

***The Darkest Deal (HHN 32)

Now, let's see which House location has had the best lineup of houses over the years!

DISASTER QUEUE

***Leave it to Cleaver (HHN 19)

***Zombiegeddon (HHN 20)

H.R. Bloodengutz Presents: Holidays of Horror (HHN 21)

JAWS QUEUE

*** Saws N Steam: Into the Machine (HHN 21)

MIB TENT

House of 1000 Corpses (HHN 29)

Welcome to SCarey: Horror in the Heartland (HHN 30)

PARADE WAREHOUSE

***Silver Screams (HHN 19)

Horror Nights: The Hallowed Past (HHN 20)

***The Forsaken (HHN 21)

Roanoke: Cannibal Colony (HHN 24)

***Graveyard Games (HHN 29)

SECOND PARADE WAREHOUSE

***Universal Monsters (HHN 29)

SOUNDSTAGE 20

***Body Collectors: Collections of the Past (HHN 18)

***Dead End (HHN 22)

Gothic (HHN 22)

SOUNDSTAGE 21 

***Jack Presents: 25 Years of Monsters and Mayhem (HHN 25)

AHS: Vol 2 (HHN 27)

SOUNDSTAGE 22

Creatures! (HHN 18)

Legendary Truth: The Wyandot Estate (HHN 20)

***Winter's Night: The Haunting of Hawthorne Cemetery (HHN 21)

***An American Werewolf in London (HHN 23)

The Shining (HHN 27)

SOUNDSTAGE 23

Frankenstein: Creation of the Damned (HHN 19)

Dracula: Legacy in Blood (HHN 19)

Hades: The Gates of Ruin (HHN 20)

Psychoscareapy: Echoes of Shadybrook (HHN 20)

The Thing (HHN 21)

***Nightingales: Blood Prey (HHN 21)

***The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (HHN 30)

***Blood Moon: Dark Offerings (HHN 32)

SOUNDSTAGE 24

AvP (HHN 24)

***Freddy vs Jason (HHN 25)

***Body Collectors: Recollections (HHN 25)

The Fallen (HHN 27)

Dead Waters (HHN 27)

Revenge of the Tooth Fairy (HHN 30)

***HHN Icons: Captured (HHN 30)

***Dueling Dragons: Choose Thy Fate (HHN 32)

SHREK 4D THEATER

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (HHN 29)

***Case Files Unearthed: Legendary Truth (HHN 30)

SPRUNG TENT 1

***The Hallow (HHN 18)

***The In-Between (HHN 21)

Catacombs: Black Death Rising (HHN 20)

***Scarecrow: The Reaping (HHN 27)

***Puppet Theater: Captive Audience (HHN 30)

***The Darkest Deal (HHN 32)

SPRUNG TENT 2

***Dead Exposure (HHN 18)

***Havoc: Dogs of War (HHN 20)

Nevermore: The Madness of Poe (HHN 21)

***Halloween (HHN 24)

***Insidious (HHN 25)

Hive (HHN 27)

*** Wicked Growth: Realm of the Pumpkin (HHN 30)

***Dr. Oddfellow's Twisted Origins (HHN 32)

So, going by the above list, the locations that tend to have the best houses are Sprung Tent 1 (5 Best of, 6 memorable houses total), Sprung Tent 2 (5 Best of, 8 memorable houses total), Soundstage 23 (3 Best of, 8 memorable houses total), Soundstage 24 (4 Best of, 8 memorable houses total), and Parade Warehouse (3 Best of, 5 memorable houses total)

Now, onto Scarezone locations!

NEW YORK CITY STREETS

***Streets of Blood (HHN 18)

***Saws N Steam (HHN 20)

Acid Assault (HHN 21)

The Purge: Anarchy (HHN 24)

CENTRAL PARK

Grown Evil (HHN 21)

***Trick r' Treat (HHN 27)

Vikings: Undead (HHN 29)

Gorewood Forest (HHN 30)

***Jungle of Doom: Expedition Horror (HHN 32)

HOLLYWOOD

***Asylum in Wonderland (HHN 18)

***Icons: HHN (HHN 25)

SAN FRANCISCO

***Horrorwood Die-In (HHN 19)

Invasion! (HHN 27)

***Rob Zombie's Hillbilly Deluxe (HHN 29)

Shipyard 32: Horrors Unhinged (HHN 32)

TRANSFORMERS ALLEY

The Coven (HHN 20)

Nightmaze (HHN 21)

MEL'S DRIVE-IN AREA

*** The Skoolhouse (HHN 18)

KIDZONE

***Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (HHN 19)

INTERNATIONAL FOOD BAZAAR

Canyon of Dark Souls (HHN 21)

PRODUCTION CENTRAL

***Containment (HHN 19)

For Scarezones, it looks like the locations with the strongest Scarezones are Central Park (2 Best of, 5 memorable zones total), San Francisco (2 Best of, 4 memorable zones total), New York City Streets (2 Best of, 4 memorable zones total), and Hollywood (2 Best of, 2 memorable zones total)

Last but not least, let's go through each year, listing the houses and scarezones that have been named above, in order to see which years have been the strongest overall!!

