Beetle counts down the reasons why The Twilight Series SUCKS

What do we get when we mix teen drama, emo acting, Dark colors, crappy special effects, and a total disregard for the vampire mythology??

We get TWILIGHT.

I'm well aware that this review will probably get me in quite a bit of hot water with all the rabid fan girls...but i honestly couldn't care less about what they think. Their the retards that are making this stupid, shitty series (Both book and movie) lots of money. Their opinion doesn't matter.

We all know the general story by now. Regular city girl moves to small "middle of nowhere" town and meets wierd emo troubled boy that ends up being a vampire. They fall in love, BLAH BLAH FRIGGITY BLAH.

With that out of the way lets delve into all the problems with the film AND the books. By the time I'm done with this review Twilight and its fans will never be the same again.

1.The Story

The story doesn't make sense. In what world would a chick get turned on by a creepy emo kid stalking her?? In the real world the kid would get a face full of mace. (There's one scene I wouldn't mind seeing in Twilight. Edward reacting to Bella emptying a can of mace in his face. He'd probably scream like a little bitch.) There's SOOO many things wrong with the story. Like Why Bella, obvioulsly a DUMB BITCh, when being repeatedly WARNED by Edward, would go try and save her mother, thus walking into what was a painfully obvious trap. Edward should not have fuckin wasted a second on saving that dumb bitch. OH, and that brings me yet to another scene that really stands out as PROOF that Twilight's story is BULLSHIT. The fake orgasm scene.

You heard me right, there is such a scene. Bella is bitten by one of the bad vamps and begins to moan,scream, and shake for all of us. It sounds and LOOKs like she's having an orgasm right there on the screen. HOW THE HELL WOULD THAT SCENE GET APPROVED BY ANYONE?? HOW DID ANYBODY NOT CATCH THAT?? It ends up being the only enjoyable part of the film because of just how ridiculous and laughable it is. Yes, you heard me correctly. I just said that Twilight is one of the films where you can't help but point and laugh at how stupid it is. Another good example of this: The sun scene...but we'll get to that later.

2. The FUCKIN Vamps.

So let's get one thing straight right now. Vampires CANNOT survive in Sunlight. If there's one thing that I cannot STAND ABOUT THAT STUPID BRAINLESS FUCKING BOOK AND FILM IT"S that They TOTTALY disregard everything that Vampire Mythology has set down in stone. Stephanie Meyers (The Dumb BITCH) basically gives the finger to Vampire Mythology and goes about re-writing The Vampire Mythology in her own retarded vision. In HER version of Vampire Mythology, Vampires sparkle like Fairies in the sun (No, not The Tinkerbell fairy), they can run super-fast, and One can read thoughts and see into the future. (Since when did Vampires get fucking super-powers???)

There's a scene where Edward steps out into sunlight and takes off his shirt...guess what!!! he glitters...no really, This shit is so ridiculous I can't make it up. It litterally writes itself. This is the main scene where I really lose all sense of self control. FUCKING VAMPIRES CANNOT SURVIVE IN SUNLIGHT!!!!!!!!! If retarded ass Edward ever did do that he'd wind up in a million tiny little Edward pieces. Not only does he glitter in the sun (via some shitty special effects no less, we'll get to that later though) but he can also run superfast while Bella rides Piggy-back (BULLSHIT LEVEL RISING), read peoples thoughts (DANGER: MAXIMUM BULLSHIT LEVELS REACHED), And his sister can SEE INTO THE FUTURE (MAXIMUM BULSHIT LEVELS EXCEEDED...DANGER...DANGER!!) So...basically Meyers Vampires and her mythology is a ridiculous, unbelievable and downright unrealistic view of Vampires and the powers they possess.

3. BELLA

Bella starts out as an almost normal girl (even though smart readers can instantly figure out that she's just your run of the mill dumb bitch...this is later fully proven in New Moon). She's obsessive over Edward and has absolutely NO COMMON SENSE. She would blindly follow Edward off a cliff...or a bridge, or a plane with no parachute...you get the picture. She puts ridiculous amounts of faith and trust in Edward just because he "Loves" her. For Most of Twilight she can be found, arms wrapped around Edwards ankles, begging him to turn her into a vampire. As retarded as Edward is, he is at least smnarter than Bella: He continually refuses. THEN, in New Moon when Edward finally leaves the dumb bitch Bella becomes suicidal and absolutely loses her frickin mind!! She starts hearing Edwards voice in her mind, and desperate to continue hearing his voice she does a bunch of stupid shit...like jumping off a cliff into Icy cold water. As I said...SUICIDAL.

