Life as I know it

Hey peeps. Happy BeLATEd Summer!! Well, since this is my last summer before I go off to College I've decided to make the most of it (don't worry, I'll continue to upkeep my blog while I'm away). Currently I'm going to be in a production of HSM2 ON STAGE!!! Unfortunately the instructors are a wii bit unprofessional, seems like they are in over their heads...but whatever. I am also lucky enough to have found a girl that seems to be interested in me as well ( fingers crossed). So, minus a few college speedbumps, my life is pretty swell right now. This Friday I'm trying to get a group together to see Bruno. If It works out well, I'll have my review up around Sat. or Sun.

So thats all for the first installment of Life as I know it.

BEETLE'S IN-DEPTH REVIEW OF TRANSFORMERS 2: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

How do you ruin a Transformers film?? All you need for it to succeed is action, somewhat of a plot, hot girls in arousing positions and some humor. How could anyone fuck this up?? Well, it is with great displeasure that I present to you Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

The first problem with the film is that it takes itself too seriously and the plot is overly complex. Basically the co-ordinates to an alternate energy source has been implanted into Sams mind by a fragment of the All-Spark that he discovered while packing for college. The remaining Decepticons find this out and and an all-out manhunt for Sam begins. It seems like every Decepticon in the universe is shipped out to Earth to find Sam. there is actually a part, i kid you not, when their able to take control of every entertainment outlet on Earth and threaten us with global destruction if the humans do not hand Sam over. It sounds horrible on paper but seeing it on the big screen makes it that much worse. The whole film was one big joke mixed with overly long action sequences. The only good parts of the film was when Mikeala leans over a bike and every time Alice ( a new girl at Sams college) appears on screen. Altogether this makes up maybe 20 minutes. Every other single second in this film was painful to watch.
What was so horrible you ask??

1. Sam Witwicky!! In this film he is a whiny little bitch. He runs, shits his pants, and screams for Bumblebee or Optimus every time he is cornered by a Decepticon. I wanted to bitch-slap him so fuckin hard.

2. The script. It was one horrible, cliched line after the next. "I'm just a normal kid with normal problems." "When I rise, you fall." It was groanworthy. I actually facepalmed several times throughout this film and the lines they give to the Autobots and decepticons are simply unforgiveably bad...things you'd never expect to hear out of a robots mouth. "Punk-Ass Decepticon."

3. The jokes. They weren't all that funny. it didn't help that there was one every 5 seconds ( No kidding) and each one was about sex or some other immature thing.

4. The 2 new Gangsta Autobots: Mudflap and Skids. They curse, use slang, and constantly mock the main characters. I'm pretty sure every other word out of their mouhs was pussy. Every time they came on screen my reaction was: what the F are these two even DOING in this film??

5. Sams Parents. Their given too much screen time and their lines are HORRIBLE. They just spit out unfunny jokes constantly. They took two of the funniest characters from the first film and just DESTROYED them.

6. The length. The film was WAY too long. For a 2 hour+ film it was incredibly fast-paced but the minutes seemed to go on forever. By the last 45 minutes or so of the film I was like " O.K., someone needs to put me out of my misery or this film needs to end NOW!!" There's nothing worse than wishing for a film to be over but knowing you still have a ways to go. Talk about torture.

7. The action sequences. At first they were pretty cool, but after about 35 minutes they get old fast. I found myself beginning to nod off whenever one of these came on the screen. They were also way too long.

8. The Plot. It's way too complex for a transformers film.

9. There was not enough Alice or Mikeala in the film. I felt that Alice at least deserved somewhat of a backstory.
This is only the tip of the iceberg folks.

To me the film represented the ultimate dumbing down of the American audiences. So now we're expected to laugh at every sex themed joke or sight gag even if they are truly unfunny and whip by every 5 seconds?? We're suppossed to cheer on cliched, unlikeable characters?? We're suppossed to drool over long, over-glossed action sequences that add up to nothing more than a fast blur of moving objects on screen?? I was probably the only one in my theatre that wasn't laughing insanely or drooling over the action sequences. True, i did clutch my seat tighter whenever the incredibly hot Alice or luscious Mikeala came on screen, but i'm young (18) so sue me.

This is what happens when execs, egos, and corporations are given free reign over a film and all fight for control. The whole film was a big ugly mess. I don't blame the actors for bashing this film, they deserve to complain. THIS FILM WAS SHIT! A worthless, pile of shiny shit and metal parts that you get tired of looking at after about 30 minutes.

The first film was frickin beautiful!! It found the right mix of Action, SFX, and humor. It was damned near perfect. I've never seen a film so effectivly wipe out every good memory that the first film gave me, but this one did exactly that. Words cannot describe my hatred of this film...it angered me so. I guarentee you that these bastards will come out with a 3rd Transformers film, but I won't be buying tickets to it. This film has erased all my excitement I've felt for the Transformers franchise.

If you think I'm being a bit harsh then I suggest you go out and buy tickets to Transformers 2 and then tell me if you agree or not...I'd love to hear your opinions.

As Roger Ebert would say: "I HATED THIS FILM!!! I HATED HATED HATED HATED HATED THIS FILM!!!

Fuck you - .5 stars (half a star)