HHN 18

***Streets of Blood (ZONE)

***The Skoolhouse (ZONE)

Fractured Tales (ZONE)

Asylum in Wonderland (ZONE)

***The Hallow (HOUSE)

Creatures (HOUSE)

***Body Collectors: Collections of the Past (HOUSE)

Dead Exposure (HOUSE)

HHN 19

***Horrorwood Die-In (ZONE)

Containment (ZONE)

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (ZONE)

***Silver Screams (HOUSE)

***Leave it to Cleaver (HOUSE)

Frankenstein: Creation of the Damned (HOUSE)

Dracula: Legacy in Blood (HOUSE)

HHN 20

The Coven (ZONE)

***Saws N Steam (ZONE)

Hades: The Gates of Ruin (HOUSE)

Psychoscareapy: Echoes of Shadybrook (HOUSE)

***Zombigeddon (HOUSE)

Catacombs: Black Death Rising (HOUSE)

Legendary Truth: The Wyandot Estate (HOUSE)

***Havoc: Dogs of War (HOUSE)

Horror Nights: The Hallowed Past (HOUSE)

HHN 21

Acid Assault (ZONE)

Grown Evil (ZONE)

Canyon of Dark Souls (ZONE)

***Nightmaze (ZONE)

The Thing (HOUSE)

***The Forsaken (HOUSE)

***The In-Between (HOUSE)

***Winter's Night: The Haunting of Hawthorne Cemetery (HOUSE)

***Nightingales: Blood Prey (HOUSE)

Nevermore: The Madness of Poe (HOUSE)

***Saws N Steam: Into the Machine (HOUSE)

H.R. Bloodengutz Presents: Holidays of Horror (HOUSE)

HHN 22

***Dead End (HOUSE)

Gothic (HOUSE)

HHN 23

***An American Werewolf in London (HOUSE)

HHN 24

*** The Purge: Anarchy (ZONE)

AVP (HOUSE)

Roanoke: Cannibal Colony (HOUSE)

***Halloween (HOUSE)

HHN 25

***Icons: HHN (ZONE)

***Insidious (HOUSE)

***Freddy vs. Jason (HOUSE)

***Jack Presents: 25 Years of Monsters and Mayhem (HOUSE)

***Body Collectors: Recollections (HOUSE)

HHN 27

Invasion! (ZONE)

AHS: Vol 2 (HOUSE)

***Scarecrow: The Reaping (HOUSE)

The Shining (HOUSE)

Dead Waters (HOUSE)

The Fallen (HOUSE)

Hive (HOUSE)

HHN 29

***Rob Zombie's Hillbilly Deluxe (ZONE)

Vikings: Undead (ZONE)

***Graveyard Games (HOUSE)

***Universal Monsters (HOUSE)

House of 1000 Corpses (HOUSE)

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (HOUSE)

HHN 30

Gorewood Forest (ZONE)

Welcome to SCarey: Horror in the Heartland (HOUSE)

***HHN Icons: Captured (HOUSE)

***Case Files: Legendary Truth (HOUSE)

***Texas Chainsaw Massacre (HOUSE)

***Wicked Growth: Realm of the Pumpkin (HOUSE)

***Puppet Theater: Captive Audience (HOUSE)

Revenge of the Tooth Fairy (HOUSE)

HHN 32

***Jungle of Doom: Expedition Horror (ZONE)

Shipyard 32: Horrors Unhinged (ZONE)

***Dr. Oddfellow's Twisted Origins (HOUSE)

***Dueling Dragons: Choose Thy Fate (HOUSE)

***Blood Moon: Dark Offerings (HOUSE)

***The Darkest Deal (HOUSE)

HHN 33

ZIP!!! ZILCH!!! NOTHING!!!! NO FAVORITE HOUSES OR SCAREZONES!!!

WRAP-UP

The absolute best year for zones was HHN 18, HHN 19, and HHN 29

The absolute best years for houses were HHN 18, HHN 21, HHN 25, HHN 29, HHN 30, and HHN 32.

The strongest houses were Body Collectors: Collections of the Past (HHN 18), Silver Screams (HHN 19), Leave it to Cleaver (HHN 19), Zombigeddon (HHN 20), Havoc: Dogs of War (HHN 20), The Forsaken (HHN 21), The In-Between (HHN 21), Winter's Night: The Haunting of Hawthorne Cemetery (HHN 21), Dead End (HHN 22), An American Werewolf in London (HHN 23), Halloween (HHN 24), Freddy vs. Jason (HHN 25), Insidious (HHN 25), Jack Presents: 25 Years of Monsters and Mayhem (HHN 25), Body Collectors: Recollections (HHN 25), Scarecrow: The Reaping (HHN 27), Graveyard Games (HHN 29), Universal Monsters (HHN 29), HHN ICONS: Captured (HHN 30), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (HHN 30), Wicked Growth: Realm of the Pumpkin (HHN 30), Puppet Theater: Captive Audience (HHN 30), Dr. Oddfellow's Twisted Origins (HHN 32), Blood Moon: Dark Offerings (HHN 30), and The Darkest Deal (HHN 30).

The strongest zones were Streets of Blood (HHN 18), The Skoolhouse (HHN 18), Horrorwood Die-In (HHN 19), Saws N Steam (HHN 20), The Purge: Anarchy (HHN 24), ICONS: HHN (HHN 25), Rob Zombie's Hillbilly Deluxe (HHN 29), and Jungle of Doom: Expedition Horror (HHN 32).

My personal favorite years are HHN 18, HHN 19, HHN 21, HHN 25, HHN 29, HHN 30, and HHN 32. The years with the highest score is  HHN 21, followed by HHN 29, and then HHN 25 (HHN 25 and HHN 29 are just about equal). 

My favorite year of all time is HHN 21. 

After doing extensive math, the most balanced years I’ve attended are HHN 20, HHN 25, HHN 27, and HHN 29. 

That about does it for now. If I get the pleasure of attending HHN 35 you can bet I’ll post a review like always.