SMALLS' TOP 15 OF 2015

It's that time of year again folks! The time where I get to talk about what I consider to be THE BEST FILMS OF THE YEAR!!!! This is probably the toughest year I've had to do this. I've waged wars inside my head between films, and have re-edited and refined this list countless times till I felt satisfied with it.  Before we count down the top 15, let's start with some honorable mentions.

Krampus- Michael Dougherty's follow-up to Trick r' Treat is very fun, but is hurt a good deal by it having a PG-13 rating forced on it. Luckily the ending is different and dark (VERY dark), and the practical effects and creature designs are superb and chilling. If you want a different kind of Christmas film (one with horror influences), Krampus is definitely the way to go.

Tomorrowland- The rare original film in a time where copy-and-paste is the norm. Not only that, but it also offers us a look at a utopian future that COULD BE.....if we have the strength to feed the right wolf (optimism for the win!). Yes, some elements could have fleshed out or explained better, and what we find once we finally get to Tomorrowland (The film is more of a different kind of road trip film for most of its run time) is kind of disappointing. That said, I love the film's hopeful message and the cast assembled all do a great job. Tomorrowland is a fun little diversion (I also finally got one of those pins).

Star Wars: The Force Awakens- Oh, I can already hear the angry BOOS. Yes, yes, shame on me for not putting this film on the best of the year list. Well, it's a real sign of a quality year when a film that's this good had to be reluctantly left on the side because there just wasn't enough room for it. Yes, this film is great. It's also very fun. I agree that a lot here does feel VERY familiar, but that doesn't change the fact that this is still a highly entertaining and nostalgic outing (that brings us a new kick-ass villain).


And now.....THE LIST

15. DOPE- FINALLY, a film that lives up to it's title. Dope is indeed very dope! Shameik Moore (as Malcolm, our lead) is a superstar, Blake Anderson (from Workaholics, he plays Will) is fantastic as well, and Chanel Iman (as Lily) has a very nice body. The film itself manages to take viewers on a hectic, fun, and cool ride. I like that its main character is a geek who's goals are to go to Harvard, avoid gangs, stay out of trouble and start his own band. The film also celebrates people's individuality and how those who don't fit in may have a foot above the others. Dope is sure to leave you feeling high.

14.  THE GIFT- Not your ordinary thriller. This is a DARK film, that goes to some pretty dark and surprising places at times. It's also tense and suspenseful as hell.  I would equate this to the experience I had reading Gone Girl. The Gift is a film that enjoys teasing, taunting, and playing with viewers. All the actors do fantastic jobs, and Joel Edgarton should be commended for pulling off what must have been a difficult balancing act writing, directing, and acting in this film. If you like thrillers, I'd say you'll likely love this film.

13.  JURASSIC WORLD- I know there's a faction of people out there that REALLY did not enjoy this film. I am not one of them. It's not a perfect film, and there are definitely some flaws here....but they managed to create a Jurassic World that felt real and lived in. I honestly forget that these are sets I'm watching. I've waited for 22 LONG years for a good Jurassic Park sequel, and for my money Jurassic World more than fits the bill. It pays homage and respect to the original classic, staying true to the main themes of Jurassic Park while still managing to find ways to have tons of fun on it's own. I've seen Jurassic World numerous times, and it still feels like I'm going home whenever I watch it. I love this film, and have absolutely no qualms putting it on my best of list.

12. KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE- A highly enjoyable ride. The film has some of the best scenes of the year, and the best Sam Jackson performance of the year as well (That's right, I said it. I think he's better here than he was in Hateful Eight). Great performances, great fun, and useful tips about what it takes to be a gentleman. Kingsman is definitely a memorable time. If you haven't seen it yet, stop what you're doing and check it out. It's worth it.

11. THE NIGHT BEFORE- Who would have ever guessed that the best comedy of this year would be a christmas film. Not only did this film have a fantastic message about friendship, it was also more fun than you could shake several sticks at. I saw it twice in theaters, and both times were some of the most memorable theatrical experiences I've had. What else can I say except The Night Before is definitely one film you would do well to add to your stocking (Plus, who doesn't love JGL playing a regular schmoe or Seth Rogen doing his best performance in years?).

10. SICARIO- A bleak, pitch dark, hopeless, disturbing, and violent movie. It is filled with an unrelenting tension and suspense, and aided by top notch performances from its cast (Del Toro was most certainly robbed at The Oscars this year, he deserved at least a nomination. Blunt was pitch perfect as well.). The cinematography by Roger Deacons is also superb. Sicario is almost a dark horror film, and it's definitely a tough watch, but I applaud it for handling it's subject matter in a mature, adult way. This is without a doubt Denis Villeneuve's best film.

9. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD- George Miller is 70 years old, but he can still direct a film like it's nobodies business as can be sampled with his latest outing. Mad Max: Fury Road is a return to form not just for Miller, but for the action/post-apocalyptic genre as well. There isn't much plot here (Never before has a trailer so accurately depicted what a film is....A big, long, crazy chase scene), but the action and characters speak for themselves. The cinematography by John Heale is superb and breathtaking (he also worked on Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone, Dead Poets Society, and Rain Man just to name a few). The world that George Miller and crew created here is gorgeous and just about fully realized ( a real achievement). Overall, Mad Max: Fury Road is a beautiful, delightfully insane film that is definitely worth checking out.

