FRIGHT FEST: SMALLS IS ENTRANCED BY SUSPIRIA

In Suspiria, many strange events have been occurring surrounding a prestigious ballet academy in Freiburg. It may be up to young, naive American Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper); a newcomer to the academy, to solve the mystery.

There aren't many twists, turns or surprises in Suspiria (It's fairly easy to predict where it's all going). In fact, I wasn't scared at all. That said, what the film lacks in plot, characters, or scares it more than makes up for in cinematography, lighting, colors (There are constant, bloody reds and some soft, supernatural greens), and atmosphere. If there was ever a film deserving of a 4k remastering, this film would be it.

Jessica Harper is very pretty as our main lead, and everyone else does fine performances, but I'd dare say that Suspiria is very likely more so remembered for the above mentioned atmosphere, etc than for anything else. It all resembles a hypnotic, beautiful dream and while we sleepwalk through most of the film, the last 12 minutes are sure to wake you up as things go a bit off the rails.

The blood looks like Ketchup, and there is some unintended silliness at times, but Suspiria remains a classic example of visual storytelling and fantastic cinematography (Luciano Tovoli, who desrves a standing ovation).

3.5 STARS

SMALLS MAKES A NEW FRIEND IN MANNY WITH SWISS ARMY MAN

In Swiss Army Man, Hank (Paul Dano) takes a boat out to sea only to be stranded on a deserted island. After an undetermined amount of time, Hank decides there is no way he's going to be rescued and so makes up his mind to hang himself. Before he can go through with the deed, a body of a man (Daniel Radcliffe) washes up on shore. It isn't long before Hank realizes that the body is gifted with strange powers (among which are powerful farts), and that it may not be quite as dead as it seems (Has Hank started to hallucinate due to lack of food and water, or is something else even more strange and seemingly impossible going on?). Hank names it Manny, and begins to teach him about what it means to be alive. Together, they form a powerful bond and Manny begins to lead Hank back to civilization in his own, strange ways.

Swiss Army Man is the surreal, imaginative version of Cast Away (And Manny could be viewed as this film's version of Wilson). Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe are phenomenal here. They work together perfectly and you completely buy their budding bro-mance. The film is filled with odd, surreal, bizarre moments and manages to be quite uplifting most of the time, while still finding time to balance out these moments with bits of sadness and reflection. This may be Radcliffe's best role to date (possibly even surpassing his iconic turn as The Boy Who Lived). Although he plays a dead body with little to no movement, he is absolutely alive and electric here. If you thought it was all downhill after HP for this young, talented actor, Swiss Army Man offers strong evidence  that you couldn't be more wrong. Paul Dano does a fantastic job as well as the quirky, odd, might be losing his mind Hank. Despite his possible mania, Hank still manages to come across as quite intelligent and sympathetic. It's easy to root for these two to make it back to civilization (and for Manny to maybe regain his life and humanity)

Swiss Army Man is a film about finding the beauty in life, even in death. It's an inspiring, uplifting film that had me smiling a good deal. The soundtrack (by Andy Hull and Robert McDowell) is also extremely unique, imaginative, and original (You've never really heard anything quite like it). Directed and written by Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert (credited simply as Daniels), this is their feature writing/directing debut and it's quite impressive. I have no qualms with saying that these are two dudes we should maybe keep an eye on. Funny, touching, and refreshingly different, Swiss Army Man is a real winner and easily makes it to the top of the best films of 2016 (thus far).

5 STARS

SMALLS SPOILS THE SHIT OUT OF YOGA HOSERS

In Yoga Hosers, high school sophomores and BFFs Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp) and Colleen McKenzie (Harley Quinn Smith) are clerks working a 7-11-esque store in Canada called the Eh to Zed. In their off time they perform in their own amateur band and enjoy doing faux yoga (with the help of Justin Long as their instructor, Yogi Bayer).  When Andronicus Arcane (a hundred + year old Canadian Nazi played by Ralph Garman)) reappears with a dozen miniature minions named Bratzis (Kevin Smith) , it's up to the Colleens and Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp) to save their fair land and critics everywhere.

