CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY THE SANTA CLAUSE IS A CHRISTMAS CLASSIC?

In The Santa Clause, lawyer Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) has gone through a rough divorce and still harbors some ill will towards his ex-wife Laura (Wendy Crewson) and her new husband Neil (Judge Reinhold, who plays a psychiatrist...a fact that the film constantly pokes fun at). For Christmas, Scott's son Charlie (Eric Lloyd, who is ok here) is spending the night with him. 

When Scott mistakes mistakes Santa for a robber, he inadvertently sends Santa tumbling off his roof, killing him (though from the looks of it, the fall really shouldn't have killed him. Maybe give him a concussion, some sprains, some broken bones....but likely not death). Scott reluctantly puts on Santa's suit to please Charlie, and soon enough finds himself thrust forcibly into the role of Santa Claus. He'll have to adapt, adjust, and learn to love his new persona unless he wants to disappoint all the kids on Earth. 

Oh boy, this one hurt. It's bad, really bad. The production team behind the film is terrible, with John Pasquin directing (he also directed Jungle 2 Jungle, Miss Congeniality 2, and the entire second season of Roseanne) and Steve Rudnick and Leo Benvenuti writing (both also wrote Space Jam). This is a film that is incredibly not funny (though it does try), and mostly lacks magic (I will say the very few North Pole segments are okay). Most of the proceedings are about divorce and child visitation rights. It just doesn't feel like a Christmas film, and Tim Allen makes for a weak Santa (He's just weak overall in this film). Judge Reinhold and Wendy Crewson as the parents of Charlie,  are completely unlikable dicks, though Wendy does come across a little sympathetic. 

The Santa Clause (which is so named because of a literal clause in the Santa contract, one of the few somewhat clever bits) feels like it's supposed to be this redemptive story for the Scott Calvin character, but he's quickly established to not be a terrible guy (he steadfastly defends his son's right to believe in the fat man). He works hard at his job, but it doesn't feel like he is ultra-dedicated to it. He also seems to care about his son, and wants to spend time with him (even if he is struggling to be a proper father). Sure, his demeanor can be a little gruff at times, but if anything, It's the ex-wife and Judge Reinhold who need redeeming most.  

Most of the visual effects are poor (though this was 1994, so the CGI here was never going to be all that impressive to begin with), and the Santa mythos is bland (The 'The Rose Suchak Ladder Company', the E.L.F.S., and other such attempts to be clever with some of the mythos is just grating and not cute). The two bright spots are David Krumholtz and Bernard and Paige Tamada as Judy. Both are head elves and are given little to do, but still manage to mostly shine. There are some kind of cute moments as well (like one of the children Santa visits remembering he mentioned he was lactose intolerant earlier on, and so later replaces the milk she puts out next Christmas with soy milk) . 

The Santa Clause has become a Christmas classic, although I will never understand why. It's pretty bland, stupid, unfunny, and almost boring. That said, there are enough fails throughout that I suppose I could recommend it purely as a WTF watch.

1.5 STARS

SMALLS LEARNS THE SECRET ORIGINS OF SANTA WITH SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE

 When "Uncle Klaus", a toy maker who delivers toys to children finds himself, his wife and his two reindeer (Donner and Blitzen) trapped in a blizzard, they all seemingly freeze to death. That's not the end of the story though, as they are all given new eternal life as legendary figures (in fact, the role of Santa almost feels like it's being forced upon Uncle Klaus). Centuries later, an evil business man challenges Santa's iconic role and Christmas itself.

David Huddleston (Aka The Big Lebowski from The Big Lebowski) fits the role of Santa nicely, as does Judy Cornwell as Mrs. Claus. Christian Fitzpatrick is actually pretty good a street kid Joe, whom Santa essentially adopts. The best part of the film is John Lithgow as B.Z., our antagonist. He's tons of fun as the cigar chomping villain. While not given much to do, you can tell he's having a ton of fun with the role. Burgess Meredith even gets a short cameo as the oldest elf with an impressively long beard. The less said about Dudley Moore as Patch the elf, the better (I will admit he does have one funny scene with Lithgow and one effective scene with Santa).

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the shameless and in-your-face adverts for Coke and McDonalds (the film essentially stops for a whopping 32 seconds to do a whole commercial or McDonald's). Clearly these corporations put a lot of money into this film, and wanted audiences to know it.

The first 39 minutes of the flick act as the origin story for Santa (complete with a prophecy about 'The Chosen One'....ugh), and the rest of the film afterwards is where the main plot kicks in. The film doesn't have a whole lot to appeal to older audiences, but it honestly doesn't seem all that interested in that demographic. This is a movie geared squarely towards the young. It's very silly, full of magic, and often feels like it's trying too hard.

It's unfortunate that it feels like it's often checking off a list, and I couldn't help but feel like I've seen films like this one many times before (An origin story for Santa, we get to visit and explore the North Pole, an evil businessman/villain tries to thwart Santa, a couple of cute kids visit the North Pole and save the day).

Despite some gripes, Santa Claus: The Movie is really not a bad film. The kids that it's trying to appeal to will likely enjoy the heck out of it, and it just might become one of their favorite Christmas films.

3 STARS

SMALLS TRAVELS TO THE NORTH POLE WITH THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES 2

In The Christmas Chronicles 2, The North Pole finds itself under attack when ex-elf Belsnickel steals the sliver of The Bethlehem Star that powers the place (the inclusion of the star is a cool, appreciated touch). Only Kate and newcomer Jack can help Santa and Mrs. Claus protect The North Pole and save Christmas.

Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn return as Santa and Mrs. Claus and both are perfection (and naturally Kurt Russell gets another musical number, this time duet-ing with Darlene Love) . They both put thier unique, cool spins on the classic characters and are both iconic in their own right. Darby Camp (as Kate Pierce, who starts the film as a brat, but naturally softens up once the North Pole rears it's head) and Judah Lewis (in what is essentially a cameo as Teddy Pierce) return as well, and both are pretty good.

Julian Dennison (from Hunt For The Wilderpeople and Deadpool 2) plays the role of naughty elf turned human brat Belsnickel and is enjoyable in the role. Jahzir Bruno also makes quite an impression as Jack, the potential step-brother to Kate and Teddy (his father is Bob, as played by Tyrese Gibson, the love interest for Kate and Teddy's mom). Jack starts the film a pretty annoying, but surprisingly ends up being integral to the defense of The North Pole.

Chris Columbus takes over directing duties (and co-writes with Matt Lieberman), and it shows as this sequel is significantly better than the first outing. The North Pole and Santa's village is well-designed and feels magical and wondrous enough for young ones to gawk over. This sequel also isn't afraid to explore the origins of Santa and adds some extra lore to the North Pole and the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Claus (for example: Did you know Dasher is a female?).

In the end, I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say that Christmas Chronicles 2 is a new classic, but families and young ones are guaranteed to eat it up. It's got a good deal of warmth, heart, magic, fun, and nice messages. Christmas Chronicles 2 makes for a perfectly fine, enjoyable, fun, and memorable distraction during what has been a rough year. Check it out!

3 STARS

FATMAN DELIVERS THE GOODS

In Fatman, a haggard and disillusioned Santa Claus (Mel Gibson) finds himself struggling to pay the bills. There are less nice kids and more naughty ones every year, and he finds his elves making less and less toys because of this. Thusly, he is essentially forced to work with the U.S. Military making equipment for them so he can generate the income he needs. Things only get worse when an evil 12 year old rich kid (Chance Hurtsfield) gets a rightly deserved lump of coal and, enraged, hires a trigger happy hitman (Walton Goggins) to take out Santa. 

Fatman takes place in a world where Santa Claus is widely known to be a real person, and he is a common figure in the small town that sits near the North Pole. The color scheme of the film is dull and grey, as are most of the sets (There is plenty of snow throughout though, the film definitely looks wintry). Santa's workshop isn't a magical place of wonder, but feels more stark and industrial. The film  is lacking in magic (though there are reindeer and elves), and this feels odd and off-putting, but fits the world this film is set in. Fatman's 2020 is a world that has indeed lost most of it's magic and innocence, and Santa himself is struggling to hold onto his optimism and hope for the world.  Mel Gibson perfectly captures this version of Santa, and makes us feel for him and his plight. You can still see a faint twinkle in his eye at times. 

Marianne Jean-Baptiste plays Mrs. Claus, and is great. She is the one who props Santa up throughout the film, and often gives him the pep talks he needs to get through the day. Walton Goggins is great fun as the hitman who is actually given a good backstory that explains his reasons for hating Santa as well as why he grew up to be such a nasty person (a nice added element is that he spends his spare time buying up the gifts Santa gave to others in what seems to be an attempt to make up for all the gifts he missed out on growing up). Despite being a total Grinch, Goggin's hitman does own a cute hamster that he loves and cares for. He also has the evil 12 year old as a contact under the name "Little Shit". This gives him just a tiny bit of humanity that makes him a bit more likable and sympathetic than he would otherwise be.

Chance Hurtsfield plays the evil Billy Wenan, and is very easy to hate. Despite winning the science project trophy at his school multiple years in a row, when he loses the most recent outing he doesn't hesitate to take extreme measures against the winner. He also isn't afraid to forge checks from his ailing grandmother (whom he lives with), and just acts like a general shit to all the maids working for his family. He almost comes across like a mini-Trump throughout, and you can't help but root for him to get his comeuppance (as to if he does though....).

Despite the plot promising us a bloody action thriller, most of Fatman is spent exploring Santa's life and following the hitman as he attempts to track down Santa. There's not a whole lot of forward momentum, and the action doesn't really kick in until the final 25-30 minutes (when it does kick in, it's satisfying and worth the wait. Mel Gibson, unsurprisingly, manages to make his Santa a bad-ass.). That said, I never once found myself bored or anxious during the runtime. The bleak and dour world created here is interesting enough and the characters that inhabit it are entertaining to spend time with. There is some silliness and humor throughout, but it's all approached with a straight-face, almost like the film isn't aware that it's silly or humorous. Surprisingly, this only made these parts work even better.

Fatman is written and directed by Eshom and Ian Nelms, and they do a pretty good job. They have made numerous other small/independent films, so this isn't their first outing. Fatman definitely has me interested to seek out their previous work as well as keeping an eye out for any future films from them.

In the end, Fatman is a film that has great acting, great and interesting characters, great world building, and a great plot....put simply, it's all great. My only real complaint is the way Santa finds his hope again is weak and not all that well explained. Despite that, Fatman is highly entertaining. It's a different kind of Christmas exploitation film, and it feels right at home in the year 2020. 