8. THE MARTIAN- I'm so happy that there is finally a film that makes science, space, NASA, and Mars cool again. The script sizzles (Thank you Drew Goddard), the acting is great all around (with the standouts being Matt Damon and Chiwetel Ejiofor), and the soundtrack is tops. Despite some real serious subject material (We're dealing with a man's struggle to survive despite almost insurmountable odds), The Martian manages to be a very funny and fun film. It's thoroughly enjoyable. It's also a notable film because we get to watch Ridley Scott rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. Could this be a new start for the once great director? Only time will tell, I suppose. The Martian is a phenomenal, moving, and touching film that is one of the ultimate tales of man vs. nature (Yupp, I'm gonna say this one is WAY better than The Revenant). It's handled like it's telling a true story, and indeed it does feel real. Not only will you laugh, you'll also find yourself on the edge of your seat, and heck, you may even shed a few tears. SCIENCE!

7. STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON- Straight Outta Compton is a biopic about NWA, and therefore we get the life stories (more or less) of Eazy E, Ice Cube, and Dr. Dre (It's almost like 4 bio pics rolled into one.....how cool is that?).  O'Shea Jackson Junior plays Ice Cube, Corey Hawkins is Dr. Dre, and Jason Mitchell is Eazy E. All three are phenomenal in their roles and are real discoveries. Paul Giamatti is stellar as NWA's good hearted but somewhat shady manager Jerry Heller. We also get cool supporting performances from Keith Stanfield as Snoop Dogg and Marc Rose as Tupac.  I will say the film is 2 hours and 31 minutes, and it does feel pretty long but it's all in the service of one of the finest, most powerful, moving and informative films of 2015 (I know I definitely learned some stuff I never knew before, and I'm all the better for it. You want to know how the phrase 'Bye Felicia' came about? You'll learn that and a whole lot more in this film). Some of the best scenes in film in 2015 are in Straight Outta Compton, as well as some of the best performances of 2015 as well. It's a damn shame that the film was basically robbed at the Oscars (It was only nominated for Best Original Screenplay when it should have popped up in several categories IMO). Straight Outta Compton is sure to please any music lover, lover of bio pics, or lovers of great films in general. It's one of the ultimate underdog stories.

6. THE HATEFUL EIGHT- Or, as I like to call it, H8ful. I am so glad I got to see this in 70 mm (complete with an overture, an intermission, and a take home program), and I would gladly see it again in this format. The Hateful Eight is a film about eight hateful people (in that they are fairly easy to dislike/hate) holed up in a general store together during a harsh winter. One or more are not who they say they are, and have murder and betrayal on their minds. That's all I'll say for the plot. The first act is a bit slow, and very dialogue heavy (I definitely noticed this more here than I have in other Tarantino films, characters also use the N word WAY TOO MUCH), but luckily the second act is superb, and shows Tarantino back in old form. All the characters are great, and some of the dialogue is strong. It's also shot and scored to perfection. The setting of Minnie's Haberdashery is a perfect one (possibly the best setting in a Tarantino film), what I wouldn't give for someone to re-create it so I could journey inside.  The standouts for me acting wise were Walton Goggins (I consider him to be the best part of the film), Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tim Roth, Kurt Russell, Samuel L. Jackson, and Channing Tatum. I'd say that Hateful Eight was on the same level for me as Inglourious Basterds, maybe a bit better (H8ful was definitely tighter than Basterds was.). It's no surprise that this is a superb film, and marks the best we've seen Tarantino at in a while. 

5. ROOM- There isn't much action in the film, and the first part (which all takes place in the room) is pretty hard to watch. However, once we enter the world, things get significantly better. In Room, Ma (Brie Larson) and her 5 year old son Jack (Jacob Tremblay) escape from a room where they had been held captive for a long time (Jack  for his whole life and Ma for seven years). We follow them as Jack discovers, explores, and has to adapt to a world he didn't even know existed till now, and Ma struggles with her increasingly fragile mental state. Brie Larson does a great job, Joan Allen as her mother was fantastic, but Jacob Tremblay easily steals the entire show. I'd go so far as to say he was the best performance I've seen this year (It's a joy to watch him discover this new world for the first time). We also spend the most time with Jack as he is our eyes and ears into the movie, and he is the main character here. Room is a gentle, loving, sad, and life affirming film. 

4. IT FOLLOWS- Without a doubt, this is the best American horror film I have seen in quite some time. It Follows crafts an simple, original, unique, and absolutely terrifying horror tale that comes with it's own unspoken mythology. Not only is it a sexual parable of sorts, it's also very much about the fear of growing older and death. It Follows is a film of slow, atmospheric terror that will crawl under your skin and stay there. This one will stick with you (I still always look behind me whenever I'm walking somewhere because of this film).

3. EX MACHINA- The best sci-fi film in years. Ex Machina stars three supremely talented indviduals (Alicia Vikander is super sexy, sympathetic, and mysterious; Domhnall Gleeson is fantastic, but it's Oscar Isaac's goofy but super cool performance that just about steals the show). The great Alex Garland writes and directs here, and he proves he is a force to be reckoned with. Ex Machina is a smart, scary, sexy thrill ride that will have you thinking and chewing on your fingernails from beginning to end. 

2. SPOTLIGHT- A hard-hitting, factual, and emotional ride that doubles as a look into how the field of investigative journalism for print used to work. Some of the imagery is a bit haunting (plenty of shots of Catholic churches that loom over both our heroes and suburban houses), and there are a surprising amount of moments where the floor drops out from under you as the true scope and extent of the damage is revealed (A great example is the closing text crawl that left my jaw dropped in horror). Spotlight sheds light on one of the most important news stories of the past several decades, and it is to be commended for tackling it's subject material with passion while still remaining faithful to the truth of the story. Simply put: Spotlight is an incredible film. It's enough to make you mourn the death of print journalism. I'd say this is the highest quality film of 2015. 

