SMALLS' WORST OF 2013-UPDATED

Yes, that's right folks! With awards season already begun, I figure it's time for me to roll out my WORST FILMS OF 2013 LIST! Now, a word of caution. Some films, like Movie 43 and InAPPropiate Comedy for example, will not be on the list because I did not see them. You see, I tend to try and avoid bad films because I don't like to subject myself to unnecessary pain, so these are the films that I somehow stumbled into and wound up all the worse for it.



10. Bling Ring- I love the new some-what trend of films about young people doing bad things in order to fuel what they consider to be The American Dream. I had high hopes for The Bling Ring, unfortunately the film was ridiculously bland, boring, dull, uninteresting, it wasn't creative, it wasn't engaging, and it certainly wasn't fun. Not even a pretty good performance from Emma Watson could save this film. It's another film that had potential to be something great, but ultimately it just couldn't deliver. Another strike from Sophia Coppola.

9. Star Trek Into Darkness- Some films I take great joy in ripping to pieces. This is one of those films.   There was barely any plot to this film, instead we got more of a sequence of events. The film tried to be edgy and dark, and it tried to explore themes of becoming a monster to fight monsters but it never pulls any of this off all that well. What we are left with is a half-baked sequel that that succeeds in it's action scenes and cinematography but fails just about everywhere else. It also doesn't help that J.J. Abrams essentially lied his ass off yet again since Benedict Cumberbatch (easily THE BEST thing about this film) does indeed play Kahn and the film itself is essentially Wrath of Kahn 2.0 with a few minor twists to the story. If this is the best J.J. can do when attempting to do his own version of an iconic tale, then I am deeply worried about Star Wars.

8. The Lone Ranger- Disney's attempt at making another blockbuster franchise fails. Armie Hammer is a completely unlikeable whiny wimp, and Johnny Depp is surprisingly the best thing about this film even though he puts on a somewhat toned down version of his wacky schtick. The film is long, slow and plodding, and there isn't much action save for the very beginning and the very end. It was way too wacky, silly, and goofy for my tastes, not to mention it had some serious dark parts that offset the overall tone of the film. Three words that perfectly sum up Lone Ranger? What A Mess!


7. Insidious Chapter 2- This film is incredibly silly, stupid, and campy. The script is of a fairly poor quality. I do appreciate that it explains what we saw occur at the end of the first film, but everything else about this film is just not good. Insidious Chapter 2 tries to wrap up all the loose ends from the first film, but does so in an exceedingly clumsy manner so that it gets caught in its own strings. It does try to be scary, atmospheric and creepy but fails in large part due to a misplaced and failed attempt at humor. It's a large step down from it's predecessor. As a cheesy/campy 80s B horror film it is fun, but as a serious and scary horror film (you know, what it billed itself to be) Insidious Chapter 2  is a disappointment.

6.  The Lords of Salem- Another terrible outing from Rob Zombie. The film is certainly interesting, and will keep you watching out of sheer WTF-ness. That said, it's not good. The cinematography is great, and Bruce Davison, Ken Foree, Jeff Daniel Philips, Judy Geeson, Patricia Quinn, and Dee Wallace all do standup jobs with the roles they are given. Sheri-Moon attempts to act, but I just didn't care for her character here. The film is full of bizarre, hallucinatory, and nightmarish imagery and pretty decently replicates the atmosphere and vibe of a 70's horror flick. Heck, its idea of music being used to do Satan's bidding and of a coven disguising itself as an indie band are actually pretty neat ones (though they are both never fully explored and are more of a way to get the weird activities going. Also, not much story here and it leaves a lot of hanging plot threads and some character's arcs go nowhere, I'm looking at you Whitey). The worst part by far is the last 15-20 minutes. Like most Zombie films, this one is dark and mean. Lords of Salem is decidedly disturbing and not fun. The bottom line is this: Rob Zombie needs to stop making movies.

5. Only God Forgives- I was seriously looking forward to this film, and man was I disappointed with what I saw. It is a weak and unrewarding effort from Nicholas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling. It's brutal, violent, even more quiet than Drive was, it's score is pretty, and the visual artistry is beautiful but it is also supremely hard to follow, confusing, and it doesn't seem to make much sense. Oh, and Ryan Gosling barely fights at all in this film. It's a huge disappointment that does nothing but make me hold Drive all the closer to my chest.

4. A Good Day To Die Hard- I've said pretty much all I can say about this film in my previous review, so I'll try to quickly summarize my thoughts. It's ok if you want to try and make a video game movie, but don't do it with Die Hard. Yes, once again this is a REALLY bad film. If you are a fan of Die Hard this film is just about guaranteed to make you red. If they changed the characters names and the title of the film, maybe I would have gotten some enjoyment out of it, but because it bills itself as part of the Die Hard franchise I just couldn't get into it. It's also painfully clear no one who worked on this film gave a damn about what they were making (except maybe the visual effects guys, I will give the film this much the action scenes are pretty good). I WISH I was on vacation.

3.. RIPD- That's right, this film was WAY WAY worse than Die Hard 5. It's pretty rare for a film to end up being way worse than I thought it would be, but RIPD is exactly that. The film desperately wants to be the next MIB, but it's not clever or funny, the scripting is weak, the CGI is very bad, the acting is poor (yes, even Jeff bridges sucks in this),  the plotting and pacing are off, and the film is very obvious in the ways it goes about trying to steal from MIB. RIPD was an unimaginative, uninspired, derivative flop. How else can say it, RIPD is a terrible film, it SUCKS! 

2. After Earth- Will Smith's desperate attempt to make his son into a legitimate movie star/action star fails spectacularly. It's dull, it's boring, the script is awful, the acting is atrocious and the visual effects never really dazzle. In After Earth, Jaden is a whiny pansy that grates on your nerves, and Will Smith is a stoic, emotionless military commander.  While M. Night Shyamalan should bear a good deal of the responsibility for this abomination of a film, most of the blame falls squarely on Will Smith's shoulders. This film was his idea, and he personally hired M. Night Shyamalan to direct. In the end, After earth is an uphill struggle, and after watching the film you're sure to feel like you just went through a battle. I left the film exhausted and tired, and for good reason. Just stay away from this one, it's not even worth a peek for morbid curiosity's sake alone. After Earth is an aborted fetus that should have stayed aborted.

1. Grown Ups 2-It's going to take a lot of therapy to erase the emotional scars this film gave me. There is ZERO PLOT (we start out with Sandler's family and friends already having moved to his hometown, and the rest of the film is just following him and his friends as they cause trouble....it's basically a bunch of random unfunny sketches and gags), no characters or character development, and there are only maybe 5 or 6 funny moments in the film. It's easily the longest hour 41 minutes you will ever have to sit through (the film just WILL NOT END!). It's a downright insulting film (to your intelligence, your money and your time). It's absolute torture. I eagerly await the day when Adam Sandler retires from film making.


Well, that took a lot out of me. Despite this list, 2013 was still a great year for film and I'll explain why in my BEST OF list which should be up eventually (just a few more films I have to see). Till then, try to survive January and I'll see you all soon-ish.