Both Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith actually do good jobs here, and Johnny Depp gets more mileage out of his tired Guy LaPointe character than he did in Tusk (He's nowhere near as grating, awful or annoying as he was in the previous film). Yoga Hosers is (surprisingly) a direct sequel to Tusk. We don't see any of the other characters from that film here (though some of the actors from that film are given roles here), but the events from that film are mentioned occasionally. Kevin Smith actually is chuckle-worthy at times as the Bratzis, and Ralph Garman is called upon to do celebrity impersonation after celebrity impersonation (His schtick gets old and grating). Even poor Stan Lee and Kevin Conroy (Batman from the animated series) do quick cameos here.

While it can be funny at times, Yoga Hosers can also be super annoying. A good example would be the Instagram spoof (Called Instacan....get it? Cuz we're in Canada) that keeps rearing it's head every few minutes during the first 30 minutes of the film. It's constant, annoying, is used for lazy exposition, and comes across like Kevin Smith (once again) lacks self control (a running theme in his more recent films). There's also A LOT of fake Canadian accents and the word 'boot keeps popping up (IT'S NOT FUNNY!!! STOP IT!!). The villain's main plan here involves using his Bratzi's to destroy every single critic in the world (or maybe just Canada, it's really not explained all that well) because they shunned earlier art he had made. Yes, it's clear that part of this film is Kevin Smith's attempt at a FUCK YOU to any critic that had looked down at his previous work (Yes, I belong to that group. Fuck you right back Smith). Guy LaPointe even says that the villain's plan isn't so bad because he's not going to be killing real people (Once again, fuck you Smith).

The bottom line is that Yoga Hosers is not a good film. It can be entertaining and funny at times, and our three main leads all do fine jobs, but a good deal of the material is still annoying and just not good. I imagine I'm not going to be quite as harsh on this film as other critics will be. The truth is, despite it's numerous flaws, I still enjoyed my time with Yoga Hosers (I found myself laughing more than I did not). This is more of an ultra-goofy, ultra-silly, ultra-campy comedy than anything else (Imagine Clerks starring phone-obsessed millenials and goofy monsters. It's Clerks, but also definitely isn't Clerks). You aren't supposed to take any of this film seriously, and that is (surprisingly) a plus.

1.5 STARS

I Definitely liked it more than Tusk

Lily-Rose Depp speaks French with her dad for one scene, and my heart went all aflutter. I LOVE the French language (So beautiful!).

FRIGHT FEST: SMALLS TRAVELS TO JERUZALEM

Sarah (Danielle Jadelyn) and her BFF Rachel (Yael Grobglas) decide to take a vacation to Tel Aviv. On the flight there they meet anthropologist wannabe Kevin (Yon Tumarkin), who convinces the girls to go with him to Jerusalem. Things take a turn for the worse when the third gate to hell opens in the city. The three find themselves in a fight for survival as they try to escape while the end of days commences.

First, the positives: Our three main leads are likable enough and actually resemble real human beings. They aren't douchbags or sluts (with the most likable one being Kevin) . It's also an interesting choice to film the whole thing with Google Glass, although the result is the film can feel like an advert for the product at times. I also like that the horror here is steeped in Jewish mythology, which is a different road I commend the film for taking (although not much is really done with this novel idea). Having been to a few destinations outside the U.S, I can say that JeruZalem captures how it feels to be exploring a foreign land. It's also appreciated that Danielle Jadelyn shows us her goods in one brief scene (wasn't expecting that).

Unfortunately, all the good will I had built up for this film just about evaporates during the last 30 minutes where things get stupid fast. Our heroes find themselves battling demon zombies via some bad CGI (and yes, this plague is contagious. *FACEPALM*). While it starts out promising enough, JeruZalem winds up descending into your typical dumb found footage horror film (with a complete lack of scares, tension or suspense and an abundance of shaky cam footage during the last act). If you're curious, I suppose it may be worth a watch but don't expect to remember it after the credits have rolled.

2 STARS

SMALLS' FRIGHT FEST BEGINS WITH X-RAY

In X-Ray, Susan (Barbi Benton) goes to a hospital for a routine check-up. Unfortunately, a psycho killer has targeted her as his main prey. Messing with her X-Rays so it looks like she has a life-threatening disease, Susan finds herself locked up in the hospital. As the bodies start to drop, she must find a way out or die.