1. THE BIG SHORT- The Big Short was my favorite film of 2015, and what I consider to be the best. Not only does it tell an important story, it's also knows how to have some serious fun. Adam McKay proves he is a more than competent director here, he managed to craft a highly creative, intelligent and fun film (I'd say he deserves Best Director this year). All the actors do fantastic jobs, but it's Steve Carell and Ryan Gosling who just about steal the show as two very different people. Gosling is slimy but super cool, and Carell plays righteous indignation and outrage absolutely perfectly. I love that The Big Short made me feel involved in the proceedings, like I was a part of the film (helps that characters break the fourth wall a good deal). I had a blast with this and highly enjoyed it's unique visual style, but still walked away downright pissed about what occurred in '08 and how none of the guilty party was properly reprimanded.  While it may be a bit messy and hectic, it's precisely because The Big Short so expertly manages to be both informative and entertaining that it ranks in at the top spot this year for me. 

So, there you have it folks. 2015 was a damn good year for film, let's hope 2016 can match if not best it. Till next time, Stay classy and I'll see YOU at The Oscars!

THE BIG SHORT KNOWS HOW TO HAVE SOME SERIOUS FUN

The Big Short takes place from 2005-2008, and follows Jared Vennett (Ryan Gosling), Michael Burry (Christian Bale), Mark Baum (Steve Carell), Vinnie Daniel (Jeremy Strong), Charlie Geller (John Magaro), Jamie Shipley (Finn Wittrock), Danny Moses (Rafe Spall), Porter Collins (Hamish Linklater) and Ben Rickert (Brad Pitt) as each decides to bet against the housing market (All figured out that it was bound to fail), setting up separate funds in order to do so, hoping to make millions off of the ensuing inevitable collapse.

All of the actors do a fantastic job here. Jeremy Strong is great as the angry Vinnie Daniel.  Brad Pitt is downright unrecognizable as Rickert, resembling more of a weird cross between Rainn Wilson and Nick Offerman. His character is an ex-banker who grew tired and disgusted with the system. His Rickert is arguably one of the better people, and has one of the best scenes in the film where he quickly puts two of our protagonists back in their place. Christian Bale does a quirky, memorable performance as Michael Burry. Burry was the first to predict that the housing market would fail. Bale plays him as almost an autistic savant of sorts. 

For me, the clear standouts in the cast were Steve Carrell and Ryan Gosling. Gosling's Jared Vennett is arguably the worst person out of the bunch. He is indeed one of the main players, but also acts as our narrator and guide, breaking the fourth wall a good deal to talk to us (Other characters do this as well). Gosling plays Jared with a slimy coolness, and I couldn't help but love his character despite the clear fact that he is not a nice guy. Carell's Mark Baum is more-or-less the "hero" of the film (and I use the term hero very, very loosely). Carell is electric here as the outraged Baum, who is disgusted with each sickening fact he discovers about the system he is betting against. He's the easiest character to get behind in the film, and we spend the most amount of time with him. 

The film, in reality is devoid of any true good guys. All our protagonists happily shame the banks, corporations, and the system they created as fraudulent and corrupt....however, our protagonists in reality aren't much better than the people and system they are crusading against. They are betting against the American economy, are rejoicing in the fact that it's all about to fail, and are excited about the millions they stand to make in the fallout. Naturally, they start to change their tune when the collapse occurs and they see how much destruction and devastation ensues. I was surprised to find myself reluctantly taking our protagonists sides as the film went on. It's undeniably fun and fascinating to watch them uncover the facts of the situation.

Adam McKay directs, and does a downright phenomenal job. He's well aware that most regular schmoes like myself have zero knowledge about banks, the terms they use, or the way they work. Thus, he stops the film on occasion to present a cool aside which pairs a famous person, doing something cool in order to explain the term or practice to us. I won't even give any examples here, as to do so would ruin the cool little surprises this film has to offer. All I'll say is that each of these segments is bizarre but super fun.

McKay directs the film with an interesting stream of consciousness kind of editing. There are constant fast cuts, still shots, and inserts of music video clips, commercials, and news/interview clips. It's all done in an effort to keep the audience engaged, and for my money it works perfectly. I felt like I was honestly involved with the proceedings, like I was a part of the film. Needless to say, I feel he more than deserves to win Best Director this year.

The Big Short manages a seemingly hard task, but accomplishes it with relative ease: it makes banking fun. It's a lively, colorful film that easily engages audiences. It gets points from me for being unafraid to slow down every now and then to check on audiences and make sure they understand everything that is going on (It also drags a bit at points). The Big Short is a highly entertaining, fantastical, real life cautionary tale (Be prepared to leave more than a bit angry about what happened in '08, and at the banks and corporations that clearly only cared about themselves). It's an important, informative film that luckily, also knows how to have some serious fun. I have no problem with declaring it to be my favorite film of 2015, and also what I consider to be the absolute best of the best.

5 STARS

Some names were changed for the film

Mark Baum's real name is Steve Eisman
Jared Vannett's real name is Greg Lippman
Ben Rickert's real name is Ben Hockett
Jamie Shipley's real name is Jamie Mal
Charlie Geller's real name is Charles Ledley

SMALLS' WORST FILMS OF 2015 (UPDATED)

Let's start with some dishonorable mentions

Vacation- It's not good....ok? That said, I don't think it's quite as bad as everyone has been making it out to be. The film comes surprisingly close to being quite good at times, but ultimately falls far short of it's goal.  feels like the film is begging the audience to PLEASE laugh at times. There are also way too many recreations/call backs to scenes from the original (I'm like, why not just remake the original if that's what you wanted to do?). Ed Helms is ok in the film (He has some funny lines and reactions), I still don't completely buy him as Rusty though. Christina Applegate is fine, and has what is quite possibly the funniest moment in the film. Steele Stibbons was alright as the younger brother, he had a few funny moments but was more annoying than anything else. Surprisingly,I found Skylar Gisondo as the older brother to be the best part of the film. I didn't necessarily find him funny, but I did believe him in the role. He was one of the only ones who felt real. The less said about Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo the better. There are some funny moments (Mainly in the first and last acts), and the story itself works well enough. I just hope they don't decide to to make more sequels, let this franchise die in peace.

