A MINECRAFT MOVIE

 “As a child, I yearned for the mines…”

Starring Jack Black as himself.

There are some things I should address right off the bat. First off: I’ve never played a single second of Minecraft in my life. I don’t hate the game, I’ve just never cared to play it. I’m positive that this film was filled with Minecraft references that went flying right over my head. Second: I’m not a fan of Jared Hess. I never cared for Napoleon Dynamite. In other words, I’m coming into this with a disadvantage. There’s also the reality that this film has already proven to be an absolute rager with the kids, so what I say here doesn’t really matter. A Minecraft Movie has already won. Am I upset about that? Read on to find out! *Spoilers: The answer is no.*

What is the plot of A Minecraft Movie? There isn’t much of one, but the bare basics are as follows: Steve (Jack Black) has hidden a macguffin in the real world that, if it were to fall into the wrong hands, could spell the end for The  Overworld/ Minecraft World. In the real world, washed up 80s teen video game champion, Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrettson (Jason Mamoa) falls into possession of it. The Garbage Man is not a garbage man (or even a garbage man. Think about it, you’ll get it.) but an owner of a video game store he’s barely keeping afloat.

The Garbage Man finds himself mentoring struggling teen Henry (Sebastian Hansen), who one day accidentally activates the macguffin. This opens a portal that proceeds to suck Harry, Garrett, Harry’s sister Natalie (Emma Meyers), and real estate agent Dawn (Danielle Brooks, who could previously be seen in The Color Purple and Peacemaker) into The Overworld. There, they find themselves thrust into a battle where the fate of the Overworld hangs in the balance.

A Minecraft Movie was written by Chris Bowman, Hubble Palmer, Neil Widener, Gavin James, and Chris Galletta. You read that right, five people worked on this thing. What did they do previously? Chris Bowman and Hubbel Palmer co-wrote Masterminds and Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life. Chris Galletta wrote The Kings of Summer and is writing Detective Pikachu 2. This is Neil Widener and Gavin James’ first big theatrical film. They credited with writing an upcoming Beyblade movie and San Andreas 2. 

With these credentials, one guess as to the quality of the screenplay here?

THAT’S RIGHT! IT SUCKS! The screenplay for A Minecraft Movie is incredibly lazy and full of contrivances. There is no flow to the proceedings. The scenes and sequence of events do not feel connected at all. The writing for the characters is weak. Most have minimal to no development. The dialogue is very cringe and meme-y, which is to say it’s awful. There is no passion, care, or thought put into the writing. It almost feels like this was a studio mandate. The entire film feels like a studio mandate. 

It was tough deciphering who the main character is. It’s arguably Henry, but the problem is the character is forgettable, uninteresting, and lacks presence. The only ones who have presence are Jason Momoa as The Garbage Man, Jack Black as Steve, and Danielle Brooks as Dawn.

As stated earlier, Jack Black plays himself here. Steve gets very minimal character development. I love Jack Black, and I always enjoy seeing him on screen. That said, we’ve seen this schtick a hundred times by now. Jack Black struts around the film, sings a handful of songs (one of which with Jason Momoa ends the film), and is just generally very Jack Black. His intensity is always over 100. Black is certainly lively, but he doesn’t leave much of a mark.

As Danielle Brook’s Dawn screams in one scene, “What am I doing here??!!!”. What am I doing here, indeed. Why was her real estate character included? The best guess would be the film needed someone in the group who most resembled a responsible adult. Dawn, much like Steve, has little to no character. Brooks shows up, and makes the absolute most out of a thankless role. She lights up the screen, as is usual.

As for who fares the worst, Emma Meyers’ Natalie gets the short end of the stick. Unmemorable, ill-defined, with no character arc. We don’t even get a confirmation of her age, which is a bit concerning seeing as she is the sole caregiver for Henry. Poor Emma Meyers, you deserved better. 

Jason Momoa as Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrettson gets the most development out of all our cast and rivals Jack Black for amount of screen time in the film. It’s to the point where it starts to feel like maybe he’s supposed to be the main character. As per usual, Momoa seems to be the only one who fully gets the assignment. He leans into his role with ease, hams it up, and is clearly having fun. He plays dumb very well, and many of A Minecraft Movie’s funniest moments involve him. 

As for memorable supporting roles, Rachel House (Previously the Grandma in Moana and Moana 2) voices Malgosha, the villain of the movie. Malgosha rules over The Netherworld/realm of the Pigs with an iron fist, and would use the macguffin to invade The Overworld. House is having a ton of fun and leaves an impression. Jared Hess (more on him in a moment) plays General Chungus, a fat pig who acts as the muscle for Malgosha but is very friendly and kind in nature. Chungus never fails to get a laugh. The Villagers that inhabit The Overworld are very cute and likable as well.

Speaking of Jared Hess, he directs A Minecraft Movie. His previous work includes Napoleon Dynamite, Gentlemen Broncos, Nacho Libre, and Don Verdean. He brings a wild, chaotic energy to the proceedings but the finished product is an unfocused, hyper-active mess.

 Despite being part of the problem, Hess might be this film’s saving grace. Hess injects his signature style and humor into the proceedings, but kid-ifies it. A lot of the humor doesn’t work, but the parts that do can hit surprisingly hard. Hess’ work helps to turn A Minecraft Movie from boring bad to fun bad.

A Minecraft Movie is constantly moving. There’s always something happening, and this never-ending propulsion forward helps to make things a little more tolerable. It’s also appreciated that the core message concerns the importance of imagination, creativity, and not giving up on your dreams. 

A Minecraft Movie is not good. It’s bad, very bad…but entertaining. Kids, Minecraft players, fans of Jared Hess, or bad movie connoisseurs will likely get the most out of this one. A Minecraft Movie is all but destined to become a new cult classic. Next stop: midnight screenings?