Alien: Covenant

Alien Covenant is the sequel to Prometheus and another one of the (soon to be many) Alien prequels. In Covenant, we follow the crew of The Covenant, a Weyland-Yutani vessel who's mission is to colonize a distant planet. The crew consists of various couples, who's jobs are to assist with the mission. On the way to the planet, The Covenant pick up a distress signal that seems to be human in nature. The signal hails from a nearby planet that appears to be not much different from Earth. The Covenant crew land to seek out the source of the signal and explore the planet to deem if it is a good fit for colonization. It isn't long before hell opens up and a whole slew of Neomorphs and Xenomorphs attack.

Alien: Covenant is a somewhat successful merge of Prometheus, Alien and Aliens. The focus here is clearly on action/horror (and the action/horror scenes work pretty well, although the film does seem to disregard some of the Alien lore), but there is still a good deal of meandering about and doing nothing (mainly in the first act). There are many people on board the Covenant, and while each is given some character we never spend enough time with any one of them to really feel like we know them. To the cast's credit, I did buy them as a team and everyone worked well off of each other. The main players include Billy Crudup as Oram, the new captain of the Covenant who has some strong religious leanings and has some hang-ups about the rest of the crew. Katherine Waterston plays Daniels, a Ripley-esque character who I quickly grew to like. Danny McBride plays Tennessee, the pilot with an attitude. Michael Fassbender does double duty as Walter, a more advanced android who's job is to assist and protect the crew of the Covenant, and David, back again with some secrets up his sleeve. Waterston, Fassbender and McBride impressed the most.

The design of the planet, the Neomorphs, and the classic Xenomorph are all pretty great. I wasn't crazy about how all of the sfx seemed to be done using CGI, but at least everything looked good. Unlike Prometheus, Covenant is one made purely for Alien fans. There are many references to Alien (from MU-TH-ER, to musical stings lifted directly from Alien, to fragments of lines, etc.), and I enjoyed getting to uncover these not-so-hidden easter eggs.

The plot here is fairly simple (follow the crew of the Covenant on an exploratory mission gone wrong), the film is predictable at points, and I liked that we actually get answers here (something Prometheus was sorely lacking). It honestly feels like there was supposed to be another film or two before we got to this point, but because everyone hated Prometheus Scott rushed the timeline and dumbed things down.  Alien: Covenant is a big budget action/horror/sci-fi blockbuster (which has very little sci-fi and world building). In the end, I'd say it's more of a mixed bag. There is plenty that is great, but also a good deal that tastes a little funny. I do have some problems with the film (Wasn't a great, epic film. Wanted more blood, more horror, more practical effects. Wanted to be invested in our leads more. Ending was a little disappointing. Honestly, part of me wants to say I liked Prometheus more.) but despite this, Alien: Covenant is still a decent Alien film.

3 STARS

THE BELKO EXPERIMENT PASSES THE TEST

Belko Industries is a company based in Bogota, Colombia that specializes in hiring Americans to work in foreign areas/companies. On what appears to be a normal day, the employees arrive to work at Belko only to notice significantly upped security measures, and all the local Colombian workers being sent home. Once inside the building, things resume as they usually would until a booming voice comes on over the intercom, instructing the workers to kill any two of their co-workers. It's all treated as a mean-spirited prank until the building goes on lockdown, impenetrable shutters slide over all the windows and doors, and people's heads start exploding. As the voice continues to deliver deadly instructions, it quickly becomes kill-or-be-killed as a battle for survival ensues.

Belko has a fantastic cast. Although the characters aren't completely fleshed out, I still found them believable and was surprised that some of the deaths really hurt. The best characters/actors were John C. Mcginley as Wendell Dukes (a creepy office flirt turned psycho), Michael Rooker as Bud (a kind, calm and intelligent maintenance man ), Tony Goldwyn as COO Barry Norris (He starts out as a nice guy but essentially turns into Carl from Ghost), John Gallagher Jr. as Michael Milch (The "Good Guy" who insists that the circumstances do not alter what is right and what is wrong), James Earl as Evan (a kind security guard), and Adria Arjona as Leandra (A kind-hearted but rational romantic interest who is involved in a frowned upon relationship with  Mike).