Scouts Guide to The Zombie Apocalypse- The trailer made this look like it could be the next camp cult classic, plus it was the only Halloween-y film coming out in October. Unfortunately the jokes seemed to be of the variety that only middle schoolers or especially immature high schoolers would find funny. What made this all the more confusing is that the film was rated R. Dumb film, only semi-enjoyable part for myself was a zombie dancing to a Britney Spears song.

Point Break- A dull, uninteresting film. The action is good, but is shot fairly poorly except for a few seconds here or there and our two main actors are about as invested in their roles as cardboard. The way this film tries to re-invent Point Break for the new generation is just lame and uninspired. Bodhi is now doing what he does because he believes in a spiritual cause, saving the Earth and giving back what we take from it (Admittedly, a nice idea the film completely fails to sell) and Utah is an ex-extreme sports enthusiast/athlete who is now loosely employed by the FBI. Ray Winstone is just about the only good thing about this film, and thats not enough for me to recommend it (The movie even tries to re-do the famous shooting the gun into the air scene, but the new take is just terrible. The new take on the ending is also just lame). In the end, Point Break is more interested in being an EXTREME sports film, than a remake of the 1991 "classic" (as can be evidenced by the minimal amount of robbery/heist/theft scenes and the abundance of EXTREME sports scenes). It's a film that uses the Point Break name to make an EXTREME sports highlight reels. The characters aren't interesting, our actors are just bad, and the script is meh at best. A bad film, but not quite worst of the year.

The Lazarus Effect- The first hour or so of this film was actually interesting, however once you get into the part where things start to go wrong, the film nosedives drastically. A film that could have been good if it hat not gotten bogged down in the typical stupidity found in most half-assed horror films today. I'd say watch up until Olivia Wilde goes evil, and then TURN IT OFF. 

With those out of the way, let's move on to THE 10 WORST FILMS OF 2015. Every one of these films is truly terrible, and is deeply deserving of being ripped apart. I shall do my best to do exactly that. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.

10. TERMINATOR GENISYS- The film that finally completely broke my interest in the Terminator franchise. A sad day, indeed. I'm surprised by how disappointed I was with this film. Even going in with appropriately lowered expectations, I was still very much let down. It's not often you can say the best thing about the film was the 3-D, but that's the case here. The action scenes are fairly thrilling and well shot (though near the end, I began to wish it would all just be over with so I could go home). The plot is incredibly stupid (and really not as complex as you would think it would be once you figure out what's going on). The film does leave a good deal of unanswered questions as well. The actors all do ok jobs, but are all pretty unmemorable. There is also zero chemistry between Jai Courtney and Emilia Clarke, though to his credit he does seem like he's trying a little bit here (more than I can say for the other films I've seen him in). Emilia Clarke also doesn't seem all that interested in her role, and there is one big emotional moment with her that she completely fails to sell. By the end of the film, I realized what this film really was: A tangled mess of action set pieces strung together by a stupid plot with a bunch of boring parts in-between (That's right, I was actually BORED in a Terminator film....WTF?!). Can we please stop making Terminator films just to make Terminator films now....PLEASE?!

9. THE COBBLER- Proving that just because a film starring Adam Sandler isn't written or produced by his buddies, doesn't mean it's going to be good. The film has an ok story, but winds up being just another in the latest pile of dreck that Sandler can add to his ever growing list. The ending is what really cinches the deal. The Cobbler is a  silly, stupid, and needlessly convoluted mess that drags itself over the finish line.

8. AREA 51- WOW was this bad. The editing is sloppy, choppy and just all around terrible. It comes across like those involved with the film just didn't care. The main characters are your typical found footage douchy bros with a cute female thrown in (Who's only characteristic is she's cute). The film itself follows many of your typical beats (it goes pretty much exactly where you think it would go. No real twists, turns, surprises, or even scares). You know your movie is in trouble when the douche-iest bro is the only one who starts talking sense. I wasn't crazy about the first Paranormal Activity, but at least it used it's minimalistic settings to its advantage (Here we get to explore your typical office, locker room, office staircase, and a few tunnels), was competently made, and actually had some scares. Not to mention the CGI and effects in Area 51  (when there are any) are super weak. There are a few pieces that could have come across as clever in better hands. In the end, Area 51 is just a bunch of stupid 20-somethings wandering around, doing nothing, with absolutely nothing happening until it's predictable and laughably bad ending finally comes around. A very unimpressive, boring, and dull film that travels in a straight line from beginning to end. Area 51 could have been a really cool film, and it's premise does hold potential (even if it has been done before). Unfortunately, this is just your dime-a-dozen, paint-by-numbers, lifeless and listless found-footage style movie. No wonder it never got a theatrical release.

7.  PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION-  It actually does tie most of everything together, unfortunately that can't stop this latest, and hopefully last, outing from being a completely boring slog. The characters aren't likable (The main two male leads are complete douchebags), the SFX aren't impressive, and what's worst: The film is curiously devoid of any hint of potential or scares (that includes jump scares. This is a franchise who's biggest selling point was jump scares, after all, and to have an outing without any actually feels kind of wrong. That's right, this is a film that makes you wish you had some jump scares, even if they were only weak ones). Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension proves that this franchise had given up a long time ago.

6. UNFINISHED BUSINESS- It's not super funny, and it continually embarrasses it's strong cast (Vince Vaughn; who is reduced to wearing women's sportswear at one point as the camera lingers on his seeming lack of a crotch, Tom Wilkinson; who is a sex-starved and horny old man; Dave Franco; who is a legitimately mentally disabled person which makes his treatment in the film that much worse; and Nick Frost; who is reduced to being a gay bear who enjoys wearing an embarrassing tight leather outfit and glory-holing. That was the tipping point for me). While I did laugh on occasion that does not redeem this awful mess of a film (did I mention the actual plot is boring, and not once did I care about Vince Vaughn's family subplot). By the time the film ended I was just grateful it was over. 