As if this weren't bad enough there's another boy, Jacob, that she could easily start dating, but in denial that Edward really is gone (She keeps insisting that he'll come back because "HE LOVES HER"...dumb bitch). So even though Jacob and Bella do get along greatly she refuses to give him a chance because GOD FORBID she betray Edward that way. In fact, It's already been made clear that Edward would be fine with her seeing someone else..since, afterall...HE'S NEVER COMING BACK. God this series is stupid.

But anyways, Edward ends up becoming suicidal as well ( he was spying on her with his mind...yet another retarded super-power he has) having seen her (with his mind) jumping off the cliff. Feeling like it's kind of is his fault he bounces off to piss off some other vampires who will kill him. After a period of zero suspense Bella intervenes and saves Edward and they all live Happily ever after. and that's New Moon. At least Twilight the characters had some sense of reason and intellect. New Moon throws all that out the window. After New Moon I've vowed to never pick up another Twilight book again.

Back to the movie now...sorry, about the sidetrack.

4. The Special effects

Despite what the fans will say the speciel effects flatout sucked. The glitter in the sun was painful to watch, Edward runs in a blur (A poorly done blur), I could go on and on but don't want to waste anymore time...lets get to the last and FINAL reason why TWILIGHT SUCKS

5. The power it holds over it's fans (I'm talking to you, all you retarded emo fan girls)

Ever since Twilight came out more and more people have fallen victim to its power. I was one of those people originally. I first read Twilight in 9th grade and thought it was a good book, but eventually I was able to break free from its evil spell and see it for what it truelyis...a piece of shit. That's right TWILIGHT IS SHIT!!! For single guys ( like myself) finding a girl is much harder now. Most girls are obsessive over Twilight and their Precious Edward Cullen (I've read stories about how some will commit random acts of violence against people who don't see things their way). I've run into several rabid fangirls in my day, and the look they give me when I openly tell them that Twilight sucks is both scary and hilarious. Most girls see Edward Cullen as their true love and foolishly wait for him like Bella. HE'S NOT COMING!!! HE'S A FUCKING 3RD RATE CHARCTER IN A SHITTY BOOK. HE'S NOT REAL. GO DATE A REAL GUY FOR CHRISTS SAKE YOU BUNCH OF DUMB BITCHES. HOLY SHIT. This is why I say your opinion does not matter nor count nor is worth anything of value.

I believe that all copies of Twilight and it's proceeding books and movies should be burned along with Stephanie Meyers. The power they have over the fans and the quality of the movies and the books is disgusting. If I could put a lamia on one person and watch them get dragged to hell,it would be Spehanie Meyers. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD WRITER...YOU SUCK...GET A REAL FUCKING JOB AND STOPWRITING THOSE GOD AWFUL BOOKS!! And whoever thought that Twilight would make a good movie Franchise is just as bad as she is.

Oh yeah...and a closing comment...one I would be unable to forgive myself if I forgot to put it in here. Edward Cullen is a pussy. ALame Excuse for a Vampire...a wimp. I think that a better ending to Twilight would be if he was saving Bella as a meal for himself and at the end killed her and sucked her blood. Now that's the way TWilight SHOULD have ended.

There are millions of reasons why The Twilight Series sucks. I've only listed a few. I wrote this as a warning to aeveryone out there...STOP READING THE BOOKS AND SEING THE FILMS!!!

So my final rating for The Twilight film and the series itself is a very strong .5 stars (Half a Star). It's a FUCK YOU!! Oh, and PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT BUY TICKETS TO NEW MOON. IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF MEN TAKING OFF THEIR SHIRTS. CAN YOU SAY SOFTCORE PORN FOR GIRLS?? UGH.

If you don't believe me that Twilight is the worst of the worst...here's a few second opinions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvyrG1e3D5I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezguwvsN5A0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF5CViJQDpA&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y60Mj-A67WY&feature=related
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43130
http://my.spill.com/profiles/blogs/new-moon-audio-review

If you want anymore second opinions just look up Twilight Sucks on Youtube...you'll find lots more.