4 STARS

JINGLE JANGLE: A CHRISTMAS JOURNEY IS A RARITY

 In Jingle Jangle, we follow struggling inventor Jeronicus Jangle (Forest Whitaker). Jangle was once the best known inventor in his small town until his apprentice, Gustafson (Keegan-Michael Key), at the behest of Jangle's most prized invention (an evil, arrogant, and annoying Don Juan matador toy voiced by Ricky Martin) ran away with Don Juan and Jangle's book of inventions. With Gustafson now the most famed inventor in the land (along with several other disasters that befell Jangle), Jangle has fallen on very hard times and is about to go out of business. When his granddaughter, Journey (Madeline Mills), comes to stay until Christmas, she discovers the invention that might make Jangle famous and beloved once again. Along with Jangle's young custodian, Edison (Kieron L. Dyer), post lady Ms. Johnston (Lisa Davina Phillip), and Journey's mom/Jangle's daughter Jessica (Anika Noni Rose), maybe Jangle can find a renewed hope and joy once again.

Jingle Jangle has it's work cut out for it. It's the first original Christmas musical we've gotten in a long, long time (if that's not enough to excite you, I don't know what is). The story itself works for both kids and adults, with endearing and poignant messages for both (plus the cast is mostly people of color). There are some parts that feel a little silly, but right when I'd be ready to take some notches off, a hard-hitting emotional moment or thrilling song-and-dance number would be right around the corner. All our actors do great jobs. Whitaker proves he has some serious vocal talent, and while he does mumble his way through the first act or two, he's able to bring some serious emotion to the role. Madeline Mills is a delight as Journey, who excels at singing, acting and dancing. She manages to light up the screen whenever she is on. Keegan-Michael Key gets to have a lot of fun with his likable, misguided villain. This is easily one of his better roles of late. 

It's not easy to create an original musical, but Jingle Jangle does so almost effortlessly. The songs by John Legend, Philip Lawrence, Davy Nathan, and Michael Diskint are almost all memorable and great. The choreography by Ashley Wallen is superb as well. Under the hands of costume designer Michael Wilkinson, the entire cast (including the extras and ensemble) look sharp and impeccably dressed. David E. Talbert writes and directs, and he excels at each.

The only real gripe I have is that the villains don't pose as much of a threat as they should, and when they do try to get in the way they are fairly easily defeated. The film is also a little on the long side, running at around 1 hour 53 minutes. Luckily, it never drags and moves at a satisfying pace. 

It's hard not to walk into Jingle Jangle expecting the worst, after all, creating an original musical is hard...let alone one that is themed around the Christmas holiday. Luckily, it does most things right. The songs are great, the dancing is electrifying, the set design is gorgeous, the story is heartfelt and poignant , and the characters are all likable (even our main villain). It shows that, while 2020 has been a terrible year, it has not been without its gifts. In the end, Jingle Jangle is a rarity in that not only is it a great original Christmas musical...it also just might become a new holiday classic. 

4 STARS

RE-VISITING SCREAM

 For the final Halloween review of the night, we take a second look at Scream and decide if it lives up to its status as a horror classic. HEAVY SPOILERS FOLLOW!

A horror movie for people who love horror movies. It's never all that scary (suspenseful and tense, sure thing!), but it certainly is a blast from start to finish. It helps that there are some deeper themes involving trauma that permeate the film, and this elevates the proceedings just a tiny bit.

Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox) and Dewey (David Arquette) are more-so minor characters here. They get more character development and upped roles in the sequels. In this first outing Gale spends most of the run-time being a scummy news reporter (it's not until well into the third act that she becomes important to the proceedings and turns into a bit of a heroine), and Dewey kind of just wanders around as an inept cop.  

Neve Campbell as Sidney, our lead, is great. She is believable as your normal, everyday, hometown, girl-next-door (though I don't really buy her as a teen). I love that a large part of her character arc is having to deal with barely suppressed trauma. This makes her character all the more rich,  interesting, engaging.  Sidney makes for an easily iconic horror heroine.

Jamie Kennedy is fantastic as video-store rental clerk and movie aficionado Randy. His role here is minor, but he sets the foundation to become the beating heart of the Scream franchise (even if he does die in the sequel). His best scene is when he is screaming at "Jamie" in Halloween to look behind her as Ghostface creeps up behind him (the gag is that he is actually screaming at himself to look behind him...brilliant, mind-melting meta gag!). Randy plays upon the nerdy bf trope, and brings something new to the table. He is another iconic character in horror.

Rose McGowan plays Tatum, Sidney's best friend. She is a very likable, fun character who isn't given much to do (despite appearing in the film quite a bit). McGowan is very attractive, and she plays the sassy and cool best friend role very well. Tatum's contribution to the franchise is huge and can not be ignored (She is the one who first names the killer "Ghostface". Before her classic line, the killer's costume is officially known as "Father Death", as can be seen in a very brief insert shot). 

Skeet Ulrich is perfection as  boyfriend Billy (boyfriend to Sidney). Ulrich's performance heavily reminded me of Johnny Depp in A Nightmare On Elm Street (though the characters are more different than they are similar). Billy is a mysterious but likable high schooler who isn't the easiest to trust. Ulrich manages to play sexy boyfriend, nice guy, and scenery chewing madman all incredibly well. He has some very entertaining moments throughout the film (in the third act especially). Ulrich's Billy is an iconic character in horror history, and for good reason (I also find his motivation for why he does what he does believable).

The legendary Matthew Lillard plays Stu, boyfriend to Tatum and best friend to Billy. Stu fills in the role of "the funny guy". Lillard hams it up and puts on one of his most memorable performances to date as the wacky and unhinged Stu. He chews every piece of scenery he can find, and Scream is all the better for it. Billy and Stu work really well as The Ghostface Killer in the film, and it can be difficult to tell who is behind the costume in any one scene (I assume the Ghostface that pratfalls a lot tends to be Stu and the Ghostface that is more efficient is Billy, but I could be wrong). They both work as iconic villains.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention  Roger L. Jackson as the voice of the Ghostface killer. His voice is iconic and unforgettable. He can go from sounding like just another confused caller, to a flirtatious mystery man, to a frightening killer in a matter of seconds-minutes. When you think of Scream, you're likely to think of his voice first and foremost (on an unrelated note: I really do love Ghostface in this film. His mannerisms are entertaining, and his costume is iconic and cool). 

Scream is written by Kevin Williamson, and directed by Wes Craven. Together, the two work some serious magic. The film is filled to the brim with many, many horror movie references and horror films themselves act as a major element of the plot. Scream re-defined the horror film, and makes it look easy. The flick runs at almost to hours, but breezes by and feels significantly shorter than that (The third act arrives surprisingly fast). 

Scream feels like a fairly simple horror film, but don't let that fool you. There is definitely a good deal going on underneath the good, not-so-clean fun of the film. With superb direction and writing, some memorable performances and iconic characters, and one bad-ass, super cool killer, Scream earns it's rightful place as one of the great horror films of all time. Just...don't expect to scream.

4.5 STARS

The pumpkins slowly flicker out, the sounds of children's laughter fades away, the ghosties and ghoulies return to their endless slumber for another year. This quarantine edition of Fright Fest goes back into hibernation, but rest assured, next year Fright Fest will re-awaken with a whole new bag of tricks and treats for you to enjoy. Until then, stay safe and enjoy the rest of your night. Happy Halloween!

THE NEW FLESH LIVES WITH VIDEODROME

 "The television screen is the retina of the mind's eye."

"Television is reality, and reality is less than television."

"It has something...that you don't have, Max. It has a philosophy, and that is what makes it dangerous."

"Long live the new flesh."

Happy Halloween my ghosties and ghoulies. With The Virus still raging, I imagine most of you will be glued to your tv screens tonight. So, why not start out my Halloween night reviews with a horror film about television? Let's get lost in the screen with David Cronenberg's Videodrome.

In Videodrome, Max Renn (James Woods), a producer for a sleazy low-budget tv station is looking for the next big thing. In his search, he stumbles across a hidden, secret snuff tv show called Videodrome. It doesn't take long before he becomes obsessed with it, and as he watches more and more he starts to have vivid hallucinations. Intrigued, Max embarks on a quest to discover the truth and the reality behind Videodrome, eventually becoming embroiled in an ever-deepening conspiracy. When his hallucinations become impossible to distinguish from reality, things take a turn for the worst.

Videodrome is directed and penned by horror master David Cronenberg, and this is one of his masterpieces (alongside The Fly). The script is sublime, and his direction is pitch-perfect. Videodrome takes place in a world that has become over-saturated and obsessed with television. The tv dominates every day life, or is about to. The world crafted here is very similar to our own, and is all the more terrifying for it.  

In this world, we follow Max Renn. It is his job to be obsessed with and about television. He is a man of few ethics and scruples. He doesn't believe in anything but television, making him a perfect target for the gospel of Videodrome. James Woods plays Max, and does a phenomenal performance. He manages to take a somewhat sleazy character and make him likable and cool. Woods looks consistently cool, almost like a character out of a noir. This might be appropriate as Videodrome is, at its heart, a fascinating and scary mystery that doubles as a vicious commentary on our world.

Videodrome is a film that takes a hard look at our (unhealthy?) obsession with television, and how it can warp and shape our minds and our experienced (and maybe even shared) reality. It understands that tv can be used for good or ill, and that it has the ability to control and influence our minds and thoughts.  The flick finds some very true, very disturbing things to say that should resonate with audiences long after the film has ended. 

If someone was to ever have the (unwise) idea to remake Videodrome for our modern day, I imagine that they could take the proceedings in a different direction and instead to choose to focus on society's current obsession with internet, smartphones, and technology. That said, Videodrome is a film that is still very much relevant today. It still holds up.

The effects in Videodrome are stunning, impressive, and disturbing (But not so disturbing that they are borderline unwatchable ala the effects in The Fly and Naked Lunch). Rick Baker was in charge of the effects, and it shows. They are  fascinating, quite icky, and hard to forget (especially the scene where Woods presses his face into a tv screen. It's beautiful, odd, surreal, and effective) . We get gun-hands, videocassettes and television sets that inhale and exhale, scar tissue that opens up into gaping wounds into which objects can be inserted or retrieved, and more. 

James Woods is not the only actor that impresses here. Debbie Harry (aka Blondie) plays the sexy and overstimulated Nikki Brand, who shares Max's obsession with Videodrome. She is beautiful, but odd.  Jack Creley plays Brian O'Blivion, the founder and creator of Videodrome. He has some strong beliefs about the future of television, and offers some words of warning to Max about his creation. Sonja Smits plays Bianca O'Blivion, the daughter of Brian who is the head of operations for Cathode Ray Mission, a homeless shelter where those being housed inside are encouraged to watch hours of television non-stop. Both Bianca and her father are mysterious figures. Are they good or bad, what are their true intentions? 