5.  FANTASTIC FOUR- Or as I STILL call it, Fant4stic (Thank you marketing department!). I've pretty much covered all the bases on this one in my previous review (Check it out HERE: http://www.beetlejuiceshangout.blogspot.com/2016/01/fantastic-four-is-fantastic-mess.html), so I'll just quickly summarize: Here is a film that didn't seem like it wanted to be a superhero film and didn't feel like it had any love for the Fantastic Four characters or story. I still say it would have been better if Fox had just given Trank free reign to create his own original super hero team. That likely could have produced an interesting film. As is, Fantastic Four is a fantastic mess.

4. PIXELS- The biggest mistake this film made was hiring Sandler and his goons to write and act in it. It's not funny, the script is awful, the characters (all of them) are unlikable, it's attitude towards women is abhorrent, but the action scenes and SFX are fine. Even if the promise of some arcade-turned-real-life action sounds cool, just stay away. It's all just a cruel ruse. Pixels is lame, uninspired, and just not fun. STAY AWAY.

3. MORTDECAI- One of Depp's worst films to date. The film has an strange and uncomfortable love triangle subplot between Depp, Paltrow and McGregor,plus another subplot about Mortdecai's new mustache that he adores but his wife (and almost everyone else) hates. The characters are thinly written,the constant  voice-over narration by Depp is unnecessary and pointless, and each character is given one special trait that is constantly repeated in just about every scene (McGregor wants to bang Paltrow, so in every scene he is hitting on her. Mortdecai is always talking about his mustache and just mustaches in general, Jock is always screwing some random girl, and Paltrow is always complaining about the new mustache). The film would also appear to barely have a script as characters are left to ad-lib, improv, repeat silly lines ("I don't like it!") and make funny noises (yes, really). As if all this weren't enough, the women in this film exist solely to be objectified (Like Paltrow, who is constantly hit on in just about every scene as several characters try to take her to bed, in fact Depp's main goal with her character is to bed her although they are married....so why is this a big deal?). Depp is awful here, he has turned into a complete cartoon with ZERO character. He is one dimensional and spends most of the film aggressively mugging as hard as he can (Careful there Johnny, don't want to break your face). The film also IS NOT FUNNY...AT ALL. This is one of the films that would have been better with a PG-13 rating, the sexual innuendos that pepper this film are neither clever nor funny, but are instead offensive and juvenile. The only good thing about this film is Jeff Golblum, who only appears in one scene  and is overall pretty useless. I would actually compare this film to Old Dogs. If you had walked into this film right when the end credits had started to roll and asked if you had missed anything? I'd answer with No. Mortdecai is one film that should be burned, a complete embarrassment for everyone involved.

2. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY-  Another film I pretty much covered all the bases on in my earlier review. Apparently people just don't learn because they are indeed making A GODDAMNED SEQUEL TO THIS PIECE OF SHIT! A stupid person wrote this shit (on her blackberry), another stupid person decided to adapt it into a film, stupid people paid money to see this, stupid people loved it, a stupid studio decided to green light a sequel (guaranteeing this will become a stupid trilogy) and more stupid people are going to flock in droves to see it. This is super depressing guys, really. We deserve better than this, WOMEN deserve better than this. I just....I can't guys. I just can't.


1. THE RIDICULOUS SIX- Because Vanilla Ice playing a ghetto-ized Mark Twain is something that should never happen.  Sandler drags his family and a large cast consisting of both genuinely talented and untalented people along with him here including Terry Crews, Jorge Garcia (The fat guy from Lost), Taylor Lautner (as a severely mentally handicapped buffoon), Rob Schneider (as an ugly Mexican stereotype), Luke Wilson, Will Forte, Steve Zahn, Harvey Keitel, Nick Nolte, Jon Lovitz, David Spade, Danny Trejo, Nick Swardson, Blake Shelton (As Wyatt Earp), Steve Buscemi, John Tuturro (as Abner DoubleDay), Chris Parnell, Jared Sandler, Jackie Sandler (His wife, who plays an indian named Never-Wears-Bra), Sadie Sandler, Sunny Sandler, Norm MacDonald, and Chris Kattan. There were only two bits that I found even remotely funny, the rest of this film rates from ok to so bad it causes physical pain (much like Grown Ups 2 or various other Sandler films I've seen in the past). It's not the number one worst film Sandler has starred in (I still say that's likely Grown Ups 2), but it is definitely up there. Sandler fans will likely enjoy it (I'll never understand how anyone could be a fan of this guy, let alone enjoy one of his more recent films) but for everyone else I'd say KEEP AWAY. Also, in case you weren't keeping track that makes three Sandler films that made it onto this list, why anyone continues to give money to this ass-hat I'll never understand. At least with Fifty Shades, you know the pain will be over after three, maybe four films. Sandler is a different story, he's going to continue to make atrocious, ugly films until the day he dies...and that in and of itself is a terrible, scary thing. 

There you have it guys. I hope you all enjoyed my pain. You can expect my BEST OF list by the end of next week (HOPEFULLY). Till next time, please don't see the Fifty Shades Darker....PLEASE!!!!

