BEETLE'S 2ND ANNUAL FRIGHT FEST: TRANSYLMANIA

This year I decided to start my Fright Fest out with a different kind of film. Imagine if someone had the idea to blend one of the straight to dvd american pie films with a vampire film? Well, the Frankenstein of a creation you would end up with is Transylmania.

Transylmania follows the comedic sex-ploits of a group of college students that decide to attend a semester or so at a Transylvanian college located inside a castle. When one of them inadvertently discovers an ancient music box containing the soul of a vampire, the whole group is placed in great danger.

That's pretty much it to the plot. The first half of the film is nothing but sex jokes and focuses on the students getting acclimated to their new school. This part is exceedingly dull and painfully unfunny (but what do you expect from the geniuses that brought us Dorm Daze 1 and 2). The sex jokes feel very forced and aren't funny in the slightest. During this portion I had to struggle with the urge to turn off this film, I'm glad I was able to resist because the 2nd half of the film is where Transylmania more or less begins to pick up.

The 2nd half of the film is where chaos begins to ensue, and the sex jokes begin to disappear. This is where everything starts to come together and where the build up to the climax begins. A female student opens the music box and is possessed with the spirit of the vampire, this wakes up the vampire's lover who commences a hunt to reunite with her, a vampire slayer mistakes one of the students for another vampire slayer and teams up with him to fight off the undead hordes, and another student bears a striking resemblence to the main vampire (I'm sure this won't come into play in any way....SARCASM). There are a few surprisingly funny bits in the 2nd half of the film, and it is here that Transylmania begins to actually resemble something FUN (I know, surprising, right?) The climax that everything is leading up to is incredibly zany to an insane degree, but I like that.

The acting seen in Transylmania is never anything noteworthy. The few college leads do a good enough job, fulfilling what is required of them (which is the bare minimum), and the script is seldomly clever enough to warrant attention. With that said though, I must say that I slowly found myself beginning to enjoy the film despite it's coffin sized flaws.

So if you enjoy the vampire genre or the straight to DVD American Pie sequels I suppose that there is a chance you could enjoy Transylmania. It's definitely NOT a film for everyone, it's filled with unfunny sex jokes and just about every character cliche in the book. Transylmania is really not a good film, but I enjoyed it for what it was: an attempt at mixing two very different genres, and while the result is less successful than either genre alone, Transylmania still manages to have fun with the proceedings. The only question is: Will most viewers find Transylmania fun too? I say give it a try, what's the worst that can happen?

1.5/5 STARS

MOVIES I LOVE: THE KING IS BACK IN THEATERS- LION KING 3D

Lion King was released on June 15, 1994. I was just 3 years old, yet I clearly remember some of that theatrical experience. It's amazing what you find you remember. I always thought most of my 3 year old life would be lost forever, yet some memories are still as clear as ever.

I feel silly going over this films plot, because I think I can safely assume that most of us have seen this animated classic. Lion King is about young Simba, a king to be who witnesses his dad's death and flees for the hills due to the false belief that the death was his fault. In reality, it was his evil uncle Scar's doing and with Simba gone Scar is free to usurp the throne and bring forth some pretty dark days to Pride Rock, Simba's home. Only Simba can put an end to Scar's madness, but is he ready to face down his past?

Lion King is one of the films in what is regarded as Disney's New Golden Age: Some other films from this period include Beauty and The Beast, Aladdin, and The Little Mermaid. Lion King seems to be heavily influenced by some notable Shakespearean works, mainly Hamlet. The film appears to acknowledge this since Timon comments during one scene: "What's in a name?", a famous line from the Shakespearean classic Romeo and Juliet.

While I have seen this film numerous times, never before did I realize how nuanced the film can be at times. Like the scene where Simba accidentally steps in one of his dad's paw prints and realizes how much bigger it is than his. Without saying one word, this shot perfectly conveys to the audience that Simba still has much to learn if he is going to be as great as his dad. Another chilling scene is when Scar is urged to move the pride (a pack of lions) to a new area since they had greatly depleted their resources and food. In response, Scar says something that is eerily similar to one of Simba's previous lines : "I'm The King, I can do whatever I want". Does this imply that Simba could have ended up being a king as bad as Scar was? The lion king is full of little messages and nuances such as these, and the film's all the more brilliant for this.