The Belko Experiment is penned by James Gunn, and some of his sensibilities shine through though I'll say in general this isn't all that strong of a script. It's directed by Greg McLean, who also directed Wolf Creek, and his tendency towards a dark tone is evident. The film is pretty fun, but also super-dark, very tense, darkly comic at times, brutal, gory and downright cynical. You may find yourself grasping the arms of your seat throughout as you can never fully tell exactly when the next person is going to bite the bullet (or axe, or tape-dispenser, etc). The message is ever present, though it is somewhat small and the big picture/point of the whole experiment is never really revealed.

The real draw of The Belko Experiment is the chaos, violence, and getting to watch how individuals or groups of people can react differently to the same tense situation. It's like a midnight movie that wants to have a message, but flounders when it comes to the particulars. You'll find yourself cheering at times, but feel bad for doing so because of the realization that you may be just as bad as some of the people on screen.  Graded like a test, I would give Belko a C+.

3.5 STARS

SMALLS TAKES THE CURE AND FINDS THAT IT IS WONDERFUL HERE

A Cure for Wellness stars Dane DeHaan as Lockhart; a young, ambitious executive for an investment firm. When the CEO of the corporation fails to return from the Swiss "wellness spa" he has been staying at, Lockhart is sent to bring him back. Due to unfortunate circumstances, Lockhart himself is involuntarily checked into the spa, where he begins to undergo "treatment". It isn't long before he realizes all is not right, and begins his own investigation into the spa's past, and into what exactly the "cure" is.

DeHaan has finally found another vehicle to show off his superb acting talents. His Lockhart is essentially a yuppie type, somewhat similar to that of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho minus the mental illness. He starts out as an unlikable guy who is ruthless, unfeeling, and motivated by upward mobility. What he experiences throughout the film slowly begins to change his character, and softens him a bit. DeHaan sells his role as an unconventional and almost ineffectual hero just about perfectly. This is easily the best role he has had to date (Yes, even better than his character in Chronicle).

Mia Goth is eerily beautiful as Hanna, a young patient whom Lockhart befriends and may hold the key to everything. She appears sporadically throughout the film until her role is beefed up near the end. DeHaan and Goth play off of each other pretty well, and they share some nice chemistry. Jason Isaacs is very creepy and unsettling as the head of the spa, Dr. Volmer. His wellness spa seems to be focused on using water as a way to help cure what ails people. His intentions are always shady, and he has a definite sinister edge. Celia Imrie is memorable as one of the patients at the spa who has a penchant for crossword puzzles and is interested in the hidden history of the center as well. Lockhart and her form a small friendship throughout the course of the film. Ivo Nandi is also memorable as Enrico, the friendly driver who shows up at odd intervals to assist Lockhart.

For the first third of the film, A Cure for Wellness seems to be a tirade against Capitalism until it slowly morphs into something else completely. It's fun to follow Lockhart as he attempts to solve the mysteries that lie at the core of the wellness spa (in this respect, the film almost feels similar to Shutter Island). A Cure for Wellness could be classified as part noir, part thriller and part horror film (art house horror to be exact). A lot of disturbing things go down in the film, and it can get surprisingly brutal at times. Lockhart is really put through the wringer in increasingly nasty ways.

Directed by Gore Verbinski and shot by Bojan Bazelli (both of whom brought us The Ring), it should come as no surprise that A Cure for Wellness feels like The Ring in many different ways. It's an eerie, unsettling and thoroughly creepy flick. The atmosphere is rich and seeping with tension and the cinematography is consistently haunting and gorgeous. Just about every frame is a work of art. The story and the twisting path it takes us on is very satisfying as well.

I will admit that this film is fairly lengthy. A Cure For Wellness runs at two hours and thirty minutes. It's a slow, thoughtful film. This never bothered me as I enjoyed getting lost in the gorgeous, intricate world built here. That said, I can easily see how some may deem the film just too darn long. It is definitely very ambitious and self-indulgent, but the third act does provide a satisfying (and bonkers) pay off. An accurate one word summary of the film would be "Grand".

A Cure for Wellness is a different kind of horror film. It's drenched in atmosphere, filled with a thick tension, and manages to be surprisingly brutal and disturbing at times. It is undoubtedly one of the more bizarre, disturbing, ambitious, ballsy, unique and beautifully realized studio horror films to come out in the modern day (The fact that a film like this can still be made in the studio system today almost gives one hope). It's certainly not made for mass audiences, but I think it will find it's crowd given time. A Cure For Wellness is a memorable film that will haunt your thoughts long after the end credits have rolled.