PREPARE YOURSELVES....10 CLOVERFIELD LANE IS COMING

Updated with the official HD trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saHzng8fxLs



A long time ago, in 2007 to be exact, Transformers was released. I remember sitting in that theater, and before the movie started, being treated to one hell of an intriguing, mysterious trailer for a secretive film. The footage showed a group of partyers rushing outside after a tremendous earthquake and a fiery explosion, only to be met by a city in chaos and the Statue of Liberty's head being tossed down the street. It ended with only a date, 1-18-08. The trailer was met with great interest, confusion, and debate. Was it a new Godzilla film? Was it Voltron? Answer was, none of the above. It was actually a trailer for a completely new American monster film named Cloverfield, and boy was it great. I was one of the many who took part in the massive viral campaign for the film, which included several websites, passwords, and lots and lots of sleuthing around as we tried to piece together the individual pieces of the puzzle. Unfortunately, no answers were really given and the film itself only paid a few very tiny nods towards the numerous info and questions the campaign had raised.

Lack of any real concrete answers aside (What was that monster? Where did it come from? Is it still alive after the end of the film? Was it created, or a natural undiscovered creature? What role did Slusho have to play in all this? Could Rob and Beth possibly have survived the end of the film?), I still thought the film was pretty great, and made for quite a fun ride (I still associate Sephora with the film due to it being a location during one of the more hectic scenes). I, like many others, wanted a sequel very badly. Now, 8 years later (ironic, considering 08 played a key part in the original trailer) we may be getting a sequel....or maybe not. Either way, it stars John motherfucking Goodman and that's more than enough for me to sign myself up.

The first word we see of the title is Cloverfield, and indeed we linger on that word for a good few seconds. The font is also that classic Cloverfield font. Surely this was intentional. JJ Abrams had this to say: “The idea came up a long time ago during production. We wanted to make it a blood relative of Cloverfield. The idea was developed over time. We wanted to hold back the title for as long as possible.” So....maybe this won't be a direct sequel to Cloverfield, but more like a cousin, kind of like a weird spin-off. Will we see the monster from Cloverfield? Will there be some kind of recognition of the events seen in Cloverfield? Will this film deal with the after-effects of the events of Cloverfield? Will this film have it's own unique monster, or will it not feature any monsters at all and instead just take place in the same universe as Cloverfield? Is Cloverfield going to be a title used for a new series of loosely connected anthology films? Already so many questions.

The apparent plot revolves around a young woman played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who is in some sort of car crash. A doomsday prepper played by Goodman rescues her and holds her against her will in a cellar along with John Gallagher Jr.  Winstead offers more plot details:  “He ( John Goodman's character) tells me that basically the world is over outside because there’s been a nuclear fall-out. It does have similarity to Faults (another film Winstead recently starred in), in some ways, because you don’t know who’s telling the truth or who to believe. There’s a lot of, who’s manipulating who, and all of that. Tonally, it’s very different, but it has some of those same themes.”

Already this is sounding very different, but somewhat similar to Cloverfield. All I know for sure is that there is a film that is related to Cloverfield in some way, being released March 16th of this year (JUST A FEW MONTHS AWAY) and it stars three phenomenal actors. I CAN'T FRIGGIN WAIT!!! Let's just hope there's some sort of viral campaign to go along with this film. I am more than ready to put my sluethin' cap back on, it's been gathering dust on my shelf for far too long.

FANTASTIC FOUR IS A FANTASTIC MESS

Yes, I know this came out a very long time ago in theaters but I just saw it for the first time and I HAVE to talk about it.

Fantastic Four (or as all the ads would have you call it, Fant4stic) is the story of teen science whiz Reed Richards (Miles Teller), his best friend Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell), Super-smart but super awkward and isolated Sue Storm (Kate Mara, who is very pretty. This is one of the only good things I will say about this film.), and her hot-headed brother Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan). Sulky, rich, internet troll/hacker Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell) tags along for the fun. They are all brought onto a special project that hopes to perfect inter-dimensional teleportation (ok, admittedly Ben is not a part of the project, but is invited to join the team for their first inter-dimensional trip by Reed, who feels some sort of obligation after having short-shafted his friend before). Naturally, things do not quite go as planned and out of horrific tragedy, the Fantastic Four are born.

Wow, was this film bad. I mean, I had heard tales but I had no idea. This is really one of those rare cases where it has to be seen to be believed. By now we've all heard the reports that director Josh Trank would show up to set either drunk or f-ed out of his mind on drugs, and that originally Doom was to be called Domashev (Something I had earlier reported on, and indeed appears to be true since the name change seems to have been done last second. Every time his name is said, it sounds like it was dubbed over, and the first time we see his name on screen is a quick shot that feels like an add-on). A film with this many production issues normally does not fare well.

Trank does not seem like he has any love for The Fantastic Four, in fact it feels like he is reluctantly making this film. He certainly seems interested in their individual powers, and has some somewhat interesting ideas about them (mainly as a government run fighting team used to carry out secret/special missions). It feels as if the movie was done without enthusiasm, passion, or drive. It's almost like Trank's heart just wasn't in the project. This is a Fantastic Four film that doesn't want to be a Fantastic Four film, but instead a new, weird take on the super-hero genre. If anything, it aspires to be more of a science fiction film than anything else (after all, it does center around a new dimension, named Planet Zero, that scientists hope they can use to answer questions about Earth). Now, Trank's ideas aren't awful in and of themselves (I did like the body horror element he brought to a few scenes, although it really didn't belong in a Fantastic Four film), but he shouldn't have cannibalized an already well established and beloved property like The Fantastic Four in order to present them. He should have just been given free reign to make his own, original super hero team film instead.

What about the characters? Well, they have little to no character and are poorly developed (They are never referred to as their super hero monikers, and there's not even a romance between Sue and Reed! None of them are really all that likable either). The actors don't seem invested in their roles, and lack chemistry with each other (Sad, since they have all already been proven to be fine actors. Here, it feels like they all just want to get this over and done with so they can move on to something else. Never a good sign. In fact, the only actors who do good jobs are Tim Blake Nelson as Dr. Allen, a government man, and Reg. E. Cathy as Dr. Franklin Storm, the head of the science project and father to Johnny and Sue). I couldn't buy any of them as friends. In fact, I'd say the characters don't even feel like the Fantastic Four characters we know and love.