Leslie Carlson plays Barry Convex, the head of a glasses manufacturer called Spectacular Optical. He is another  mysterious figure that is also a disciple of television, and might have some big, bad plans for Videodrome. Peter Dvorsky plays Harlan, the operater of Max's station's unauthorized satellite dish (He is referred to as a pirate). Harlan is a good friend of Max's, whose allegiances will be tested before the end of the film.

Videodrome is a film that has a lot on its mind, and it isn't shy about sharing it's thoughts. It's a trippy, surreal, acid-trip of a film that only gets weirder and more unhinged the longer it goes on. The last 30 minutes or so really pull a mindfuck on the audience, as we, much like Max, are unable to tell where hallucinations end and reality begins (and vice versa). Videodrome is an unforgettable, challenging, intelligent masterpiece that will disturb, thrill, and amuse. Check it out, just don't be surprised if you find it hard to shake off long after the end credits have rolled.

5 STARS

RESOLUTION STARTED BENSON AND MOORHEAD OUT WITH A BANG!

 By far Benson and Moorhead's best film. In it, Michael (Peter Cilella) travels to an unfinished cabin where his friend, Chris (Vinny Curran) has been squatting and doing crystal meth. Michael's aim is to force Chris to detox, and so he chains him to a pipe in the cabin for several days. In between their arguing and catching up, Michael stumbles across different pieces of technology (film reels, pictures, laptop videos, journals, scrapbooks, etc) that begin to tell a bizarre and unsettling story that seems to directly involve them.

This is my first time watching Resolution since 2013, and I'm glad I gave it a second watch, as after the first viewing I was left confused and disappointed. Luckily, after this most recent viewing, I now more-or-less understand what is going on. The duo are being watched by an ancient being (possibly an Elemental since the cabin is on an Indian reservation), who has been "recording" them and attempting to make a movie out of what it is witnessing. It lured Michael to the cabin in the hopes that his presence would help create a satisfactory resolution to it's film. In the end, while the duo come up with a happy ending for their tale, the being does not approve and so dooms them to repeating their story until they find an ending that it likes (an impossible task as seen later in The Endless).

Peter Cilella and Vinny Curan are fantastic in their respective roles and are both very likable and believable as BFFs. Bill Oberst Jr. also has a memorable small role as a French researcher who might have the answers that Michael is looking for regarding what is going on with the technology he keeps finding.

Resolution is part buddy comedy, relationship drama, surreal sci-fi, and tense mystery-thriller. It's a film about two best friends learning to better understand each other, and an angry, vengeful being who only wants to watch them suffer. It's bizarre, surreal, oddly heartwarming, and ultimately kind of sad.

4.5 STARS

IT'S TIME TO EXPLORE A CURSED HAUNTD HOTEL WITH THE HELL HOUSE LLC FILMS

 HELL HOUSE LLC

A young group of friends who craft haunted houses for Halloween think they've hit the jackpot when they stumble across the abandoned Abbadon Hotel, which has a dark backstory. When they set up shop inside, bad things start to occur and they all realize that the hotel may have been abandoned for a good reason.  This film is one of THE WORST examples of SWPS (Stupid White People Syndrome) I've seen in a horror film. Crazy, bad, freaky shit is going down, our leads see this and acknowledge it (even freaking out over it themselves), and yet instead of getting the hell out of dodge they decide to stay or even travel deeper into dangerous territory. It's frustrating. Our leads are likable enough and the actors do pretty good performances. (Ryan Jennifer as Sara, Gore Abrams as Paul, and Jared Hacker as Tony are the most likable. Danny Bellini as Alex is very handsome and looks cool, but is an asshole). The first two acts are great and intriguing, but the third act shits the bed. The scariest thing this film has to offer is a clown mannequin that comes to life and continually stalks our crew. As for the last act where the shit finally hits the fan....it's really hard to make out what is going on on screen due to intense shaky cam and very grainy footage. This wouldn't be quite as annoying, except the whole film is predicated on figuring out what really happened at The Abaddon Hotel, and by the time the film ends the audience isn't any closer to figuring out the truth (It's clear it was likely something paranormal or demonic, but that's all we really know by the end). The big twist/surprise at the very end is also pretty predictable if you are paying attention early on (or have half a brain). If you're looking for a fun haunted house film I'd happily recommend Haunt or The Houses October Built over this flick. Hopefully the sequels are better.

2.5 STARS

HELL HOUSE LLC 2: THE ABADDON HOTEL

In Hell House 2, an investigative journalist ropes the sole survivor from the previous film into giving her a tour of The Abaddon Hotel in an attempt to discover the truth behind the place. If you've seen the first Hell House LLC, then this sequel is required viewing. It fully explains the back story of the Abaddon Hotel, as well as the truth of the events witnessed in the first film (in a way, it makes the first film retroactively better). Unfortunately, the way Hell House LLC 2 is structured and designed is very weak, and almost all the actors are terrible. The only actor that doesn't suck is Vasile Flutur as Mitchell, the only surviving character from the first film. He is very likable and intelligent, and he makes for a great leading man/hero (He's also easily my favorite character out of any in the three films). He does suffer from a bit of SWPS (Stupid White Person Sydrome), but his decision to explore The Abaddon Hotel makes some sense and doesn't come across as complete stupidity.  The story this time around is interesting, and there are still some freaky moments found within. Hell House LLC 2 is considerably weaker than the first Hell House, but it is still not without it's odd charms.

2 STARS

HELL HOUSE LLC 3: LAKE OF FIRE

In Hell House LLC 3, a traveling interactive theater troupe sets up shop inside the (still abandoned) Abaddon Hotel, only to discover the horrors lurking inside for themselves. The worst out of the three Hell House LLC films. The acting here is overall better than that found in Hell House 2, but most of the characters are overly obnoxious live theater performers. This final outing does bring the trilogy to an acceptable ending, but I was not a fan of how it insisted on giving the complete story a too-happy ending (they even retroactively redeem characters found in the first film). With the added insult of a Christ-like savior figure that the film centers around, Hell House LLC 3 is an insult to fans of the Hell House films and is incredibly disappointing. Skip it.

1 STAR

EXCISION LOOKS AT YOUNG FEMALE ANGST THROUGH THE LENS OF HORROR

An ultra-dark, wickedly funny, and very bloody tale of high school angst. Pauline (AnnaLynne McCord) is a troubled, unwell high school rebel with dreams of becoming a surgeon. Her sister Grace (Ariel Winter) has Cystic Fibrosis and when things start to look dire for her, Pauline decides to take matters into her own hands.

AnnaLynne McCord is phenomenal and surprisingly sexy as Pauline, a trainwreck who is dealing with a dying sister, a hyper-dysfunctional family, and high school troubles. She is the star of the show here, and easily carries the film on her back. She is witty, hilarious, hot, and disturbing. There are quite a few dream sequences in which AnnaLynne McCord looks completely unrecognizable, to the point where I thought it was a different actress in those parts.

There isn't a whole lot of plot to Excision, most of the runtime is just following Pauline around as we watch the ups-and-downs of her life. While you're never really sure where the film is headed, or what the point of it all is, rest assured you will definitely be entertained throughout. Excision isn't necessarily a horror film, though it is plenty bloody and disturbing. I'd qualify it more as a super fucked up high school coming-of-age drama. Excision is akin to what you would get if you mixed Jennifer's Body, American Mary, and Ginger Snaps together. It certainly won't be for everyone, but for what it's worth, I highly enjoyed my time with it.

4 STARS

MEET BELIAL WITH BASKET CASE

 Basket Case follows Duane Bradley (Kevin Van Hentenryck), a seemingly ordinary guy in his early 20s who hides a dark secret in a large wicker basket he carries with him. Inside is Belial, his formerly conjoined, deformed brother who was forcibly removed from Duane. Both are furious about this, and so head to NYC to punish those responsible. In between murders, Duane starts up a cute romance with Sharon (Terri Susan Smith), a sweet receptionist at a doctors office.

Basket Case is the directorial debut of schlock master Frank Henenlotter. The film was made for $35,000 and was shot on 16 mm. Most of the kills aren't great, except for the final one. The real draw here is Belial, who is an impressive, freaky creation. He actually has a personality, and it's hard not to feel sympathy/empathy for the little guy and his plight (He has a definite Quasimodo or Phantom type vibe). Belial also has some homosexual tendencies as can be seen by his feelings for his brother, and the jealousy he displays when Duane starts to get closer to Sharon.

Kevin Van Hentenryck is handsome, young, and mostly likable despite being complicit in Belial's murders. He cares deeply about his brother, and the two share a telepathic connection. Memorable supporting roles include Robert Vogel as the manager of the transient hotel Duane and Belial stay at (He has some entertaining reactions to the situations he finds himself in during the film, and is quite likable), and Beverly Bonner as Casey, the kind prostitute next door.

Basket Case isn't all that well paced (as can be evidenced by an extended flashback near the start of the third act), and the plotting is minimal. That said, it's very entertaining and cheesy. The film is also an equal opportunist when it comes to nudity.

In the end, Basket Case is far from being a bad film, despite having it's fair share of flaws. It's surprisingly memorable and lots of fun, it's definitely worth a watch for Belial alone. With memorable, likable, sympathetic leads and some nice performances, Basket Case makes the most out of its meager budget and emerges as a schlock classic.

3.5 STARS

IT'S TIME TO RAISE THE CURTAIN ON STAGEFRIGHT

 Michele Soavi's promising directorial debut. In Stage Fright, a musical about a mass murderer is in rehearsal. When a mental patient (an actor-turned madman) escapes from a nearby psychiatric hospital, he sneaks into the theater and starts to off the cast one-by-one. With the keys to the outside misplaced, the actors find themselves trapped inside with the killer.

Soavi is one of the masters of Italian horror, having worked in the genre behind the scenes, in front of the camera, and as a respected director. With the assistance of cinematographer Renato Tafuri, Soavi peppers Stage Fright with surreal, nightmarish visuals. The shot composition, framing, camera movements, and sets are masterful and gorgeous. The madman's owl head costume is quite odd, but creepy and memorable (fun fact: In some cultures, Owls are closely associated with death).

The actors all do a great job, from the provocateur director (Peter, played by David Brandon), to the gay jokester (Brent, played by Giovanni Lombardo Radice), to our heroine (Alicia, played by Barbara Cupisti). Stage Fright is a playful, meta, and freaky film with quite a few memorable kills and blood/gore effects (There's definitely a sense that Soavi is enjoying himself here). There's also some noticeable dubbing, though I wouldn't necessarily say it's bad. In the end when all is said and done, Stage Fright makes for quite a memorable, fun, surreal nightmare of a film.