This release of Lion King features one fairly big change to the film, as its title imply's The Lion King has indeed been given a 3D makeover. Now, I know this probably upsets most fans of the film, and for good reason, 3D is an art form that is often mishandled, and with a film like Lion King the results could have been disastrous. Luckily, I am happy to report that there is no need to grab your torch and pitchfork, The Lion King's 3D post-conversion is one of the best that I've seen.

From the first scene of Zazu's flying over the crowd of animals gathering around Pride Rock a small flame of hope ignites, maybe this won't be so bad after all. You'd be right. While most people think of things popping out of the screen when they think of 3D, what most forget is that 3D is also capable of producing a good deal of depth to a film. While Lion King does try to have a few things pop out of the screen (Mainly dust, debris, smoke, fog, character's faces, and in one scene Scar), there's not much there that the 3D team can work with, and instead of trying to force this aspect of the 3D technology they instead chose (very wisely if I must say s myself) to focus on adding depth to the film.

A good deal of depth has been added to each location found in the film. From Timon and Pumba's jungle paradise, to Pride Rock, to The Savannah, to The Elephant Graveyard, just to name a few. The extra dimension of depth brings the film to life in ways you could never imagine. A side effect of the added depth is that the beautiful backgrounds of the film just pop out at you, never before had I realized how fantastic these backdrops were, it's a truly jaw-dropping effect.

There are several scenes where the 3D really shines through; these include (but aren't limited to) I Just Can't Wait to Be King (The zany multi-colored glamour of this musical number made it a perfect fit for the 3D tech), Be Prepared (The bursting green and red steam with Scar sleeking through it, Scar towering over the goose stepping hyenas, and Scar's final ascent to the top of the mountain are fantastic), The scene where Mufasa appears in the sky (wow, just wow),The scene where Timon, Pumba, and Simba are staring up at the night sky (great, amazing depth here), Every scene in Timon and Pumba's jungle is breath-takingly beautiful, and the final fight between Simba and Scar (From their first tension filled confrontation to the final stand-off is superb, the fire below them and the red hues to the scene really make it a treat to watch). There is also some unexpected sense of movement in the film due to the 3D and the fast zoom in shots work surprisingly well with the new tech.

While my eyes were a bit red by the end of the film, I still say that it's definitely worth the money to see this beauty in 3D. You can tell that the 3D team put a good amount of planning, work, and effort into making the 3D the best it possibly could be. Even though the Lion King was not made with 3D in mind, the new tech fits surprisingly well into the film. Was it necessary to add in the 3D? NO. Does it work perfectly with the film nonetheless? YES!!!

For me, The Lion King 3D is the most emotionally satisfying 3D film I have seen in a while. It was a real treat to get to see Lion king in theaters for a 2nd time, and to relive those emotions I must have felt when I first viewed it so long ago. It's obvious that the 3D team went into their project with a great deal of care and respect for the original film, and that's why it works so well. So if you're looking for a good, fun, nostalgic time in theaters I highly suggest you run out and see Lion King in 3D (It's leaving theatres super soon, The 3D Blu-Ray hits shelves on Oct. 4. So if you still want to see it in theaters you'd better run out to see it sometime this week), just don't be surprised if you shed a few tears during the film (Don't worry,It means you're human).

5/5 BETTER THAN SEX

BEETLE SUMMONS THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT FOR HIS ANNUAL FRIGHTFEST

Last night a cold breeze blew in and I remembered.....It was the first of October.

Yes, the haunting season has officially begun. This is the time of year where fear rules over all and his monstrous minions do his evil bidding. From werewolves, to zombies, to demons, to vampires, to ghosts. The human race is in for a surprise this Halloween, for on the 31st of every year the collected forces of the night will be unleashed unto this unsuspecting Earth for one night only. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I, your humble ghost host with the most most, will be your guide on this frightful and horrific journey. I will be reviewing various scary movies during October and will lead you down the path of screams that leads to Halloween.