The character guiltiest of this is Victor Von Doom. He's in the beginning, disappears for most of the rest of the film (for reasons I won't spoil....not that there's really much to spoil here), and then his alter-ego is haphazardly thrown into the last 30 minutes so the Four can have someone to fight. His motivations don't make sense, and indeed, he's not Dr. Doom (His whole thing is protecting the new dimension which he now considers his home. He feels he has to destroy Earth in order to do this.). If you've read my previous posts you know Doom is my favorite villain in the Marvel universe, but tragic mishandling of his character here aside, I just can't bring myself to be upset about how they use him here. He doesn't look like Doom (the film's new take on his mask, and their explanation for it being how it is is just silly. It's also funny how they threw in his cape here for no good reason), his motivations are silly and dumb, and he really does feel carelessly thrown into the film because a Fantastic Four film just HAS to have Dr. Doom in it. As he is though, he's not Dr. Doom (like, at all. Only in name).

Possibly the worst part of this film is the last twenty minutes or so, which feels like it was quickly re-written and re-shot by the studio in an attempt to bring the project in line with what they wanted it to be: a typical super-hero film ( If that's what you wanted, why did you hire Trank? I guess cause Chronicle made a lot of money and was popular). This is the big climax where the Four are teleported back into Planet Zero to fight Dr. Doom. This is the part where it's emphasized that the Four have to team up because individually, they don't stand a chance against Doom. It's done in the most lazy, careless, obvious way that it kind of made me angry. I suppose that I could be wrong and this was the "grand" ending Trank had envisioned for his film all along, but I seriously doubt that (Maybe he really couldn't have cared less after all).

In the end, Fantastic Four is a film that is very poorly put together (and poorly written too). Just about everything about it is wrong, wrong, wrong! The wrong director was chosen to helm and write it (Apparently two other people helped write it, I have to assume they were chosen to re-write Trank's script which the studio didn't approve of), the director's vision was way different from the product the studio had wanted him to churn out, the whole production was plagued by troubles, and the film itself is dour, grey, dull, and dark (Something a Fantastic Four film should not be). It's also curious for a film that had a one hundred twenty million dollar budget that the special effects are this atrocious and ugly to look at (REALLY bad CGI). The whole film is a fantastic, spectacular mess. It left me scratching my head in jaw-dropped disbelief at what I was watching.  This is the kind of film that should be shown in film schools as the perfect example of how not to make a film, and how very wrong a film can go if left in all the wrong hands. Fantastic Four has A LOT of sound and fury, but signifies absolutely nothing. How disappointing.

1 STAR

THE FORCE AWAKENS

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.... QUE MUSIC!!!!

It's been thirty years (THIRTY FREAKIN YEARS!!!!) since we last left Han, Leia, Luke, Chewbacca, R2D2, and C-3PO and the galaxy is in pretty bad shape. Luke has mysteriously vanished and in his absence The First Order arose out of the ruins of The Empire (consider them The Empire 2.0), their aim is total and complete control of the galaxy and they have a special weapon of ultimate destruction to aid them in their quest.  One of the most feared leaders of The First Order is Kylo Ren, who has been spreading fear and destruction wherever he goes as he attempts to complete his own special, personal mission. The Galaxy's best hope lies in a stormtrooper named Finn and an orphaned scavenger named Rey.

This is the movie fans have been waiting for. It's big, heartfelt, very cool, touching, adrenaline-filled, and very, very fast. The whole film moves at a breakneck speed, but is unafraid to slow down for a few minutes here and there and has no problem with somewhat developing our new heroes and villains. I'm happy to report that Han Solo and Chewbacca are both lead characters here and we get to spend a great deal of time with them. Harrison Ford easily steps back into one of his most beloved roles and is just about flawless. The way he speaks, his mannerisms, his facial expressions....it's all still there. This is easily the best he's been in a very long time, and the material he's given to work with is strong stuff (and he interacts with our two new leads perfectly).

Chewbacca is  exactly as we remembered him as well, and is still very memorable and funny. His chemistry and friendship with Han continues to be one of the defining things about this franchise. Carrie Fisher is also quite good, and the scenes she shares with Han and Chewie are simply fantastic and touching. The chemistry between Han and her is still rich. R2-D2 and C-3PO also show up for a few minutes. BB-8 is completely adorable as well, and makes for a welcome addition to our cast of humans and droids.

As for the new characters: Daisy Ridley as Rey was definitely a fantastic find. She is one fine actress that sells her role very well, and is also super pretty. I found myself falling in love with her as Finn did. Speaking of Finn,  John Boyega as Finn was super likable and cool, even though he spends a good deal of the film in a panicked state as his first instinct is to escape from the clutches of The First Order (naturally, saner heads prevail). It was cool to have someone who is knowledgable about the weapons and tactics of The First Order, and therefore can better guide Rey and our returning heroes numerous escapes (not to mention he's pretty ok with a lightsaber). His chemistry and back and forth with Han Solo was highly entertaining and his relationship with Rey was sweet and believable (definitely more than I can say for the relationship between Anakin and Padme in the prequels).

Adam Driver as Kylo Ren commanded control of the screen whenever he was on. He is essentially Darth Vader 2.0. He is filed with a raw power, but lacks control. He is a tortured soul who is struggling with himself, but finds strength in the legacy of Darth Vader and has committed himself to becoming even greater and more powerful than Darth (And indeed, he is considerably more powerful than Darth. He does things we've never seen anyone do in previous Star Wars films. Call him whiny all you want, I personally consider him a bad-ass).  Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron was also great as the head resistance fighter and ace pilot. He's cool, he's funny, he's likable....basically he's going to be our new Han Solo. He doesn't get much screen time, but I expect (and hope) that changes in the ensuing sequels.