4 STARS

STREET TRASH ENJOYS PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES OF TASTE

In Street Trash, we follow the lives of a bunch of disgusting but interesting homeless people. Meanwhile, cheap, 60 year old hooch (called Viper) is being sold to the homeless population, the seller and buyers unaware that one sip causes instantaneous melting.

Street Trash is a film that could never get made today. It's so the opposite of PC that it hurts. There are casual (even humorous) depictions of necrophilia, rape, forced gang bangs, racism, and more...it's pretty abhorrent. Memorable characters include Doorman (James Lorinz), Fred (Mike Lackey, our protagonist), Pat (Frank Schnizer), and Bronson (Vic Noto). Most of the characters are unlikable (except for Kevin and Wendy, portrayed by Mark Sferrazza and Jane Arakawa, respectively.) The best character is Bill (Bill Chepil), a mean but bad-ass cop.

Luckily, the production value on display is surprisingly superb for what was clearly a low-budget production. The effects work is impressive and memorable, especially the numerous melting scenes where the homeless melt into vibrant, multi-colored, acidic goo (a real treat for the eyes). Some of the set design and lighting is damned great as well, and the costumes for the numerous homeless people that pepper the film are eclectic and memorable too.

For a film that's main selling point is Viper and it's effects, there is sadly very few melting scenes until the final 30 minutes or so (There are only a grand total of two meltings within the first two acts or so of the film). That leaves us with a good 50 minutes of following disgusting and fairly despicable characters around as they do their thing. It's entertaining, but also not.

If you are sick and tired of the current PC culture today, then Street Trash just might be your cup of tea. If offensive material isn't your kind of thing, it's still worth a watch for the special effects and production value on display. That said, I can't exactly recommend this film to everyone. It's made for a very specific, niche crowd and if you aren't part of said crowd then Street Trash very likely won't be for you. In the end, Street Trash works best as a special effects showcase and as tasteless, in-your-face schlock.

2.5 STARS

SETTLE IN FOR A CLASSIC GHOST STORY WITH THE CHANGELING

When Professor John Russell (George C. Scott) loses his wife and daughter in a tragic accident, he moves out of his NYC apartment and into an old mansion in an attempt to cope with the tragedy. Unfortunately, the house is haunted by the specter of a young child that torments and communicates with John. Soon, John finds himself entangled in an ever-deepening mystery.

Wow, this wasn't what I was expecting at all. The Changeling is expertly directed by Peter Medak and in his hands the film is tense and suspenseful, continually building and building (and twisting and turning) until it's memorable climax. The cinematography by John Coquillon is superb. The camera movements and angles are striking and stick with the viewer. The set decoration (by Keith Pepper) and production design (by Trevor Williams) are superb as well. The best example of this is in the gorgeous, haunting, and memorable mansion that John moves into.

The mansion is almost a character unto itself. The exterior is creepy and enticing, while retaining an odd aura of foreboding. The interior is lush, elaborate, and inviting. It clashes in an odd way with the mansion's exterior. It's almost like the interior was well-kept while the exterior was left to rot away. It's an unusual choice that only helps to cement the mansion deep in viewer's memories long after the film has ended.

The story here was expertly crafted by Russell Hunter (the script by William Gray and Diana Maddox is serviceable). Hunter's story enjoys toying with viewers. It's always shifting and changing, and is never quite what you thought it was...to the point where when the film does finally settle down with an explanation you can't help but remain tense as you expect yet another reveal or shoe-drop to occur.

The only real complaint I could think of is the Claire character (Trish Van Devere). She is the member of a historical society that sells John the mansion, and assists him with investigating the mystery. She's not necessarily a bad character, but she does fall victim to a lot of female tropes and clichés: She's constantly screaming, crying, or hysterical. This does not help endear her to audiences and just makes her come across as weak and emotional (not a good look).

In the end, The Changling is one of the best haunted house/ghost story/mystery films you can see. It's an enjoyable and super memorable puzzle box of a movie that is fun to tinker and play with. It's a certified classic!

5 STARS

WE REACH THE END OF THE PHANTASM SEQUELS WITH PHANTASM: RAVAGER

In the conclusion to the Phantasm franchise, Reggie finds himself unstuck in time (or  is the past, present, future, and all realities converging? Or is he just suffering from dementia?) as he tries to track down The Tall Man in an attempt to end his madness once and for all, and bring back Jody and Mike. 

This final chapter hearkens back to the first Phantasm, and it is closest in tone to the first than any of the other sequels. There are some nice callbacks to previous films (Reggie gets to play his guitar again, SWEET!), but the story is sure to make your head spin, doesn't feel fully thought out, and is even a little slap-dash at times. The effects are also the worst in any of the Phantasm films (They are quite painful on the eyes).

Don Coscarelli returns to co-write and produce Ravager, with newcomer David Hartman co-writing and taking over the director reigns. The flick does tend to feel more than a little like a fan film at times, and the production value is quite poor. The score isn't terrible, but still can't hold a candle to the first Phantasm's.

Angus Scrimm returns for a final time as The Tall Man  and is just as great as ever. He brings it home one final time, and was in the film more than I expected him to be (his first scene had me on the verge of tears as he literally looks like he is on death's door. Luckily, this is the only time in Ravager that he looks like this). A. Michael Baldwin returns as Mike, and while he is sprinkled throughout the film, this is his best performance as Mike since the first Phantasm. Bill Thornbury also makes a small cameo near the end as Jody. He isn't given much to do, and fails to make an impression. 

Reggie Bannister as Reggie is the focus of this outing, and Ravager cements Reggie as the heart and soul of the entire franchise. He is still great, cool, funny, and lovable. Reggie puts on one last memorable performance to close out the story.

While Phantasm: Ravager's ending isn't the most satisfying, this film is still decent (despite most of the minor characters dong bad acting jobs). You can't help but wish we got a more conclusive ending to the franchise, but in the end I'd say that Ravager is still worth a peek for long time Phantasm fans.

2.5 STARS

LET'S VISIT A GRAVEYARD WITH CEMETERY MAN

 Welcome to a world where life, love and death mean nothing.

Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) lives a solitary life as a watchman for a cemetery where some of the dead come back to life. It is his job to maintain the grounds and kill any of the "returners". Despite a tough job, he is mostly ignored or ridiculed by others, has a tough time fitting into social situations/society, and dreams of finding true love. After a doomed love affair with a beautiful widow (Anna Falchi), he ruminates on his lot in life as his loss begins to affect his mental health.

Rupert Everett is great as our lead, and looks pretty darn cool most of the time. Francois Hadji-Lazaro is great as well as Francesco's simpleton assistant. The film itself borders on an Army of Darkness-esque tone and style most of the time, while trying to juggle some serious themes about love, life, death, and nihilism. Michele Soavi directs, and does a fantastic job (as always. He manages to fit in some striking and gorgeous visuals here.). The film looks like it's made-for-tv, and some of the effects are cheap, but the setting of the cemetery and some of the areas within it are superb (There's also an awesome Death puppet that actually made me do a spit take). The script by Gianni Romali is great and filled with memorable lines ("I would give my life to be dead.").

Cemetery Man is certainly an acquired taste due to it's goofy tone mixed with some serious, contemplative themes. It's elements don't always mix well, but it is undeniably a highly entertaining but downbeat film. The best way I could describe it is as a nihilistic comic book.

4 STARS

LET'S RAISE A TOAST AS I RE-EVALUATE ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN 2

   In Halloween 2, two years have passed since the events of the previous film and Laurie (Scout Taylor-Compton) has been adopted by Sherriff Bracket (Brad Dourif) and his daughter Annie (Danielle Harris, who starred in Halloween 4 and 5) and is slowly losing her mind thanks to what appears to be a psychic connection with her older brother, mental trauma from the events of the previous film, survivor's guilt, and possibly genetics (The film does seem to imply Laurie may have inherited the same madness her brother is inflicted with). Meanwhile, Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) has become  a selfish, money-hungry, uncaring asshole who has written a highly hyped memoir that directly profits off of the misery of the victims from Michael's (Tyler Mane) attack. All this while Michael plods slowly back to Haddonfield to enact a vengeful plan that he hopes will bring his family back together forever.

Michael in this film has become someone best resembling a shambling, bearded, old man hobo. He wanders around aimlessly, committing random murders here and there, and is plagued by constant visions of his dead mother with a white horse (oh, and he communicates with her via a version of his 10 year old self). He seems to be downright pissed throughout most of the film, as his murders are much more brutal this time around. Sometimes he grunts when he stabs people, and he actually speaks a word near the end (Believe it or not, I'm ok with this version of Michael...not so much with him speaking though). Michael's story is fairly tragic, as he only wants to re-unite his family but goes about doing so in increasingly violent, harmful and counterproductive ways. Michael is in this film a good deal, but Halloween 2 is more-so interested in Laurie's story, which is a nice switch-up. 

 Out of all the Halloween films, Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 might be the most consistently pretty to look at (Thanks in large part to cinematography by Brandon Trost), as well as the most surreal. There are quite a few shots that are gorgeous and the atmosphere is that of a rich Halloween nightmare (Personally, the Halloween party near the end of the film is the one scene I always think of when I think of the atmosphere I've come to associate with the Halloween holiday). As far as acting goes, Brad Dourif as Sherriff Bracket (He might be the most likable character in the film, as he is sympathetic, kind, and is genuinely doing his best to try to help Laurie and Annie), Danielle Harris as Annie Bracket (Who acts as a sister and "Mother" to Laurie. Notice that we never see her leave the house.), and Scout Taylor-Compton as Laurie are all superb. Brea Grant as Mya and Angela Trimbur as Harley  manage to leave a mark as Laurie's new friends and co-workers at a coffee shop. Chase Wright Vanek also fares significantly better than Daeg Faerch did as Young Michael. 

A lot of the film takes place in Laurie and Michael's head space, and that makes this outing  very personal and painfully intimate. Although Laurie's behavior can be quite off putting (She screams A LOT, consistently has mental breakdowns, and is just all around rude to folks most of the time), it's hard not to sympathize and empathize with her. Her character here is suffering from severe trauma doled out two years ago, and she is still struggling to return to normal. The question is, after Laurie's experiences in Zombie's first film, is that even possible? More likely than not, Laurie will remain forever altered (as likely would we all). She is surrounded by people who mean well and are attempting to help her, but each inevitably fail in their mission due to incompetence, a lack of understanding,  an inability to empathize with her, or Laurie's outright rejection of their efforts.

