DEEP RED/PROFONDO ROSSO IS ARGENTO'S INFLUENTIAL MASTERPIECE

 In Deep Red (or Profondo Rosso), talented pianist Marcus Daly (David Hemmings) witnesses a horrific murder and soon becomes obsessed with solving the crime on his own. His investigation leads him to an abandoned "haunted" mansion with a mysterious past that seems connected to a murder involving a young child.

Deep Red is easily one of Dario Argento's best. The suspense is rich and constant. The score (by The Goblins and Giorgio Gaslini) is perfection: It's jazzy, reminiscent of rock-and-roll, creepy, synthy and weird at times as well. It's easily one of The Goblins' best work and is extremely memorable.

The cinematography by Luigi Kuveiller is superb as well (lots of sweeping, zooming tracking shots. The abandoned "haunted" mansion set is gorgeous too). The directing by Argento is masterful. There is not as much goofiness as there is in other Italian horror films, and Deep Red takes itself fairly seriously while still finding time to show its audience a good time. There are some gorgeous visuals, good blood/gore effects and nice kills, but the focus here is more-so on suspense and story.

This film does suffer from a bit of sexism (Though it is an important attribute of our protagonist, and the film doesn't seem to side with him on his views) and an abrupt ending, but overall it's still a fantastic, fun, engrossing watch. Deep Red likely influenced Halloween and Dressed To Kill (In turn, Deep Red was likely influenced by the works of Alfred Hitchcock. It has a Columbo-esque vibe a good deal of the time, and it also features one of the creepiest doll scenes in film). It's an important, entertaining, and super-memorable film that should be a part of every horror fans must-see list.

5 STARS

BOB TAKES A DIARRHEA DUMP ON THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY

 In The House By The Cemetery, after a colleague is murdered, Dr. Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco), moves him and his family (His wife, Lucy Boyle, portrayed by Katherine MacColl and his son, Bob, portrayed by Giovanni Frezza) into the house his colleague was studying so he can finish the research. It isn't long before spooky goings-ons occur and the family find their lives in immediate danger.

The House By The Cemetery is a cult film. It's considered part of The Gates of Hell trilogy, though it isn't about the gates of Hell in any way. The film is a mixture of the haunted house genre, the slasher genre, and has some elements of The Shining. The gore/blood effects are good, and the house at the center of the film is super-cool (Honestly, I wouldn't mind staying in the house for a week or so). The house is implied to have a mysterious backstory, but we never learn it or the history of the Freudsteins (the monsters stalking the house). The design for Dr. Freudstein is very cool, but looks kind of fake.

Catriona MacColl and Paolo Malco act as our adult leads, and they are fine. Their plots are interesting enough, and it's MacColl's presence that is the only connection to the previous films in the trilogy. Ania Pieroni is gorgeous as Ann, but is given nothing to do.

Unfortunately, the nail in the coffin for this film is the character of Bob (Giovanni Frezza). Fucking Bob! He's a telepathic kid that acts as the central character for the film. His dubbing is ear-bleedingly bad (It's like puberty hit the kid hard. He sounds like the child from Vivarium), his dialogue is awful, and he's altogether useless. Bob is easily one of the worst child characters I've seen in a film (You know it's bad when I'm actively rooting for the little shit to bite it in the goriest way possible). House also has a 2nd annoying telepathic kid character: Mae, as played by Silvia Collatina.

Is House By The Cemetery worth a stay? I'd say not really, it's certainly super disappointing when you compare it to The Beyond and The City of The Living Dead. House By The Cemetery isn't awful...it also isn't really good either. As is, it's only a little better than ok. Cut out the Bob character, and the film would have been exponentially better.

2.5 STARS

THE BLACK CAT IS AN UNDERRATED GEM FROM LUCIO FULCI

 A Black Cat is stalking around a small Italian village, causing numerous deaths. A weird psychic (Patrick Magee) might be involved in some way as well. An American journalist (Mimsy Farmer) visiting the village catches wind of the murders and decides to investigate along with a Scotland Yard detective (David Warbeck).

Lucio Fulci is an insane genius. Imagine if someone took heavy amounts of mind-altering substances and then decided to adapt Edgar Allen Poe's The Black Cat. This is essentially what you would get. The film is delightfully bonkers. Surprisingly, it gets most of the beats of Poe's story correct while stull finding enough space to add in some madness.

Patrick Magee is the best actor here. He is completely magnetic and creepy, just his mere presence is enough to captivate you. The gothic mansion he lives in and the cellar underneath are gorgeous and feel like they have been ripped right out of Poe's imagination. There's not as much visual style, or blood and gore. Instead, this film is completely committed to making you feel like someone slipped a drug into your cocktail. When the full details of the plot emerge, it's hard not to feel like you've gone a little crazy yourself (in a good way).