5 STARS

THE BEST FILMS OF 2016

As we all know, 2016 was a pretty tough year. Luckily, the year in film had some real winners. Let's put aside all the negatives, and try looking at the positives...at least, as far as movies go. here is my top 20 films of 2016.

But first, some honorable mentions:

Nocturnal Animals
Zootopia
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Finding Dory
Captain America: Civil War
Doctor Strange
Indignation
The Jungle Book
Don't Breathe
The Invitation

And now, my top 20

20. Moana- A beautiful film about growing up, finding yourself, and the importance of your heritage. It's not just an empowerment tale for young girls, as there are things that everyone could find relevant or touching. With a fantastic voice cast and memorable tunes (some of which are by Lin Manuel-Miranda), I would qualify Moana as the best animated film of 2016, and one that would be well worth checking out. No other animated film this year gave me chills all over like this one did.

19. The Purge: Election Year- Another year, another outing for the successful Purge franchise. While this three-quel isn't quite as good as Anarchy was, there is still plenty to enjoy here. If not it's overtly political message, than maybe how incredibly timely and relevant it feels to what's happening in our society today. This film manages to have it's cake and eat it too, telling a strong anti-violence message through use of gratuitous violence.

18. The Witch- A slow-moving, and disturbing flick. It can be a challenging watch due to the hard-to-comprehend old english and it's snail's pace, but the last act rewards patient viewers with one hell of an explosive finale. Tackling themes of religion, stubborn pride, and sexual repression, The Witch was the first great horror film of 2016.

17. Lamb- An unconventional love story between a 45 year old man and 11 year old girl. Oona Lawrence and Ross Partridge (who also directs the film and writes the screenplay) are more than game for the heavy material they are handed. Partridge's produces a multi-faceted, complex portrayal of a broken man stuck in a very bad period of his life, and Oona Lawrence puts on what may be the single best performance I've seen from a young actor. She is easily his equal, and goes toe-to-toe with him (acting-wise) for the whole film. Both characters are unhappy with the lives they are living, and are only happy when with each other. The film is constantly challenging and uncomfortable in it's portrayal of a forbidden romance (don't worry, there is no kissing or sexual encounters between our two leads. The most they do is hug and dance), but this makes the film surprisingly stronger. Lamb certainly won't be to everyone's tastes, but if you want to see two of the best performances this year then Lamb is worth a rental or purchase.

16. The Nice Guys- Shane Black returns with a genre flick after his fairly unpopular Iron Man 3 (I loved it, but what you gonna do?). Russel Crowe and Ryan Gosling star as an unlikely detective duo trying to uncover and automobile conspiracy in the 1970's. The film is super fun, and Gosling and Crowe make for a fine comedic duo.  Nice Guys is a little uneven, and we dont wind up caring all that much about the case they are trying to solve, but the atmosphere, setting, characters, and comedy are all fantastic. Nice Guys winds up feeling a little too much like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (a film that I would say I liked better than this one), but overall if you are a fan of period pieces, genre flicks, Shane Black, or films that are just plain fun, then Nice Guys is a can't miss (It's worth a watch alone for the party scene).

15. The Lobster- A fascinating and bizarre look at society and dating's place in it. It often feels like a modern day fable. Colin Farrell is fantastic as the sad sack, lonely heart at the center of the story. The film is very dark, depressing, and not really all that fun of a watch. That said, I loved it's themes, messages, and comments on society and dating. I'd qualify it as a super-dark, quirky comedy. If you like intelligent Indies, then The Lobster would be worth a watch.

14. Rogue One- This is the Star Wars film I've been wanting to see. It returns us back to the timeline of the original three films (An New Hope, Empire, and Jedi), and I've gotta say it's good to be home. We get AT-ATs, The Death Star, classic Rebellion outfits, Darth Vader, Tie-Fighters, X-Wings and more! The first act is a little slow, but the last 40 minutes or so is action-packed, nostalgic fun. Plus, the film ends just about perfectly (in my opinion, at least). Rogue One is more of a Star Wars film for adults (Definitely not for kids). It's dark, violent, a little mean, but still fun and a bit goofy. One of the biggest surprises of 2016, Rogue One easily makes it onto this list.

