BEETLE THINKS OLD DOGS NEED TO BE PUT DOWN

Old Dogs was one of the most negatively reviewed films of 2009 (On Rotten tomatoes it got 78 negative reviews, giving it a rating of 6%). I am usually one who tries to stay as far away from bad movies as possible, but the overwhelmingly negative reviews of this film made it impossible for me to resist reviewing this truly rotten little flick.

Old Dogs is about Best Friends for life Charlie (John Travolta, who plays a completly unlikeable douchbag) and Dan (Robin Williams) as they are on the verge of closing the biggest business deal of their lives. Of Course, disaster strikes in the form of 2 kids that Dan learns he is the dad of. After Dan actidentally causes a pretty nasty actident with their aunt/baby-sitter that leaves her in the ER, Dan is suddenly left to care for them for a few weeks while their mom is taken off to Jail on account of a political activist stunt she perpetrated. Painfully inept at the responsibilities of Parenthood Dan goes to Charlie for help and advice. The only problem is, Charlie is just as inept as he is.

It's amazing at how many promising careers of big name actors this rotten film almost single-handedly destroyed. The Supporting cast includes such big-names as Matt Dillon as a tough Camp Head, Justin Long as his revenge-seeking assistant that wrongfully targets his rage at Charlie, Lori Loughlin as hot translator,Rita Wilson as the cross eyed aunt, Kelly Preston as the mom of the kids, Seth Green as Charlie and Dan's business associate, Luis Guzman as a baby-proofing worker, Dax Shepard as his co-worker, and Amy Sedaris as a condo woman (She's only in it for like, 1 second though). They all seem genuinely in pain to be in such a crappy film as this. I can only imagine how much in need of money they were to sign on for this film. Justin Long and Seth Green are the only ok actors in this, putting on mildly entertaining performances. I wish as much could be said for Preston, Travolta, and Williams who all put on horrific performances. A few memorable "Bad Acting" scenes include when Dan gets divorced in a flashback and when Mom gets the news that Dan has to move to Japan for the deal. Her fake tears created much physical pain, so fake...too fake.

Another problem with the film is that it was actually made 2/3/4 years ago, evidenced by the late Bernie Mac appearing in the film as a puppeteer. Why, after 2 years Disney would suddenly decide to release this film is a mystery to me. Disney had to know it was shit, so I can only imagine that Williams or Travolta must have done something to piss off The Mouse enough that they released this film as their ultimate form of revenge. Why do I say that?? Because those 2 (and almost every actor in the film) are put through so much abuse during the film that the humor actually comes across as quite mean-spirited. Williams is locked in a tanning booth for too, too long and comes out with a tan that elicits Indian and Spanish jokes as members of each race confuse him for one of their own, Travolta is hit in the face by a tire swing from a Gorilla and pecked to death by a bunch of killer penguins, Wilson has her hands slammed in the trunk of Dans car, and Green is hit in the nuts by a golf-ball and abducted by a gorilla whom tortures him to the point where I couldn't help but feel the little dudes pain as he sobs in fear. As if this weren't bad enough the film also makes several gay, Spanish, Indian, and other racial/sexual orientation jokes. The humor in the film is all in VERY bad taste.

Most of the story elements point to the idea that the script was originally written as an adult R rated Comedy, but somehow was turned into a "Family-friendly" comedy. The only problem is that all the adult parts are left intact, making this quite a difficult film to watch with your kids. Another clue: The man who directed Van Wilder also directed Old Dogs.

As Horrible as this film was, I couldn't help but laugh at the actors and their stupidity for getting so locked up into this bad film. I guess in this way the film did succeed, It will make most laugh,not out of humor but out of pain, embarressment, and disbelief.

Old Dogs is the worst kind of comedy that one can encounter. It pictures itself as a funny film because it makes jokes about ethnic sterotypes, gays, and; as the title implies; old people. In fact, now that I think back on it, there are quite a few jokes made about old folks and their bad knees, backs, and need for pills. There are even 2 poorly placed jokes about, yup, OLD DOGS.

It's really a shame that Williams and Travolta ALMOST dodged a bullet when this film wasn't to be released, but then, well...unfortunately it was. In all honesty they kind of deserve this though, I mean, they were the ones who decided to sign on to such a bad, bad film. I wouldn't blame Williams and Travolta for hiding out for the next few years or so until their careers recover, seeing as the lengths they went to completly humiliate and degrade themselves in this movie (as did every other actor, as I said before).

Old Dogs is a poorly done attempt at a family comedy that fails at litterally every step of the way, and while some may laugh, it won't be for why they thought they would. Old Dogs is basically Death To Smoochy wrapped in family-friendly wrapping paper. Old Dogs is one film that needs to be taken out in the back yard and shot, or just left on the shelf next time you pass by it at your local movie store.

.5/5 ( Half a Star out of five) FUCK YOU

Interesting Tidbit: The young girl in the film is played by John Travoltas Daughter. Nice way to fuck up your kids career, DAD.