One of the areas where The Force Awakens towers over the prequels are the action scenes. They are all beautifully shot (in fact, the whole film is beautifully shot), and the lightsaber battles are filled with raw adrenaline. The lightsaber battles in the prequels resembled more of a well-choreographed dance, but in The Force Awakens they feel real. It's two people fighting for dominance, control, and survival. The stakes are real, and the battles are intense and breathtaking. I forgot how much I loved seeing two people slashing at each other with lightsabers. The aerial battles are also fantastic. I loved the way the camera followed the numerous X-wings and Tie Fighters, swooping, diving, and spinning along with them....it's almost dizzying and gives you a YOU-ARE-THERE feeling.

Another thing I loved about The Force Awakens was the sound design. All the sounds from the original trilogy are back (one of the first scenes that really made me squee featured a tie fighter firing off rounds. This was my first time getting to hear that sound in theaters and it filled me with joy). There are also constant references to the original trilogy, although this never really bothered me. It all helped to bring you back into a world we all missed very much.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens drops audiences right back into The Star Wars world with little pomp and circumstance. Yes, there is some clunky dialogue here and there, and I feel that some characters could be a bit more well developed (That said, what we get here is still enough, and I expect them to continue to be developed with each sequel) but overall this is one hell of a successful film. I have no problems saying this is WAY, WAY, WAY better than Return of The Jedi. Star Wars has been redeemed and my interest in this awesome franchise has been renewed. I eagerly await the sequel. May the force be with you all.

4 STARS

KRAMPUS GIVES SMALLS CLAUS-TOPHOBIA

Michael Dougherty previously directed the great Trick r' Treat. Krampus is his latest outing and he does not disappoint.

In Krampus, Max (Emjay Anthony) is struggling with the fact that each proceeding Christmas has been getting rougher and rougher. His mom, Sarah (Toni Collette), and dad, Tom (Adam Scott) seem to be falling out of love, his older sister Beth (Stefania LaVie Owen) doesn't spend as much time with him as she used to, and his grandmother, Omi (Krista Stadler) seems to always get weirder around this time of year. Making things much worse are his cousins' family, which are a bunch of intolerable jackholes led by patriarch Howard (David Koechner), his wife Linda (Alison Tolman), the awful Aunt Dorothy (Conchata Ferrell), and their kids. After the family dinner ends in tragedy, Max denounces his belief in Santa and throws his list to Santa out the window. Unfortunately, this simple act has drastic consequences for Max and his family, as Krampus (a Christmas devil who kidnaps naughty people) is summoned to the house and proceeds to wreck his own brand of yuletide terror on the inhabitants within.

The story of Krampus has been around for literally centuries. I've been waiting for a film that does this creature justice. I was sorely disappointed in Rare Exports, but with the new movie Krampus, I am happy to say I've finally been granted my wish. I'm not saying Krampus is perfect, but it does get Krampus right and to me, that's really all that matters.


The stand-outs are Emjay Anthony as Max (A good kid who has a tendency to get in fights about Christmas. Emjay did a fantastic job.) , Toni Collette as Sarah (a frazzled and disheveled mother who is trying her best to stay afloat. Toni Collette was a natural in the role, and I really liked her.) , Adam Scott as Tom (Adam Scott is actually kind of a bad-ass here, and gets to have fun with some guns. I really dug his character as he gets to show that he is not a wimp in any way), Stefania LaVie Owen as Beth (the older sister who cares about her family but is a bit busy with boyfriend issues. I thought she was super cute, and I liked that the filmmakers made her character not the typical older teen sister), and Krista Stadler as Omi (the cool and kind of creepy grandma who only speaks in a foreign language). I found that I genuinely liked and cared for each of their characters, and wanted to see all of them make it out in one piece. The same cannot be said for David Koechner's Howard and family. They are all a bunch of ugly Americans, and I honestly could not wait to see how they would be dispatched during the film.

 Weta created the creatures in this film, using both practical effects and CGI. Needless to say, the designs are impressive. We get homicidal gingerbread men (who are more goofy than anything else, think Gremlins), dark elves (They were very cool, I loved their design), snowmen (Super creepy, they don't do anything but I loved how they looked), a demented jack-in-the-box (super disturbing), and of course Krampus himself (Loved him). It warmed my heart to see how cool the practical effects in this film were and while we only get 3 scenes with the titular Krampus, he is still a sight to behold. I must say I kind of wished there were more scenes with Krampus and crew, that said they are still in the film a good deal.  All together, Krampus and his holiday horrors make for quite the obstacle for our family to overcome.

Now, Krampus is PG-13, and this worried me a good deal. Well, it really shouldn't have. The lower rating doesn't kill the film, though I can't help but feel that this film should have been rated R. Some of the scenes involving Krampus and crew feel a bit neutered, and there are definitely parts where you could tell characters were begging to drop an F bomb. I'm hoping they release an R rated cut for blu-ray, but as a PG-13, Krampus still works fine. It's clear the PG-13 was slapped on there in attempt to market this film as a horror film for the family, but even with that rating a family film this is not (There's definitely stuff in here that could give your kids nightmares).

At it's dark heart, Krampus is a film about family and what happens when you lose faith/hope in Christmas. It's definitely tons of fun, but it's also a great deal sad too. The atmosphere and sets in the film are top-notch, and succeed at creating a beautiful dark, creepy Christmas vibe. Krampus manages to pull off comedy, sadness, darkness, a rich atmosphere, super-likable leads, and ties it all up with an ending that's way darker than you would expect it to be (It's completely perfect). Krampus makes for a fine holiday treat.

3.5 STARS