13. Manchester By The Sea- Talk about your depressing films. I'd compare this one to Requiem For A Dream, both are different kinds of films that still manage to leave a hole in your heart. The script (by Kenneth Lonergan, who also directs), perfectly captures the feel of real life conversations. It's a film that is surprisingly easy to watch, despite it's heavy, depressing subject material. Casey Affleck and Lucas Hedges are superb and make for a fine duo in the film. I left this one feeling a little dead inside, but this is a film that tries to stay true to real life and unfortunately, there aren't always happy endings or satisfying answers in the real world.

12. Fences- Denzel Washington treats audiences to a true Broadway theatrical experience, bloated run-time and all. Denzel is perfect as Troy Maxson, a man who is constantly sliding up and down the scale of hero-villain. Viola Davis puts on one of the best female performances I've seen in quite some time as Rose, his long-time struggling but still faithful wife. Mykelti Williamson (aka Bubba from Forrest Gump) is unrecognizable as Troy's mentally handicapped brother who believes it is his job to blow his trumpet to wake up St. Peter so he can open the pearly gates when it is time. The film acts as fully engaging family drama, and it has one of the best scripts of 2016. This was the film that had me tearing up the most in 2016. I was surprised at how touched and moved I was by the whole thing.

11. Tickled- That's right, a documentary made it into my best of 2016 list. In Tickled, we follow David Farrier, a gay journalist who decides to investigate the world of competitive tickling (yes, this is a real thing) and in doing so uncovers a disturbing, weird and bizarre world lurking just underneath ours. This film that starts out as a fin, silly, weird fluff piece winds up becoming something chilling, scary, and deeply disturbing. A riveting documentary that actually ends on a satisfying notes and delivers answers I wasn't sure it would be able to provide. A must-see.

10. Swiss Army Man- A film about finding the beauty in life and in death. Daniel Radcliffe is superb as Manny, a magical farting corpse that saves Paul Dano's Hank from suicide and ultimately teaches him some valuable life lessons. The film is definitely silly, weird and strange but still beautiful, inspiring and uplifting nonetheless.

9. Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them- At a time when we all needed an escape, this film provided it to us while still commenting on modern societal issues. Fantastic Beasts provided us with memorable characters, plenty of whimsy, and a dark undercurrent. The film has plenty to say about hatred, fear, love, and acceptance (all relevant and important themes to today's age). Fantastic Beasts managed to whisk audiences into a new but familiar magical world while still leaving us plenty to reflect on. I'd say it was easily the most magical film of 2016 (I saw it three times in theaters, and loved it each time).

8. Sing Street- A story of a boy, his band, and the girl that inspired him. Directed and written by John Carney, is it any surprise the the film and the songs found within are as great as they are? Ferdia Walsh-Peelo (as Conor, our lead), Jack Reynor (as Brendan, Conor's older brother. This is easily Reynor's best role to date), and Lucy Boynton (as Raphina, Conor's crush. She's absolutely gorgeous despite some atrocious 80's hair-dos) are all fantastic. It's great fun to watch the formation of the band, the creation of the various songs, Conor and Raphina's budding romance, and Conor's slow maturation into a man (It's surprising how much I bought him as a leading man by the end of the film). Sing Street is not just an 80's period piece, it also acts as a musical of sorts (complete with an awesome 50's musical sequence). Sing Street is a great, feel-good pick-me-up.

7. Hell or High Water- One hell of a film. I heard a lot of people raving about this film, I never expected to join their ranks. This film was great. An old-fashioned Robin Hood/Bank Heist film about the poor stealing from the rich to give to....themselves. Chris Pine and Ben Foster star as brothers who set out to rob all the branches of the bank that intends to foreclose on their ranch, paying them off with the stolen goods. Jeff Bridges co-stars as a sympathetic but stalwart version of Johnny-law, and Gil Birmingham does a fantastic job as his friend and partner. This film has what I consider to be the best script of 2016. The film itself is pretty funny, and action-packed (plenty of bank robbery scenes for us to enjoy), and lost of fun. This is still one of the best guy films I've seen in recent years.