The Black Cat is easily one of Fulci's most insane, wacked-out films. It's also one of his best.

 4 STARS

DARIO ARGENTO FIRST TAKES FLIGHT WITH THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE

 Sam Dalmas (Tony Musante), a struggling American writer visiting Italy happens to witness an assault on a woman. She survives, but he's pulled into the investigation by the police, who confiscate his passport so he won't be able to flee. It isn't long before he's become obsessed with finding the killer, bringing his/her wrath on both him and his Italian girlfriend Julia (Suzy Kendall).

Dario Argento's directorial debut remains one of his best works. It establishes themes he would continue to explore with Deep Reed (or Profondo Rosso). Plumage is definitely expertly directed, and Argento plays with camerawork a good deal here (with assistance from cinematographer Vitorrio Storaro). This film plays host to some of Argebto's most memorable scenes including an elevator death (where the killer slashes out at the audience ala Psycho. Argento was most clearly influenced by Hitchcock in his early work), and one where someone falls to their death, among others. The score by master Ennio Morricone is sweet as well, managing to be pretty creepy and establishing the tone for the film throughout.

The mystery here is intriguing, and you can't help but feel yourself pulled deeper into the intrigue and mystique along with our protagonist. That said, the plot does stretch believability at times. I didn't buy Sam's obsession with the crime, and it's hard to believe that the police would encourage a layman to play detective. There is also a surprising lack of blood or gore, as the focus is purely on building suspense and mystery, and messing a little bit with audience's minds. This film takes itself pretty seriously, despite some unintended silliness here and there. Plumage also looks consistently pretty, and it's hard not to find yourself falling under it's spell.

In the end, while I can't say that The Bird With The Crystal Plumage is the best giallo or even Argento's best work, it is still a very memorable, fun, and freaky film.

4.5 STARS

PHANTASM 3: LORD OF THE DEAD IS DOA

Mike and Reggie's quest to vanquish the Tall Man hits a snag when Mike is kidnapped by The Tall Man and Reggie is left to give chase. Along the way, he encounters some of the most annoying and insufferable supporting characters to ever assault your eyeballs.

This film sucks. Reggie (Reggie Bannister) and Mike (A. Michael Baldwin) aren't bad-asses anymore, and more often than not are caught with their pants down. the nun-chuck wielding Rocky (Gloria Lynne Henry, who can't act her way out of a paper bag) and sharpshooter Tim (Kevin Connors, who is an annoying kid that the film basically tries to turn into the new Mike) are pretty bad as new members of Mike and Reggie's team. There's also a gang of thieves that are insufferable and act as secondary antagonists for our group. The film does Reggie a disservice by making him incompetent and constantly in the mood for love (He's always trying to bang Rocky, and it's pretty embarrassing for him).

It's nice to have A. Michael Baldwin and Bill Thornbury reprise their roles as Mike and Jody, respectively. Unfortunately, they aren't in the film much (for one, Jody spends pretty much the entirety of the film trapped inside one of The Tall Man's balls), and both are given little to do. Surprisingly, Bill Thornbury is the coolest one here.

Angus Scrimm is back once again as The Tall Man, and he does a significantly better job than he did in Phantasm 2. He gets to say "BOY!" again, and is imposing and freaky. The film does go for a more odd, surreal tone (with plenty of nice, creepy, surreal visuals) that is closer to the original Phantasm.

Unfortunately, the ending feels very slapdash. Phantasm 3 doesn't really feel like it had an end destination in mind, and comes across as uninspired for the most part (despite an explanation for the dwarves, the balls, and The Tall Man that makes some sense).

In the end, Phantasm 3 is an enormous disappointment that wastes it's talented returning cast and the good will the series had built up till now. I'm going to have to say this one is a hard skip.

1.5 STARS

LET'S RE-VISIT JENNIFER'S BODY

Jennifer's Body follows Jennifer; a smokin hot cheer captain type; and her semi-nerdy BFF (or as they call themselves "Biffs") Needy (Amanda Seyfried). After a particularly crazy night at a bar, Jennifer is abducted by a hot boy band. A few hours later, she shows back up at Needy's house covered in blood. It isn't long after that that Jennifer begins her new diet consisting of unsuspecting teenaged boys.

Jennifer's Body is entertaining, but not all that good. Jennifer's Body is a film that sells itself as edgy, sexy, cool, stylistic, and funny. While it has each of those elements to different degrees, it doesn't fully succeed at any of them (Plus the final demon bite twist is pure and total insulting horse shit that comes across as lazy). 