Halloween 2 is not a perfect film. The parts with Deborah Meyers ( Sheri Moon Zombie) and the white horse are silly, but visually striking. There are also some scenes near the end where Deborah and Young Michael stand motionless in the background, and in these parts they just look ridiculous. There is a whole lot of cursing (not the end of the world, but I could see how this would bother some), as well as a scene where two paramedic drivers joke about screwing a corpse (yuck). There's also an extended scene of Michael eating a dog, which is sure to turn some stomachs (Same with most of the brutality and murders found here, really). The take on Loomis in this outing is so different that it might give you whiplash, and he is completely unlikable (Not hard to hate on him). It's difficult to figure out why Zombie chose to go this route with Loomis. The final ending and Laurie's arc might piss people off, but I personally love it.  

Halloween 2 is the rare horror sequel that chooses to directly grapple with the after-effects, trauma, and consequences of a vicious attack. This is Rob Zombie's full, unfiltered take on a Halloween film, and it's painfully original, refreshingly different, and incredibly unique. It's dark, mean, brutal, and savage, but also surprisingly deep, touching, tragic, and sad. It's messy, and it might take more than one viewing to fully comprehend some of the scenes within (the opening and closing scenes come to mind), but Halloween 2 is still one of Zombie's best films (as well as one of the most under-appreciated Halloween movies) and it re-iterates just how creative, visually inventive, bold, and daring an artist Zombie can be.

 I first saw Halloween 2 waaaaay back in 2019. When I first saw it, I absolutely hated it, however I've continued to go back and re-watch the director's cut, and over the years it has cast a strange spell over me. The more I re-watched it, the more I've come to appreciate the flick for what it is. It's been 11 years since my first viewing, and my opinion on it has changed quite a bit. I'm tired of being ashamed of loving something, and so now, at 30, I'm unafraid to stand up and say that I love Rob Zombie's Halloween 2, flaws and all

4 STARS

PHANTASM: OBLIVION MARKS A SWEET FAREWELL FOR CREATOR DON COSCARELLI

 In Don Coscarelli's farewell to his beloved franchise (this was the last Phantasm film he directed and was the sole writer of), we pick up immediately after the end of part 3, with Mike fleeing and eventually being driven to the desert by The Tall Man. Reggie is left to reluctantly give chase.

A. Michael Baldwin, Reggie Bannister, and Bill Thornbury all return as Mike, Reggie, and Jody.  Mike gets a lot more screen time this around. A. Michael Baldwin is fine as Mike. He's not that great of an actor, but his character is still pretty good ,though he spends most of the film wandering around the desert. He isn't given much to do, though his story does hold potential. In this outing, it seems The Tall Man might be grooming Mike to become the next Tall Man, and Mike discovers he has some new telekinetic powers. Unfortunately, Mike's plot is pretty boring.

Reggie is a lovable bad-ass again (He even gets quite a few cool lines), and his plot is the more engaging of the two. He is driving across the country, searching for Mike, kicking some serious ass along the way (Gotta love the cop battle he gets into in one scene. His tuning fork also makes an appearance). Near the end, he dons his iconic outfit from the first Phantasm film and wields his bad-ass 4 barrel shotgun (You're damn right I cheered!).  

Heidi Marnhout makes a brief appearance as Jennifer, an unlucky woman that Reggie bumps into. The film builds up her character a bit, but she is more-or-less quickly thrown away. A shame, since she and Reggie actually have some nice chemistry. Bill Thornbury as Jody is appropriately mysterious. He is still trapped in one of The Tall Man's balls, and the question is raised as to where his allegiances really lie. It's nice to actually get answers about Jody here.

Angus Scrimm returns once again as The Tall Man, and he is still imposing and freaky. This time, he actually is given two scenes where he gets to act as a "good" version of The Tall Man. It's nice to see the guy get to stretch his acting chops a bit.  Phantasm 4 provides some satisfying answers as to The Tall Man's origins, which was a nice surprise (and is actually tied into the first film in a way that makes sense).

Besides the film's slow, meandering pace, the worst thing about this fourth outing is the abundance of flashbacks to the first Phantasm (A good deal  of which are apparently outtakes/deleted scenes, so that's nice). They are constant during the film's first two acts, and their only purpose really is to pad out this flick's runtime (Though something cool is done with the final flashback). Without the flashbacks, Phantasm 4's runtime would likely only be a little over an hour (far from the required 80 minutes for a film). 

The ending this go around is actually more satisfying than the endings to Phantasm 2 and 3. It's by no means a perfect ending, but it didn't feel slap-dash and lazy (like Phantasm 3),and didn't leave me questioning previous events (like Phantasm 2 did). This ending actually gave me some chills, which was appreciated.  At times, we also get the return of a slower Phantasm theme (which I've seriously missed). 

In the end, Phantasm 4 is not a great film...but it is perfectly fine for what it is. If it wasn't for the abundance of flashbacks, I likely would have given this outing 3 stars. It makes for a fine goodbye for creator and runner Don Coscarelli.

2.5 STARS

TENEBRAE IS EASILY MY PERSONAL FAVORITE ARGENTO FILM

 Argento's most well-crafted mystery. In Tenebrae (Ten-Eh-Bray), famed mystery-horror novelist Peter Neal (Anthony Franciosa) stops in Rome during a press tour for his newest novel, named Tenebrae. Unfortunately, a crazed killer obsessed with Neal and his book commences a killing spree while he's there, targeting beautiful, young women. Naturally, Neal is brought on by the police to help investigate and soon both him and the police are trapped in an ever-spiraling web of murder, obsession, and madness.

Tenebrae's score (by Claudio Simonetti, Fabio Pignatelli, and Massimo Morante) is just about perfection. It's very synth-y, and very rock-and-roll. The directing and script by Dario Argento are masterful. The story is very twisty, and the end reveal is just about impossible to predict. The cinematography by Luciano Tovoli is perfect as well (Some gorgeous tracking shots, and impressive camera movements and angles).

Tenebrae might be Argento's bloodiest film (the amount of blood on display here was honestly, shocking.), and it's definitely the one that most enjoys playing mind games with its viewers. There's some creative, cool kills, and a decent amount of beautiful, naked women (mostly in the first act). The film also features a nice twist where it's not so much our protagonist who becomes obsessed with solving the case, but the killer who is obsessed with our protagonist. It's also refreshing that Tenebrae isn't afraid to delve into the psyche's of both our "hero" and the killer.

Tenebrae is a film that is purposefully confusing and dizzying (It also has some fun silliness at times, Argento was definitely enjoying himself here). It's filled with ambiguity, and even when the film ends viewers might still be left with some questions. Tenebrae is easily one of Argento's finest, most memorable, and most impressive films (It's also one of his most complex). It doesn't hurt that it's an absolute blast as well!

5 STARS

DEEP RED/PROFONDO ROSSO IS ARGENTO'S INFLUENTIAL MASTERPIECE

 In Deep Red (or Profondo Rosso), talented pianist Marcus Daly (David Hemmings) witnesses a horrific murder and soon becomes obsessed with solving the crime on his own. His investigation leads him to an abandoned "haunted" mansion with a mysterious past that seems connected to a murder involving a young child.

Deep Red is easily one of Dario Argento's best. The suspense is rich and constant. The score (by The Goblins and Giorgio Gaslini) is perfection: It's jazzy, reminiscent of rock-and-roll, creepy, synthy and weird at times as well. It's easily one of The Goblins' best work and is extremely memorable.

The cinematography by Luigi Kuveiller is superb as well (lots of sweeping, zooming tracking shots. The abandoned "haunted" mansion set is gorgeous too). The directing by Argento is masterful. There is not as much goofiness as there is in other Italian horror films, and Deep Red takes itself fairly seriously while still finding time to show its audience a good time. There are some gorgeous visuals, good blood/gore effects and nice kills, but the focus here is more-so on suspense and story.

This film does suffer from a bit of sexism (Though it is an important attribute of our protagonist, and the film doesn't seem to side with him on his views) and an abrupt ending, but overall it's still a fantastic, fun, engrossing watch. Deep Red likely influenced Halloween and Dressed To Kill (In turn, Deep Red was likely influenced by the works of Alfred Hitchcock. It has a Columbo-esque vibe a good deal of the time, and it also features one of the creepiest doll scenes in film). It's an important, entertaining, and super-memorable film that should be a part of every horror fans must-see list.

5 STARS

BOB TAKES A DIARRHEA DUMP ON THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY

 In The House By The Cemetery, after a colleague is murdered, Dr. Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco), moves him and his family (His wife, Lucy Boyle, portrayed by Katherine MacColl and his son, Bob, portrayed by Giovanni Frezza) into the house his colleague was studying so he can finish the research. It isn't long before spooky goings-ons occur and the family find their lives in immediate danger.

The House By The Cemetery is a cult film. It's considered part of The Gates of Hell trilogy, though it isn't about the gates of Hell in any way. The film is a mixture of the haunted house genre, the slasher genre, and has some elements of The Shining. The gore/blood effects are good, and the house at the center of the film is super-cool (Honestly, I wouldn't mind staying in the house for a week or so). The house is implied to have a mysterious backstory, but we never learn it or the history of the Freudsteins (the monsters stalking the house). The design for Dr. Freudstein is very cool, but looks kind of fake.

Catriona MacColl and Paolo Malco act as our adult leads, and they are fine. Their plots are interesting enough, and it's MacColl's presence that is the only connection to the previous films in the trilogy. Ania Pieroni is gorgeous as Ann, but is given nothing to do.

Unfortunately, the nail in the coffin for this film is the character of Bob (Giovanni Frezza). Fucking Bob! He's a telepathic kid that acts as the central character for the film. His dubbing is ear-bleedingly bad (It's like puberty hit the kid hard. He sounds like the child from Vivarium), his dialogue is awful, and he's altogether useless. Bob is easily one of the worst child characters I've seen in a film (You know it's bad when I'm actively rooting for the little shit to bite it in the goriest way possible). House also has a 2nd annoying telepathic kid character: Mae, as played by Silvia Collatina.

Is House By The Cemetery worth a stay? I'd say not really, it's certainly super disappointing when you compare it to The Beyond and The City of The Living Dead. House By The Cemetery isn't awful...it also isn't really good either. As is, it's only a little better than ok. Cut out the Bob character, and the film would have been exponentially better.

2.5 STARS

THE BLACK CAT IS AN UNDERRATED GEM FROM LUCIO FULCI

 A Black Cat is stalking around a small Italian village, causing numerous deaths. A weird psychic (Patrick Magee) might be involved in some way as well. An American journalist (Mimsy Farmer) visiting the village catches wind of the murders and decides to investigate along with a Scotland Yard detective (David Warbeck).