6. Hidden Figures- An important film that also manages to be fun and cool. It sheds light on little known historical figures and their stories. Taraji P. Henson and Kevin Costner are the standouts here. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this film. A fun and informative flick for families that people of all ages and races can sit and enjoy together.

5. Deadpool- The best super-person film of 2016. I can't say super-hero because, let's face it, Deadpool is no hero. He is a trash talking, sarcastic mercenary who is only ever on his own side. I never expected to get a faithful Deadpool flick, but here we are. The film is the closest we've gotten to a completely faithful adaptation of the comics. I literally felt like I was reading a Deadpool comic while watching this movie. It's fun, it's insane, it's hilarious, and it's naughty. Deadpool is no doubt the most fun I had in a theater all of 2016.

4. Green Room- An intensely depressing film about a couple of kids who try to do the right thing and are severely punished for it. When down on their luck punk band The Ain't Rights book a gig at a neo-nazi bar, they stumble upon a murder scene.Their attempt to call for help is cut off by management and they're forced into the bar's green room. Out-gunned and outnumbered, they soon realize that they may have to fight their way out. This was to be Anton Yelchin's last great film, as we tragically lost the talented young actor earlier in 2016. He stars here alongside Imogen Poots, who previously played his girlfriend in Fright Night. To no surprise their chemistry is strong, and they superbly play off of each other as a strained friendship forms between them throughout the course of the film.  Green Room is a depressing, tense, brutal, and thrilling as hell horror film that manages to shock and entertain while subtly delivering a few chuckles. Green Room is hands-down the best horror film of 2016.

3. Moonlight- A film for men about growing up and how masculinity can play a key role in the process. It's pretty tragic and moving. The film is hauntingly shot (by James Laxton) and scored (by Nicholas Britell). Everything comes together to tell the story of a young boy's journey into manhood. Haunting, hypnotic, complex, intensely intimate. and quite memorable. Moonlight is quite unlike anything else I've seen in 2016. 

2. Arrival- So much more than just an alien invasion film. It's shocking that Arrival comes out at exactly the perfect time (There is no way they could have planned this). The film has so many messages that are pertinent to today and what's going on right now. It comments on hatred, fear, and the need for unity and acceptance, while still sneaking in messages about love, loss, and the true nature of time. Both times I saw this, I left the theater feeling brand-new and ready to go out and face the next 4-8 years. Arrival is the most inspiring, touching and uplifting film of 2016. It's what we all need right now.

1. Silence- Martin Scorsese's 20 year in the making passion project tackles some heavy religious material, mainly dealing with a crisis of faith. Andrew Garfield puts on the best performance of his career thus far as Father Rodriguez, a Jesuit priest who experiences his own crisis of faith when sent to Japan to find his lost mentor. Garfield struggles as he watches others suffer for him. His dedication to his faith is ultimately tested through cruel psychological torture. The film is expertly crafted with some religious undertones. That said, it never talks down to its audience or provides any easy answers. Silence is a challenging watch that is filled with scenes of brutal torture. It's The Passion of The Christ if it was made by a master director. I left deeply shaken and touched by what I'd seen, and the film still haunts my thoughts as I write this article. It is the best film of 2016, and the best modern work of Scorsese.

SILENCE IS UNFORGETTABLE

17th century Japan was not a nice place to live. The ones in charge were strictly enforcing a complete shut out of Christianity/Catholicism and anyone discovered to be practicing that faith or attempting to spread it were arrested, told to denounce their faith (by stepping on a picture of Jesus), and if they refused they were tortured and eventually killed. Silence is based on a 1966 book by Japanese author Tanizaki Prize. This is a passion project for director Scorcese, and has been in development since 1990. Passion projects don't always pan out well, but for Scorsese the effort pays off beautifully.

In 1639, priests Rodrigues (Andrew Garfield) and Garupe (Adam Driver) travel to Japan in search of their mentor Ferriera (Liam Neeson), who was there spreading Catholicism and is rumored to have publicly denounced his faith after being captured and tortured. Their mission is to find Ferriera, discover if he is still faithful to the cause, and spread Catholicism there if possible. While in Japan, Rodrigues undergoes his own crisis of faith as he witnesses unspeakable acts of suffering and torture, and is ultimately tested himself.

