First, a few dishonorable mentions:
Ghostbusters- A remake that no one wanted or was looking forward to. It wasn't funny enough, relied too heavily on nostalgia, and failed to come up with a reason for existing. Worth a watch only for Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones
Assassin's Creed- Not a good movie, but also not a bad video game adaptation. The color palette is dark, grey, brown and murky. The world inside the Animus is given very little plot, characters or development (we only spend a maximum of 30 minutes in the Animus, probably less) while the real world (mostly inside an Abstergo facility) is given most of the film's plot, character and development (in other words, the exact opposite of an Assassin's Creed game). That said, this film does manage to accurately depict the world, backstory and some of the action of the games. The actors all do pretty decent jobs, with the best one being Marion Cotillard as the kind hearted head of The Animus project and the daughter of Abstergo CEO Alan Rikkin (Jeremy Irons). I actually gave a shit about her character. Fassbender and Irons both are fine, but ultimately not super memorable. Assassin's Creed doesn't offer much for those who aren't already familiar with the world of the games, it seems to be made for hardcore fans (and even then I've read reviews from fans who didn't particularly enjoy the film). Assassin's Creed doesn't offer much plot, character development or world building. I thought the Animus arm, some of the action, and Abstergo were cool and I was interested in learning more about Abstergo and what they were really up to....unfortunately, there aren't really any surprises (you are told everything you need to know in an opening text scrawl) and the film never really goes anywhere in the end. While there are certainly some cool things inside Assassin's Creed, it moves at a slow pace and isn't as exciting as it should be. It's not a terrible film (or even really bad), it ends up being just ok. It shouldn't provoke any kind of emotion from audience members. Honestly, I'd say you'd probably get more if you just played one of the games.
Now, onto the top 10
10. Independence Day: Resurgence- Man, this film looked fun. Man, it really wasn't. There wasn't all that much action, the script was pretty bad (as was most of the acting), and it ended on a sequel-bait of an ending. I really wanted this film not to suck, but suck it did.
9. The Girl on the Train- A film that was advertised as if it was going to be the next Gone Girl. Spoiler Alert: It wasn't. The first two acts were actually fairly interesting, and the film had a good mystery at its core. Too bad the last act became your typical lifetime movie where men are evil and women have to team up to defeat them and blah blah blah. No amount of good acting from Emily Blunt and the beautiful Haley Bennett could save this turd. Don't buy a ticket to this train to shitsville.
8. Yoga Hosers- I was not quite as harsh on this one as other critics, that still didn't save Yoga Hosers from making it onto this list though. Kevin Smith once again displays a total lack of self control. Johnny Depp gets slightly more mileage out of his tired Guy Lapointe character than he did in Tusk, but this film is still mostly annoying and makes the mistake of attempting to trash critics. We get it Smith, you're butt-hurt because critics don't like your films anymore....maybe you should just retire.
7. Carnage Park- Mickey Keating (who wrote and directed this turd) clearly wants to be the next Tarantino. He's not. His writing is awful, as is his directing and LOKK AT ME LOOK AT ME editing style. I couldn't even make it all the way through this one. Pat Healy is trying here, but it's a wasted effort.
6. Gods of Egypt- A bad film that mixes together Prince of Persia, Aladdin, and Egyptian mythology to poor results. The CGI is bad, there are lots of video-game levels, the action scenes are confusing and hard to follow, the dialogue is awful, the humor doesn't work, and the "Egyptians" tend to speak with a non-Egyptian accent (and are white). This film is every bit as bad as you have heard....that said, it's kind of hard not to enjoy your time with it.
5. Nine Lives- Starring Cat-vin Spacey. There is a lot of annoying fake cat noises and lots of fake cat CGI (which looks bad). The film itself is fairly dull, boring and filled with silly, unrealistic cat hijinx. Kevin Spacey is clearly trying in what is mostly a voice-over role (and to his credit, he does make for a good voice-over actor), but he can't save this piece of cinema cat poop.
4. Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (Theatrical Cut)- I wrote a lengthy rant on this stinker, and my original rating still stands (though the Director's Cut is significantly better). Where do I start with this one? The film lacks focus, tries to tell five different stories at once (and tells each one poorly), fails to understand these characters and why audiences love them, there's no plot, the editing is atrocious, and the whole film is a nonsensical nightmare. I'm officially done with giving Zach Snyder my money, you should be too. We deserve a better class of hero(s), and a better class of directors too.
3. Zoolander 2- Unfunny crap that does nothing but attempt to re-tell beloved jokes from the original while throwing in a butt-load of unneeded celebrity cameos that add absolutely nothing to the film. It's pretty bad when a sequel makes you question your love of the original. Mark this one up as yet another I just couldn't finish.
2. Passengers- What could have been a perfectly decent piece of sci-fi fluff is turned into something far more harmful by a terrible, BAD decision by our male lead. What's worse is that I can easily see how this issue could have been fixed by a simple script re-write. It also doesn't help that the film winds up being fairly predictable and bland as well. Unfortunately, the blame for Passenger's failure falls squarely at scriptwriter's Jon Spaihts' feet.
1. Meet The Blacks- Damn my love of The Purge! This film isn't morally reprehensible or disgusting (like Passengers), but it is still my pick for worst film of 2016 for a multitude of reasons. This atrocious attempt at a Purge spoof (specifically, the first Purge film. Think A Haunted House, Meet The Spartans, or the Scary Movie films) falls flat at every single step of the way. It's unfunny, painful, needlessly loud, poorly written (almost every character is constantly talking/shouting over each other), and just plain BAD. I only made it to the hour mark before I realized this wasn't going to get any better and quickly shut it off. You'd have more fun banging your head face-first into a wall for an hour thirty-four minutes. You'd also likely lose less brain cells too.
So there you have it, my worst films of 2016. It was a tough year, let's hope 2017 takes it easier on us. Hang in there, I'm still compiling my BEST FILMS of 2016 list, so until then....keep it classy!
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