Lucio Fulci is an insane genius. Imagine if someone took heavy amounts of mind-altering substances and then decided to adapt Edgar Allen Poe's The Black Cat. This is essentially what you would get. The film is delightfully bonkers. Surprisingly, it gets most of the beats of Poe's story correct while stull finding enough space to add in some madness.

Patrick Magee is the best actor here. He is completely magnetic and creepy, just his mere presence is enough to captivate you. The gothic mansion he lives in and the cellar underneath are gorgeous and feel like they have been ripped right out of Poe's imagination. There's not as much visual style, or blood and gore. Instead, this film is completely committed to making you feel like someone slipped a drug into your cocktail. When the full details of the plot emerge, it's hard not to feel like you've gone a little crazy yourself (in a good way).

The Black Cat is easily one of Fulci's most insane, wacked-out films. It's also one of his best.

 4 STARS

DARIO ARGENTO FIRST TAKES FLIGHT WITH THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE

 Sam Dalmas (Tony Musante), a struggling American writer visiting Italy happens to witness an assault on a woman. She survives, but he's pulled into the investigation by the police, who confiscate his passport so he won't be able to flee. It isn't long before he's become obsessed with finding the killer, bringing his/her wrath on both him and his Italian girlfriend Julia (Suzy Kendall).

Dario Argento's directorial debut remains one of his best works. It establishes themes he would continue to explore with Deep Reed (or Profondo Rosso). Plumage is definitely expertly directed, and Argento plays with camerawork a good deal here (with assistance from cinematographer Vitorrio Storaro). This film plays host to some of Argebto's most memorable scenes including an elevator death (where the killer slashes out at the audience ala Psycho. Argento was most clearly influenced by Hitchcock in his early work), and one where someone falls to their death, among others. The score by master Ennio Morricone is sweet as well, managing to be pretty creepy and establishing the tone for the film throughout.

The mystery here is intriguing, and you can't help but feel yourself pulled deeper into the intrigue and mystique along with our protagonist. That said, the plot does stretch believability at times. I didn't buy Sam's obsession with the crime, and it's hard to believe that the police would encourage a layman to play detective. There is also a surprising lack of blood or gore, as the focus is purely on building suspense and mystery, and messing a little bit with audience's minds. This film takes itself pretty seriously, despite some unintended silliness here and there. Plumage also looks consistently pretty, and it's hard not to find yourself falling under it's spell.

In the end, while I can't say that The Bird With The Crystal Plumage is the best giallo or even Argento's best work, it is still a very memorable, fun, and freaky film.

4.5 STARS

PHANTASM 3: LORD OF THE DEAD IS DOA

Mike and Reggie's quest to vanquish the Tall Man hits a snag when Mike is kidnapped by The Tall Man and Reggie is left to give chase. Along the way, he encounters some of the most annoying and insufferable supporting characters to ever assault your eyeballs.

This film sucks. Reggie (Reggie Bannister) and Mike (A. Michael Baldwin) aren't bad-asses anymore, and more often than not are caught with their pants down. the nun-chuck wielding Rocky (Gloria Lynne Henry, who can't act her way out of a paper bag) and sharpshooter Tim (Kevin Connors, who is an annoying kid that the film basically tries to turn into the new Mike) are pretty bad as new members of Mike and Reggie's team. There's also a gang of thieves that are insufferable and act as secondary antagonists for our group. The film does Reggie a disservice by making him incompetent and constantly in the mood for love (He's always trying to bang Rocky, and it's pretty embarrassing for him).

It's nice to have A. Michael Baldwin and Bill Thornbury reprise their roles as Mike and Jody, respectively. Unfortunately, they aren't in the film much (for one, Jody spends pretty much the entirety of the film trapped inside one of The Tall Man's balls), and both are given little to do. Surprisingly, Bill Thornbury is the coolest one here.

Angus Scrimm is back once again as The Tall Man, and he does a significantly better job than he did in Phantasm 2. He gets to say "BOY!" again, and is imposing and freaky. The film does go for a more odd, surreal tone (with plenty of nice, creepy, surreal visuals) that is closer to the original Phantasm.

Unfortunately, the ending feels very slapdash. Phantasm 3 doesn't really feel like it had an end destination in mind, and comes across as uninspired for the most part (despite an explanation for the dwarves, the balls, and The Tall Man that makes some sense).

In the end, Phantasm 3 is an enormous disappointment that wastes it's talented returning cast and the good will the series had built up till now. I'm going to have to say this one is a hard skip.

1.5 STARS

LET'S RE-VISIT JENNIFER'S BODY

Jennifer's Body follows Jennifer; a smokin hot cheer captain type; and her semi-nerdy BFF (or as they call themselves "Biffs") Needy (Amanda Seyfried). After a particularly crazy night at a bar, Jennifer is abducted by a hot boy band. A few hours later, she shows back up at Needy's house covered in blood. It isn't long after that that Jennifer begins her new diet consisting of unsuspecting teenaged boys.

Jennifer's Body is entertaining, but not all that good. Jennifer's Body is a film that sells itself as edgy, sexy, cool, stylistic, and funny. While it has each of those elements to different degrees, it doesn't fully succeed at any of them (Plus the final demon bite twist is pure and total insulting horse shit that comes across as lazy). 

It's definitely more funny than it is anything else, although some of the jokes fall flat (especially the tampon joke that sucks all the air out of an otherwise cool moment). The worst things about Jennifer's Body is that it's not as sexy and bloody/gory as it could be (which is very frustrating). We get plenty of Megan Fox in hot clothing, and there is some bloodshed, but it's just not enough for any die hard horror hound (easily the bloodiest/goriest scene is Jennifer reaching into one of her victim's corpses and pooling his blood into her mouth. We never really get to see her rip into a boy, the closest we get is an extended shadow shot/scene). 

Megan Fox fits the role of Jennifer well enough. Amanda Seyfried is great as Needy, our lead. Johnny Simmons is great as well and quite likable as Needy's boyfriend Chip. They make for a cute couple. The film focuses on the relationship between Needy and Jennifer, and their growing rivalry. It approaches it realistically, which is nice. Adam Brody steals the few scenes he's in as the leader of an evil indie boy band.

In the end, Jennifer's Body is a film that desperately wants to be a cool, edgy, sexy, stylistic, humorous horror film but it tries too hard in some areas  and doesn't try hard enough in others. It's a fun, entertaining flick that could have been/should have been great, but it doesn't leave much of a mark in the end. To steal a line from my earlier review: It's basically Juno in a Halloween costume (I will say it's definitely better than Juno though).

2 STARS

PHANTASM 2'S GOT BALLS

 Ok folks, time for an announcement. This year, I will be reviewing ALL of the Phantasm sequels, and deciding if any are worth your time. Seeing it's October first, I figured why not start the month off right with the first installment of my Phantasm sequel series.

In Phantasm 2, a 19 year old Mike (now played  by James LeGros, who is around 26 years old and looks it) is released from a psychiatric hospital, and not a moment too soon as The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) has been ravaging small towns across the U.S. . Mike teams back up with his old pal Reggie (Reggie Bannister), and armed with some homemade weapons, they set out to hunt down The Tall Man and his minions. Along for the ride are Liz (Paula Irvine), whose hometown is the target of The Tall Man's next killing spree, and the sizzling hot Alchemy (Samantha Phillips), a hitchhiker whom Mike and Reggie pick up on their quest.

James LeGros takes a little getting used to as Mike (He doesn't look quite right for the role imo), but ultimately makes for an acceptable replacement. Reggie Bannister is as cool and charismatic as ever. Both of our leads have great chemistry and come across as total bad-asses.  Their weapons of choice are pretty nifty and include a hand-crafted flamethrower and a cobbled together 4 barrel shotgun (FUCK YEAH! It's nice to see our heroes take a more proactive approach this time around). 

This film was clearly made on a higher budget, and it shows. The effects are of a higher quality. Some of the practical/creature effects are impressive and gross, though they don't exactly feel like something you would find in a Phantasm film (Maybe more like what you would find in a Nightmare on Elm Street film). The score isn't quite as good as the first Phantasm's, but still works for this sequel. There is also some comedy in this outing, and there are a few nut shots thrown in.

There is more of a focus on action in this one. There are two explosions within the first 20 minutes of the flick, and most of the film centers around Mike and Reggie's efforts to track down the Tall Man. Don Coscarelli returns to write and direct, and does a bang-up job once again. There are some surreal images here, but for the most part the dream-like atmosphere the first film had is gone. This didn't bother me, but I could see how it might be a turnoff for some.

There are some new things added in the sequel. For starters, Mike now has new telepathic powers that both The Tall Man and Liz use to communicate with him. It's an odd choice that doesn't really feel like it belongs here. It honestly feels like something pulled out of Friday The 13th Part 7: The New Blood. 

The balls make a return here, and are given some nifty new tricks as well as a secondary purpose that feels a little odd. The Tall Man also receives some new henchmen. He gets some creepy new tall assistants (that kind of look like the butlers at The Haunted Mansion). There are also some "Gravers"  (who wear gasmasks, pretty cool design) who exist solely to dig the corpses out of their graves and deliver them to the mortuary. 

The Tall Man has more lines in this outing, but they aren't as memorable and he isn't as imposing or as intimidating. He's still a good villain though.  Liz is pretty cute, but it's Alchemy who steals some scenes with her cool name and smoking hot bod. She shares a romance with Reggie (Who is more than a little old for her, but whatever), and the sex scene they share together is pretty cool (Alchemy definitely needs to be tamed).The ending this time around is neat, but the final twist doesn't feel right and comes across as something Coscarelli threw in only because the first film had a final twist too. 

In the end, Phantasm 2 is the rare sequel that is just about as good/great as the original was...just in different ways. If you love 80s horror films or some bad-ass action (and some good comedy), you'll be sure to enjoy this 2nd outing. Phantasm 2 successfully continues the story of Mike, Reggie, and The Tall Man. It's certainly not perfect, but it is a ton of no-holds-barred fun!  Check it out!

4 STARS

MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D

 Harry Warden's back, and this time he's going to make you remember his name!

In the remake of My Bloody Valentine, Disaster strikes the small town of Harmony when Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles), The son of the owner of the local Hanniger Mine, forgets to bleed the lines one day, leading to a catastrophic cave in. The lone survivor, Harry Warden, goes mad and kills his fellow miners to stay alive. After being rescued, Warden goes into a coma. A year later, on Valentine's day, he awakens and goes on a killing spree. 