Adam Driver is pretty great as Garupe, though he doesn't play as important of a role as I expected him to. A big surprise was Shin'ya Tsukamoto as Mokichi, a Japanese practitioner of Catholicism who befriends both Rodrigues and Garupe. Mokichi has some of the most affecting scenes in the whole film. Liam Neeson is superb as Ferriera, although he doesn't appear until well into the third act, and has little screen time. He still manages to make a strong impression, and this is easily his best modern day role.

All this said, Silence is mostly a one man show. That one man would be Andrew Garfield, who tackles his meaty role with gusto. He is our main character, and we spend 100% of the running time following him and his journey. His struggles throughout the film are deeply affecting, and there were a few scenes where I choked up a bit watching his and others' suffering and abuse. Garfield's Rodrigues continually prays to God throughout the film, and after a while it starts to feel like he is praying to the audience watching the film. This alone brings up questions and will be sure to ignite discussions. Andrew Garfield continues to prove himself a stunning, magnificent talent and this is easily his best role so far. He manages to make his character relatable and personal, but also vulnerable and all too human. It did bother me a bit that the film kept relating his trials to that of Christ's, but luckily this is brought up and discussed later on in a satisfying way. I have no qualms saying that Andrew Garfield as Rodrigues is easily the performance of the year. I'm happy to see him get a nod for Best actor at the Oscars, although it was for the wrong role.

Silence is a film that is expertly crafted from beginning to end. The direction, script (by Scorsese and Jay Cocks), the editing (Thelma Schoonmaker), and the cinematography (by Rodrigo Prieto) are all fantastic.  It's interesting to note that the film itself is pretty silent as there isn't much of a score to accompany the scenes. At two hours and forty one minutes, it does run a bit on the long side. That said, every single frame in this film is important. It's all a part of the deeply personal journey Scorsese is taking us on. Yes, this is a very tough film to watch. There is a lot of torture, and every scene of it is deeply affecting and disturbing. Don't walk in expecting a feel-good film, this is a challenging cinematic experience. Silence is about religion, faith, the personal resolve of men, and how all this can be tested (the audience is tested as well).

There should be no doubt by now that Scorsese is a master at his craft. His modern films have all been masterpieces in their own right, and Silence is no exception. After two hours plus of nasty, disturbing stuff going on, Scorsese offers the audience a meditative, calming credits score consisting of crickets and ambient noise (which fits in perfectly with 1600s Japan). It's a nice, welcome reprieve that allows us a chance to finally catch our breaths and reflect on what we just watched. It's not often I want to stay for the whole credits, but this was one of those rare occasions. This alone demonstrates how in tune Scorsese is with his craft. He was able to sense what audiences would need after such a grueling, relentless experience.

Silence acts as a history lesson (some of the proceedings are fictionalized, but it is historically accurate to that era in Japan, and Rodrigues is based on real life historical figure Giuseppe Chiara), a deep character study, and an examination of faith during trying times. It never condones or condemns one religion or another. It takes us on a deeply personal journey (I'm not a religious person, but this affected more than I expected it to. I look at it as more about faith than religion). This is a film that is impossible to ignore, and I know it will be swimming around in my mind for a long time to come. Silence is powerful, moving, complex, and meaningful. It is the crown jewel and defining masterpiece of Scorsese's modern film career.

SMALL'S WORST FILMS OF 2016

I thunk we can all agree that 2016 sucked...HARD! We lost many beloved icons, a shameless demagogue was elected into the top position in the U.S, and the U.K. voted to leave the E.U. (among other tragedies). I suppose now is as good a time as any to say farewell to 2016 by giving the finger to these 10 terrible films which I consider to be THE WORST FILMS OF 2016!