It's definitely more funny than it is anything else, although some of the jokes fall flat (especially the tampon joke that sucks all the air out of an otherwise cool moment). The worst things about Jennifer's Body is that it's not as sexy and bloody/gory as it could be (which is very frustrating). We get plenty of Megan Fox in hot clothing, and there is some bloodshed, but it's just not enough for any die hard horror hound (easily the bloodiest/goriest scene is Jennifer reaching into one of her victim's corpses and pooling his blood into her mouth. We never really get to see her rip into a boy, the closest we get is an extended shadow shot/scene). 

Megan Fox fits the role of Jennifer well enough. Amanda Seyfried is great as Needy, our lead. Johnny Simmons is great as well and quite likable as Needy's boyfriend Chip. They make for a cute couple. The film focuses on the relationship between Needy and Jennifer, and their growing rivalry. It approaches it realistically, which is nice. Adam Brody steals the few scenes he's in as the leader of an evil indie boy band.

In the end, Jennifer's Body is a film that desperately wants to be a cool, edgy, sexy, stylistic, humorous horror film but it tries too hard in some areas  and doesn't try hard enough in others. It's a fun, entertaining flick that could have been/should have been great, but it doesn't leave much of a mark in the end. To steal a line from my earlier review: It's basically Juno in a Halloween costume (I will say it's definitely better than Juno though).

2 STARS

PHANTASM 2'S GOT BALLS

 Ok folks, time for an announcement. This year, I will be reviewing ALL of the Phantasm sequels, and deciding if any are worth your time. Seeing it's October first, I figured why not start the month off right with the first installment of my Phantasm sequel series.

In Phantasm 2, a 19 year old Mike (now played  by James LeGros, who is around 26 years old and looks it) is released from a psychiatric hospital, and not a moment too soon as The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) has been ravaging small towns across the U.S. . Mike teams back up with his old pal Reggie (Reggie Bannister), and armed with some homemade weapons, they set out to hunt down The Tall Man and his minions. Along for the ride are Liz (Paula Irvine), whose hometown is the target of The Tall Man's next killing spree, and the sizzling hot Alchemy (Samantha Phillips), a hitchhiker whom Mike and Reggie pick up on their quest.

James LeGros takes a little getting used to as Mike (He doesn't look quite right for the role imo), but ultimately makes for an acceptable replacement. Reggie Bannister is as cool and charismatic as ever. Both of our leads have great chemistry and come across as total bad-asses.  Their weapons of choice are pretty nifty and include a hand-crafted flamethrower and a cobbled together 4 barrel shotgun (FUCK YEAH! It's nice to see our heroes take a more proactive approach this time around). 

This film was clearly made on a higher budget, and it shows. The effects are of a higher quality. Some of the practical/creature effects are impressive and gross, though they don't exactly feel like something you would find in a Phantasm film (Maybe more like what you would find in a Nightmare on Elm Street film). The score isn't quite as good as the first Phantasm's, but still works for this sequel. There is also some comedy in this outing, and there are a few nut shots thrown in.

There is more of a focus on action in this one. There are two explosions within the first 20 minutes of the flick, and most of the film centers around Mike and Reggie's efforts to track down the Tall Man. Don Coscarelli returns to write and direct, and does a bang-up job once again. There are some surreal images here, but for the most part the dream-like atmosphere the first film had is gone. This didn't bother me, but I could see how it might be a turnoff for some.

There are some new things added in the sequel. For starters, Mike now has new telepathic powers that both The Tall Man and Liz use to communicate with him. It's an odd choice that doesn't really feel like it belongs here. It honestly feels like something pulled out of Friday The 13th Part 7: The New Blood. 

The balls make a return here, and are given some nifty new tricks as well as a secondary purpose that feels a little odd. The Tall Man also receives some new henchmen. He gets some creepy new tall assistants (that kind of look like the butlers at The Haunted Mansion). There are also some "Gravers"  (who wear gasmasks, pretty cool design) who exist solely to dig the corpses out of their graves and deliver them to the mortuary. 

The Tall Man has more lines in this outing, but they aren't as memorable and he isn't as imposing or as intimidating. He's still a good villain though.  Liz is pretty cute, but it's Alchemy who steals some scenes with her cool name and smoking hot bod. She shares a romance with Reggie (Who is more than a little old for her, but whatever), and the sex scene they share together is pretty cool (Alchemy definitely needs to be tamed).The ending this time around is neat, but the final twist doesn't feel right and comes across as something Coscarelli threw in only because the first film had a final twist too. 

In the end, Phantasm 2 is the rare sequel that is just about as good/great as the original was...just in different ways. If you love 80s horror films or some bad-ass action (and some good comedy), you'll be sure to enjoy this 2nd outing. Phantasm 2 successfully continues the story of Mike, Reggie, and The Tall Man. It's certainly not perfect, but it is a ton of no-holds-barred fun!  Check it out!

4 STARS