Harry eventually winds back up at the mine where Tom, Axel (Kerr Smith), Tom's gf Sarah (Jaime King), and a bunch of local kids are having a party. When Harry shows up, Tom's friends  abandon him to fight Harry on his own. Luckily, the sheriff (Tom Atkins) and local police arrive before Harry can deliver the killing blow and chase Harry deep into the mine. A traumatized Tom leaves town, returning 10 years later (ironically, near Valentine's day) to sell off his father's old mine only to find Sarah has moved on, marrying Axel (who has become the new sheriff) and now has a kid with him. Worse, Harry Warden reappears and starts his killing spree again.

Jensen Ackles makes for a great leading man, He is likable, cool, and his backstory just flat out ROCKS!  Jaime King also makes for a bad-ass leading lady. She can hold her own in a fight (except in one scene where she is given a gun and instead of using it, chooses to just stand there and watch while our villain and another character duke it out. What up with that?), and is also very likable. Surprisingly, you could argue that she is the real lead of the film, which is a nice switch from the original. Chris Carnel plays our lead villain when he is in is full miner get-up, and is very intimidating (it's all about the posture!). His costume is striking, cool, and memorable. 

As for our supporting cast, we get the always bad-ass Tom Atkins as James Burke,  the ex-sheriff of Harmony who hides some secrets of his own. This is one of Atkins' meatier roles as of late, and he very much so impresses. It's always good to see a horror icon back on screen. Betsy Rue plays Irene, a local woman sleeping with a trucker (played by the film's co-screenwriter Todd Farmer. The ladies get an ass shot from him). She isn't in the film long, but is memorable for her doing her whole extended scene totally nude (NICE!). Megan Boone plays Megan, a kind and friendly woman (close friends with Sarah) whom Axel has been having an affair with and has inadvertently impregnated. Megan isn't given a whole lot to do, but she is still fine here. Kevin Tighe plays Ben Foley, a tired and retired member of the local police. He is close friends with James Burke, and shares a dark secret with him. His last scene is fantastic and memorable (as is his last line in the film).

My Bloody Valentine is directed by Patrick Lussier, and he does a fine job. The film has a distinctive visual style (thanks to cinematographer Brian Pearson), and looks consistently crisp, clean, and sharp. This is a remake, so there are nods aplenty to the original (There is a recreation of the coat hanger room scene, the laundry kill reveal, and the opening massacre at the mine is reminiscent of the ending to the original. The makers of this film clearly have a love for the original classic.). Luckily, this is one remake that isn't content to just copy-and-paste from it's predecessor. Oh no, this flick is quite different from the one that came before (One minor example is changing the town's name. Honestly, I much prefer the name of Valentine Bluffs, which is catchy and more memorable).

One of the best parts of this remake (and one of the best changes made) is the opening segment. In the original, we start out in present day and eventually segue into a flashback that explains the backstory for the flick. Here, we jump right into things, with the first 15 minutes being the original massacre of Harry Warden. This is a very smart move as it opens the remake with a memorable, pulse-pounding bang!

Another change made is, whereas in the original where the plot is fairly simple and straightforward, here we get an over-abundance of plot and quite a few twists, turns and reveals along the way. During the first hour, we get a lot of plot thrown at us and it honestly feels like too much. This makes the romantic triangle between Sarah, Tom (another change I felt was unneeded. Why change TJ into Tom?), and Axel significantly weaker. The original had an innovative approach to the romantic plot, here it's pretty much played straight-forward (but still fairly tense). There is a bit of melodrama here. Some parts feel a little soap opera-y, and not in a good way.

One thing this remake has that the theatrical cut of the original did not (Still need to seek out the uncut version of the original, btw) is lots of gnarly, delicious kills. There is some noticeable (and distracting) CGI, but there's a good deal of practical effects used. The kills here are quite memorable, and quite a few scenes are refreshingly tense (like the supermarket scene, which is a stand-out!). Thankfully, the big reveal/twist here actually makes more sense than it did in the original and the big finale and ending are pretty cool.

My Bloody Valentine was a 3D release, and is notable for being the first R rated film to be projected in RealD 3D. This is where the noticeable CGI comes into play. It's pretty obvious this flick was made to be seen in 3D, as there are many, many shots where things penetrate the screen or point out at the audience (Tree branches, a shotgun, pick axes, blood, spit, and more!). It's pretty distracting most of the time, and only detracts from what is an otherwise very cool flick. I haven't seen the 3D version in a while, and I'm not sure how watching the film with the red-and-blue glasses would mesh with the cool visual aesthetic of the film. The 3-D version seems to still be available on DVD and Blu-ray (pretty sure for the 3D Blu-ray you need a 3D TV...so that sucks), so it might be worth a watch that way. If I do manage to see the 3D version again, you can be sure I'll update this review with my thoughts.

In the end, the remake of My Bloody Valentine is  superior to the theatrical cut of the original classic. The kills are better, the characters are more fleshed out, the visual aesthetic is cool, and most of the changes they made were for the better. It's very cool, very memorable, and has more than enough to satisfy most horror hounds. It makes for a fun watch around Valentine's Day, or any day of the year. This is one remake worth losing your heart over!

3.5 STARS

LET'S GO TO CANADA WITH MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)

 Canadian accents and ripped out hearts await you in My Bloody Valentine. 

The small town of Valentine Bluffs suffers a tragedy when one of their mines collapses with a bunch of mines inside. Rescuers dig for 6 days, but are only able to find a lone survivor: A  miner named Harry Warden who has gone mad and resorted to eating his fellow miners to stay alive. Needless to say, he is shipped off to a psychiatric hospital. A year later, he returns and murders the two supervisors responsible for the collapse before disappearing back into the ether, but not before leaving an ultimatum: The town must never celebrate Valentine's Day again, lest they suffer Harry Warden's wrath. Now, 20 years later the town throws caution to the wind and decides to throw a Valentine's dance. It isn't long before bodies start to pile up. Is it Harry Warden, or a copycat?

The plot of My Bloody Valentine isn't bad, and the backstory for Harry Warden is cool (though he seems like one of your more reasonable crazed killers). Unfortunately, the characters aren't all that well fleshed out and are hard to get invested in (They are still likable though). 

Paul Kellman looks and acts cool as TJ, a miner who returns to Valentine Bluffs after an absence of several years (It's briefly alluded to early on that he had attempted to make a life on the West Coast). His old girlfriend Sarah (Lori Hallier) is now dating Axel (Neil Affleck), who used to be a good friend of TJ's. Naturally, this creates a love triangle between the three. The triangle is one of the focal points of the film, and it's actually not weak or all that romantic, but is instead pretty tense and filled with toxic masculinity (a nice twist on the usual shmaltzy love triangle subplot). TJ and Axel both act like immature kids, but are still somewhat likable. 

Alf Humphries as Howard (the goofball) and Cynthia Dale as Patty are by far the worst characters in the film. The flick really plays up Howard's goofiness to the point where you just want to sock him one. Patty is fine for most of the film, but in the third act she becomes a whimpering girl literally immobilized by fear. You wish that our leads would just leave her to die. 

Keith Knight is very good as the friendly Hollis, who has one hell of a memorable mustache. Don Francks plays the Sherriff, who has a questionable morality as he is more than willing to cover up the truth about the recent murders so the dance can continue, until things get out of hand, that is.

The kills in the film are ok. I like the idea of ripping out someone's heart and placing it in a valentine's box...but unfortunately we don't get any kill shots. By far, the best kill in the entire film is the coat room/shower room kill. The mine is also a good setting, and they manage to include a fun mine train ride that takes our characters deep into the mine in the third act. 

The ending of My Bloody Valentine doesn't exactly sink the film, but it doesn't help things either. The big reveal isn't necessarily bad, but the explanation leaves much to be desired and feels poorly thought out and lazy. The final scene is kind of cool, but still leaves a bit of a sour taste in the mouth.

In the end, My Bloody Valentine isn't a great movie but it ain't exactly bad either. The most memorable things about it are the character of Harry Warden, his backstory, the toxic love triangle, and the mine. It's worth a watch for horror completionists.

3 STARS

EDIT: The unrated cut makes for a significantly more enjoyable and fun watch as we get a lot more blood, gore, and kill shots. It's not enough to raise the rating, but it is enough to make My Bloody Valentine a much more memorable watch.

THE CRAZIES (1973)

 An underrated masterpiece from George Romero. It's NOT a zombie movie, more of a plague film. When a plane carrying a biological weapon codenamed 'Trixie' goes down near a small town (Trixie turns those exposed to it into psychotic madmen), the weapon is leaked into the town's water supply. The military is sent in to contain the situation, but their over-reaction threatens to only make things exponentially worse. As citizens fight back and the infection spreads among soldiers and laymen alike, it soon becomes almost impossible to tell who is actually one of "the crazies'.

In The Crazies we follow the military leaders, the soldiers mindlessly following orders, a team of scientists tasked with finding a cure, and a small group of survivors led by an ex- Green Beret Vietnam vet turned member of the VFD and his pregnant wife. The acting is pretty tops all around. Will McMillan as the ex-Green Beret David, Lane Carrol as his wife Judy, Harold Wayne Jones as David's best friend Clank, Harry Spillman as Major Ryder, Richard France as Dr. Watts, and Lloyd Hollar as Col. Peckham are all great. It's nice that the antagonists in the film (Major Ryder and Col. Peckham) aren't just evil, sinister figures but are clearly distraught over their choices and have a good deal of humanity injected into them. While there is a good deal of carnage, the effects aren't all that great and the blood looks pretty fake (almost like ketchup).

The Crazies is clearly influenced by social issues in society during the Vietnam War including distrust of the Govt./military/authority/military over-reach, mob mentality, and the terrifying effects of fear and paranoia. George Romero set out to make a film that comments on social issues of the time while being unique, different, and refreshingly dark. He succeeded. The Crazies is definitely a film that will stick with you due to it's rich, superb, tasty themes and the well-built characters within it. A must-see!

5 STARS

IT'S TIME TO GET STRANDED WITH HARPOON

 In Harpoon, we follow three terrible friends: There's Jonah (Munroe Chambers, who previously played the lead in Turbo Kid), a middle-class loser, Richard (Christopher Gray), a rich asshole with a violent temper, and Sasha (Emily Tyra), the nursing student who is trapped playing the role of peacemaker. When the three decide to scatter Jonah's parent's ashes at sea and party along the way, their yacht stalls in the middle of the ocean. It isn't long before they are at each other's throats. Their friendship will be tested as they must try to survive each other long enough for help to arrive. Brett Gelman (Murray in Stranger Things) steps in to provide some entertaining narration throughout.