So, grab your popcorn and a crucifix, Beetle's 2nd annual FrightFest is about to begin.

BEETLE REVIEWS ONE OF THE WORST FILMS OF ALL TIME- THE ROOM

Let me start out by saying that The Room is one film I feel every reviewer MUST review. It's not an easy task, believe you me...but it's SO worth it.

I'm sure that by now most of you have heard of The Room, an independent film written, produced, directed, and starring that most unforgettable of actors, the amazing Tommy Wiseau. Shortly after its release (I don't think it ever made it to theaters to be honest, but I'm not sure) The Room quickly grew well known as one of the worst films ever made. Of course, with me being the intrepid reviewer that I am I could not resist a film that is regarded as such, so I set out to strap myself to the seat and watch The Room .

The Room is about Johnny (played by Tommy Wiseau), a kind, naive banker whose sluttish wife to be, Lisa, is having an affair with his best friend, Mark, behind his back. That's pretty much it for the plot folks, not that that really matters much. People don't watch The Room for the plot, they watch it for the acting witnessed within (I'll get to that later).

While Johnny is the main character there are plenty of side characters that pop up, from the creepy kid pervert, to the mom who just found out she's got breast cancer (a throwaway detail that is never brought up again in the film, watch for her reaction to her discovery of this disease), to Johnny's clueless best friend. They honestly don't add anything to the plot, and are just there...because. It comes across like Tommy Wiseau got a bunch of his friends together to act in this film, even though none have any believable chemistry with each other (Even Johnny and Lisa lack chemistry, to get the point across that they are in love Wiseau throws in several explicit sex scenes between them that feel unneeded and only add excess to the film. In fact there are a total of 3 sex scenes within the first 26 minutes of the film, a world record.) We never really care about any of these characters. Lisa spends the majority of the film sleeping with Johnny and Johnny's best friend, and then complaining to her mother that she doesn't love Johnny and blah blah blah. The creepy kid pervert, named Denny, spends most of the film giving Lisa creepy looks and saying unintentionally inappropriate lines. The Mother is a nagging, complaining, bitchy shrew. While Wiseau does try pretty hard to make the character of Johnny likeable, it only half works, we can see he is a good man but we just can't commit ourselves to care about him (Wiseau's performance doesn't help matters either)

The script is one of the worst ones sampled (It's all exposition, we are told EVERYTHING), and the acting is atrocious. the assembled cast have ZERO acting ability (I did some research and it ends up they were indeed just actors, most seem to have only negative things to say about their time spent filming The Room) , the worst actor in the bunch being the almighty Wiseau himself. This is why people watch The Room, the script is so terrible and the acting so bad that it's impossible not to enjoy this bad film. Wiseau is the Jesus Christ of bad acting, every line he speaks is terribly acted out, his emphsis being put on the wrong words. Bask in his glow people, it's a rare treat to be able to see the ultimate low in acting ability, but believe me, it's here in The Room.

The whole film feels thrown together. There are scenes that lead to nowhere, there are subplots and details that are brought up and dropped almost immeadietly after they are introduced (The mother's breast cancer is one example, Denny's owing some dough to a drug dealer is another one). Character's lack arcs, constantly contradict themselves and lack motivation or reasoning for doing what they do in the film, none of them resemble a real human being in the slightest.Another perplexing part of the film is that every guy in the film seems to be obsessed with playing Football, I can't quite understand why Wiseau did this but it comes across as quite bizarre and unintentionally hilarious.

Wiseau is actually trying to convey some sort of message about his life in The Room. Apparently he's been screwed over by women, and the moral of The Room seems to be: Don't trust women becuase they are dirty whores. Not a good message, but it does hold some truth to it (some women are bad, but none are nowhere near as bad as Lisa.) Wiseau tries to convey this message throughout his film, and while he does stumble with it, we still understand what he's trying so hard to say. Wiseau also comes across as a bit egocentric in the film, thinking that everyone should love him and care about him even though we all know that's not how the real world is. In The Room we essentially get a peek into the inner workings of Wiseau's mind and his flawed understanding and perception of the world, it's almost fascinating.