First, a few dishonorable mentions:

Ghostbusters- A remake that no one wanted or was looking forward to. It wasn't funny enough, relied too heavily on nostalgia, and failed to come up with a reason for existing. Worth a watch only for Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones

Assassin's Creed- Not a good movie, but also not a bad video game adaptation. The color palette is dark, grey, brown and murky. The world inside the Animus is given very little plot, characters or development (we only spend a maximum of 30 minutes in the Animus, probably less) while the real world (mostly inside an Abstergo facility) is given most of the film's plot, character and development (in other words, the exact opposite of an Assassin's Creed game). That said, this film does manage to accurately depict the world, backstory and some of the action of the games. The actors all do pretty decent jobs, with the best one being Marion Cotillard as the kind hearted head of The Animus project and the daughter of Abstergo CEO Alan Rikkin (Jeremy Irons). I actually gave a shit about her character. Fassbender and Irons both are fine, but ultimately not super memorable. Assassin's Creed doesn't offer much for those who aren't already familiar with the world of the games, it seems to be made for hardcore fans (and even then I've read reviews from fans who didn't particularly enjoy the film). Assassin's Creed doesn't offer much plot, character development or world building. I thought the Animus arm, some of the action, and Abstergo were cool and I was interested in learning more about Abstergo and what they were really up to....unfortunately, there aren't really any surprises (you are told everything you need to know in an opening text scrawl) and the film never really goes anywhere in the end. While there are certainly some cool things inside Assassin's Creed, it moves at a slow pace and isn't as exciting as it should be. It's not a terrible film (or even really bad), it ends up being just ok. It shouldn't provoke any kind of emotion from audience members. Honestly, I'd say you'd probably get more if you just played one of the games.

Now, onto the top 10

10.  Independence Day: Resurgence- Man, this film looked fun. Man, it really wasn't. There wasn't all that much action, the script was pretty bad (as was most of the acting), and it ended on a sequel-bait of an ending. I really wanted this film not to suck, but suck it did. 

9.  The Girl on the Train- A film that was advertised as if it was going to be the next Gone Girl. Spoiler Alert: It wasn't. The first two acts were actually fairly interesting, and the film had a good mystery at its core. Too bad the last act became your typical lifetime movie where men are evil and women have to team up to defeat them and blah blah blah. No amount of good acting from Emily Blunt and the beautiful Haley Bennett could save this turd. Don't buy a ticket to this train to shitsville. 

8.  Yoga Hosers- I was not quite as harsh on this one as other critics, that still didn't save Yoga Hosers from making it onto this list though. Kevin Smith once again displays a total lack of self control. Johnny Depp gets slightly more mileage out of his tired Guy Lapointe character than he did in Tusk, but this film is still mostly annoying and makes the mistake of attempting to trash critics. We get it Smith, you're butt-hurt because critics don't like your films anymore....maybe you should just retire. 

7.  Carnage Park- Mickey Keating (who wrote and directed this turd) clearly wants to be the next Tarantino. He's not. His writing is awful, as is his directing and  LOKK AT ME LOOK AT ME editing style. I couldn't even make it all the way through this one. Pat Healy is trying here, but it's a wasted effort.

6. Gods of Egypt- A bad film that mixes together Prince of Persia, Aladdin, and Egyptian mythology to poor results. The CGI is bad, there are lots of video-game levels, the action scenes are confusing and hard to follow, the dialogue is awful, the humor doesn't work, and the "Egyptians" tend to speak with a non-Egyptian accent (and are white). This film is every bit as bad as you have heard....that said, it's kind of hard not to enjoy your time with it.

5. Nine Lives- Starring Cat-vin Spacey. There is a lot of annoying fake cat noises and lots of fake cat CGI (which looks bad). The film itself is fairly dull, boring and filled with silly, unrealistic cat hijinx. Kevin Spacey is clearly trying in what is mostly a voice-over role (and to his credit, he does make for a good voice-over actor), but he can't save this piece of cinema cat poop.

4. Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (Theatrical Cut)- I wrote a lengthy rant on this stinker, and my original rating still stands (though the Director's Cut is significantly better). Where do I start with this one? The film lacks focus, tries to tell five different stories at once (and tells each one poorly), fails to understand these characters and why audiences love them, there's no plot, the editing is atrocious, and the whole film is a nonsensical nightmare. I'm officially done with giving Zach Snyder my money, you should be too. We deserve a better class of hero(s), and a better class of directors too. 

3. Zoolander 2- Unfunny crap that does nothing but attempt to re-tell beloved jokes from the original while throwing in a butt-load of unneeded celebrity cameos that add absolutely nothing to the film. It's pretty bad when a sequel makes you question your love of the original. Mark this one up as yet another I just couldn't finish.