Harpoon (which gets its title from the spear-gun Jonah buys Richard for his birthday. It doesn't play as big a part of the proceedings as you think it would) is an ultra-dark comedy that has horror and thriller elements. The film is consistently funny and disturbing. It should come as no surprise that each of our protagonists/antagonists is a terrible person in different ways. Most of the fun comes from the numerous twists and turns throughout, learning each person's numerous secrets, and watching the three turn on each other in increasingly vicious, nasty and violent ways.

Harpoon is directed and written by Rob Grant, and he excels at both. The script is very punchy and well-made, and the directing is top-notch. Each of our protagonists/antagonists are well cast, and are entertaining and fun to watch. It's also cool that various nautical superstitions play a role in the proceedings.

Running at a swift 82 minutes, Harpoon doesn't waste a second of your time. It's incredibly entertaining, dark, and funny. You likely will find it hard to really sympathize with any of the characters, but that's kind of the point. Harpoon is schadenfreude at its finest. Throw on a life vest and dive in!

4 STARS

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

The 2006 remake of Black Christmas essentially follows the plot of the original classic. A group of sorority sisters find themselves holed up in their sorority house when they begin receiving lewd phone calls, and the girls begin to be picked off one-by-one. When it was first released, Black Christmas (2006) received largely negative reviews, but with last year's Black Christmas remake, I figured it was time to look back at this forgotten horror flick and see if it really is as bad as people claimed it was.  

Well, at least this remake is trying to be a Black Christmas movie, and it does attempt some different things with middling results. It's certainly very stylistic, and it feels more like a bottle film. Most of the film takes place in the house, and it feels quite claustrophobic. It also tries to create an origin story for Billy and Agnes, but it just doesn't feel right and doesn't work.

There is a lot of blood and gore in this remake, but the kills aren't memorable or creative (Plus, you don't see much. This is a film where they use the bag-over-the-head from the original 6 times!). Our leads are forgettable, interchangeable and bland as well (I had trouble remembering their names), not to mention it never feels like we really have a main character here. (Maybe Billy and Agnes, but they are villains).

The villain design is very weak, it looks like Billy and Agnes are wearing masks most of the time (although they aren't supposed to be). It doesn't help that Billy isn't in this much.  For most of the film, Agnes is the one doing the killing. Billy does get a great entrance near the end though. In the end, Black X-Mas (2006) is a bad film, but it is entertaining (to a degree) and at least it's trying. It's a well-meaning but heavily flawed horror flick.

1 STAR

THE WRETCHED

 17-year old Vicodin ex-junkie Ben (John Paul-Howard) is visiting his estranged father for the summer. While working for his dad at the dock, Ben meets spunky, cute Mallory (Piper Curda) and a friendship is immediately formed. All is not fun in the sun, as Ben begins to suspect all is not right with the mom next door. As kids in the neighborhood start to vanish and be forgotten by their families, Ben investigates and finds himself in the fight for his life with an evil witch.

The Wretched, if it had a rating, would likely be an R. There is some blood and gore (There's not much, but it's there), and there's some light body horror sprinkled in as well. That said, the horror aspect is decent but not the strongest part of the film.

For myself, I was most attracted to the light, breezy, fun tone that The Wretched has for most of its first two acts (It definitely reminded me of Disturbia in its tone, but better). Our hero, Ben, is very likable and relatable (Imo actor John-Paul Howard is the best part of the film). It's also nice that The Wretched doesn't shy away from it's more grotesque moments. There are some parts near the end that don't exactly feel organic, and there's a nice twist that isn't needed but is appreciated. The implications of the ending aren't really explained, and there are some plot holes/conveniences that occur. The design of the witch is also quite cool.

The Pierce Brothers write and direct, and do a fine job at both. The script is pretty good and a little snappy at times, and the film itself flows pretty well. I'm looking forward to whatever they choose to do next.

The Wretched is a lot of fun, and manages to be creepy, a little disturbing and gross, but is never too scary. If I had kids, I could see myself using this as a decent gateway into horror. In the end, The Wretched is a very entertaining, fun film that makes for an easy recommendation.

3.5 STARS

SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK WANTS TO TELL YOU A STORY

 Better late than never, I suppose.

In Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark, the year is 1968, and the setting is a small town named Mill Valley in Pennsylvania. On Halloween night, a group of friends (Zoe Margaret Colletti as Stella, Michael Garza as Ramon, Austin Zajur as Chuck, Gabriel Rush as Auggie, and Natalie Ganzhorn as Ruthie) break into an old haunted house while trying to escape from some bullies. Once inside, they stumble across a diary by Sarah Bellows, the town urban legend and alleged evil witch. When Stella takes the diary home and begins reading the stories within, her and her friends find themselves becoming the stars of new stories that Sarah has written just for them. As her friends slowly begin to be absorbed within their respective tales (disappearing as a result), Stella and what remains of her gang will have to find a way to end the stories and stop Sarah's wrath.

Surprisingly, this is actually a pretty cool flick. It's set in 1968 on Halloween and the days immediately following said holiday. The characters we follow have minimal development, but the focus here is on the scares, the creatures, and a surprising mystery involving a long-dead supposed witch who is responsible for penning the titular book, as well as a rash of child murders.

Our leads are all likable enough (with my favorite being Austin Zajur as Chuck), the atmosphere is rich at times, the creature designs are super-cool and freaky, and the film manages to be very creepy (My favorite portion was the one with Harold the Scarecrow). It's certainly odd that the flick wasn't released closer to the haunting season, as Scary Stories makes for a perfectly acceptable Halloween-time watch. There's also a last minute message that feels shoe-horned in but is still timely and appreciated.

Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark is definitely one of the better PG-13 horror films. It's guaranteed to freak out it's teen demographic and will undoubtedly get them talking (I foresee many late night spooky story sessions inspired by the film). Scary Stories will also likely get kids to grab copies of the titular Scary Stories book series the film was adapted from and inspired by. I know if I saw this when I was a teen, it would have easily become one of my new jams. Yes, that's a recommendation.

3.5 STARS

SMALLS GO FOR A RIDE WITH JOE KEERY IN SPREE

 In Spree, we follow 23 year old Kurt Kunkle (Joe Keery), an attractive and likable young man with dreams of social media stardom. He works as a ride share driver for an Uber/Lyft-esque company called Spree. Kurt seems like a good enough guy, but he hides a darker side. In reality, Kurt is actually a psychopath who has decided to live-stream a murder spree where he kills anyone unlucky enough to step into his ride. He does so in an attempt to acquire more watchers/followers, and we tag along for the ensuing insanity.

Spree is a story told almost completely from the POV of cell phone cameras, as well as some dashboard, mounted, and security cams. It's a harsh commentary on the surface culture world we live in, and it comments on this culture via a new inductee to this style of life (Kurt). Most of the people being axed off are completely unlikable jerks, and it's not hard to root for their imminent demise. 

As stated previously, Joe Keery as Kurt is a very likable and magnetic presence. While he isn't all that different from his victims, he's still far more charming than any of them are (take one scene where he shows his clear hatred and intolerance for racists). Kurt has some depth to his character. He comes from a broken home consisting of a loser, junkie father who moonlights as a DJ (David Arquette) and a "star-fucker" mom. All he wants is to be seen, a common desire for most youth and young adults of today. 

Kurt's negative aspects become clear when it's reveled that he doesn't care about any one but himself, only cares about getting as many watchers as possible, and has clear contempt for anyone who doesn't have a social media presence or isn't interested in that kind of lifestyle (He muses at one point while driving by a homeless camp that he can't understand why they don't care if any one sees them, and that he could drive over all of them and no one would notice.).

As the film progresses Kurt begins to take more and more of an interest in upcoming stand-up comedian Jessie Adams (Sasheer Zamata), who has a strong social media presence and whom he admires. Sasheer is sprinkled throughout the film, but her role gets beefed up during the last act. She is likable enough, and works well as a counter-point to Kurt. It is through her that the filmmakers state their views on and message about surface culture.

Spree is best described as a dark comedy. It's more funny than it is scary. The film definitely drags at odd points, and while it feels fresh enough to watch a story told through the pov of cell phones and live streams, the gimmick does kind of grow stale after a while (though there is a clear reason why the story is told this way, which is revealed in a 13th hour twist that was actually pretty sweet).

Spree stretches believability at moments, but it's a ton of fun while you're watching it. It's a fairly memorable movie, and Joe Keery comfortably carries the weight of the proceedings on his shoulders. The film is funny, scary, dark, disturbing, and surprisingly sad when all is said and done (We can see the good person Kurt could have been.). Spree is a flick that takes a harsh look at the surface obsessed culture we are all living in, and the appeal/allure it has to the people living within it. It's certainly not a great film, but it's definitely quite good, enjoyable, and fun. I'd say Kurt is a good choice for your next ride share driver, just...don't drink the water.

3.5 STARS

FRIGHT FEST COMMENCES WITH THE RAVEN

 Hello, and welcome to FRIGHT FEST. This year, we start things off right by entering the world of Edgar Allan Poe with The Raven.

In The Raven, we catch up with a washed-up, alcohol loving Poe (John Cusack) during the final weeks of his life. He is madly in love with the beautiful Emily Hamilton (Alice Eve), and plans on marrying her  Her father, Capt. Charles Hamilton (Brandon Gleeson) does not approve. Unfortunately for all involved, a gruesome rash of murders have been cropping up in Baltimore, and each seems to be modeled after a famed story by Poe. Inspector Emmet Fields (Luke Evans) and Poe team up in an attempt to catch the culprit. When Emily is kidnapped by the killer, the search to end the madness intensifies as it's only a matter of time until she becomes the next victim. 

An interesting mix of fact and fiction. The real draw is seeing Poe's classic stories brought to grisly life (and the film is quite grotesque at times despite a good deal of CGI being utilized) and getting to spend some time with the master himself. Unfortunately, the story that ties everything together isn't as strong as it should be, and the mystery at the heart of The Raven isn't really engaging or all that good.

Cusack is committed to his role as Poe and is great (though the film does play up his alcoholism a lot...sometimes for laughs, which doesn't sit well with me). Luke Evans is equally great as Inspector Emmet Fields, the determined and driven lead detective on the case. Oliver Jackson-Cohen (who most recently starred in The Haunting of Hill House and The Invisible Man) also pops up in a supporting role as John Cantrell, a cop assisting with the investigation.

The Raven does try to be meta at times, and while the effort is appreciated it never quite works. It is also frivolous and almost disrespectful in how it handles Poe's death (this definitely didn't sit well with me). The Raven is longer than it needs to be at an hour and fifty minutes, and it does drag at times but overall it's still a mostly entertaining, fun, cool little flick.

2.5 STARS