The Room is every bit as bad as people are claiming it to be. It's a drama that is unintentionally hilarious. I was surprised to find myself thoroughly enjoying The Room despite how bad it was, laughing at just about every scene. It's really hard not to like The Room and while it is one of the worst films I have ever seen, I want to recommend it to everyone I know, the combination of "so bad it's funny" acting, pointless scenes, unrealistic characters, terrible dialogue (so bad it's memorable), and the standout performance of Wiseau makes The Room a fun, unforgettable experiment in the art of bad filmmaking.

1/5 Stars

The Room gets 1 star becuase it is a terrible film, but I still strongly urge everyone to view this baby at least once, trust me...you'll be glad you did.

And on a seperate note, Wiseau has been known to take down any review he finds of The Room. Let's see how long mine stays up here.

BEETLE DISCOVERS THE BEST SHOW ON TV: DEATH VALLEY

Werewolves, and Zombies, and Vampires...OH MY!!!

It was by pure coincidence (and luck) that I happened to stumble across the best show on television right now. My friend Grumpy had been referred to the show by one of the people who worked at our local GameStop. Since I am his friend he gave me a ring and we sat down to give it a cautious glance (after all, TV ain't what it used to be kids!). Now, after watching four episodes I can safely say that I am hooked on this delightfully original (AND FUN!) throwback to B cinema style.

Death Valley takes place in San Fernando Valley, which has recently become host to a bevy of supernatural creatures. In response to this new threat a new task force dubbed the UTF (Undead Task Force) is created. The show plays like a Cops style documentary that follows both the UTF and the camera crew that follows them around catching all of the action on tape.

Included in the show are a cast of comical characters: there's Officer Joe Stubeck (Charlie Sanders), the "nice guy", Officer Billy Pierce (Bryce Johnson), the funny guy and easily my favorite character on the show, Officer Kirsten Landry (Caity Lotz), the ass-kicking female, Officer Carla Rinaldi, another female cop who is pretty well-rounded, Officer John "John-John" Johnson (Texas Battle), a cop who is always ready to kick some ass, and there's Capt. Frank Dashell (Bryan Callen), the goofy head of the UTF. Together they must put their differences aside if their going to keep their city safe.

It's a fairly straight-forward premise, but it offers hours of gory ass-kicking fun. Death Valley perfectly captures the B movie spirit with some great humor, awesome one liners, kick-ass action scenes, and enough gore to satisfy the blood thirsty. Its not very often we get such a great B style "horror/comedy" show on television, so this is a super rare treat for me. I highly recommend Death Valley to anyone who is looking for a genuine good monster-bashing time. It's the perfect show to watch during the Halloween season (which just so happens to be creeping up on us as we speak).

Death Valley airs on Mondays at 10:30 on MTV.

DRIVE IS AN EXERCISE IN SILENCE

The best kind of film is one that stays with you long after the screen fades to black. It imprints itself on your brain and refuses to be forgotten. Drive is one of these films.

I refuse to review this movie, I refuse to talk about its simplistic yet complex plot. I refuse to review it because it's a film that is not made to be reviewed, it's not made to be assigned a number, it's made to experienced. I am still digesting it, trying to make sense of what it all means. How does it's title fit into the bigger picture?

Drive is a new kind of film, unlike anything I have ever seen before. It's got long moments of silence where tension builds and builds until the silence explodes into startlingly brutal sequences of violence and action. It's also got lots of beautiful shots of LA at night. It's a quiet, tense, super-artful, colorful, violent film. I've even created a name for the kind of film Drive is: I call it Neon. The whole feel and look of the film just screamed that word to me (the whole film plays like a slow neon dream).