2. Passengers- What could have been a perfectly decent piece of sci-fi fluff is turned into something far more harmful by a terrible, BAD decision by our male lead. What's worse is that I can easily see how this issue could have been fixed by a simple script re-write. It also doesn't help that the film winds up being fairly predictable and bland as well. Unfortunately, the blame for Passenger's failure falls squarely at scriptwriter's Jon Spaihts' feet. 

1. Meet The Blacks- Damn my love of The Purge! This film isn't morally reprehensible or disgusting (like Passengers), but it is still my pick for worst film of 2016 for a multitude of reasons. This atrocious attempt at a Purge spoof (specifically, the first Purge film. Think A Haunted House, Meet The Spartans, or the Scary Movie films) falls flat at every single step of the way. It's unfunny, painful, needlessly loud, poorly written (almost every character is constantly talking/shouting over each other), and just plain BAD. I only made it to the hour mark before I realized this wasn't going to get any better and quickly shut it off. You'd have more fun banging your head face-first into a wall for an hour thirty-four minutes. You'd also likely lose less brain cells too. 

So there you have it, my worst films of 2016. It was a tough year, let's hope 2017 takes it easier on us. Hang in there, I'm still compiling my BEST FILMS of 2016 list, so until then....keep it classy!

FENCES TREATS AUDIENCES TO A TRUE BROADWAY EXPERIENCE

Fences is adapted from the play by August Wilson. In it, we follow Troy Maxson (Denzel Washington) and the lives of his family and friends as they all learn to take the crookeds with the straights. Denzel Washington is our lead and does one hell of a fine performance (maybe even performance of the year). He plays a deeply flawed man that still has quite a bit of goodness inside him. He's humorous, gruff, mean, kind, loving, strict, firm and stubborn. In short, he's a complex character that resembles a real human being. It's fun to watch Troy slide up and down the scale of Hero-Villain, ultimately falling somewhere firmly in-between. It's impressive that Denzel allows himself to be seen as an actual person. He's greying and has a belly, he's still handsome but in a very normal way.

Viola Davis is phenomenal as Rose, Troy's wife and the rock of Troy's family. She stands by her man through thick and thin, and has plenty of struggles throughout where her resolve and commitment is tested. It's so cool to see her take a character that could easily be portrayed as weak, and turn her into one of the best and strongest female characters in film in 2016. She shares a scene with Denzel/Troy that was deeply affecting and made her struggle super relatable (to the point where it may have brought me to tears).  I'd say Rose was easily the strongest (and my favorite) character in the film. Viola Davis deserves to take home an Oscar for her performance here.

Stephen Henderson shines as Jim Bono, the good-natured long-term friend of Troy's who often finds himself in the middle of arguments between Troy and others. He takes a supporting role and makes it quite memorable, to the point where when he disappears for a significant portion I started to miss him. Mykelti Williamson (aka Bubba from Forrest Gump) completely disappears into his role as Gabriel, the mentally disabled, kind hearted brother to Troy. He has some interesting biblical beliefs regarding to what role he has to play in his life, and his sub-plot comes to fruition in a tear-inducing way at the end. Mykelti Williamson is another clear standout in the film, and I wouldn't be surprised if he were nominated for an Oscar this year.

If it weren't already obvious, I LOVED this film. It's superbly scripted (Easily one of the best scripts I've sampled this year), shot (by Charlotte Bruus Christensen), acted, and directed (by Denzel Washington himself. I'm surprised he's so good at coaxing such superb performances from every single member of his cast). It's a film that feels timeless. We are given small hints as to what time period it's set in (including clothes worn. The biggest clue is the date on a high school varsity jacket near the end), but for the most part this is a film that feels like it could take place in any era and still be just as relevant. The only problem I had with Fences, is that the last forty minutes or so drags on and on and on as it feels like it keeps prolonging the ending. However, even in these last forty minutes or so, there are still plenty of powerful moments.

It became clear to me by the end that Fences likely works better as a play than it does as a film (It's also shot and staged much the way a play would be), that said this is still one hell of a fine movie that treats viewers to a true Broadway theatrical experience. Fences affected me in ways I never expected it to. I was a blubbering mess by the time the end credits rolled, and for a person that doesn't cry easily, that's one of the highest compliments I can give a movie. I'd say Fences is well worth your time, just be prepared for a long third act.

4.5 STARS