All you need to know about this film is that it was made by Golan and Globus, who were the kings of bad films from 1979-1985. Indeed, X-Ray/Hospital Massacre/ Be My Valentine, Or Else/Ward 13 (Holy shit, this film has 4 different titles) is an awful, poorly made film, but in all the best ways. It's completely ridiculous and silly (For crying out loud, the filmmakers decided to dress a guy in a wig and try to pass him off as an elderly woman. Did they not have enough money to hire an elderly lady? Was the guy on set and they figured he could do just as good a job for less money? Seriously, WTF?). Barbi Benton is just about the only actor/actress here that does a decent job. She's amazingly beautiful, and isn't afraid to show us her goods. Honestly, I kind of want to see more of her films now. As for the movie itself, what it lacks  in suspense, tension and scares (I knew who the killer was going to be the first time he appeared on screen), it more than makes up for in pure, dumb, silly fun. I'd easily classify this as a great party film. Sit down with a group of your friends, switch it on, and have a ton of fun laughing at it and making fun of it.

1 STAR


FUN FACT: Barbi Benton was more well known for her involvement with Playboy than for her film and TV roles.

SMALLS GOES FOR A TREK IN THE BLACK HILLS FOREST WITH BLAIR WITCH

Blair Witch is a continuation of The Blair With Project. In 1994, Heather Donahue and her friends Joshua Leonard and Michael Williams trekked deep into the Black Hills Forest in Maryland for a documentary Heather was doing on Ellie Kedward aka The Blair Witch. They were never heard from again, but the footage they shot was recovered. Around 20 Years after Heather and crew vanished, a mysterious new video is discovered in The Black Hills Forest and uploaded to the internet. It shows a young woman frantically running through a house. James Donahue (Heather's younger brother, played by James Allen McCune)) has been keeping his eyes and ears open for any sign of his sister, and when he sees the new footage he becomes convinced that the house is the same house from the end of his sister's footage, and that the girl MUST be his sister. James' girlfriend Lisa (Callie Hernandez) is doing a documentary on him and his search for Heather. Together with their friends Peter (Brandon Scott) and Ashley (Corbin Reid), and with Burkittsville natives Lane (Wes Robinson) and Talia (Valorie Curry) leading the way, they decide to investigate The Black Hills Forest in search of that house and hopefully, Heather. Naturally, things don't go exactly as planned as the group find themselves traveling in Heather and friends' footsteps.

Blair Witch is directed by Adam Wingard and written by Simon Barrett (The duo behind such hits as You're Next and The Guest). They clearly have a great love for The Blair Witch Project, and are very knowledgable about The Blair Witch's rich backstory and mythology. The set-up is very cool, and when the characters go over the storied history of Ellie Kedward and her victims, the film doesn't get a single thing wrong. Blair Witch doesn't negate anything the original classic did, and actually adds a little bit to the mythology. As for the actors this time around, they all do a fine job (with my favorite character being James). Of course, I have to talk about The Blair Witch herself as well. She's more aggressive here and seems downright pissed. 

With the new technology we have today comes new forms of video recording equipment, which Blair Witch isn't afraid to use. We get over-the-ear-cameras (referred to as POV cams), webcams, drones, and hand-held video recorders. There is still a good deal of shaky cam here, but it's nice to get different angles and views instead of just relying on one source of video.

While The Blair Witch Project resembled an actual amateur documentary/student project, Blair Witch resembles more of a theatrical film. We see a bit more here than we did in the original, but a decent amount is still left in the shadows. Most of the film is pretty creepy, tense and weird but I honestly wasn't scared until the last act or so. For myself, I'd say I felt the first and last acts were the strongest parts of this film. While Blair Witch isn't as great as The Blair Witch Project was (and certainly won't have the impact the original did at the time it was released), this is still a faithful, fun, very cool, and worthwhile continuation of The Blair Witch Project. Blair Witch gets a solid recommendation from me, I'm sure fans of the original (like myself) will eat it up. 

3.5 STARS