IS THE MAGIC BACK?

 Recently, I’ve been bitching about the Disney Company. Well, I’ve been forced to eat crow. It would seem that they have started taking steps in the right direction. The D23 Parks panel happened last night. First off: Nothing was announced about our Space Mountain, so it seems my girl is safe for now. THANK GOD. With that out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the announcements and updates that came out of the event.

CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS: Bryan Cranston and Jamie Lee Curtis confirmed to voice Father and Mother at the new Carousel of Progress! It re-opens late Spring 2027!

SPACESHIP EARTH: Spaceship Earth update announced. New magic brought to every scene and a new story about progress made through human connection. The update will be “classically EPCOT”.

EXPEDITION EVEREST: Yeti is announced to be returning to movement at Disney’s Animal Kingdom!!!! That’s right, they are going to be fixing the Yeti!!! IT’S A DISNEY MIRACLE!!!!!

AVENGERS:INFINITY FORCE AND STARK FLIGHT LABS : Robert Downey will be reprising his role of Tony Stark/Iron Man for Avengers: Infinity Defense and Stark Flight Lab! The sets for Avengers: Infinity Defense look larger than life. Chris Hemsworth will also return as Thor, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and Anthony Mackie as Captain America for Avengers. Brie Larson will return as Captain Marvel for Stark Flight Lab. Both attractions will open at Disney’s California Adventure in 2028.

INDIANA JONES ATTRACTION: Harrison Ford will be the model for the Indiana Jones at the new Indy ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. The ride will be called Indiana Jones and the Myth of the Jade Serpent. Riders will explore an ancient Mayan temple in the 1950s, and will learn about Mayan culture and how it connects to nature. The ride will focus on a portal to the Mayan underworld and will feature gigantic mythological creatures including monstrous bats, scorpions, and serpents.

ENCANTO ATTRACTION: The Encanto ride is called Antonio’s Fiesta de Casita and all the voice actors will be returning. There will be more than 50 animals in the ride. There is no height requirement.

NEW CARS RIDE: The name of the new Cars ride coming to Magic Kingdom is Cars Ridge Run Rally. It will feature a variety of different environments including a ride up a mountain, through snowy peaks, down rough valleys, and through geysers.

MONSTROPOLIS: The show replacing Muppetvision is called Welcome to Monstropolis starring Mike and Sulley. Mike is planning a small homespun show but Sully has bigger plans. The idea is to show humans that monsters aren’t so different from us. The show will feature the first song Randy Newman has written for a Disney park.

Harryhaussen’s restaurant will feature a sushi chef AA.

In the Monsters Inc. door coaster, riders will be lifted 40ft in the air within 4 seconds and launched into the coaster.

The new Monsters Inc land at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will open next year, with the door coaster opening later!!!

VILLAINS LAND MAGIC KINGDOM: The name for Villains Land will be…VILLAINS LAND. The story for the land is entirely new. We enter through a dark forest where we encounter a broken wishing well. The forest is corrupted by the wishing wells toxic magic, created by a twisted wish. Cruella, Facilier, and more are drawn to the magic and use it to create a place for themselves. The coaster will be themed to Maleficent and will ride through her twisted briar. The second attraction will be a boat ride through the Evil Queen’s castle’s bowels, where we encounter the magic mirror and are sucked into the spirit realm.

So incredible to see Glen Close return as Cruella for D23!!! She’s still got it!!! In character, she demands Disney build a ride for Cruella but Disney doesn’t confirm that ride is coming.

TOMORROWLAND: Disneyland’s Tomorrowland is going to be re-imagined with optimism including new attractions.

JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT RE-DO: A new Journey into Imagination with Figment and Dreamfinder will debut at EPCOT!!!!

So, as you can see, the future of the Disney parks is looking surprisingly bright. It would seem the new management/creative leadership is back on the right path. So yes, I will admit that I might have jumped the gun with my complaints. If they are able to pull all of these off (and I think there’s a good chance they will), you can consider me a Dis-Fan again. Please don’t prove me wrong, Disney.

ICE CREAM MAN MELTS IN YOUR HANDS, NOT YOUR MOUTH

I did not scream.

Let’s address the AI controversy first. There is indeed a moderate amount of AI used throughout the movie, both in animated sequences and live-action ones. I counted at least 15 shots that might have used AI (I only counted 2 kills that might have used AI. Most of the kills seem to rely on practical effects. It has been confirmed AI was used for the animated sequences and for a flashback scene, so the rest is speculation) . When the AI is there, it’s there for literally seconds at a time, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. This flick was clearly made on a very low budget, but that’s still not an excuse.

As for the quality of the film itself… it’s pretty bad. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man plays like an uninspired riff on The Crazies, but with homicidal ice cream crazed kids murdering all the adults in their town. It feels like one of those fake trailers that played before Grindhouse. There is no story or character development and the acting sucks across the board. 

Eli Roth gets a supporting role as the dad of our main kid. He’s mostly featured in a needless dinner scene that exists solely for padding. Charles Zeltzer is Jared, our lead. Like the rest of the actors, he’s not a great but is likable enough. Dylan Hawco plays Chris, our dime-store dim-witted Zach Effron who isn’t given much to do but be a romantic interest for one of our leads. 

Ari Millen as the mute Ice Cream Man (and no, we are never given a reason for why he doesn’t speak) is one of the only actors/characters with some presence. He is given a lame and weird backstory, but it’s never explained what he does to the ice cream to curse it (yes, the ice cream is literally cursed or demonic. The characters say this out right in the third act). It also doesn’t help that he isn’t given much to do. Charlie Storey as Piper, one of the Ice Cream kids is the only other character/actor with a bit of presence.  

The kills are entertaining enough, but that’s really all the film has going for it. The screenplay by Eli Roth and Noah Belson is painfully sub-par as well (I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if AI helped with the screenplay too). There’s an uncomfortable joke about a 12 year old with Bulemia. One semi-positive is one scene where Roth attempts to pay homage to the famous playground scene from The Birds, but even that fails to nail the landing.

Complete with an insulting and stupid non-ending, Ice Cream Man is the kind of horror film people who hate horror films think horror films are. Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man literally just exists for mindless kills and gore. A shame, considering the core idea is actually pretty great. Ice Cream Man is basically just a visual effects sizzle reel. I don’t think Eli Roth will be able to bounce back after this.

1 STAR