Ryan Gosling is great as the leading character that is only referred to as The Kid or Driver (even though I kind of took to calling him Billy. Billy the Kid). He drives for a living. During the day he is a stunt car driver, during the night he is a getaway driver. He is a man of few words, and he's almost emotionless. He doesn't cry, or scream....but behind his stoic facade you can sense the rage and sadness bubbling up inside him at certain points throughout the film. When he does explode into brutal violence it's both terrifying and thrilling in all the right ways. We want to cheer him on even though his actions are almost monstrous at times.

Drive also has superb performances by Bryan Cranston as the Fagin-esque Shannon, The Kid's father figure of sorts that owns a car garage where The Kid is employed, Albert Brooks as Bernie, an all too charming reluctant villain, and Ron Pearlman as a foul mouthed gangster named Nino. I also have to mention Carey Mulligan as the quiet, troubled girl next door Irene. There are a few other cool surprise appearances by a few others but I won't mention them here.

Drive reminded me of The Godfather. Alot of scenes just screamed the style found in that film and some of the themes in drive are similar to themes found in Godfather. Take Arthouse film making, mix in some 80s feel, add in a touch of explosive violence, and top it off with some of the old style of film making as well and you've got Drive: One helluva different film. It was made to defy your expectations, so the best way to walk in is with no expectations at all.

I didn't love it, but I really really liked the fuck out of it.

BEETLE LOSES HIS COOL IN SHARK NIGHT 3D

Why, oh why did I decide to see this terrible, stupid, worthless film??!!!! Was it out of a sense of fairness? Was it out of some stupid hope that it could end up being a good film? Was it because I was bored and had nothing else better to do (ya, it was probably this one)? Either way, through some bizarre twist of fate, my butt ended up in a seat for this film, and oh how I wish it hadn't.

Shark Night 3D is about some college friends that decide to vacation on a saltwater lake/marsh and slowly get chomped up by a bunch of Jaws wannabes. That's it for the plot. The film also explains how the sharks got in the water in the first place. Ends up some rednecks and the local sheriff dumped some sharks into the lake, attached some video cameras to them in an attempt to catch some neat kill footage (Their big fans of shark week...and how do the sharks survive in a lake??? As I said above, it's a saltwater lake).

Ok, let's get to the nitty gritty here, the sooner I finish this review the sooner I don't have to think about this film ever again. Right from the first trailer I could tell that Shark Night was going to be a Piranha 3D rip off. From the footage I was expecting Shark night to nab an R rating, not so lucky because Shark night swam away with the all too unfortunate PG-13 rating. The result is that the film is pretty lacking of all the things a good B horror film needs: Tits ( there are a few scenes where characters strip down to bathing suits/bikinis to show off their goods, but even these feel forced. We do get a bare guy ass, but that pissed me off. So it's ok to show a bare guy ass, but a bare girl ass is stepping over the line?? Fuck you film), ass, gore, and creative kills. We barely get to see any kills, usually only getting a shot of a teen falling into the water....sometimes we get sharks flying out of the water, but those times are few and far between. There is basically ZERO gore as well. Mix all that into the most flippin cliched characters you will ever see in your life, a horrendously bad script, and awful awful 3D (I pretty much chose to keep my glasses off because I could easily make out what was going on on screen, laziest cash grab of the technology I've seen so far).

Shark Night is the only film I have ever continually checked my watch in, and the only film I have ever walked out of (and I NEVER walk out of films). From viewing the film, it became obvious to me that the creators of Shark Night had no respect for the audience, the actors, or the 3D technology. They wanted to cash in on all the teens that couldn't go and see Piranha 3D, so they haphazardly threw Shark Night together and marketed it as if it was the next Piranha 3D, knowing full well droves of clueless teens would flock to it.

Shark Night is a truly terrible,piece of shit film. It raped my eyeballs and stole a good hr and 25 mins of my life that I will NEVER get back. If I had my way everyone involved with this film would burned at the stake and then paraded around town to be made an example of. The things I do for you guys, I took a bullet for every single person that reads this review, so that you don't have to see it. Now I can warn EVERYONE to not just see this film...but boycott it. Tell your friends, tell your family...warn everyone NOT to see this film.

Quite simply: SHARK NIGHT BITES!

.5/5- FUCK YOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!